Chapter 8
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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Before she had even realized it, Christmas had rolled around. It was December 22nd, and she was alarmed at the fact that she still hadn't found anything for Jess. She had considered getting him the Hemmingway complete collection, but it seemed too impersonal. Then it hit her, she would get him the collection and add her notes in the margin, which would show to him that a) she had read them, and b) that she cared enough about him to comment on Ernest and actually finish reading his books. So while she was back in Stars Hollow visiting her mom, with Jess, she had picked them up. When she saw her mom and Jess walking together towards the book store she couldn't help but smile as she thought back to the night where she "introduced" her mother to her boyfriend.
"Roryy" Lorelai practically screeched as she ran across the lawn and embraced her smiling daughter as they tumbled sideways and fell into a pile of leaves. She blew a leave off of her face and laughed loudly as they realized that all of their reunions always ended up with the two of them laughing and on the ground. Rory helped her mother up off of the ground and dusted off her pants. Lorelai could tell that Rory was nervous, but she wasn't sure why.
"Hey Rore, you seem nervous, what's up? Did you commit murder on your way to see me? Because you know that you can only Bonnie and Clyde it up when I'm with you, right?" Rory just rolled her eyes and shifted her weight from one foot to another, avoiding looking her mother in the eyes.
"Mom, you know I love you right, and you love me? No matter what?" Lorelai looked at her as if she had spurted another head and nodded, confused beyond belief.
"Is Luke here?" Rory asked randomly, looking past her mother towards the house.
"Can you go get him? Please? I need to tell the two of you something" Lorelai just nodded and Rory followed her mother into the house and waited in the kitchen while Lorelai headed upstairs to get Luke. The two of them came down about five minutes later and they all sat at the table in the kitchen, waiting for someone to speak.
"Okay right, I need to tell you something. I don't know how you're going to react so I need you to brace yourself okay? I mean, its going to be unexpected and you're going to freak out and ask me if I'm crazy and Luke you're probably going to be mad and—" she was cut off by the sound of a door opening and closing in the foyer, she froze and her eyes widened, totally forgetting that she had told Jess to meet her at her mothers house, and to let himself in, around 6. She had originally planned on meeting her mother and Luke for dinner at the Dragonfly, but she had overslept and had gotten to Stars Hollow late, so she hadn't told them about the relationship yet. She felt like smacking herself in the head for forgetting to call him after she had woken up that morning, but it was too late now.
"In the kitchen" she yelled back, closing her eyes and sighing as she waited for the accusations to start.
"Rory, what.." her mother started, but was cut off when she saw Jess Mariano walk into her kitchen carrying what looked to be the fattest cat on earth, the sight alone made her want to erupt in giggles. She looked over at Luke and saw that he looked even more shocked than she did, and his gaze was directly focused on the cat.
"Mom, meet my boyfriend Jess. Jess, meet my mother Lorelai and my soon to be step-father Luke Danes"
"Nice to meet you Lorelai" he said with a nod, "and you too Mr. Danes"
The whole room suddenly went quiet, not a sound was uttered until the cat in Jess' hands meowed loudly, causing everyone in the entire room to crack up, clutching their sides as they laughed so hard that they started to cry, well everyone except Jess and Luke anyway. They were avoiding each others eyes, obviously feeling very awkward since the last time they had encountered each other, they had one of those tender "I love you but there is no way I'm going to say it out loud" moments. Jess coughed and gestured to the cat in his arms.
"This is Dodger, he is…well…a cat?" He didn't really know what to say, it was really awkward to be around Lorelai and Luke, especially since he knew them especially well.
"Well" Lorelai said, looking him in the eye. "I definitely didn't except to see you again."
"Not that it's a bad thing." she said quickly as she saw his face fall ever so slightly. He must not have been perfecting his poker face lately if he wore his emotions on his sleeve like that. She actually considered the notion that maybe he had changed, but she wasn't so sure. She opened her mouth to say something else but before she could, Rory had thrust a book in her hand and told her to open it up to page 67.
AN: the excerpt from Jess' novel in the flashback will be in bold.
"For some reason that I've never been able to comprehend, Lucinda Victoria Hayden, mother of one Lucinda Leigh Hayden the third, invited my Uncle Duke to dinner at her house, and extended the invitation to me. When I think about it, it was her kindness that resulted in me meeting Lucy, which resulted in changing my world forever. I know I've never told Lucinda how much I appreciated her invitation, because at that point in my life I wasn't ready to accept an adult trying to tell me what to do.
