Disclaimer: I do not own Slayers and Storm Hawks

Dinner with Raptors

For some reason, Zelgadis knew that some day he would probably end up in this kind of situation. To understand the predicament fully, let's rewind the day back. Zelgadis was on his usual cure hunt when he landed on what looked to be a deserted terra. He soon realized it was in fact inhabited when he got sneak-attack by the current locals. Now, he was tied up and waiting to be lunch for some reptilian beastmen… If they could decide on which part to eat.

"For the latht time, Leugy!" the skinny lizard yelled in a voice that could almost rival Lina's if it wasn't for the lisp, "Repton getth thith piece," he pointed to a huge chuck that was Zel's torso, "I get thethe," he pointed to Zel's arms, "Hoerk getth thethe," he pointed to Zel's legs, "And you get thethe." He then pointed to the last pieces, which were apparently Zel's ears, which were a very small portion compared to others.

"But why do I get the ears, Spitz?" whined the slightly obese lizard who was named Leugy. True, it was almost unfair to let him a tiny portion while the rest had almost the same size. Of course, Zel didn't want to hear this conversation since it involved him as the one they were eating.

The third lizard, a more muscular one than his brothers, answered, "Because we're putting you on a diet, remember?" Leugy blinked before looking at his round gut. Then, he sweatdropped, a little embarrass about his body problem.

"Hehe… Good point." Leugy chuckled hesitantly for a little bit before going back to his depressed self. "But you could make it even. If not for me, then for Repton and you guys too…"

"Oh yea! And how would you thplit thith?" Spitz was getting a little impatient with the dividing of shares among them. After all, this was his fifth try after many complaints before.

Leugy thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. Then, once grabbing the chalk from Spitz, he divided the chimera both horizontally and then vertically. When getting done, he looked at his brothers. "There, now it's even."

Spitz facepalmed his forehead at his idiot brother's attempt at dividing. "Jutht becauthe you it workth with pie and pizza doethn't mean it will work with other food!" Zelgadis sweatdropped when hearing this. He felt ashamed that he was captured by these guys when he had defeated enemies who were smarter than them.

The three still continued to fight over which part of Zelgadis they were going to eat until a voice boomed angrily behind them. "WHAT ISSSS TAKING SSSSO LONG?" All three brothers jumped and turned to another lizard that wasn't as muscular as the other one but had that air of superiority around him. The others cringed at his presence and by the looks of the scene; it was the right reaction for the rage he was feeling at this moment.

"We're thorry, botth. We're thtill trying to thpilt portions for all of uth." Spitz answered, bowing into "Scared Doggy" position.

"Yea, we're still trying to make it even," Leugy said after Spitz stopped. His own reason for why they were delaying dinner made Repton slapped his own face. He growled softly, wondering how he could be related these idiots.

"… I'm not sure if I should be involved in this since I'm dinner," Zelgadis spoke up, causing all four Raptors to stare at him, "But maybe you should ask my opinion first since you're going to be eating me. It might help make this go quicker."

Repton raised an eyebrow, wondering why his captured prey has offered to help with the cooking. But once thinking it over, he sighed. "Fine, tell me how we ssssshould cook you." Due to his straving stomach, he might as well go with the food rather than his kin.

Zelgadis smirked in his head, wondering if this longshot plan was going to work. "Well, for starters, you want to test me first since I am probably different than your other meals."

Leugy blinked before looking over Zelgadis again. Once making a thorough investigation (Well, thorough to Leugy) , he looked back up at Repton. "Well… He does look kinda sickly." The chimera sweatdropped when hearing that. He didn't look that bad.

Repton raised an eyebrow and looked back at his prey, later untying him. "Fine, we'll try you out raw firssst." The other Raptors chuckled evilly before all four grabbed one of the chimera's limbs. Zelgadis did nothing and lay still, waiting for his capturers to make their move. He knew he had a chance for surviving when they chomped down on his skin.

CHRISK!

All four Raptors' eyes opened wide before they fell onto the floor, howling in pain over their broken teeth. Zelgadis simply stood up, brushing himself before walking away. "You know, I could do worse if I wanted to. Then again, I guess having a misfortune brought on by yourselves is punishment enough." And then, he left, thanking that he had rocky skin at the moment.

Author's Notes:

Here's another one-shot/drabble! This time, it involves Zelgadis and the Raptors… With Zelgadis almost being the main course and the Raptors having their teeth broken.

Yea, I realized that I have been focusing these stories on the main characters from both series, leaving secondary characters to gather dust in the corner. There were some exceptions being the Colonel, Arygyn, Chicken Feathers and Naga somewhat, but that wouldn't do! So, this idea popped into my head and I felt to write it to fix this injustice. Also, I'm planning a little surprise drabble-like series hopefully after this which would involve more obscene characters from Storm Hawks meeting Lina. Believe me, when I get the first one done, you'll find it funny.

Also, if you're feeling queasy about the whole experience, I'm actually not sure if Raptors eat humanoids or not (there were some small hints but no actually proof). However, it probably wouldn't be as funny if they didn't try to eat Zelgadis. After all, looking back at all the Slayers episode, I don't think they writers used this joke (someone else did, so I don't own this idea). If I'm mistaken, may lightning strike me.

Anyway, this isn't the end of this idea! Another person might experience Raptor hunting parties!

Please Read and Review!