Chapter 10

HE'S NOT PREGNANT!

At the Blue Base, Emil, Genis and Volt waited outside, listening to the sounds coming from in the Base.

"Oh God, I think it's coming back up." Lloyd groaned before letting out an almighty retching noise.

Mithos poked his head out of the main door, an electronic medical pad in one hand. Tenebrae had taken to appearing as a small hologram, hovering right beside Mithos' head. "Okay, everybody." he called out. "I'm gonna give Irving his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?"

"That's just a fancy way of saying 'Hold the vomit bucket'." Tenebrae snickered.

Emil backed further away from the door. "Uh, sorry, I'm busy."

"Sage?" Mithos asked.

"I can't." the silver-haired soldier replied.

"Well, why not?"

"Oh, because uh, I'm allergic to things that I don't want to do." Genis then turned away and started coughing.

"Okay, just more fun for me." Mithos chuckled.

Some distance away, from the cover of some boulders, Kratos watched through the sniper scope as Mithos ducked back into the Base. "Well, you won't believe this." he reported to his privates. "It looks like the Blues have teamed up with Tenebrae, those dirty backstabbers!"

"Our enemies teamed up with our enemy." Zelos muttered. "How is that a backstab?"

"Exactly! No-good two-timers." Kratos scowled. "Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translator thing so we can figure out what Aska is saying."

"No mas va estar decepcionado." (You're just going to be disappointed.) Aska warned.

"I agree, Aska." Kratos replied. "Time is of the essence."

"¿Por qué estás contestando si usted no sabe qué estoy diciendo?" (Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?)

"Good one, amigo."

"Dios mío, por favor alguien mata me." (Oh God, someone please kill me.)

Kratos glanced round through the scope until he spotted Volt. "I see the bomb." he informed his team. "He's right next to Sage."

"Which one is Sage again? I get confused." Zelos cut in. "Is he the stupid mean one, the stupid annoying one, or the stupid stupid one?"

"Stupid stupid." Sheena replied.

"Oh yeah, right." Zelos murmured. "What an idiot."

"Yeah totally." Sheena agreed pointedly.

"Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious," Presea chipped in, "but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why don't we just shoot 'em?"

"Shame on you, Presea!" Kratos scolded. "A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill your enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners, like 'I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!'"

"Oh my God." Zelos groaned.

"Or my personal favorite, 'Blame your fate.' Heh heh heh, classic."

"Lo significo, deseo morir." (I mean it, I want to die. )Aska whined.

"Hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes." Kratos continued. "It hearkens back to the honored traditions when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says we're all equals as men, except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and you're dead. Of course, dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is also totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there's just not enough time in this busy world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling."

"See? That right there is why society is going downhill." Zelos cried out. "Everyone's in such a hurry these days-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get the point, wasting time." Sheena interrupted. "Okay, what's the plan?"

"You guys stay here." Kratos commanded, grabbing the remains of his robot. "I'm gonna head up there with Aska and get that device." As he set off, he chuckled again. "Get it, Aska? Head up there… Score two for Kratos, ding ding."

"Dios mío."

Down at the Blue Base, Mithos came out the main door, still carrying the medical pad, and met up with Emil, Genis and Volt. "Hey guys, I figured out what's wrong."

"What is it, Yggy?" Emil asked concerned.

"You're not gonna like the diagnosis." Mithos warned.

"Which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful." Tenebrae snickered in his holographic form.

"Just tell us." Emil replied. "We can take it."

Mithos drew in a breath. "Your friend is-"

"Dying? Oh no!" Genis cried out.

"No, he's not dying, he just has-"

"No chance to live, I knew it!"

Emil pulled his handgun and put it to Genis' head. "Sage, one more interruption outta you and he's gonna have two patients!" Genis quickly got the message.

"How do I say this?" Mithos muttered, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand. "Your friend is…"

"..."

"..."

"...Why are you pausing?" Emil asked. "Sage is not gonna interrupt you this time."

