All the way back to Phil and Dan's flat, Phil puts his arm around my waist and gives me his jacket. I can smell him on my jacket and I pull it even tighter around me, as if he was holding me twice at the exact same time. I felt utterly shaken up and down hearted after the panic attack, I always did, but this time it wasn't half as bad. The worst part was feeling embarrassed, it was like I had awoken from a terrifying nightmare and having Phil Lester watching you have a panic attack in the middle of London, was completely out of the blue.
"How are you feeling now?" he asks, squeezing my shoulder a little in support, "much better thanks. Look, I'm really sorry about that. I didn't give you any warning and just…" "No, Jess its fine. Trust me, I think everyone has had one of those moments. I'm just glad that I was there and found you before you had gotten really bad." He interrupts me and I know from the tone of his voice that he really means it. "Don't worry, we'll just have a nice quiet night in, get some pizza or something." Dan says, giving me a reassuring smile, "okay, that die sound really nice actually."
Once we got back to the flat, I took a long shower, so that I could relax and warm up. I look around the bathroom, whilst my hair soaks through. Looking at the boy's shower gel and I wonder just how many women visit their flat and take a shower here. I wasn't trying to feel big headed, but I soon realise that I was probably one of the few that did and surely counted for something. I get changed into an old jumper with jeggings afterwards, I pull my damp hair into a high ponytail and surprising myself at feeling brave enough not to wear any makeup.
After I had hung my towel on the stairs, I joined Dan on the sofa, who's looking at a menu for a pizza place, "what would you like to eat Jess? Phil and I are boring and we just go for the same thing every time. But seeing as this is your first time ordering pizza with us?" "Oh, I'm really bad at ordering. I always take forever to choose." "Do you trust my taste?" "Sure, you pick for me. Where's Phil?" I ask, as Dan finishes the order and put the laptop on the floor next to his feet and his face immediately drops when I ask him.
"Oh, he's in his room." He says slowly and I automatically get the picture that something is wrong. "Is he okay?" "Well, he does this sometimes, when something bad happens he tends to blame himself for it and he goes and sulks in his room." "Oh…right." I say with an incredible amount of guilt that I was the one that had caused Phil's unhappiness. "Should I go talk to him?" I offer, wanting to make things right. "If you feel brave enough, then sure, go for it." So I get up and walk slowly to his closed door, I wait a few seconds and then knock. He doesn't answer, so I knock again, half knowing that I should just leave him but I desperately wanted to see him.
"Phil, it's me." I say talking into the door, "can I come in?" Still no answer, but I wait anyway, "okay." He replies, taking me by surprise. I carefully open the door, as if something is going to jump out at me. I find him lying on his bed, with his eyes close, "Phil, you shouldn't feel bad about what happened. It wasn't your fault." I say, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"But if I had stayed with you and had seen that you were anxious then I could have helped or been with you." "It's okay. You didn't know and there was no way you could have known." Seeing no response from him, I moved a little closer to him, "Phil, please. Honestly blaming yourself isn't going to help at all. In fact, it's only going to make things worse. Let's just move on…please."
There's silence as my words finish and it's so quiet that I can hear his breathing. He opens his eyes and moves to sit next to me, "you're right Jess. I'm sorry, I'm not helping." "It's okay, I don't want you feeling like you're to blame. Can we just move on?" "Yes, yes of course we can." He turns to look at me and I feel my heart to a little skip as our eyes meet.
I feel his breath on my neck before I realise that he's moving in, his eyes were closed and his hands held the back of my head. I lean in too, shaking ever-so-slightly, but this feeling made my adrenaline race around my body. Our lips met and an explosion of fireworks and the heat had hit me, nearly knocking me back. We continue to kiss, slowly but gently, our bodies closer than ever before.
But then he sits back and all of a sudden reality set back in with an almighty crash. His eyes had lit up with some terror and shock and he stood up. Looking like I have just died, "what?" I say, about to throw up. He shakes his head, looking more and more horrified with every shake, "I…I. I have a girlfriend."