I feel like I'm drowning. I can't breathe, and I can't see. The voices I hear are muffled and I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to break through the surface if only for a moment but my mind is too foggy. I'm disoriented and I can't tell which way is up and which is down.
I want to breathe again. I want to be free of this weight that's holding me down. I just want to live but I'm so overwhelmed by pain, hurt, sadness, and anger that it's keeping me from rising to the surface.
It's all consuming me and I don't know what to do, not anymore.
I open my eyes and take in a gasp of breath only to stare at a wide-eyed John standing over me looking worried. He's chewing his nail, a nervous habit he developed in the first grade.
"What?" I question him because him worrying makes me worry.
"You're awake" he states like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"Yes that's what happens after you sleep. Or do I need to fucking educate you in the art of sleeping and waking up?" I raise an eyebrow as he chuckles.
"No I know. It's just that...well you've been sleeping for like two days. I think you were asleep anyway. Either that or you were just ignoring us and if you were that's really mean. We were-are worried about you!" he says concerned.
"Oh" I say before I think about what he said. "What do you mean we?"
"I mean Dave and I"
"Why would he be worried. He doesn't even know me we only just met two days ago"
"Because you seemed pretty upset when he came by and he just wanted to make sure you were okay"
"You can say his name you know. I won't break" Actually I might but I don't know. What's the damage? I already think about him all the time so there's not much more that can happen to me.
"Karkat. I'm not so sure you won't." He turns away. "Look I know you're hurting. I know that you still love him but I think that it would be best if you got over him. You need to let him go. He doesn't love you anymore and I hate seeing you hurt because I know you won't let me help you with it. You've always been so stubborn about everything."
I almost scream at him to shut up but I don't because I know he's telling the truth. He's just trying to help me but he's right I don't want it.
"I can't. Don't you get that? I can't let him go because he was the first person I every loved. He was my first boyfriend and I still love him. It's not that easy to let go of someone you love even when you know you won't get them back ever especially after this. I just I can't do it." By the end tears are streaming down my face. I bury my face in my hands because to be honest I'm ashamed of myself.
"Karkat I know you don't want to but it's not healthy for you to be so hung up on him. I'm sorry okay I really am and I wish this never happened to you. You don't deserve it not in the slightest." He stops talking but I don't reply and he finally sighs deeply before speaking once more.
"Karkat look at me" I lift my head from my hands and stare at him straight in the eye. He takes a deep breath.
"I think you should see a therapist"