"No, that was just for dramatic effect." Mithos said. "He's pregnant."

"Oh good." Genis sighed in relief then he shook his head in bafflement. "Wait, what?"

"Hehehehe, preggers." Tenebrae laughed.

Emil was silent for a moment then spoke up. "Alright, are we paying for this service? Because if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway."

"No it's true." Mithos assured. "We found two heartbeats, so unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant… I think."

"How is that a logical explanation?!" Emil then turned on Genis and Volt. "Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do!"

"Hey, don't look at me." Volt retorted. "Irving's not my type."

"Me neither, dude." Genis added. "And uh, maybe we should um have Yggy explain, uh just how… babies are made, y'know uh in case someone in the group, uhh may not exactly know how that happens."

"Oh my God." Emil groaned. "Sage, shut up. Volt, blow up. Yggy, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Lloyd."

But Tenebrae appeared in front of Emil. "Whoa, hold on. You said we had to tell you what was wrong. You didn't say we had to be right, or that we had to fix him, you fool! Hahahaaa, read the fine print, classic blunder!"

"First of all, I am right." Mithos said, "And we are going to help him."

"What?" Emil and Tenebrae said at the same time.

"Look, no one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this or how to help him, but with heart and true determination, we can get him through this!"

Emil just pinched the bridge of his nose before responding, "Yeah, we don't want heart and determination, Yggy. What we want is a degree, from an accredited medical institution."

"Yeah, or four years equivalent work experience." Volt added.

Mithos let out a sigh. "Come see for yourself."

"Fine." Emil muttered.

But Genis stood back. "Uh, I think I need to stay here and guard…" He glanced around for a bit before his eyes fell upon a large boulder. "This rock, from Irving, because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started."

"Alright, what's wrong?" Emil asked worryingly. "You seem nervous."

"What if Irving's contagious?" Genis yelled. "I'm not catching pregnancy!"

"Hey, no-one is pregnant." Emil yelled then he sighed. "And seriously, Sage, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk. There's a book I've got that we can read together."

Genis nodded earnestly. "I'd like that."

"Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics." Tenebrae added as they all walked away. "Let me get you started: there are three holes, hahahahaaaaa!"

"Oh gross!" Mithos grimaced.

"I meant in the bowling ball."

As Emil followed Mithos/Tenebrae into the Base, Genis kept an eye on the boulder, unaware of Kratos and Aska sneaking up on them from the other direction.

"Hey Genis, level with me, pal." Volt called up. "I don't really look like a bowling ball, do I?"

"No, Volt, you're not really that fat." Genis replied, still looking at the boulder.

"Because I've been working out, you know." Volt continued. "Dumbbells, pushups, crunches-"

But then, Kratos swooped in and snatched the bomb away, leaving Aska in his place. "Yoink!"

"Volt?" Genis turned round and stared in amazement. "What the hell?"

"Rapido, antes de les que se vuelvan. Cave un agujero y entiérreme, por favor." (Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me, please.) Aska shouted.

Genis let out a gasp. "Volt, you turned into a real boy!"

Meanwhile, Kratos ran back to his team and placed Volt on the ground. "See boys? Now that's how you run a successful op; in and out like well-lubricated lightning."

"Where's Aska?" Sheena asked.

"I pulled the old switcharoo." Kratos explained with a chuckle. "Aska was the same size and shape as this feller, so I just swapped him out, just like Indiana Jones would've done." He knelt down and patted Volt very gently. "They'll never even know he was missing. Thank God he's a little lighter than the last time we saw him."

"Finally, somebody noticed." Volt yelled out gratefully. "Do you know how hard it is to maintain this figure?"

Zelos stared at Volt then at Kratos. "You swapped Aska… for the bomb. Permission to speak insultingly, Sir?"

"Permission denied." Kratos retorted. "You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first." He then rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Now let's translate. Where's Aska?" He glanced around before suddenly remembering. "Ah fuck, I'll be right back."

