From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I really thought we were passed the arguing thing.

Time written: 9/29/2258 19:35:34

Time send: 9/30/2258 00:00:01

I thought after the last blowout involving me overreacting when you asked me questions about my family would be the end of our stupid arguments. I hoped we finally turned a corner in our extremely complicated relationship. Considering today's altercation where I almost punch you, I don't think we are there yet.

For the first time, I actually told you that I was upset about you keeping things from me. Today, when I asked you questions about the girlfriend and that asshole Vulcan Stonn that keeps saying things that makes me want to kick his ass, you changed the subject or utilized some other avoidance strategy. That must be your favorite conflict management mechanism. This time I wouldn't let you get away with it. I kept harping on you until you actually answered my question. This led to shouting and finely me bawling up my fist just seconds from almost hitting you.

I stopped myself before I actually did hit you and then I ran away from you so fast that I may or may not have ran someone over. I spent the rest of the day building things until I was actually calm enough for some e-mail therapy. Building things is my other stress relief thing and there are many things to build here.

I can't believe I almost hit you. I don't want to be Frank. That was my biggest fear growing up. I don't want to be that type of person that says that they love someone and shows that loved by leaving the not fun type of bruises all over there body. Not that I love you, because I don't. I'm sorry about what happened today.

From:

KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I'm not sure if I love you

Time written: 9/29/2258 20:12:41

Time send: 9/30/2258 00:00:01

I need to stop lying to myself. If I'm only writing these letters for myself then I need to be honest. If you can't be honest with yourself, then who can you be honest with?

I don't know how I feel about you. You still confuse the hell out of me. Actually, I find you more confusing now than when we were 'not arguing' all the time before things became amicable. I know I'm sexually attracted to you. You are beautiful. How could I not find you sexually attractive?

However, I'm also attracted to more than just your aesthetic beauty. I'm attracted to you. I enjoy spending time with you. I'm annoyed that you're only letting me in so far because I want to know everything about you. I want to see the real you.

I know that I care about you. I hate that you are away from me so much right now because of this assignment. I miss being on the bridge with you. I miss our chess games. I miss having lunch with you. I do get that you need to spend time with your father even though you two are still barely getting along. I don't have any right to monopolize your time.

I was willing to attack that ass hole Vulcan for you. That right there is a very obvious sign that I really love like you. I would have kicked that dick's ass for what he said about you and your mother if you would've let me. You don't refer to someone's dead mother by any derogatory synonym for prostitute in any language. That's just not right.

I'm surprise you didn't try to kill him. I said you did not love your mom and you try to kill me. He calls her a slut and you just walk away. Me asking you about that particular course of action was what started our last argument in the first place.

I know I want to be more than your friend, even though that's not going to happen right now. You are with someone else presently, even though I know that relationship is not headed for white picket fences and 1.7 children. I just can't actively try to break the two of you up because it would hurt you. I'd rather die than cause you pain.

Even though you refuse to talk to me about what's going on, I know that particular relationship is falling apart. I've known for a while and maybe I wanted to pretend that it would be happily ever after for you two to keep myself from—I don't know what. I'm so confused.

I know I have been using your relationship with someone else to ignore that I am starting to really care about you. It's pretty obvious that you and the girlfriend are not going to be forever because your father has been trying to set you up with other people since we arrived at the colony weeks ago and you did not even bother bringing the girlfriend to meet the parent. (Although, you did bring me. Can I please read something into that?)

Apparently, I did understand your argument with your father when we first got here even if I still don't know what Pon farr means and I'm too afraid to ask. I was just shocked that your dad was playing matchmaker when you are in a relationship with someone else. Actually, I'm surprise he would play matchmaker at all. Considering he has backed off in the last few days maybe he finally got that you're not interested in settling down here on the colony and leaving me Starfleet behind. I am not even going to pretend that you would be staying for the girlfriend because it's obvious that your relationship with Uhura is not strong enough to keep you on Enterprise. It wasn't the first time around.)