The night started off very uncomfortable, it was the first night I had ever met Lucy. She was just sitting there, in her school uniform, doing homework or something. I had never seen anyone like her, she was so different than the girls that went to my old high school (when I actually attended) and she was so smart, you could tell by looking around her room. Well, I could tell since she had a copy of Proust open on her bed, and dumb girls wouldn't be reading, or attempting to read, Proust. When I went into her room I noticed right away that Lucy was meant for bigger things than Stars Hollow could offer her, I think everyone did. It was her presence when you were around her, it just made you want to go out into the world and make an honest living, to be something that people knew you couldn't be, not on your own.
I still find it vaguely funny that the first time I met her; I stole one of her books. It wasn't funny that I stole from her; it was the book that I stole, Howl. A book she must have been reading at the time, and she offered to let me read it. I told her I didn't read much, which couldn't be any farther than the truth. Growing up on the streets, you had one of two choices. You could hang out at the book store or you could hang out behind the school and get stoned with all of the other kids. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to tell you that I never smoked with them, because I did, but I preferred hanging out in the library to getting stoned out behind the school. But anyway, later on, when I returned the book to her, with my own personal comments scribbled into the margins, she called me Dodger, assuming that I wouldn't get the reference. The one thing Lucy hadn't counted on, was that I did read, a lot, and would know what she meant, the look on her face when I told her that Dodger was a character from Oliver Twist? Hilarious.
But getting back to that night, I basically made a complete ass of myself in front of her mother, which was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life, which I still regret to this day. Lucinda had invited me into her home, and I had taken advantage of it, grabbing one of the beer's out of the fridge and taking it outside to drink, where I thought she wouldn't find me. Unfortunately for me, she did find me, and she was not pleased. We got into a fight and after that night, she didn't really like me, hated me even. Every time she could find the opportunity, she would remind Lucy, and my Uncle Duke that I was 'no good', and she wasn't wrong. I wasn't good for her daughter, I probably never will be, and that's partially why I left her.
I know, this is the part where everyone reading wants to kick me. Yes, I got the girl, and what did I do? Yep, that's right, I ran. Her mother had almost accepted me at that point, things were getting so much better, but in that one moment I had ruined everything with her once again, and I have no one to blame but myself, even though there are many other people that I could blame. I will never tell Lucinda this, but about a month ago I actually saw her in Hartford with her then husband Alexander Hayden. To be completely honest, I was very shocked that she hadn't ended up with my uncle. They had been engaged for awhile but for some reason, which I never actually found out until my mother, now sober, had called and told me that I wouldn't need to come down for the wedding after all. Something about an illegitimate daughter and a breakup, and that was all I was told. Somewhere inside I regretted the fact that I would never see my Uncle Duke let Lucinda make him as happy as Lucy had made me, but I pushed it to the back of my mind along with all of my other thoughts about Lucy and her mother, better reserved for another time.
But now I've gone off topic. Anyway, Lucinda didn't see me, but I couldn't help but noticed the wedding rings that adorned their fingers. When she came outside to greet them, I felt my heart freeze in my chest. There she was, the girl that had been cluttering up my heart for years, within my grasp, but not really. She was with him, Darren Shawartzebeger, (see chapter 5), and Lucinda looked at him as if she was the son she had never gotten but had always wanted, and that's when I knew it. I knew that no matter how successful I may get, and no matter how I change, in Lucinda's eyes, I would never be good enough for her Lucy, the damage couldn't be undone."
When Lorelai finished reading the excerpt she looked up at Jess with tears in her eyes, and was unable to form a sentence. Rory gaped at her boyfriend in shock, the first person on the face of the earth who had rendered a Gilmore girl speechless. She watched her mother attempt to form a coherent sentence as Luke read the pages that Lorelai still held in her hands.
"I forgive you" she randomly blurted out, staring at him in the face. He looked confused, and she continued on.
"I forgive you for stealing my beer, and I forgive you for breaking my daughters arm"
"It was a hairline fracture" Rory muttered.
"…and I forgive
you for leaving her, only because you came back" she said quietly,
"but if you leave again, I wont be so forgiving, Do we have an
understanding?" "Yes ma'am" he said sarcastically, but
still remaining serious so that she knew that he meant what he was
saying".
"Good, and by the
way, you are good enough" she stood up, a grin on her face, "now
who wants Thai?" Luke and Jess just groaned, both muttering
comments about having to burn the place down afterwards as both
Gilmore girl's poured over the menus in front of them, trying to
decide what to order.