He ran out again, looking for something to switch Aska with then he spotted the old skull lying nearby so he picked it up and made his way back to Genis.

"Now you see, Volt." Genis was telling Aska. "Now we can go fishing and you don't have to be the bait anymore, and we can go hiking, and we can go camping and you don't have to be the fire anymore, and we can go riding together, and now we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together."

"Hey, Sage!" Kratos called out from behind the boulder. "You hear something behind you!"

"I do?" Genis muttered as he looked round behind him. "I wonder what's causing it."

And while Genis was distracted, Kratos dived in, grabbed Aska and left the skull in his place. "Double yoink!"

"Volt?" Genis looked round and stared in horror. "Oh, my GOD! Volt! You're dead!"

He fell to his knees and pulled the skull close to him. "How did this happen?" he sobbed. "You were so young! It's all my fault; I should have seen the warning signs! I didn't even know you were smoking! It worked so fast!"

He hugged the skull to his chest. "You had so much to do, so much exploding to do! Oh God, who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without explosions!"

He then lowered his head and burst into tears. "My God, why? Oh, Volt…"

As this was happening, in Blue Base, Emil stood over the bed where Lloyd was lying, his stomach slightly more bloated than before, and Mithos quickly went over his diagnosis once more.

"Ugh... I don't believe this." Emil sighed.

"It's true, your friend Irving is pregnant." Mithos then took out his medical scanner. "See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy."

"I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds." Emil recalled.

"Yeah, also that."

"And infectious diseases."

"Yeah, it lights up green for just about everything." Mithos agreed. "It takes a while to figure out the difference." He then held up the device and did a scan of Emil. "Like, this green indicates a high level of anger stemming from repressed feelings of inadequacy."

"If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it." Emil scowled.

Mithos then lowered the device to scan Emil's crotch. "And this green means impotency." He looked again. "Oops, actually that green causes impotency." he quickly put it away on his side holster. "My bad."

"Oh, that's okay." Emil muttered. "I wasn't using it anyway."

"See, these tools can be confusing sometimes." Mithos continued. "That's why doctors have to go to medical school for so long... not that I'm actually a doctor, mind you."

"And that has never been more apparent than with this diagnosis." Emil agreed.

"Urgh, what diagnosis?" Lloyd groaned, sitting up on the bed.

"Well dude," Mithos said. "You're pregnant."

"Huahahaha, yes, with child." Tenebrae chortled.

"It's not mine." Lloyd yelped. "I wasn't even in town that weekend."

"Lloyd, don't listen to him." Emil warned. "He's a lunatic man, he's got no idea what he's talkin' about."

Mithos sighed as he reached for the scanner again. "You want me to go over the green light thing again?"

Just then, Genis came running into the ward, clutching something to his chest. "Yggy, help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sage." Emil interrupted. "What happened, who's dead?"

"Volt." Genis sniffed. "Volt's dead, look." He held out his hands to show the bleached skull Kratos switched for Aska.

"Okay, that's disgusting." Emil grimaced.

"Dr. Yggy, please help him." Genis pleaded.

"Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him." Mithos admitted. "My first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition."

Emil took the skull out of Genis' hands and examined it. "Where did you get this?"

"First Irving dies and now Volt!" Genis sobbed.

"Irving isn't dead, he's pregnant." Mithos reassured.

"It's not mine!" Lloyd insisted. "We weren't even going steady!"

"Stop that." Emil snapped.

"Hey, look man, I've been saying that for a long time. It's gonna take a little while to get used to this."

"You're not pregnant."

Genis then spoke up. "I was just standing outside the Base and someone told me to turn around and when I did, Volt-"

"Whoa, wait." Emil cut in. "Who told you to turn around?"

"I don't know!" Genis wailed. "But they were very helpful."

"And let me guess, when you turned back around, Volt was gone."

"Yes." Genis whimpered, grabbing the skull again. "He was… gone."

