Time's Finally Up For Me

Usopp snored loudly with his fishing pole set steadily between his crossed legs. Nami was sure he caught something big once she heard a shriek of pain. She didn't bother to ask if he was alright; it was apparent by his twisted features that he wasn't. "Fishing finally paid off, huh?" she hummed, refusing to take her eyes off of her newspaper.

"Well," a shrill voice spoke, "I don't need to fish. When I'm hungry, they gladly let me eat them."

The newspaper dropped from her small hands, quickly replaced by the Clima-Tact pole. Azami laughed at her (Usopp was still rolling around in agony) as she stepped over the railing. "What is it?" she questioned innocently, "Don't want me to give back what I took after all?" The navigator reluctantly undermined her guard until the sea witch was in front of her, touching noses with a smug grin. She didn't say anything. She only ridiculed the other busty woman in her mind, saying things that referred to her dolphin breath, or her tacky kelp skirt.

"Where's your stubborn, algae headed first mate?" she asked, shockingly polite.

"Probably sucking face. How should I know?"

Azami clenched her fist, but restrained herself from picking a fight with a common human. She pointed her sea blue painted fingernail in the redhead's face, pushing her nose in painfully. Nami growled. "You," the queen announced as if it weren't obvious, "piss me off." With that, she stalked inside of the Merry, leaving Nami to fume and the poor marksman to wallow in his own tears, protectively cradling his most private area.

"No, like this, dumbass!" Sanji snatched away the spoon and began to stir the batter slowly and with precision, then motioned for Zoro to do the same. The swordsman looked beyond confused. "That's the same thing I was doing, shit-cook! You're just mad 'cause I do it better," he smirked.

The chef scoffed, handing him the bowl back, "I've been making perfect cakes since before you were born, marimo. I doubt you could tell the difference between frosting and cream."

"You're not that much older than I am, shitty-cook!"

The overly smug chef grinned widely. Segregating their ages irritated the first mate immensely, so of course he used it to his advantage at every given opportunity. Zoro scowled, wiping his flour-covered hands on the spare purple "Cuddle the Cook" apron that usually held refuge in the broom closet. He hated to make such a mess of Sanji's precious kitchen, but who knew cooking was actually hard? There were accidentally spilled spices, sugar, chocolate chips scattered over the counter; all courtesy of Zoro. The blonde, however, moved with so much damn grace and elegance it made Zoro want to purposely trip him. He wanted him to fall on his peaceful face, wanted him to punch him out of that serene aura he was surrounded in! How the hell could anyone be so calm while cooking for seven people, including Luffy's fleet-sized appetite?

The galley door suddenly flew open, carrying the terrible smell of seaweed and salt. Zoro already had the pleasure of sniffing those strange odor days ago, so his lack of surprise wasn't expected. Sanji, on the other hand, looked like he just suffered a twelve-mile marathon non-stop. He breathed heavily in fear, trying to calm his heart rate down before lashing out at the rude woman. But the swordsman beat him into speaking first. "Wow, you came back," he said with a flat, unimpressed tone. 'Is this really the smart thing to do?' Sanji thought. 'Provoke her?'

Queen Azami nodded, ignoring the overt attempt at pissing her off further. "Yes, and I'd like to leave as soon as possible. So get your ass over here."

"I agree. This ship's suffered enough hardships. It shouldn't be subjected to your face, too."

"Zoro," Sanji warned. The swordsman didn't let up. He scowled with all his might, viciously insulting her looks, voice, and very lifestyle. He continually egged her on. Queen Azami turned her heel quickly, but the blonde ran towards the door, stepping in front of her and ceasing her escape. The growl emitting from her throat sounded like a territorial lion, and Sanji had been too close for its liking.

"I didn't return to be insulted," her voice dripped with acidic poison, "by a sea creature, no less!"

"He's kidding!" Sanji laughed nervously. Despite his direct attempts, Queen Azami paid him no mind. Zoro stared at her with utter burning force and intimidation, but she only met his gaze with the same level of intensity, if not one-upped a notch. The two competitors stayed like that, unmoving as well as stubborn, for a few minutes before the sea witch threw her head back with a cackling bark of laughter. She came close enough to poke Zoro's nose hard, the same fate as Nami, causing him to yelp in both pain and surprise. "You," she stated as the swordsman stepped away querulously, "piss me off." On top of that, she shot a sultry, pearly white grin at him with unhidden admiration. Zoro stepped back further. "And it's just what I've been scavenging the seven seas for."

"Excuse me, lady?!" Sanji cleared his throat into a balled up fist, "I-I mean, Milady?"

