A/N: Well I was hit by creativity big time today. Though it had been a real long day… If you like it and you read until the end, then please review also. You can state what you like or not. Because this helps me as an author. It is support in the best way, so one can learn and grow. Otherwise you have it my way all along and I don't care what others think :D. Okay, I'm calling it a night!
The songs used: CH 9 - Evanescence - Going Under + After Midnight Project - Take Me Home
CH 10 - After Midnight Project - Fighting My Way Back
I didn't know how long I had lay on my bed and just stared at the ceiling.
There was this big emptiness in my mind. I felt so exhausted and sad.
I always had thought that Edward despised me, he even had said so and acted this way. But all of a sudden he decided to change and became someone entirely new.
He was emotional and had almost not control whatsoever.
And yes, there were these words he had mentioned. I tried everything to not mull about them too much. It just couldn't be that he was in love with me. It was too much of a paradox.
He didn't even know me. So how could he think he was in love with me? I was just a perfect stranger.
Slowly I rolled from one side to the other and looked out of the window. Again it rained and I was sure that it was pretty cold outside by now.
Edward already consumed my thoughts too much. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to know his ordeal. I wanted to help him, find a way back home.
But how could I and above that, why should I? Didn't he deserve whatever he was feeling? He never cared for me before, so why should I do for him?
I just needed to rest and wanted to go to bed already and call it a day but it was still too early and dad had only arrived a few minutes ago.
Hearing him rummaging in the kitchen I made my way downstairs and greeted him.
"You sure look tired Bella. Had it been a good weekend?"
I stretched myself and ran through my hair while I was thinking about it.
"Yes it was very much fun and I got to know a lot of new people. Esme, Alice's mother is really nice. Maybe you could visit them with me one day?"
"I'm sure I will. And… Did you get to know any guys?"
I rolled my eyes. Boys, men there were the last thing I wanted to talk about right now.
"No dad. I behaved and just had girl-fun. Did you catch any fish?"
He walked over to the fridge and opened it.
"Look what I have here!" He said proudly.
After a few steps I looked at dead eyes.
"They're still pretty ugly."
Dad shook his head and smiled.
"You'll never gonna like them, am I right?
"Not, if I don't have to," I answered.
"Will you call your mom today?"
"No, I'm just not in the mood. I gonna write her an email."
"Say hello from me, please."
"I'll do. So what are you going to do now?"
"Exciting things like watching TV and see if we finally hit the jackpot."
"Much luck dad. I'm going upstairs, I'm still groggy and want to rest. 's ok?"
"Of course, take care princess."
"Yes my lord," I snickered and went back to my room.
As I sat down on my bed I felt this big emptiness once more.
I wasn't in a mood to do really anything. I didn't want to listen to music, watching TV or reading. Didn't want to go online and check my mails or write one. I just wanted to cover myself and hide from the outside.
So this was the only thing for me to do and I snuggled with my bed sheet while I was counting the minutes passing.
But the only word in my mind was Edward. He had taken over me. Now I started to over analyze everything ever happened between the two of us.
I remembered the day I first saw him. The seconds I had laid my eyes on him I felt something. There was something about him I wanted to find out what it was. He had this special aura surrounding him.
There were so many girls who seemingly wanted to do the same. But he didn't pay attention to a single one.
Some said they thought he was weird and kind of a loner but slowly he built himself a reputation in school.
He got in fights and from time to time he stooped to actually get into contact with a girl. Just as I had witnessed in the library. It was a very unpleasant feeling and I tried not to think about it too hard.
And then it had started. All of a sudden he had picked me to be his perfect victim. I had never understood why.
Sometimes I had caught him staring at me but I always thought these were stares of hatred and not… Attraction?
But on the beach he had been very sincere as far as I could judge. He wouldn't have lied to me, so far I knew already.
And all these songs we had been listening to.
He knew the song in the radio and wanted to turn it off. If he hadn't already showed almost everything of himself.
Take me Home
I wanna go
And I'm sorry I can't love you
I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.
Who was Edward Cullen? How could I find out who he really was when there was this big wall around him?
Why was I so fucking interested in figuring him out?
I knew there was something I wasn't ready to admit. In all these years we had been enemies I never had been sure if I really hated him. I always thought he was something special and that there must been a reason he had chosen me.
After some more minutes I stopped agonizing and dragged myself to my laptop.
I turned it on and read some emails while I remembered that I had to write my mom.
From:
To: René
Hey mom, it's me – finally, I know…
How are you? I hope the best!
For me it had been a rough week and a very fun weekend!