Emil sighed and grabbed his sniper rifle. "Everybody stay here, I'll be right back."

"Wait." Mithos called out. "What do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?"

"It's not mine!" Lloyd yelled.

"He is not pregnant." Emil shouted.

"And what about Volt?" Genis added.

"And that's not Volt!" Emil yelled, running out. "Look, just stay here."

But seconds after Emil left, Lloyd suddenly let out his loudest groan of pain yet. "ARRRRRGGH, would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?"

"Oh man." Mithos gulped. "Sage, better go boil some water."

"How can you think of soup at a time like this?" Genis snapped.

Outside, behind the boulders, Kratos came back with Aska and requested the robot to replay his message from Command, allowing Volt to listen and translate.

"Here are your orders for winning the war: Eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing. And please win, thank you."

The Reds were silent for a moment then Zelos spoke up. "That... was totally, totally lame, and not at all surprising which is also totally, totally lame."

"I don't know 'bout that, Zelos." Sheena argued thoughtfully. "I think there was actually some valuable tactical information in there, right Sarge?"

"Sheena, have you lost your last marble?" Kratos raised an eyebrow. "That was pure nonsense!"

"Oh, that's what I meant." Sheena corrected sheepishly.

"Eliminate the enemy, what the hell kinda plan is that?" Kratos cried. "I think Command has lost it."

"Lost it?" Zelos spluttered. "When did they have it?"

Presea meanwhile was looking out at the Blue Base. "Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now!"

Zelos looked round to see Emil approaching. "Hey, let's eliminate him! Then we'll have one less thing in the to-do list!"

"Oh, I'm just so depressed." Kratos sighed, slumping down on one of the smaller rocks. "I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass… Jackass, I'll kill ya."

"Nah, I don't think eliminating him is gonna be easy." Presea muttered. "It looks like he's bringing his tank with him."

Sheena went next to Presea to have a look. "What're you talking about, Presea? The tank isn't coming out here. Look, it's not even moving."

"Yes it is." Presea insisted as he pointed. "Look."

Zelos went over to Kratos and sat down next to him. "Hey Sarge, cheer up. I've known Command was stupid all along. It can be hard at first but you'll get used to it."

"Just leave me alone." Kratos sobbed.

"Presea, I am looking." Sheena retorted. "If it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger."

"It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!" Presea argued.

"What tree, there aren't any trees out here!"

"You wanna call me an idiot?" Zelos egged on, placing an arm round his leader's shoulders. "That always makes you feel better."

"Oh, shut up, moron." Kratos scowled, pushing Zelos's arm away.

"Heh, feels better, right?" Zelos chuckled.

"Yeah, I guess a little." Kratos admitted.

"Nope, not moving." Sheena decided.

"Yes it is!" Presea shouted. "See, look closer!"

Seconds later, there was a loud booming roar and suddenly one of the boulders behind them disintegrated in a huge explosion.

"Okay, you're right." Sheena gulped. "It's coming this way."

"HAUL ASS!" Presea screamed.

Kratos and Zelos leapt to their feet and gasped as they saw Luna drawing closer.

"OH SHIT!" Zelos yelped.

"RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!" Kratos bellowed.

And run they did! They tore across the canyon like cheetahs on a treadmill, yelping and cursing as Luna fired round after round at them, until they reached a large boulder on the side of the canyon and ran behind it.

"Regroup men!" Kratos yelled. "Wilder, start passing out additional ammo."

"Uhhhhh..."

Kratos then turned to his pet private. "Sheena, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Wilder would forget."

"Already on it, Sir." Sheena said, handing ammo to everyone.

"Return fire! I'll call for reinforcements." Kratos then activated his earpiece radio. "Come in, Command, come in!"

"Hey dude, come in." Botta Jr.'s voice called out as Luna opened fire again. "Hey, what's going on? That's sounds like fun."

"Botta, we need help." Kratos yelled. "Sheena, get busy negotiating a surrender."

