Chapter 10
A few days passed and Tom and I were still not speaking to each other. But he was right, though. I was unfair to him. I had saved me a long time ago, and every day he kept on saving me, on keeping me human, on giving me the normal life I had craved for all my childhood. And still, it did not mean I should give up on my family's principles for him. It was my destiny to hunt, whether he liked it or not. And that was why I did not apologize – a childish move, I know. I called Dean, though, and told him I needed more time. He was not happy about it, but accepted. I asked him to call me if things got worse with Sam. After a week, Tom saw that I did not mean to leave, for now, and we started speaking again. But the atmosphere was tense as neither of us was willing to come forward and apologize. To change my mind, I went back to my training and hunting routine, though it was hard without him. The Winchesters may have left me, but at least they never tried to change me. Which was worse?
I kept worrying about Sam. He seemed to control his powers, why was Dean so worried? I had demon's blood in me too, it did not mean I was a monster. Actually, fighting against it probably made me even more human. Sam wasn't stupid enough to trust a demon, or at least I hoped he wasn't.
Hunting helped me find peace. When I was chasing demons, I did not think about Tom or the hunters. A few days after the debacle, I found out that a demon was hiding in an old residential building of one of the neighboring towns. So I went to check it out, but I only found a man in rags, crawling on the floor and crying. The apartment smelled of death, as if he had not gone out in years.
"I can't take it anymore" he cried.
"Sir, are you ok? I'm going to help you"
"Go away, the pain, all the pain, I can't take it anymore"
"Who did this to you, sir? Here, take my hand, I'll help you out of here"
I touched his elbow and felt like a rush, a gush of wind going straight through me. The man stood up and ran out of the apartment. What the Hell was going on? No sign of any demons. Feeling that I was reaching a dead end, I walked out and went back home. My head was pounding, I laid down on my bed, and it was then that everything started. I felt pain inside of me, not like when you're injured, more like when you are anxious or depressed. I felt the sadness in the neighbor's thoughts. I heard them inside my head, not their voices but some kind of impression of an emotion, a vague motto. The neighbor was so lonely, and Mrs Dorset, who lived on the other side of the road needed something. I felt the need. The loneliness. The sadness. I went to the basement to try and understand what was happening, connect with my powers. I sat on the cold cement ground, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Suddenly, it fired back and I felt the whole world. Everyone's pain, happiness, joy and sadness. The wounds of others were my wounds - how could they stand it? I crawled onto the floor and sat against the wall, clutching my legs with both hands and waiting – waiting for the pain to go away.
When Tom came home, I was hiding in the basement, praying at my ancestors and crying.
"What's going on?" he asked while running towards me, his face distorted with worry.
"It's unbearable, the pain, take it away!"
"I don't understand, what's…"
But it became even worse when he touched me. Contrary to what happened with the man earlier, he did not "catch" it. However, I felt everything he felt, everything he ever felt. I saw the way he looked at me, the love, the lust, the pain of losing me to someone else. I backed out and yelled at him "go away!"
"I don't understand…"
"GO AWAY!" An energy ball came out of my hands, without me being able to control it. It hit the wall, a few inches away from Tom's face.
"I can't…I can't" I sobbed. Tom, unable to decide what was best, finally left.
I heard him reaching for books, phones and computers, but he did not come back. Instead, a few hours after my first tantrum, he left the house for some time. But I stayed focused on avoiding to explode with all those emotions coming through me. It made me question the very essence of my being – why should I help people who are so miserable? Why not end it all as soon as possible? How could they survive so many emotions? What was more important was to try and control my powers, as they became unpredictable.
I heard Tom open the basement door, though he did not walk down the stairs. Instead, he yelled:
"I think I know what is going on. You went hunting and touched someone, and now you can't control yourself…"
"You don't understand anything, I feel everything! I feel everyone! They're in pain, so much pain…" I cried, before going back to sobs.
"So you've got empathy! You just need to control it!"
"Just?! I feel what you feel, dumbass! There's no controlling it!"
Another unintentional explosion proved my point. He tried to come down.
