Hi there! I am so immensely sorry that it has been so long since I've updated this story. Some of you may have noticed that I've spent most of the past few months working on one of my other stories (when I've actually had the chance to write). My schedule this semester was absolutely insane, and I've not had much time at all to write in any way. But now that the semester is over, I'm hoping to write a lot more over break. That being said, I am going to try to work on both of the stories I have going (but I'm actually a little biased toward this one now that I've written on it again). One reason it took so long to update is that I had to re-read this story for myself because I'd forgotten where I was in my plot line.
As always, please let me know what you think of this story! I would love to hear from you all, especially because it's been so long since I've updated this one!
I hope you all enjoy what this chapter has to offer! It's really going to be the turning point of the story, so just bear with me and Alec as we both figure out how to get our lives in order!
Over the next week, Alec was able to keep his thoughts under control, keeping them to himself and keeping everything locked inside. It was simply easier to live that way, to pretend as though nothing was wrong because that kept people from asking questions. But more importantly, it kept him from hurting those around him, and that was all that truly mattered to him at the moment. It was much easier to work things out on his own, to simply continue in a normal way while he let his mind work through the situation before he started acting on what he was feeling. Out of all the things going on with his life and his situation, the one thing Alec knew was that he couldn't afford to let his emotions control his actions.
The worst part of the situation was that Alec knew exactly what his duty was. As Prince Alexander, his father's orders were to be followed without question. As Prince Alexander, Alec knew that his duty was to his family and his people. And after talking with his mother about the arranged marriage and what it would mean, Alec knew that his engagement to Lydia was the best thing he could do for his family. His mother had so gently explained how the power and status of Lydia's family, the Branwells, would exponentially help increase the status of the royal line. The kind of alliance that would be formed by their marriage would only boost the effectiveness of the royal line within the Clave.
Yet the way that Maryse had talked to Alec about the engagement had been less than forceful, as though she knew exactly how much it would take for Alec to submit to the will of his father and marry Lydia. It had almost felt as though she was being careful to take his emotions into consideration in a way that both of his parents very rarely did. Yet even with the way his mother had seemed so much more remorseful about the fact that they would be forcing Alec to marry Lydia, Alec still hadn't felt as though he could completely open up to his mother. There were some things that he knew his mother simply wouldn't be able to understand, and his relationship with Magnus was certainly one of those things.
The thing that had been eating at Alec's conscience was that he had yet to mention anything at all to Magnus about the situation with Lydia. At first, he hadn't done so because he need to clear his mind, but as the days passed, it became increasingly harder for him to actually figure out how to go about telling Magnus. The more time that passed, the worse Alec knew the situation would be, so now he knew that he was stuck. No matter when he tried to tell Magnus, he knew that Magnus would get angry that he'd kept it a secret for so long. But now he was currently on his way to a dinner date with Magnus, and he wasn't entirely sure how he would ever be able to keep up the act.
As soon as Alec saw Magnus, however, his worries practically melted away. "What? No sweater today?" Magnus asked as they walked into the restaurant. They were trying an Italian restaurant that neither of them had ever been to before, something that they hoped would actually be a treat for both of them for once. Alec couldn't help but smile at Magnus's comment. For once, Alec had actually made an effort to dress up and look nice, abandoning his sweater in favor of an outfit he knew Magnus liked. Alec simply shrugged and gave Magnus a playful look that he knew Magnus wouldn't question. The last thing that Alec had truly expected was to be so comfortable with Magnus and so comfortable with his secret that he was able to function normally. This caught him by surprise so much that he actually began to feel guilty about it, something he knew Magnus would be able to easily pick up on.
So Alec tried his hardest to tamp down his guilt and follow Magnus into the restaurant. Over the past several weeks, one thing that had been greatly weighing him down was the thought of what might happen to Magnus if their relationship was ever discovered. But Alec had to continually remind himself as they took their seats that they would not be recognized. There was a reason their dates were explicitly at mundane venues, and Alec knew that Magnus also used glamours just in case any Downworlders happened to run into them. But that still couldn't seem to erase the feelings that were deep inside Alec's gut, the feelings of both fear and anticipation for the things that he knew were inevitable.
"Alec?" Magnus asked, placing his menu on the table and looking over at Alec and his own untouched menu. "You sure everything's okay? You're abnormally quiet tonight," he said, his voice lowered in a way that told Alec he was highly suspicious. Alec tried to force a smile, knowing that even if he wanted to tell Magnus the truth of what was going on, he certainly wasn't going to be able to do so at dinner when they were surrounded by mundanes. The last thing he wanted was for complete strangers to have the chance to overhear his entire private life in one sitting.