I had been sick and missed two days of school, also I was shopping with one of my school friends. Her name is Alice Cullen and she is one of a kind :). We went to Seattle and I swear I had never bought so many things in my whole life! I even bought high heels – you can imagine?
We were at the benefit party I had told you about. Esme, Alice's mom, is a very kind and nice person. Maybe you will meet her someday. She's working as an interior designer and their house is so big and beautiful!
Also I started to look into some Colleges. Maybe you can give me some advices?
Right now it's raining – again – I wish I was in Florida and enjoy the sun!
Hope to hear from you soon and Charlie said hello ;).
Give Phil a hug.
Love you
Bella
Clicked and sent. Yes I missed some details like an almost suicide and Edward but I couldn't tell her, there was no use in it.
She would be worried sick and regarding Edward, she would ask me a thousand questions I didn't have the answers to.
Actually my mom never really got to know my dark side because we often just met during the holidays and there I could relax and be away from it all. I think she would be totally surprise if she knew.
Maybe it was a mistake I was keeping everything to myself. But in these moments I felt so weak and didn't want to show this side of me. I didn't want dad to see me in my darkest days. He couldn't help me anyways or so I thought.
I sighed and went to Facebook. Roaming around and looking at things I couldn't care less I got a new friends request. Of course it had to be him, who else? There had been a few minutes I didn't think about him and bam, there he was again.
But this time I didn't click no, but yes.
His Facebook name was unique. He called himself White demon. This was a way to describe oneself!
Quickly and interested I looked at his page.
I found the name of his old school and what he was into regarding music, books and music. I was surprise because he liked most of the same stuff I did. He seemed to be a music lover just like me.
Also he apparently could sing. There were some pictures, likely taken in Chicago, in a club with him on a microphone, a guitar and closed eyes. He looked as he belonged into this place. There were comments written about his good voice and how much his friends had enjoyed this particular evening.
That had been one year ago. Probably he had visited during one of the holidays and many of his friends were missing him and his musical talent.
I clicked myself through the pictures and also found some from Alice. She looked so happy and cute next to him. He seemed much more relaxed than he was here.
Also there were several girls standing next to him. Strangely I had this weird feeling in me while I looked at them. It felt kinda wrong.
All of a sudden there was one picture which almost took my breath away. He was standing in a big garden or park and was looking directly into the camera. He was wearing a blue jacket, a white shirt and jeans. His hands had been stuffed inside his pockets and his hair was just as tousled as always. All with a stubbly jaw and closed lips.
But the way he glanced in this picture was how I had experienced him today. He looked kind of lost and accusing. And perfect.
Yes he looked perfect. Perfect as far as I could see. I was touched to see him so raw and personal. I wondered who took the photo. Also there were no comments written. Maybe it was a special picture just he knew the meaning of.
Perhaps he did the same just as me. I had also downloaded some photos online and you could see my different side. Mostly my mom had taken them in Florida or some vacations we had been on. I could see all of my flaws and change but for a stranger they would look perfectly normal.
Normal as someone should be and not a freak like me… Or him for that matter.
When I was done with sneaking I started to watch some trailers and tried to memorize the movies I wanted to watch in the near future.
As I was about to turn my laptop off again, I saw that I had a message from Edward. He hadn't written something but just copied a YouTube link.
Curious as I was I clicked on it and of course it was song. And it immediately touched my soul and I shivered from it intensity.
Standing on the corner in the city
It's feeling like prison
Tried to hold us both but you got away
I could have been a lover, could have been a fighter
But I didn't know how
And every time you cried I had nothing to say
Anew a message from Edward. He just couldn't hold back with his feelings and leave me alone. No he just couldn't.
But I'm coming back
Holding you to your words
You said All I had to do is try
I'm fighting my way back to you
They can try and stop me but I'll break through
I'm fighting my way back to you
I'm taking back, what I gave away
Apparently his message was very clear: He wouldn't give up and let me go.
I'm tracing all the word that I couldn't say
On the window
All this frost stays as cold as I am
I could have been a lover, could have been a fighter
But I didn't know how
Please wait for me, you better wait for me
I'm fighting my way back to you
They can try and stop me but I'll break through
I'm fighting my way back to you
I'm taking back, what I gave away
Now I imagined him singing this song to me. Only for me on a clear and perfect night. Just the two of us and his words hanging in the air.
I could have been a lover, could have been a fighter
But I didn't know how
But all of a sudden I hit rock bottom. I hadn't even noticed how my eyes filled themselves with tears and my hands were clenched.