"Don't! You're making things worse, the closer you are the more I feel! I can't stand your feelings right now!"
And so he left again. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing anyone could do, except put an end to it. Suddenly I realized there was only one person who would be willing to do that.
"Dean, it's me… There's something wrong. I need you to come and help as soon as you can. Please."
It took two hours for Dean to call back.
"What's wrong?"
"I caught something from a demon. There's no taking it away"
"We'll find something. We'll be here in five to six hours"
"Hurry" I pleaded.
I only had six hours to endure before being free from this dreadful world. They were the longest six hours of my life (and that is saying something, when you've lived through the slaughter of all members of your family and a few torture sessions). The empathy kept intensifying and I not only felt more of the people next to me, but it also extended my perception of the whole world: I felt some kind of vague waves of emotions coming from everywhere.
When the Winchesters knocked at the door, Tom did not let them in. Instead, he went outside with them to explain what was going on, as if he were scared the empathy also extended my hearing. It was only after ten to fifteen minutes that Sam, followed by Dean, walked down the basement's stairs. Judging by the intensity of Sam's look, and the waves of fear and guilt emanating from him, I did not look good. Dean seemed more calm, and hopeful.
"Don't get too close!" I yelled
"It's ok, you won't hurt us" Sam replied, his hands in the air like a robber ready to surrender.
"I can't…I can't take it, stay back!" A light bulb exploded. I started crying, again.
"Okay, we're staying away, don't worry…Breathe, Alice, we're going to find a solution" Dean tried to reassure me, in vain.
"I can feel how worried you are, stop lying to me"
"No lies, we'll cure you, there's always a way…"
"You can't cure me from my powers."
"Tom and I, we'll look into it. Sam will stay and keep you company until we find something…"
"I don't need company, I have enough on my plate" I pointed at my head.
"Humor us" said Sam. Dean and Tom left. Silence set in – in the room, unfortunately not in my head.
"Stop feeling guilty, it's exhausting" I ordered.
"Sorry" He murmured.
"You're not responsible for this"
"Still. If we had stayed…"
"I'm not a damsel in distress. This is an evolution of my powers, it's my Destiny"
"Maybe a bit of free will wouldn't hurt then" Silence again.
"You've changed, Sam"
"What?"
"There's something different about you, you're stronger and less…emotional"
"Are you saying I was too emotional before?"
"I didn't say you changing was a good thing"
The boys had been right, sending Sam helped me to focus on something else, and though the voices did not disappear, they faded a little.
"Stop reading my mind then"
"It doesn't work like that"
"How does it work?"
"I wish I knew. It's more about emotions…I sense waves of the moment's emotions. But when Tom got close earlier, it was different, I felt everything he had ever felt"
"That's why you don't want him here? He said you had a fight."
"Yes"
"Yes, you had a fight? About what?"
"About you"
"Sorry"
"Here we go with the guilt again"
"Sorry" He laughed and we stayed silent for a while. I decided then was the time to talk about his powers.
"How are you doing, Sam? With the powers…"
"Dean told you?"
"Of course he did."
"I'm fine, I guess"
"Now is not the time to lie to me, dummy!"
"I… I'm fine! Dean's the one going crazy about it! I'm coping! Ok, it scares the hell out of me sometimes, but it's not all bad, maybe they can help to hunt…"
"Don't go defensive on me, Sam. I believe you, but just know that if you need to talk…"
"Thanks"
Sam was probably right, Dean was not too fond of the "demon's powers" thing. He did not get it like I did. After a few hours, Sam left to go and help Tom and Dean. With the distraction gone, I went crazy again, overwhelmed by the world's feelings. I tried to canalize it like I did with my other powers, but it only made things explode. The more I tried to control it, the more the world's emotions went out of control in my head. Hearing the explosions, the boys came down to see how I was.
"You should get some sleep" I told them, while banging my head against a wall.
"Calm down, ok?" Dean asked, cautious.
"Sure" Truth was, I was feeling worse by the minute. I needed to find a way to end this myself, if they did not want to help me.