So Alec nodded and picked up his menu, forcing himself to act as normal as he possibly could. "Everything's perfect," he replied, continuing to eye Magnus over his menu. "I was just thinking about how I haven't had good lasagna in years. The last time we had any, it was made by Isabelle, so you can imagine what that experience was like." Alec felt himself relax when Magnus finally chuckled, seemingly content with that answer. So in the end, Alec ordered lasagna to help support the lie he felt immensely guilty about telling, and tried to make the best of the situation at hand. He knew that he should be enjoying every second that he had with Magnus, that their time together was likely very short. At least it was going to be very short if things continued the way they were currently going.
Alec tried his hardest to relax into his time with Magnus. Lately they'd both been so busy that dates had been few and far between, so he knew that they were terribly lucky to actually have the time together. But every time Magnus made a joke or said something even slightly happy, Alec couldn't help but be reminded of their impending doom. Even as he kissed Magnus goodnight and began his walk back to the Institute, Alec couldn't shake the feeling that no matter what his next decision was, he was going to lose someone or something he cared about.
The way Alec saw it, he had two choices, and neither of them were favorable in any way. If he conceded to marrying Lydia, he would have to break up with Magnus. It wouldn't be fair to ask Magnus to continue their relationship on the side like that; it would be beyond demeaning. But if he decided that he certainly did not want to marry Lydia and that he would not go through with the engagement, he would have to both come out to his parents and admit that he had a relationship with Magnus. Doing so would surely mean Magnus's arrest, and then the rest would be history. Neither of these options were fair to Magnus in any way, and neither of them were particularly appealing to Alec. But he knew that his parents would never accept that he wanted to decline the engagement without proof that he was in another relationship.
So Alec spent the rest of the night racking his brain for other ways to get out of the situation. He'd exhausted himself from doing so for the past few weeks, but he figured that it couldn't' possibly hurt to continue trying to find a more favorable way out. Yet as Alec fell asleep, he couldn't keep his mind from straying to much happier thoughts, like Magnus's smile, or the feeling of Magnus's lips on his. And these things only made the situation worse, breaking his will to actually take any sort of action on the matter at all.
"We need to talk," Alec forced himself to say as soon as he walked into Magnus's apartment just two days later. It almost broke his heart that Magnus looked wholly unconcerned, as if what he had to say was obviously something simply and harmless. But Alec knew what he had to do, and he knew that he couldn't let anything stand in his way. If given the change, he knew Magnus was want to have a say in the matter at hand, and he knew that Magnus would try to change his mind. So Alec knew that what he needed to do was refrain from giving Magnus the change to have any kind of say in the matter, to act like everything that he had to say was exactly what he wanted to happen, no matter how painful the next few minutes were going to be.
After several agonizingly long seconds of silence, Alec knew he had to continue, knew he had to keep from talking himself out of what he needed to do. "We have to break up," Alec finally continued, holding up a hand as Magnus began to protest. He looked down at his feet, trying to keep from looking at Magnus's confused and hurt expression, knowing that his will would easily break if he did so. "Don't say anything yet," he said, his voice becoming ever so slightly softer. "We both know that this is never going to work. We've been fooling ourselves for far too long. Why continue something that we know is going to end sooner or later?" Alec took a deep breath when Magnus began shaking his head in earnest, obviously shaken by what was going on. "We both know that princes don't belong in Downworld," Alec forced himself to finish, forced himself to pretend to believe what he was saying.
For a few seconds, all Magnus could seem to do was stare at him, clearly running through what Alec had just said over and over again. "What? Now you want me to believe that you've suddenly become the prince your father has always wanted you to be?" Magnus finally asked, unable to keep the bitterness and anger from his voice."You suddenly want to make me think that you now inexplicably by into all the crap that your family has fed you from the day you were born?" Magnus was still shaking his head, still trying to gather his thoughts and figure out exactly what was going on. "I'm sorry, Alexander, but you're going to have to give me a better reason than that before I'll let you walk out of here just like that."
Somehow, Alec had known this was coming. He'd known that his first excuse wouldn't be good enough, but he'd also known that he couldn't possibly tell Magnus the truth. If he tried to tell magnus that the reason they needed to break up was because his family had arranged his marriage to Lydia, Magnus would certainly try to change his mind. Magnus would become obsessed with trying to figure out another way to handle the situation, and that was something that Alec didn't want for him. Their breakup was the option that would hurt Magnus the least, at least if Alec was looking at the long run. So Alec forced himself to continue, knowing that what he was about to do would hurt him just as much as it would hurt Magnus. "Believe it or not, Magnus, but it's the truth," he said, forcing it to be a statement that he truly believed himself.