I let out a strangled cry and gave up. I cried and cried, salty water never to stop again. Just as he said, tragedy and beauty were on their own terms and I found so much within this single song.
Edward wanted to fight for me. For us…
It was absurd but he played by his own rules and I couldn't see it rationally. Couldn't see why he wanted to take it upon himself to fix us. Was there even something to be fixed?
Because I loved to torture myself, I listened to the song over and over again. I scribbled down the name of the band, After Midnight Project, and planned to listen to the rest of their music.
After my crying session I went back to my bed again and heard the singer's voice still in my head.
But right now I wanted to get lost in something else and I took out the book I had bought yesterday. Of course it also reminded me, again, of these green eyes but I couldn't help myself. Was there a better way to get distracted than by a sexy vampire guy and his adventures?
So I spend my afternoon reading and blushing. Also I imagined many dirty things but I tried not to imagine someone else. But it didn't help that this vampire guy called Desmond had black, messed up hair, a beard and green eyes. It made me want to tear my hair out!
Because I felt drained and turned on at the same time I put the book aside, locked my room and undressed myself.
I wanted to feel the cold fabric on my heated skin. Lazily my fingers were caressing my body and I let out a quite moan when I touched myself between my thighs. I felt languorous and blissed when I started to move my hand faster.
My mind wandered to yesterday and a specific moment when I had been wet and willing. I remembered his naked body pressed under mine and the length of his erection.
My breathing got hitched when I called his kisses to my mind. They had been so sensual and sexy. But also wild and erratic. When his teeth had nibbled on my lips and his sucking on my tongue.
I had never done this before but in this moment there was no time to be afraid or ashamed of having no knowledge. He seemed to be totally content with my kissing skills and didn't complain.
Automatically my lower body moved up and down and I felt something was missing. Edward should be buried deep inside of me. His length should hit spots I never had felt before and I wanted to feel his stubbly jaw scratching over my sensitive skin that was my breasts.
I stroked, rubbed and felt my wetness on my fingers. How would it be to have his tongue inside of me?
My mind was running 100 miles per hour and everything fell into place when I allowed myself to fully think of him. With all the consequences.
I almost screamed out his name when I came. And I came hard. It rocked my body and I shattered into a million pieces.
Edward, oh Edward. I was chiming and my breathing got slowly normal again.
As I was out of my frenzy again I realized what I had just done. I had used him. I mean he was deep down, just as I was on the verge, and I masturbated while thinking about him and what we had done.
But still I wasn't sure about this boy and his crazy antics. Disregarding our problems it had felt pretty good and I was quite confident that he was doing the same and using my image shamelessly.
As I regained some power I got up and showered quickly. After that I went down again and joined dad watching a quiz show. We had this battle going on who knew more things. It always depended on the show and the topics.
In some I was the master but in others he beat me easily. And so we ordered a pizza and made ourselves comfortable on this lazy Sunday.
When I woke up the next day, I knew that everything was different from one week ago. I also skipped breakfast because I didn't feel like eating and drove to school.
Actually it was nice being here again. I could see few of my friends and do something other than waste hours after hours procrastinating.
At my locker I was greeted by Angela. She told me about Ben and that they had been on a date this weekend. I told her that I wanted to know every detail in lunch break. She nodded and beamed from one ear to the other. Oh the lucky lovebirds. I was more like a misery crow.
Also I was totally motivated and did some contributions in class. Right now I was eager to do something and learn or just see other people and not the four walls of my room.
When English class finished Mr. O'Connell called me over,
"Bella I have a question for you."
"Ok," I simply said.
"As far as I have noticed you like to write, am I right?"
"Yes, I think so," I said unsure.
"Because I thought about starting a creative writing class. The new school year has just begun and there is still time to open another class but I also need willing participants."
"How many do you already have?" I asked.
Mr. O'Connell fumbled with some papers and found a small list.
"Ah there it is! We have one, two, three, four people already. Oh and Edward Cullen just joined. So that's making five."
I didn't know what was so special about Edward joining but on the other hand it definitively sounded interesting.
"Well I guess I would like to take a look. When could it start?"
"I still need some more people but when I have them I let you know. By this Wednesday I should have enough, I think. But thanks Bella," he said and wrote down my name also.
"Ok, then thanks and bye," I said and walked to the next class.
Until lunch there raged a constant battle in my head because of my memories from yesterday, the future and some other things. I just couldn't get myself together.
I bit my lip when I was heavy in thought and was out when all of a sudden I heard someone yelling my name.
Quickly I turned around and saw Alice coming my way.