Azami nodded, resting her hands atop her head and intertwining them together. Sanji compared the slinky, connected fingers to a heaving line knot; an old boating knot Zeff taught him years ago. "You heard me, blondie," she voiced, snapping Sanji out of his deep thoughts."How many suitors do you think the almighty queen of the sea actually has?"

Zoro looked incredulous, "At least fifty! You're royalty, dumbass!"

Azami beamed with great elation. "See? My suitors aren't compatible with me. They're all either broad, crotchety merman princes, or female warriors in my SC Army."

The cook and first mate let their quizzical countenances do the asking for them. Azami huffed as she stomped her foot childishly, and crossed her arms. "Idiots! My "Salt Chuck Army"!"

"…Who the fuck thinks of that?"

Zoro glanced at the cook, "Isn't "salt chuck" another lame name for the ocean?"

"Yeah!"

"The hell?"

"Exactly!" Sanji proclaimed with dubiety.

"Not like you are," Azami went on,"You're astoundingly bull-headed, annoying, witty, and your loyalty is, why, categorically perfect! I need someone like you in my kingdom, to rule with an iron fist by my side." Azami placed a slim hand on the swordsman's chest as she pressed herself against his arm, rubbing a pair of gigantic bosoms on him in the process. Zoro looked on with revulsion. Sanji raised an eyebrow. What did she think she was doing?

"What are you-!"

"Come with me, Roronoa. You'll have everything you've ever wanted in life. I can make you happy."

Zoro gently peeled her off, unhooking her tight grip from around his waist, and forced her arms to their respective sides. Sanji stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned on the door. This was bordering on the line of fun and severely idiotic. But, needless to say he itched to see what played out. Judging by Zoro's stoic expression yet joyous scrutinizing, he was obviously planning something. Sanji couldn't tell if the queen saw it as well. All he knew was the simple fact that Zoro's relaxed composure ensure he would put her in check.

For the first time in twenty minutes, the first mate spoke in a respective tone, with as much politeness Sanji has doubted was in the other's aggressive, brutal body. Hell, Zoro didn't even talk this softly with children. "I'm sorry, but you can't give me what I already have."

"I'll double it! What is it? Money, fame, sex-appeal?"

Sanji's heart skipped a few beats when Zoro smiled towards him, "Love."

She flew herself onto him again, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'll love you!" she shrieked loudly, "I'll love you a thousand times better!"

"You probably could—"

Sanji snarled, "Hey—"

"—but I couldn't love you even one time," Zoro finished, shooting a "you're a dumbass" look to his gawking cook. Queen Azami was torn in between stomping her foot, throwing a fierce tantrum until he gave in, or being mature about this matter and simply dragging Zoro into the sea with her. Before she could even decide, the galley door swung wide open, and Robin's glare was immediate. She crossed her arms slowly, making damn sure the potential threat got through to Azami.

"Listen, witch," the queen glanced upward, "it takes two people for a love to work. If I left with you, would you really be able to live with yourself knowing that I don't feel the same, if not a little resentment for you tearing me away from my own love?"

"I..."

Zoro peeled her off for a final time, and placed his hands on her thin shoulders. "It'll probably be you hurting the most by the end of the fight, you know."

"Fight?"

Sanji walked up behind them, throwing an arm around Zoro's torso and squeezing tightly, "Yeah, queen. The fight, as in the fight for marimo-head right here. I'm not letting you take him unless you pry him from my cold, dead hands."

Zoro chuckled, "You still wouldn't let me go, shitty question mark."

"I'd haunt your ass is what I'll do."

Azami drew in a shallow breath. She was tense and irritable and saddened, but she chose not to lash out at anybody. There were no shouts of anguish, no desperate attempts of getting her desired way, and surprisingly, no hostile actions. She only tilted her head down and closed her eyes. "I respect that, Roronoa," she choked back a sob, "I really do."

Zoro paled. He didn't expect this beyond antagonistic woman to run the waterworks!

"Oi, oi! Stop that! Man up and search! You'll find someone out there...eventually."

Sanji nudged him in the ribs hard. Zoro shrugged and ignored the stinging pain of the other man's pointy elbows. It's not like he's said something wrong, right? "What he means is that there's someone for everybody in life. You've just got to run into them along the journey."

"But...you two found each other so quickly..."

Zoro raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"You are practically infants compared to a woman of my age," she yelled, "I've been alone for a hundred sixty-seven years!"

It was Robin who tried to calm her hysteria out of the three of them (shockingly), letting her guard down long enough to bow slightly in apology. "Queen," the archaeologist clarified, "I'm sorry to point this out, but I believe you have been searching for a mate in the wrong places. You've been taking humans when you should be taking sea warlocks as suitors instead."