At that, Magnus automatically began shaking his head even harder. "You were fine two days ago, Alexander. I refuse to believe that you suddenly feel this way. What's going on, Alec? Tell me the truth." Alec looked away from Magnus once more, knowing that he needed to get out of the situation before he gave in to what Magnus was saying. "Something has happened, Alec. Something is making you say this because you believe it will take care of whatever is going on. Just talk to me, Alexander. We can work this out together." At that, Alec got up from where he'd been sitting, shaking his own head this time. He hated how dangerously correct Magnus was about the entire thing. Magnus always picked up on even the smallest of signals, and Alec hated that at the moment, hated the fact that the person who knew him the best was the one he had to deceive.
"It's useless, Magnus," he said, walking toward and trying to keep himself from looking back. When he did look back, however, with his hand on the doorknob, Alec almost allowed himself to run straight back into Magnus's arms. Magnus was clearly much more emotional than Alec had ever seen him, obviously at a complete loss to stop what he knew would inevitably break his heart. And the fact that hurt Alec the most was knowing that he was the one causing Magnus's pain, that he was the one who could very easily turn the situation around and end all of Magnus's heartbreak.
It was then that Magnus stood up himself, suddenly much less cautious than he had been before, seemingly accepting what was happening. "If all of this is so useless to you, Alexander, then fine. If that's what you think of our relationship, then there's nothing I can do to change that." Alec could hear the pain in Magnus's voice, but he forced himself to keep from focusing on it, knowing just how close he was to giving in and telling Magnus everything. "If you don't want to tell me what's really going on, then okay. But once you walk out that door, there's no coming back. If this is what you truly want, then there's no changing your mind. I will not be pushed around like that. I will not have my emotions played with. So make your decision, Alexander. Either talk to me and let me help you with this, or leave. But once your decision is made, there's not going to be any turning back."
What Magus was suddenly saying had completely caught Alec off guard, and now he was forced to pause mid-decision. The last thing he had expected was for Magnus to react in this way. He'd never thought of Magnus becoming defensive and becoming so angry so quickly. He wanted to tell Magnus everything, he wanted to melt his worries away with the one person he knew he'd ever love most in the world. But Alec also knew that he had a duty to do. Not just a duty to his family and the royal line, but also a duty to Magnus himself. So Alec took another deep breath, closed his eyes, and did the only thing he knew to do.
"You did what?" Jace asked, his voice a little louder than Alec had expected it. "Are you insane?" he continued, looking over at his parabatai with an expression that told Alec that he was genuinely concerned. Jace took a deep breath before beginning again, consciously lowering his voice. "Anyone with half a mind can see that you love Magnus. I've never seen you love someone this much. Why the hell would you break up with him?" Alec sighed, knowing that quickly getting out of the conversation was not an option at all. He knew that Jace was simply concerned, and he knew that he had told Jace to begin with because he needed to lean on Jace at the moment.
"You and I both know that there's no getting out of this engagement to Lydia without Magnus being arrested," Alec began, his voice wavering for the first time all night. "And you as well as I do that Magnus would never accept our breakup if I told him the truth about everything. It was honestly the only thing I could think to do, Jace." All Alec wanted to do at the moment was to go to sleep, to wake up the next day and forget about all that he had lost, but he knew that waking up in the morning would likely be even more painful than what he was feeling at the moment. "I had to protect him, Jace. I had to protect him from what I knew they would do to him if they found out."
It was a terribly simple statement, but it was one that broke Alec's heart into a million more pieces. "There has to be something else we can do, a better way to go about this than you just leaving him like that," Jace said, obviously not willing to resign himself to the fact that he knew Alec was right. "We'll figure something else out, I swear that to you. You're my parabatai, and that means that I am not going to let this happen to you. I'm not going to let them force you to live a life that will make you miserable. You have my word, Alec." Alec knew that Jace was only trying to help, but the only thing he could do was get up from Jace's bed and make his way toward the door.
Alec was so exhausted both physically and mentally that he hardly noticed that someone was standing directly outside of Jace's bedroom door. It was only after he'd already run into Lydia that he realized that she'd likely overheard everything he and Jace had said, everything he'd shared with his parabatai about his night. "You love Magnus, don't you?" Lydia asked, but the simple question proved too much for Alec to actually bear. He knew that Lydia would never sell them out, and he knew that she would never judge him for it. But his months of working to keep the secret, months of carefully held composure were thrown away all at once, and Alec couldn't seem to do anything other than stare at Lydia. What surprised him the most, however, was that she simply walked away from him, simply turned and went back to her own room, locking the door behind her without another word, leaving Alec to a sleepless night of figuring out exactly what horrible thing was going to happen to him next.