CHAPTER 9: BURDENS
Kanae Kotonami was used to Kyoko's antics by this point in time. Having witnessed times when the young woman was nearly manic with excitement as well as when she was more subdued and thoughtful, it was getting easier to understand her. Thus, when she was not at their usual meeting spot at the end of her classes for the day, the young empath looked to the trees. Sure enough, she found her sitting quietly on a branch, her belongings nestled together at the base of the trunk.
Rather than calling up to her, Kanae made the decision to join her. It was a rather low-hanging branch so it would be fairly easy to access. After a few moments of deciding what the best route would be, she sat beside Kyoko who looked at her with barely concealed surprise.
"So, what brings you up here this time?" she asked, ignoring the other woman's reaction. "Boy troubles again?"
"No," Kyoko snorted and rolled her eyes at the question. "But, what possessed you to come up here with me?"
"I wanted to see what it was like," she replied. "Besides, I had a stressful day too, you know. The person I was supposed to accompany forgot to meet me at our agreed time."
"Oh, Kanae, I'm so sorry I keep doing this to you," Kyoko apologized, slumping forward in shame.
Kanae pushed on her forehead with one hand to get her to sit up properly once more. "If you're having troubles, you know you can try talking to me about it. I may not be able to understand it but I can at least understand how you feel."
"Thanks," she said with a grateful smile. "It's really not one thing in particular. I just feel lost and frustrated about a lot of things. Everything seems to be taking longer than I hoped and, every time I feel like I'm making any headway, something else comes along to cause a delay. I just wanted to get my feelings in order because I won't be able to get anything done if I'm just wallowing."
The young empath blinked. Never had she met someone so obstinately practical about their own feelings. There was clearly a turbulence of emotions running through the young woman, but she seemed to be steadily compartmentalizing them and putting them away.
"Kyoko, there's no waste in taking time to acknowledge your emotions," she said gently. "Sometimes you need to let them run their course for a little bit so that they don't gang up later and overwhelm you."
"I'm more of a suck-it-up-and-move-forward kind of girl, but I'll keep that in mind," Kyoko said with a shrug, then smiled. "But talking to you has made me feel a little better. Thank you."
"Are you sure that's all you needed?" the empath asked.
"For now, at least," Kyoko nodded. "Do you need help getting down from here?"
"I'm sure I can figure it out on my own," Kanae scoffed.
"If you say so!" Kyoko chirped before pushing herself off the branch and landing perfectly on both feet.
Kanae took her time shimmying back down the way she came up and both women helped the other pick up their belongings before walking towards Kyoko's apartment building.
They were elated to learn that the key found during their last appointment was still safely tucked in Ren's jacket when they next met. It was the first thing he checked when he entered her mind and breathed a quiet sigh of relief when his fingers closed around the small, metallic object in his pocket. He showed it to Kyoko and she cheered happily.
"It's been driving me crazy that I can't look around on my own in there," she complained. "I'm so glad we can still use it!"
"As am I," Ren agreed. "I was counting on the fact that, since the object was created in your mind, it would still exist when we came back because it belongs here."
"A risky bet for sure," Kyoko nodded. "Anyway, let's go quickly so we can make the most of the time we have!"
She all but dragged him towards the wall, pulling him along by the hand as she rushed ahead. He stumbled behind her, nearly tripping over his own long legs. They spent the first quarter of their hour together wandering through the trees beyond the wall. Kyoko had said the forest reminded her of the woods near her house, but she soon realized that it was the very same forest when they came upon a ranch style house painted slate blue with large windows along the sides and a burnt orange door.
"It's a replica of my house," she said, running up to the front door to see if it was unlocked.
Opening the door to step inside, Kyoko stood just in the entry way and gasped at what she saw inside. Everything was a perfect reproduction of what she remembered from her home as a child, down to her tiny blue raincoat that hung on the rack by the door. She slowly wandered from room to room, gently touching objects on the walls and tables as if they would disappear before her eyes if she applied any more force.
