Dear Connor,
Jesus Christ, I don't even know where to begin. I don't think I could describe how I'm feeling right now.
Like shit. That's the closest I can get.
You were right – then again, you were always right – we went too fast. And I know that's my fault for pushing too hard. I was too impatient for this. I've always been too impatient, and you're the only one who's ever been able to tolerate me for that.
It was so surreal, you know, the moment you got hit. I couldn't believe it, because you're Connor fucking MacManus, and you're supposed to be fucking invincible. I mean, you always have been.
Like in seventh grade, when you saved me from getting the shit kicked out of me by that gang.
Or that car crash, junior year, that you walked away from without so much as a scratch on you.
Or every fucking time since then we've ever done anything dangerous – you've always come out on top.
I could blame myself, you know – the bullet that hit you was the one that missed me. But I know you wouldn't want me to do that – I can just imagine you lecturing me, like you do every time I do something stupid.
Like get in fights with gangs or crash the car.
Yea, I get into some really dumb shit don't I? But you've always been there to bail me out, and then go out for shots after. Jesus, who am I gonna drink with now?
I find myself doubting, Connor, and I know I can't do that. I mean, what we do, it's all in the name of God, and I know we're doing right. But still. You see, I didn't really tell you, but I've been having these doubts for a while now. I mean, Rocco, and now you.
If what we're doing is all for God, then how could He just take you away from me like that?
That sounds selfish. But it's for you, too. You had the greatest heart of anybody I have ever met, like it's made of pure gold. You didn't deserve a death like that. Jesus, you're a better person than most of the people in Boston together, myself included.
Holy shit, what am I gonna tell Ma and Da?
I swear, Connor, I am going to find every last mother fucker involved and make them pay for this. I owe you that, and much, much more, for every time you've saved my life.
I'm not sure I know how to be just Murphy. I mean, it's always been 'Connor and Murphy'. You're more than my brother, much more than my twin, you're a part of me. A big part, judging by the sizable hole your death life in me.
Your death. Jesus, those are strange words. I can't even… fuck, I smudged the words. I don't even remember the last time I cried, Connor. No… Rocco. That was it. And that was over a year ago… God, now I just can't stop.
Rocco's gone, now you're gone, and it's just me.
It's funny… you're still the only one I could ever talk to about something like this. I mean, I could bring this up with anyone else, and they'd spout something like you'll always be with me in my heart, or that you're in a better place, or some other cliché shit like that. I mean, I know that, I guess. It's just not the point. It's different.
I stayed with Smecker, that night, just because he wanted to make sure I was okay. I was still numb then. But then I went home, and it really hit me. Our tiny little apartment seems so fucking huge now.
Remember, that morning, you chewed me out for not making my bed, and leaving everything all over the place? Yours is still one hundred percent perfect. Just seeing those hospital corners made me break down.
I miss you, Connor. You're the closest person I've ever had, my brother, my twin, my best friend.
I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have to live without you… I'll have to find out who Murphy is outside of 'the MacManus brothers'. That scares me, Connor. That scares me more than anything we've ever been up against.
I don't think I can do it, Connor. I don't think I can walk into church tomorrow and openly accept that you're gone, and that you're not coming back. I have to, but I just… can't.
I love you, Connor, more than anything in the fucking world.
Murphy
Just gonna throw it out there... I cried while I was writing this.