FIRST LIEUTENANT MIYUKI TAKARA. 67TH INFANTRY DIVISION
Normally each chapter consists of one episode of Lucky Star, but I had to make amends since chapter 10 features very little Miyuki. This chapter will also include some things that did not happen in the anime. Mainly the entire beginning part where I got…er, creative.
ONWARDS
I woke up at noon and was ready to start my day. I threw on my bathrobe and stumbled downstairs to get something eat. Aspirin and a shot of spiced rum seemed to be a good way to go, maybe with some leftover eel.
"Miyuki, you're not going through the liquor cabinet are you?" Mother called from the family room. It is a known fact that the sheep that produce steel wool have no natural predators.
"No mother!" I lied and poured myself a shot, then another…then another. I went back upstairs and got dressed. It was time to see what Minami was up to, I went across the street and was eagerly greeted by Minami.
"Good morning Cherry-chan!" I said and went to open the gate, as soon as I opened it Cherry bolted between my legs and was speeding down the street. Not my problem. I invited myself in and found Minami in her room on her Xbox 360, Ah we see the Minami in its natural habitat. Antisocial and playing videogames.
"What are you playing?"
"Fallout 3." She curtly replied. On screen, her green haired character had her head blown off and her body tumbled down a flight of metal stairs. "Not again, stupid fucking Enclave."
"What part are you at?" I asked and took a seat next to her.
"That part where you have to get the coordinates to go to The Crawler in that satellite place." She answered me.
"Oh come on, that part's really easy." I replied with a condescending laugh. "What do you have equipped?"
"Uh, let me see…" She said and went to her inventory, "Vance's long coat for armor and Vampire's Edge as a weapon."
"Why?" I asked and gave her a curious look. "Those both suck and I know you have Operation: Anchorage. Why don't you have the stuff from there?"
"I do, but that would be breaking character."
"Wait, who are you role playing as?" I asked, I assumed it was someone from some game or anime I hadn't watched.
"Myself." Was her reply.
"I don't understand."
"I don't either Miyuki-san." She replied and shook her head. "I just can't not play without this gear. It's like some primal part of me is making use this subpar equipment. I don't know what it is…but it scares me. Help me."
She handed me the controller and took it. I browsed through her inventory and found that she had a plethora of useful weapons and armor. I couldn't, however, equip any of it. It's not that it wouldn't let me, it was just that I couldn't. My body wouldn't let me.
"You too?" Minami sighed. "I guess it can't be helped."
I jumped on her bed and found a manga to read, I lost track of time and fell asleep after a few minutes of flipping through pages. After sleeping for two hours I awoke to find Minami sitting in front of her TV playing a different game with a headset over her head.
"Whatcha doing?" I asked and sat next to her.
"Playing Gears Of War 2, horde mode." She replied, on screen one of her teammates collapsed dead next to her.
"Mind if I get a soda?"
"Go for it, just step around me, not in front of me." She replied, I ignored her and stepped in front of her. The cord to her controller came unplugged as I stepped through, then I could hear the people she was playing with through the TV.
"Hey shoot that guy with your shotgun!" Some guy yelled at her. "He's got a lancer!" On screen Minami's generic COG soldier was sawed in half in very, very grisly manner. The game ended and the screen said that she had failed on the 49th wave with only one enemy left. Minami dropped her controller and just stared at the screen, one of her teammates had a bit of a nervous breakdown at that point.
"What. The. Fuck." He said into his microphone from god-knows-where he was playing his Xbox. "Again? I was on the last enemy in Firefight on Halo ODST when this happened. We were only song number 84 on the Endless Setlist 2 when I was disconnected from Xbox LIVE. We only had Thunderbluff left when everyone quit. Why am I cursed? Why can't I just rely on my teammates just once to not fuck up an achievement for me?"
"Wow, that's guy's really mad. Cool." I said to Minami who was still in shock after losing. She went to plug in her controller back in but I stopped her. "Wait, let's hear him go on."
"This is the final straw. I don't know who you are but I'm going to find you and kill you." He threatened Minami from some untold amount of miles away. "Then if you have a dog I'm going to cook it and eat it in front of one of your friends, you have a dog don't you? Probably a big fluffy white Border Collie, Retriever mix named after a fruit. I bet you and said friend are listening too. Listen up said friend, I can run faster horny than you can scared. You better not have pink wavy hair either, that enrages me."
"Uh…" Minami and I said in unison. We just sat there in awe and listened to this guy go on for nearly an hour until his ramblings became completely nonsensical.
"My heart was a war drum by jugular cults in eerie jungle vaults…" He kept going in his abnormally calm and monotone voice, "When number thirteen fell in my lap lips and skin like sin, a Venus Mantrap. My appetite whetted, storm crows wheeled at the blurred edges or reason 'til I was fulfilled. Whors d'oeuvres eaten, I tucked Her into a grave coffin fit for the queen of spades. She went out like the light in my mind, her face an avalanche of pearl, of ruby wine. Much was a flux, but the mouth once good for fucks came from retirement to prove she not lost her touch. I kissed her viciously, maliciously, religiously. But when has one been able to separate the three? I know I'm sick as Dahmer did, but this is what I do. Ah, ah, ah, I will let you sleep when I am through."