The bright red teakettle she had broken when she was nine stood whole and unmarred on the countertop in the kitchen. The faded bedspread with tiny blue flowers was folded primly at the foot of her small bed and missing the splatter of ink from the broken pen she pulled from her book bag around the age of eleven. A green toothbrush, sitting in the pink plastic cup by the bathroom sink, looked much smaller than the ones she had been using in recent years but she remembered it being one of her favorites due to the color, though she could not recall why. Everything in this house appeared to be completely frozen in time as light streamed in through the windows, highlighting fluttering, floating dust motes and giving the entire scene a dream-like quality.
She looked back at Ren, who followed her silently throughout the house.
"It's an exact replica of my house from around the time I was six," she said, finally.
"That would make sense," he said with a nod. "Isn't that the approximate age range where your memories are missing?"
"Yes," she said, chewing at her bottom lip. "I just didn't expect it to be so perfectly reproduced."
"Many people don't realize how ingrained the memories of their homes can be," he explained, his eyes flitting over the drawings taped to the wall of her room. "But, they are often the most easily to recall because of the familiarity with seeing the same thing every day. It's somewhat like being able to walk safely through your house in the dark without running into anything because of your intimate knowledge of where everything should be."
Kyoko hummed and sat unceremoniously on her bed with a soft thump. Sighing, she let her body go limp and keeled over to one side. The tiny bed was just as soft as he remembered it and the well-worn sheets surprisingly smelled of the detergent her mother always used. She lay like this for a bit, staring unseeingly at the small desk along the wall across from her. Ren watched her wordlessly, not sure if saying anything would benefit the situation, and saw her eyes open wide as she focused on something in front of her.
Sliding off the bed and onto her knees, she crawled over to the desk. She pushed the wooden chair aside and scooted underneath to get a closer look at what caught her eye from across the room. At first glance, it appeared to just be an imperfection in the floral print on her walls. However, now that she took a closer look, there was a perfectly hidden drawing, done in crayon, directly on the wall itself. Easily missable by adult eyes as she only lucked into finding it by being at a similar height as her much younger self.
It was not the best drawing by any stretch of the imagination and clearly made by a child's hand. Two stick figures stood beside what looked to be a stream—as evidenced by the squiggle of blue— surrounded by scraggly trees. Kyoko traced her finger over the smiles of the two figures holding hands and hummed thoughtfully. Noticing she spent an unusual length of time crouched under the desk, Ren bent over to see what she was doing.
"Have you found something interesting?" he asked.
"It looks like I drew a picture on the wall under here," she replied.
He lowered himself to his knees to get a better look at what she was talking about. It was a cramped space and she took up the majority of the room beneath the small child-sized desk as it was. Still, he managed to poke his head over her shoulder. Kyoko did not realize she was holding her breath as his face passed so closely to hers until she nearly suffocated herself. Something about the way his hair brushed against her cheek sent a tingling dancing across her face and she froze momentarily at the sensation before taking a deep breath.
"See these two people?" she said, pointing to one the stick figures, the shorter of the two with what appeared to be two dark pigtails sticking out from the sides of the face. "I'm pretty sure that's me but, I have no idea who the other person is."
The taller figure had short hair colored in spiky zig-zags around its face with bright yellow crayon and Kyoko was clueless as to who they could be. She tapped her fingers against the wall as she stared at the drawing thoughtfully.
"And this is definitely your drawing?" Ren asked.
"I know it's hard to believe that my artistic abilities were so advanced at such a young age," Kyoko said jokingly. "But yes, this looks like one of mine. Though, I don't quite recall when I did this."
"Maybe they were an imaginary friend?" he joked in return before she shot him an irritated look over her shoulder. "What? It's not unheard of for younger children to have one."
"I may not have had a lot of friends growing up," she said sharply. "But, I'm pretty sure none of them were imaginary."
"Of course, I apologize," he corrected, clearing his throat. "They appear to be a bit taller; perhaps they were an older relative? Maybe your father?"
Ren, apparently, seemed to have shoved his foot further in his mouth as Kyoko's face darkened. He immediately pulled back from his place over her shoulder and sat on his heels. She stayed under the desk and he watched as she shook her head silently back and forth.