"Hey" Jess said as he sidled up to her, planting a kiss on her forehead. She smiled up at him and hid the bag behind her back as she had caught him trying to sneak a peak at it,
"Nuhuh, no looking Jess. I want it to be a surprise, and you know how angry I would be if you tried to peak again, right?" she said, pouting slightly. He sighed, she knew he wouldn't be able to resist the pout, and pulled back a little, allowing her to rest her forehead on his shoulder. She sighed contentedly as they headed out of the store. Lorelai had gone to go get the movie rentals so it was just the two of them as they walked back towards the Gilmore house. She interlocked their fingers together as they continued walking towards the house. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she almost fell down when Jess abruptly stopped walking. She caught herself and looked up at Jess, wondering why he had stopped walking. His eyes were cold, fixing a glare towards the front of her house. She turned in the direction and froze as her eyes fixed on the person sitting on her porch.
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Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
I'm still standing here
and you're miles away
and I wonder why you left
and there's a storm that's raging
through my frozen heart tonight
It was un-fucking-believable that his parents had told the doctors not to release him until after Christmas. They claimed that all of the "festiveness" would interfere with his recovery. He just rolled his eyes and looked over at the calendar on the wall, it was the 22nd of December, three days before Christmas, and his parents hadn't came to see him once in over a month. They had decided that after his suicide attempt, their words not his, he needed to spend some time in rehab. So that's where he was, for Christmas.
Un-fucking-believable.
I hear your name in certain circles
and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinking about you
and its almost driving me wild
but its my heart thats breaking
down this long distance line tonight
and I ain't missing you at all
since youve been gone away
I ain't missing you
no matter what I might say
theres a message in the wires
and i'm sending you a signal tonight
you dont know how desperate i've become
and it looks like i'm losing this fight
but its my heart thats breaking
down this long dusty road of mine
and I ain't missing you at all
since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
no matter what my friend say
He knew that they just didn't want him around any of their society parties, he wasn't naïve. Shira probably thought that his presence would ruin any gathering she decided to throw, that he would embarrass her somehow. If he did go to one of their parties, he wouldn't even talk to those 'friends' of hers, let alone tell them personal information about the Huntzberger family.
Even Colin and Steph had stopped coming by to visit him. After he had snapped at the two of them for the twentieth time, Steph had basically asked him whether or not he even wanted them there, and in a fit of anger he had said no. They hadn't been back since. Finn still came back once in awhile, with his girlfriend Raine. The two of them had recently gotten serious, and the girl was pretty nice, and obviously a red head. She kept him grounded, and sober, so she was okay in his books. The two of them tried to come at least once a week, but there schedules were really busy so sometimes they just didn't have the time, and they only ever seemed to come together, Finn never actually came by himself. Logan assumed it was because he could have very well ended up in a place like this had his alcoholism continued the way it had been before they had graduated, either that or he wouldn't have gotten alcohol poisoning or liver disease, something of the sort.
and there's a message that I'm sending out
like a telegraph to your soul
I cant bridge this distance
cant start those heartache
She hadn't visited either, not once. He had left her messages at her mother's house, but no one had ever called back. Finn had said that he had left her a message on her cell phone the night of the incident and she had never called him back then either, not even a text message. It hurt him to think that she didn't even care if he lived or died, was she that involved with Jess, he sneered as he thought of his name, that she didn't care about him at all anymore? Somewhere deep down he didn't think that she didn't care about him anymore, he thought that deep down inside of her there must have been some part of her that cared about him, they had been together for almost three years, that had to mean something, right?
Oh lord I ain't missing you at all
since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
no matter what my friends say
It wasn't that he missed her, because he didn't. It was just that they had always been friends, even before they had started dating. So as a friend, she should have been there for him, or at least called. It wasn't as if he had broke her heart, he had proposed and she had rejected him, if anyone had the right to be mad it was him, it was all her fault that they were no longer together. For a long time he had tried to hate her, tried so hard that it had nearly killed him, but no matter what he did he could never get her face out of his mind. That was the shitty thing about being in love with someone; it wasn't just something you could get over, no matter how hard you might try. He felt yet another fit of angry rage and picked up the glass of water on his bedside table and threw it at the wall, feeling better as it smashed into a thousand pieces.
At least now I'm not the only thing that's broken, he thought, as he stared at the shards of glass on the floor.
I ain't missing you at all
since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
no matter what your friends say
He still loved her, and if he still loved her after everything she did to him, how could she not be in love with him? With his newfound revelation in mind, he stumbled out of the bed, surprised by how weak he was after barley moving everyday for the past trhee weeks. He went over to the closet where Steph had hung up some of his clothes the last time she had been there, putting them on along with his shoes. He stuck his head out the door and looked around, when he was satisfied that the coast was clear, he walked out and headed towards the door. He heard someone call his name but he kept walking faster. When he got outside he walked for a couple blocks and flagged down a cab.
"Where to sir?" the driver asked after he had slipped in the back.
"Stars Hollow"
No no
I ain't missing you at all
since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
no matter what my friends say