"We're trying to contact a witch to get rid of the empathy, ok? You need to hold on"
"You can't get rid of it, she'll just take it onto her"
"We'll find a way, don't worry"
"I can take the feelings of you three… I'm sorry. Can Dean stay?"
"Why just Dean?" Tom asked, suspicious.
"Because I'm the most joyful" Dean smirked.
"Or the most heartless" Tom replied.
"Watch it!" But Tom and Sam finally left, probably relieved as Tom and Dean did not get along.
"Sam looks okay to me" I said.
"Yeah, well, he hides his stuff pretty well" Dean replied.
"I think you worry too much, Dean. Stop feeling responsible for everything"
"Did you want me here to patronize me?"
"You won't find a cure for me, Dean"
"You don't know that"
"I've seen how much pain you, your brother, everybody else, suffers every day. I've seen the wrong side of the world. I can't even look Tom in the eyes anymore…"
"Why?"
"Because I know how much he loves me now, and I don't. At least, not the way he loves me"
"But you will work it out"
"I don't see the point, Dean. Why are we fighting so much? Wouldn't it be better if we just let it go"
"Don't even think about it, Alice!"
"Dean, if it doesn't work out, I need you to do something for me"
"No, I won't. Don't even ask"
"I won't be able to control myself for long, Dean. I could do a lot of damage, you know."
"I ain't going to kill you!"
"I don't want to explode and take half the world with me. You're the only one who will do the right thing, Dean. You're the only one who can do what needs to be done."
"It doesn't need to be done"
"For now. But I know you'll do it, if I'm putting everyone in danger."
"Can we talk about something else?"
"Sure"
But we could not. Dean stayed silent, glaring at me from time to time, like a boy looking at a sister who had disappointed him. He was angry, he didn't want me to give up. He thought about Sam, how he would take it if I died. How he would take it if I died. He felt guilty for leaving me alone, it wouldn't have happened. He had made the wrong decisions once again.
"You did not ruin anything, Dean, it's not your fault"
"Private space"
"I wish I could" I really wished I could just stay out of their head. I did not want to hear everybody's pain, everybody's grief… what about mine? Where was I in my own head? Why can't they just stop feeling guilty for everything? Why do we keep on dreaming? We'll never have what we want. Maybe we deserve what we have. Maybe there was a reason for me to be an empath, after all I'm the daughter of one of the worst demon on earth. It's only fair I pay for my sins… isn't it? If only I could stop thinking for a minute…
"Hey, Alice, stay with us!" Tom was shaking me. The walls were trembling. I was shaking them. I breathed in and out, trying to make it stop. It's alright, I kept telling myself, it's going to stop. Tom turned to Dean and Sam.
"We need to do something now, before she completely loses control"
"It won't be long" I replied.
Maybe that was the ultimate plan. If I blew out, no more pain. Maybe I would take the whole world with me, or some of it at least. Take away sufferings. Be at peace.
"We'll go look for that witch" Dean said, as if no one had heard me.
"We can't leave her alone" Sam was freaking out.
"I'll stay" Tom decided, it was his job, he thought, to take care of me.
"No. Go. All of you. In case…" I pleaded. Someone had to be practical, and clearly it was not them.
"We're not leaving you. And you're not giving up" Dean had his big-brotherly, bossy voice.
"You can't do much either by staying here"
"I said I'll stay, it's been decided" Tom replied. The brothers left, and I stayed with Tom's worries.
I was starting to lose control. I has too much in my head to control my powers, it asked too much of me. Energy balls came out of my hands, I kept them in. Stuff started flying out, the ground was shaking, lights flickering.
"Tom, please get out of the house, I won't take it much longer"
"I can't leave you here" he pleaded
"Yes you can. You have a future in front of you, you have more than that crappy life. Get away, escape, live!" I teleported him on the other coast (or at least I hoped that was where he would land).
That was a relief – at least I wouldn't hurt the ones I cared about. My powers grew and grew, uncontrollable, invading the room, the house. Finally it was over, they would be free – I would be free from Destiny. I fell into a sort of coma,only conscious of the waves of feelings.