"No, that's absolutely not him," she said, her voice sounding tiny, muffled and trapped beneath the desk. "There were times when I actually wished I could forget him, but I still remember what he looks like."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know—" he began, but stopped when he saw her lift her hand.
"No, you didn't," she said calmly, pulling herself out from where she sat to look at him. "And it would be foolish of me to expect you to. There's no reason for me to be upset with you for something you didn't know about. You did nothing wrong."
"You don't have to tell me anything about it," he nodded solemnly. "Especially if it makes you this upset. But, if you think it might help, I'm willing to listen."
The duo ended up leaving the house and found themselves sitting on the deck behind it facing the expanse of forest. They knew their time was almost up so they opted to spend the remaining minutes idling rather than trying to rush any sort of speculation over the meaning of a child's hidden crayon fresco. It would still be there when they came back so there was no harm in leaving it for now. More importantly, Ren recognized that Kyoko needed some time to collect herself. As someone who usually is so pragmatic and effervescent, it was very noticeable when her mood changed for the worse.
Kyoko's legs swung lazily back and forth over the edge while her hand lay flat against the wood, bracing her on either side. It felt oddly nostalgic considering it was only a mental copy of the real thing and was lacking a gentle breeze and the pulse of chirping cicadas. She looked over at Ren, who sat beside her with one leg up, the ankle resting atop the knee of the other leg that was planted firmly on the ground. His hands were resting gently in his lap and he looked down at them as if he were looking through them.
"He left us several months after my fourth birthday," she began. "The last words he said to me were 'goodbye' and 'I'm sorry.' He never treated us badly and he seemed to be enamored with my mom so it made no sense to me even then. After that, my mother refused to talk about him, so I still have no idea why he left. I don't know if you noticed, but there were no photos of him in the house."
"I had wondered about that," he admitted.
"It's like she wanted to erase all traces of him from our lives like was never there in the first place," she explained, her voice sounding suddenly hoarse and scratchy. "When I was younger, I wondered if forgetting all about him would relieve me of the burden of his memory. It seemed to be what my mother was trying to do, at least, and I figured that I couldn't be sad if I didn't remember what to be sad about."
"It must have been difficult for you," he said quietly.
He reached out a hand to rest lightly on hers; a move he instantly regretted as soon as he did it as he felt his stomach bottom out from the contact. Unfortunately, he could not pull away and risk her interpreting it negatively as being her fault. Instead, he let it rest there and did his best to focus more on their conversation and less on his hand. And her hand. Their hands.
"Well, as you can tell, it didn't work," she said with a resigned sigh. "Not entirely, anyway. I'd forget for periods of time but something would eventually end up reminding me of him. Go figure, I can't forget the one thing I actually wanted to but, somehow, someone has sealed me off from a different chunk of my childhood memories."
"I'm sorry this whole thing has been so unpleasant," Ren apologized.
"Don't be," she assured him. "It's not as if any of this is your fault. Besides, I've been able to meet new people and learn new things because of this as well."
"Not everyone could find the positives in a situation like this," he said with a grim smile. "It's commendable that you are able to do so."
She closed her eyes and let out a small laugh at that, leaning towards his arm where it stretched out to keep his hand on hers until her shoulder butted into it. "Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, what I lack in knowledge and understanding I more than make up for in enthusiasm and stubbornness."
His smile brightened and carried up into his eyes as he stared out into the trees. "You certainly do at that."
The following day was the Central Academy's quarterly Assembly meeting and Ren was, yet again, loathing that he was required to be present for the proceedings. Technically, he was not even a member of the Assembly. Nonetheless, his adept skill and ability level put him high enough on the list of potential candidates that he now had to attend these meetings as a sort of initiation. He had only been going to these for a little over a year but, from as early as his first, he knew he would rather be anywhere else.