"Hey Bella, long time no see," she said grinning and gave me a half-hug.
"What's up Alice? Could you help your mom yesterday?"
We walked the way to the cafeteria and she told me what they had done in Port Angeles and that they had met a famous, local artist, from whom Esme had bought two pictures.
"And I swear to God, it looked like a hurricane banned on a canvas. The swirling of the colours. A perfect but coordinated chaos. You really have to see it!"
"I'm looking forward to," I said and noticed the change in her face.
"Before we go inside Bella, there's something I'd like you to ask."
"Ok, just go ahead."
"Did you know if something happened to Edward over the weekend or just yesterday?"
I looked at her questioning.
"Why is that?"
"When we came back from Port Angeles his door was closed. Okay, that's not something unusual but I heard real loud music. It were really heavy and sad tones. When I knocked he didn't respond and I actually dared to try and get in. The door was open and then I saw him lying on his bed and smoking weed. He was in a total different space and didn't acknowledge me. But I saw enough to know that he had been crying, a lot."
"Did you try to speak to him?" I asked her anxiously.
"Yes I did but he just wouldn't talk to me. He shut me out completely and smoked. He was lucky because mom had been visiting one of her customers after our little trip. But I guess he wouldn't have cared anyways."
Again I could tell her the truth but she really wouldn't understand. How should I explain it to her when I wasn't able to do it firstly?
"That sounds pretty strange if you ask me. I didn't notice something during the weekend. He was just as normal as usual. Maybe he has some kind of trouble," I stated and looked at Alice, whose eyes changed into sad ones.
"Yeah I imagined you would say that. How should you know? Maybe I can talk to him later."
"Did he go to school today?"
Alice's head moved and she hinted to one of the cafeteria tables. There he was and his eyes lingered on us. Maybe for the whole time already.
"He has spotted us. Big brother is watching," she said dryly. "Well whatever Bella, do we wanna grab our lunch?"
"There you go," I said and followed her into the row of the other students.
Angela was already sitting at our table and marked some lines in a book.
"Hey Bella, hey Alice!" She said happily. At least one person with no trouble.
Alice and I sat down and after Alice had told every little thing about the party, Angela was all dreamy and in happy-rainbow-unicorn-flying-hearts-land.
She and Ben had been on their first date in Seattle. It was spontaneous and they had so much fun. They went into the Pacific Science Center, watched a movie there, counted starts in the planetarium and learned some new fun facts. After that they went for dinner and Ben had admitted how much he had liked Angela.
She was so cute and it almost made me sick. Because that should have been my story but no.
Instead the only person on earth, with as much problems like me, had chosen to like me and stuck to his guns. Why was this happening again?
While Alice and Angela talked about some love stuff, I looked over to his table.
Today he wore blue. He wore this blue jacket! I almost immediately recognized it. He just looked like he did in the picture. So alone although he was surrounded by people.
Lauren was next to him, but he didn't pay attention but listened to music and poked at his food. Also he looked pretty rough.
Now I wondered what he was listening to. Maybe the same song he had sent me yesterday?
Because I urgently had to use the bathroom I left the cafeteria a little bit earlier and finished business. As I stepped out I was greeted by a familiar sight, leaning at the lockers in front of me.
"Hey."
Not many people were in the hall and so no one noticed how we went into an empty classroom.
He closed the door and looked unsure what to do next.
I crossed my arms and huffed loudly. He should notice when I wasn't in the mood of playing stupid games.
"Did you see the message I had sent you yesterday?"
"Yes, I listened to the song."
"You liked it?" He asked and sat down on the teacher's table.
"It's quite an intense song."
"And that means?"
I sighed and massaged my temple.
"I liked it. Actually very much."
He stared down on the floor again.
"Did Alice tell you that she had been in my room?"
I nodded and went slowly to the window, watching the students outside.
He jumped off the table and walked right behind me. But this time he didn't touch me.
"Can I come closer?" He asked. It seemed that he had learned that he couldn't act selfish all the time, even if I liked it afterwards.
"Yes," I whispered and felt his face nuzzling my hair and neck.
"You smell so good Bella. I wish I could capture your scent."
I heard the smiling in his words.
Hesitantly he circled my waist and I adjusted my body to his.
"Bella, there's a proposition I want to make."
After he was finished all I could do was counting the rapid beatings of my heart.
A/N: What I meant was, that I appreciate all reviews - I really do. Because it's so nice that some people actually like my story :). But on the other side it would be so interesting to read what you really think about special things in the story. So I can get another perspective. But enough of that...