"Okay." Sheena nodded. "How 'bout we give them our base?"

"Oh, good idea!" Zelos agreed. "We could live in the caves!"

"We could let them kill Zelos!" Presea added.

"Sheena, you're supposed to negotiate their surrender, not ours!" Kratos yelled. "Botta, are you still there?"

With great fear, Sheena, Zelos and Presea poked their heads over their boulder to see Emil and Luna waiting for them.

"Hey, Blues- Uh, I mean, Blue." Sheena yelled. "We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender!"

Emil looked baffled. "Surrender? Why would I-" But then Luna fired at the Reds again. "Hey, hold on a second, Luna." he hissed. "Why would I surrender?"

The Red privates whispered among each other before Sheena yelled out, "Uh, because you're outnumbered!"

"Bullshit, dude! I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!"

The Reds whispered some more then Sheena called out, "We also think that it's your turn to surrender!"

"WHAT?!"

"Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and then you gave us Yggy, and then we surrendered, and we gave you the jeep. Now that means-"

"Luna, shut her up." Emil ordered.

Luna fired again, hitting the wall behind Sheena and sending stone fragments flying.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sheena yelped as she and Zelos ducked down.

"Is that a no?" Presea called out meekly.

"Okay look guys." Emil shouted. "I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our Base right now. So I really, really, really, don't have time for this horseshit right now!"

The Reds stared at each other for a second then Zelos called out, "Wait, what was that part about the pregnant guy?"

"HE'S NOT PREGNANT!" Emil yelled. "That's impossible."

"Yeah, unless the alien impregnated him." Volt agreed. "That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Uh, but you already know that, right?"

"What? NO!" Emil screamed. "Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!"

"Uhh, I mean uh, alien baby? Uh, that's shocking." Volt quickly said. "I am shocked!"

Just then, Genis's voice called out on Emil's radio. "Come in, Castagnier, come in."

"Sage, what did I tell you man?" Emil yelled as he answered the radio. "You're not supposed to use the radio while Tenebrae's here! Oh, great, now I'm on the radio too."

"Yeah, that's kinda why I'm calling you, dude." Genis murmured nervously. "Um, the Reds already used their radio and uh, Tenebrae's gone."

"Oh my God." Emil put his hand to his forehead in pure anger and annoyance

"That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry!" Kratos called out. "As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!"

Suddenly from the radio, Emil could hear Lloyd let out loud painful groans and taking breaths in between then Mithos shouted, "Congratulations, it's a… alien, ugh."

"Honk, honk, blarg, blarg!"

Emil's jaw dropped. "What... the hell... was that?"

"Oh yeah, that's the other thing I called about." Genis murmured. "Um, Irving had his gross baby."

"It's not mine!"

"He is not PREGNANT!" Emil screamed before turning off his radio, his patience gone. "Luna, stay here. If anybody moves, shoot them."

As Emil ran back to his Base, Presea peeked out from behind the boulder. "A baby?" she called out, dashing out from cover. "Wait up, I wanna see!"

"Presea, get back here!" Kratos bellowed. "Wait for the ship!"

Presea stopped in the middle of the canyon and whirled round. "But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here." she called out. "It's coming all the way from Tethe'alla HQ. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!"

Suddenly a huge airship dropped out of the sky and crashed in the middle of the canyon, right on top of Presea.

Sheena looked out as a cloud of dust flew up. "Ship's here."

"Shotgun!" Zelos added.

SO ENDS ANOTHER SEASON. WITH OUR FAVORITE PINK- I MEAN LIGHTISH-RED - PRIVATE HIT BY A SHIP. WELL DAMN. ANYWAY, THIS PART IS DONE, AND BEFORE PART 5 STARTS, THE BADASS MEAN GIRL OF THE GROUP GETS HER OWN SHORT STORY. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR MARTA'S ADVENTURES. YES I KNOW THIS WAS SHORT, I JUST DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY... SO YEAH, HASTA LUEGO... cockbite