For the time being, he was able to avoid induction into the Assembly by simply being too young. At the age of twenty-one, the other candidates and everyone else on the Assembly had anywhere from ten to forty years on him. Every meeting he attended had him silently dreading the news of any of the elder members' impending retirement. Once a space opened up, he moved ever closer to being the next in line to fill it. That was his projected career path, determined for him from the moment he came under the employ of the Academy. For someone as powerful as him, that was his raison d'être; regardless of whether he agreed with it or not.
According to his boss, it was actually the safest position to be in. A position with that much status afforded him more benefits than a regular employee. Politics have always been the ideal place for someone harboring a number of dangerous secrets. He hated this fact and, by that same token, hated himself a little. It was a secret he was forced to keep for his own safety, but not a day went by that he did not wish to just blurt it out, consequences be damned, just to relieve himself of the burden.
But, he knew what would happen if he did. Being already under close watch due to his position and ability level, he was well aware of how that would increase in aggressiveness. He would be no better than Kyoko, in her pleasantly unpleasant prison of constant evaluations and doctor visits. Perhaps that was also why he felt compelled to help her. Saving someone else from the fate he would inevitably be resigned to should he ever make his secret known seemed a paltry absolution, but it would have to do.
He wondered what his father would say if he could see him now. Knowing him, he would probably smack him in the forehead and tell him to quit with the theatrics. Were he not currently in a room full of mostly strangers, he probably would do it to himself. He really was being overdramatic.
The droning voices of the other people in the room made him feel drowsy. Ren had long ago stopped paying attention to what was being said. He gathered the gist of what they were discussing, but had little interest in following it too closely. Instead, knowing this was going to take some time, he retreated into sanctuary of his own mind. He was practiced enough to do it with his eyes open, allowing him to still appear alert and attentive. One of the other side benefits of his reputation was that no one tried to talk to him during the proceedings so he had little fear of getting caught.
He found his younger self sitting on a bench in the courtyard behind his memory archive, surrounded by trees with perfectly manicured branches and neatly cut grass. The young man was petting a small brown rabbit in his lap while a tabby cat sat curled up near his feet and several birds perched around his shoulders.
"What brings you by this time?" the boy asked.
"Assembly meeting," he replied plainly.
"No wonder," he hummed. "Well, you picked a good day to come. The weather is pretty nice today."
Ren raised an unamused eyebrow at the boy.
"You know very well it can rain in here depending on your mental state, don't give me that look," the teenager admonished.
"So, who do you have from your menagerie today?" Ren asked, smoothly changing the subject.
"Well, we've got Heckle, Jeckle and Fred," he answered, pointing to the birds. "This is Sir Reginald Von Hoppington the Third and Chairman Meow's down by my feet."
"I can see you've had plenty of time to come up with strange names."
"Says the guy talking to himself in his own mind because he's bored," the boy mutters, shaking his head. "You're gonna be here for a while so come on and have a seat. I'm sure Chairman will let you pet him."
He removed his jacket before sitting, a move he realized was more reflexive than necessary. Any animal hair he got on himself in his mind would not manifest on his actual clothing. Since it was already off, he left it that way and turned to sit on the bench folding the jacket neatly over the armrest to his right. Sir Reginald Von Hoppington the Third was, apparently, not pleased with the newest addition to the gathering at the bench and promptly escaped, scrambling over Ren's lap and pushing his jacket aside as it dashed under the armrest to freedom. The clink of metal hitting stone caused both men to look towards the source of the noise and they bent over to look on the pavement below the bench.
There, on the ground, having fallen out of his jacket pocket, was a small, brass key.
THIS CHAPTER BROUGHT TO YOU BY RAINY DAYS, FUDGE STRIPED COOKIES AND MY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST (also known as the Dream Team Creativity Trifecta): The next update after this should be on time, but the one following it may be a week late as I have to travel (ugh, again) for work. However, if I get it done early, maybe I'll update it before I have to leave... maybe. No promises on that, unfortunately!
Thanks to everyone who wrote a review for the last chapter. You, and all of the readers who see this, are my reason for doing this so it's nice to have the encouragement to keep going. Keep being amazing and I'll see you all again in two weeks!
AUTHOR OUT!