"Did he just say he was going to do unspeakable thing to your face?" I asked her.
"Okay I'm reporting this guy." Minami said and brought up the correct screen. She went to file a complaint and it asked for the guy's name. "What was his gamer tag again?"
"Uh, hold on I know this…" I replied and thought for a moment, "Tastychainsaws! That was it."
"Right." Minami nodded and typed in his name. "God, what a freak."
"Yeah, I bet he writes fan fiction too. Probably sitting in his grandparents basement alone with a slice of birthday cake and Dr. Pepper while writing fan fiction and including himself. God, what a loser. Probably doesn't have any friends either. No doubt sitting there in incredible pain after a dentist drilled a hole in his tooth and only gave part of it a filling, bastard deserves it."
I hung around a bit longer, but when Minami got drawn into games, she got drawn in to games. So I took my leave and went to find something else to do. Browsing through my cell phone, I looked for someone on my contacts to talk to. I felt very lonely when I realized that Minami, my mother, and Tsukasa were the only people I had on there. Well, calling Tsukasa may not be a bad idea…I knew I was going to regret this.
"Hello?" Tsukasa answered.
"Good afternoon Tsukasa-san, it's Miyuki." I replied. Miyuki, what are you doing? You know this isn't going to end well.
"Oh hey Yuki-chan, how's it going?" Tsukasa asked, she sounded a little upset. Probably ran out of mayonnaise or something.
"Is something wrong?" I asked, Seriously Miyuki this is a bad idea.
"Kind of, just a lot of things piling up over the last few days." She answered. Good for you, now why am I not hanging up?
"Why don't you tell me what's wrong Tsukasa-san, I'd be glad to hear about your problems." I told her, Great now we learn Tsukasa is a closet kitten eater.
"Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to." She started, Oh god, I know where this is going. This is going to be a long rant about all her problems, "I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it doesn't work out the way I wanted to. It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work I do and everything I try never turns out. It's like I need time to figure these things out. But there's always someone there going, 'Hey Tsukasa, you know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately. You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe you'll feel a lot better.'" I have unleashed the floodgate that is Tsukasa's mind.
"Oh dear." I said, I KNEW something was wrong with her. Now others are catching on, I started the trend though. They're all posers.
"And I go, 'No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure it out. You know I'll just work by myself.' And they go, 'Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.'. And I go, 'No I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself and they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside and it builds up inside…'"
"My, that sounds certainly frustrating." I replied to her long little rant, "Has this been going on awhile?"
"Not really, no." Tsukasa sighed, "But the other day I scared my mom pretty bad, and she reacted really bad."
"What happened?" Don't ask questions! Great, now you get to listen to her go on even more now.
"I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there, she called my name and I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming TSUKASA! TSUKASA! And I go, 'What, what's the matter?' And she goes, 'What's the matter with you?' I go, 'There's nothing wrong mom.' And she goes, 'Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!' And I go, 'No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know, why don't you get me a pepsi?' And she goes, 'NO you're on drugs!' I go, 'Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking.' She goes, 'No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!' I go, 'Mom just give me a Pepsi please'. All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me. All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me. Just a Pepsi!"
"I…uhh…" I don't have any fucking clue how to reply to that. You're on drugs, cool?
She didn't stop there, "I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go, 'Tsukasa, we need to talk to you.' And I go, 'Okay what's the matter?' They go, 'Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you've been having a lot of problems, you've been going off for no reason and we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody, we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.' Then I go, 'Wait, what do you mean, what are you talking about, we decided!? My best interest?! How can you know what's my best interest is? How can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I'm crazy? When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I'm crazy!?'"
I hung up the phone then. If Tsukasa didn't show up for school tomorrow then I know what happened to her.
I've heard that colds are lasting longer this year so I need to get better quickly. And to do this I needed to head down to the clinic to get vaccinated and OF COURSE the number I choose is 78. Based on my number I'll probably be here awhile. I'll read while I wait.
My book of choice was Stephen King's The Talisman, I popped it open and began reading. Ten pages in- Nothing had happened. Twenty more pages- Still nothing. Page eighty- Okay this is getting ridiculous, this is just been about some fruity kid wandering back and forth while hanging up with the token minority. I then realized that I was the only one still waiting. Wait!? What!? Did they call me? What time is it?
I need to pay more attention to my surroundings. I was only way home and dreamily staring out the window. Maybe after another hundred page The Talisman would actually have something happen in it.
"We well soon arrive at the final stop, Kamata." The overhead intercom informed me. Where am I!?
More blank spaces here, I think I got into a fight with a badger but I can't say for sure. Meth is one hell of a drug.
"And the smell is beyond words." I finished another conversation about dolphins.
"Right? It just stinks too much." Kagami agreed. Oh like you would know. Been paying a few up close visits with dolphins at the aquarium? Your treachery knows no bounds.