Honestly, I don't know if I love you. I don't think I know what love is. It's not exactly like I've had the best role models in this area. My father supposedly loved my mother but he left her behind. Yes, he did it to protect us and 800 other individuals, but he still left her behind. My mother loved my father but she married Frank less than five years after his death. Frank supposedly loved my mother but he fucked around behind her back and abused her children.

The only functional relationship I have ever seen between two people that really loved each other has been between Pike and his wife. I will admit I want that type of love someday, maybe. I want to be with somebody who would be willing to put his or her entire career on the line for our relationship. I want to be with somebody who would stay by my side through rehabilitation and forced career changes.

Even if I do love you, I'm not sure what to do about it. You are not single right now, even if the relationship isn't perfect. If you and her break up tomorrow, it's not like you and I will jump headfirst into a new relationship. I can tell you from personal experience that rebound relationships usually end in disaster and spending quality time with my good friend, Jack. I don't want to risk the possibility of us having that life altering friendship for a temporary sexual relationship. I don't think I can function without you anymore. We have known each other less than six months and I can't imagine my life without you now. I'd rather just be your friend then live the rest of my life without you.

Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe all this confusion and sexual attraction to someone who can only be a friend is caused by extreme sexual frustration. After we get done with our work here on the colony I asked if we could have a little shore leave. Heavy construction and extreme temperatures is not exactly the easiest thing on humans even though we have all this great technology that can put up an apartment complex in less than 24 hours. Maybe a shore leave hookup is exactly what I need.

Part of me does not think sex with some complete stranger is going to make things better. Yes, I've done one or two one night stands before but I'm pretty sure copious amounts of alcohol were involved. I'm never very comfortable with it and usually have to get myself drunk enough not to care.

Second, I just want you. I just want to be with you. I don't think there's anybody on any planet that could take your place. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to the extreme sexual frustration/confusion. I've become really good friends with my right hand recently thanks to you.

Since I can't do anything about the sexual frustration I can at least try to deal with the other parts of my confusion and irritation caused by you. You made a valid point this morning during our argument. I can't expect you to tell me your entire life story when you barely know anything about my pre-Starfleet life that wasn't in whatever file you read to prepare for your arguments at the Kobayashi Maru trial months ago. If I cannot even send you these letters then what right do I have to expect you to open up to me about your girlfriend troubles or about being bullied growing up?

Pike always told me that the best Captains lead by example. I'm going to lead by example. I know I'm not going to send you this letter because that might lead to me spending several hours in sexual harassment training and you handing in your resignation. I'm not going to risk that happening. Do you know how boring those seminars are?

First, I'm going to actually apologize for what happened this afternoon. Then I'm going to suggest we find some way to squeeze in that movie night even though we are unbelievably busy right now. I'm going to tell you stories about how Sam taught me how to ride an old fashion bike because Frank was too drunk and my mom wasn't there to teach me how. I may even tell you about being bullied and breaking some idiot's nose in the third grade for calling me 'orphaned boy'. I promise to tell you about being 13 and figuring out that I liked boys too. I'll tell you about all the crazy things that happened in the dorms at my posh private school. Bad and sometimes illegal things happen when you lock 250 gifted kids in a dormitory together. I'm personally surprise nobody ended up dead or arrested. If we do have shore leave and you get me drunk enough I may even tell you about the day I found out that Sam was dead. Maybe if I let you really see me, maybe you'll let me really see you. It's worth a try.

A/N: As being A K/S writer that respects Uhura, I realize that too many times in fanfiction, she is reduced to the role of the girlfriend, the sex object, or the bitch. She is too good of a character to have that happen to her. I have started a new C2 called 'Uhura is my last name' dedicated to the sheer awesomeness that is Nyota Uhura. I need story suggestions and possibly staff members. I'm looking for stories where Uhura is a strong individual regardless of the main pairing. PM me if you have something. Thank you.

Only one more chapter to go until we get to Spock's perspective. Thank you to everyone who is still reading and reviewing.