"My kingdom is at war with those disgusting warlocks. How can I wed one when they're trying to obliterate my fellow witches?"

The swordsman lightly pushed himself away from the blonde man, who reluctantly obliged. "Wait," he interrupted, confusion coloring his whole demeanor, "sea witches and warlocks aren't...like...together?"

"Never in a million years," Azami stated matter-of-factly.

"I thought you had to be born a witch or warlock?"

The queen nodded confidently, "You do."

Zoro narrowed his eyes, "So there hasn't been a baby of either of your kind in a million years?"

"Yes, we make sure there is no type of communication between our rivals besides offers of surrender."

Sanji was beginning to see Zoro's point, and by the looks of it, Robin did as well. This entire war was useless. The more they fought and killed, the more their species would lessen until they became extinct. Zoro beat him to explaining in a rather less polite manner. "That's bullshit. You're just gonna end up killing yourselves. What's your goal anyway?"

"Appreciation," Robin announced, "It happened a thousand millennia ago. Warlocks took witches for granted. Witches had enough and revolted. The standard battle of the sexes, but upped to the extremity of an actual battle."

"Yes," Queen Azami broke in, sitting down on one of the benches at the table, "and you are right, Roronoa. It very much so is pointless. But my women don't know anything else other than kill or be killed. Time has changed my father's kingdom."

"Did your father join the other side?" Zoro questioned. He was really interested in her story for some strange reason. He felt compelled to listen, comfort, and possibly help. He knows he shouldn't; this woman took away his main attribute in order to defeat Mihawk, and he wanted to help her reunite two evolved kingdoms?

"No," Azami sighed, "he was killed along with my mother for treason, and hiding their forbidden child."

"Why did they keep you alive then?" the chef asked.

Zoro understood perfectly. "She was the last heir. The people obviously needed someone to lead them, and having the last of the royal family was an advantage, wasn't it? They're using you, and you know it.

The room fell silent. By the time Azami parted her lips, Luffy and the rest of the crew had barged into the kitchen ready for attack. Zoro held up his hand defensively, signaling for them to let their guards down. Luffy still had his fist raised, though. "Give Zoro back his strength!"

"Luffy, change of plans. We're helping her."

The captain stood fully, blinking, "Why...? Is she good now?"

"She was never bad," Sanji interjected, lighting a fresh cigarette and taking a smooth drag, "she was just a bit of an asshole. No offense."

Azami scoffed.

The royal sea witch retold her depressing tale of rivalry and bitterness throughout history while the rest listened intently. Chopper and Usopp appeared as if ready to cry, Nami seemed equally emotional if not dialed back a bit, and Luffy had the very same inscrutable look he always got whenever a serious decision needed to be made. Zoro knew Luffy felt that same urge he did. The compulsion. The sheer pressurized will of the situation. Luffy's eyes screamed righteousness.

"Who runs the male side?" Chopper wondered aloud.

Azami rolled her eyes; a pure look of discouragement flashed a second before boredom. "General Cornelius Alister Tulicod, the biggest douchebag in the universe. I normally refer to him as "Corneli-ass," but I gave you the full version of it. He isn't royalty; he took command after convincing the warlocks to murder my father. He's got at least two hundred years of ruling a kingdom on me."

"Unbelievable," Nami breathed, shaking her head in disapproval, "I always knew men were idiots."

"OI!"

"That doesn't matter. I desire a mate and, damn it, I'm going to get one!" Queen Azami stormed out huffing and sky blue clouds rhythmically swirling around her tightly clenched fists. Luffy followed her out onto the deck, catching her before she jumped over the Merry's railing. "Wait, don't you want our help?!"

"Sweet boy," she cooed, "I don't have enough Air Bubble ports for you all. I am going to put a stop to this nonsense like my parents aimed to do! I thank you for making me realize this, Roronoa!"

"HOLD ON, WHERE THE HELL IS MY STRENGTH, YOU GODDAMN WITCH?" Zoro hollered muffle of words.

"About that, IforgotwhereIleftitsorry!"

"WHAAAAAT?"

"IFORGOTWHEREI-"

"HE HEARD THAT SHITTY PART, LADY! SO HELP ME-"

Azami snorted quite unladylike as the two men barreled towards the stern. "I control the sea, dumbasses. I'm can't forget where a massive ball of energy is creating a whirlpool in my own waters. You'll get it back later tonight; don't get your britches in a bunch. Farewell!" She dove into the water with not even a splash to indicate her departure. Zoro and Sanji looked back at Luffy, who was grinning wildly. He had heard what he wanted to hear after all! Zoro was going to be back to his normal self in no time!