"Seriously." I said in both polite Miyuki, and evil Miyuki.
Konata was going through all her porn on Kagami's cell phone, "You've got a lot of stuff saved on there."
"Stop going through that!" Kagami barked and stole her cell phone back.
"You've got messages that shouldn't be seen?" Konata asked. Considering how much she texts Tsukasa, I certainly hope not. If they were in an incest relationship then I wouldn't be surprised.
"Not really. No reason." Kagami replied curtly. Oh so you're proud of the phone sex with your sister.
"It's a man. Definitely a man." Konata squealed. Tsukasa is not a man. I've secretly watched her bathe enough times to tell.
"It's not!" Kagami screamed back at her. Tsukasa is not an IT, she's a mole rat. Get it right. Also, it's no surprise that you would know her gender. Been a bit of a Peeping Kyon? YOU HAVE HAVEN'T YOU!?
That weekend the three of them stayed at Konata's. Without inviting me of course. Oh let's all exclude Miyuki…again!
Well that was all good and find with me, I curled up with my laptop and a two-liter of Dr. Pepper and decided to be lonely for the night. Except Tsukasa texted me so I wouldn't be lonely. Great, now I feel wanted. This sucks. Now let me give her some BS reply that'll keep her off my perfect back.
"I'm glad you're having fun. I'm trying hard to finish my homework right now. Please invite me again next time." Of course I finished my homework hours ago. I even had enough time to practice my knife fighting skills. Sucks to be the farmer of all those cattle I killed. Whatever, it was for a good cause. Zombie defense is ALWAYS a good cause.
Now back to class we go!
"Hey Yuki-chan, I didn't get this part in class earlier." Tsukasa said to me and showed me her work. What the fuck Tsukasa, cosine 36 over 19. Not that hard to figure out.
"That part?" I said and pointed at her failed attempt at trigonometry. More like FRIGonometry amirite?
"Konata leads to Kona-chan. Miyuki leads to Yuki-chan." Konata said out loud. Oh not this Yuki-chan crap again! "Then what nickname would you use for Kagami? Kaga-chan? Gami-chan?" If anyone gets to be Gami-chan it's me.
"Maybe Kyo-chan?" Tsukasa suggested, "Pronounce Kagami a different way. Kyo." Irritating Bitch also works, it's a bit more of a mouthful than Kyo though. But I guess Konata would be used to that thing probably considering the way her dad behaves. The song "Prison Sex" by "Tool" comes to mind. I know I'm pushing the limits of my evil thoughts with that one, but SHE GAVE ME A CONCUSSION. I'm half tempted to say this out loud, her feelings mean nothing to me at this point. "I've got my hands bound, my head down, my eyes closed, and my throat wide open." I wonder if those lyrics would mean anything to her?
Konata nodded quickly, "Good naming sense. It feels strong like her too. And you could use this Kyo-chan too!" Which Kyo-chan?
"Th-that wasn't my intention." Tsukasa stuttered. Uhh, did I miss something? "We should probably not tell onee-chan."
"Then what nickname would you give yourself?" Konata asked her. None, you don't get to pick your names. "Tsuka-chan? Kasa-chan?
"Hi-chan I guess." Tsukasa replied. "It's harder with my first name."
"I see." No you don't, your eyes are closed. "You give off the whole hi-hi image."
"That wasn't my intention…" Tsukasa sweat dropped. Because all your intentions involve mayonnaise.
"Okay." Konata said and raised her finger. "Then I'll start calling you Hi-chan." Mayo-chan works great for me. Tsukasa gave her a look of extreme surprise. "Huh?"
"But it feels kind of weird if I choose it myself." Tsukasa sighed. Nonsense. My online name is TakaraChainsaws and I made that up myself. That's what everyone calls me.
"What about that?" Konata asked while pointing at Sebastion. Oh he's probably looking for gum to eat off the floor.
"That?" He said in surprise.
"Doesn't matter." Tsukasa replied. FINALLY we can agree on something. Go back to your hole smelly, you are not welcome.
"Want revenge Sebastion?" Konata asked him. Him Vs. Tsukasa? Now that's a fight I'd be willing to see. Tsukasa gets a trench knife while he gets a baseball bat. Winners gets to go into unarmed combat with me.
"Name's Shiraishi." He said under his breath. Shut up, you don't get a name!
A VERY ANTICLIMATIC ENDING
So we can see here that Miyuki has pretty much lost her mind at this point. This marks the third instance of me self inserting myself into a story. Except this is the first time I've been ballsy enough to use my actualy pretend name. All those things that I listed off actually happened to me, this is why I hate endurance kind of achievements in games. Maybe next chapter will be a bit lengthier depending on how much Miyuki appears.
Anyways credit to all of the following whose names or likeliness I used in this chapter- Gary Larson's The Far Side, Fallout 3, My own story Falling Stars, Gears of War 2, Halo 3: ODST, Rockband 2, World of Warcraft, Cradle of Filth's song Lord Abortion, Suicidal Tendancies' song Institutionalized, Stephen King's book The Talisman, Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and Tool's song Prison Sex.