June 1998

Lily

It's been well over a month since the battle of Hogwarts ended. Severus has yet to awaken. His body has completely healed from the ghastly wounds inflicted by that horrid beast; I fear that his mind may be injured far worse than his body ever was. All of the injured have left the Hogwarts infirmary weeks ago and I should have left also. My services are no longer required, yet I linger here in the hopes that he will wake up soon. There is no other reason for me to really be here. During the weeks that followed the final battle, my conscience has bothered me greatly where Severus is concerned. Was I the catalyst for his becoming a death eater? All this time I believed that he would have joined them; regardless of what I thought. It turns out that a little kindness on my part could have made all the difference in his life.

I could easily relieve myself of this guilt by saying that I was just a teenaged girl, for that is the truth. During my time by his bedside I have reflected on the person that I truly am. I have always believed that I was good and kind, even when I was a just a girl. No matter how I look at what happened between Severus and I it always amounts to same thing. Seeing it his memories didn't help me feel any better about it. There's yet another thing to feel guilty about. I really shouldn't have looked at those. He gave them to Harry and I had no right. It might have been different if he died that day, Harry insisted that I needed to see and I did little to resist.

The hard truth is that I used that moment of poor judgment against him. He was the ugly duckling and very unpopular, even among his own house mates. I was at the height of popularity in the hierarchy of my house. The enmity between Severus and the boys in Gryffindor was at its peak. I had to find a way to ditch Severus and he gave it to me. Was I such a shallow person?

Of course I was hurt by the epithet he used but I could have forgiven him for it. His eyes, as he begged forgiveness were so full of sincerity and I almost gave in. It was my own desire to be known as more than just that Gryffindor muggle born that kept me from doing so. I was just as ambitious as any Slytherin. Now my husband, my friends, and so many others are gone. I know that I cannot carry the burden of all the losses, you-know-who and his supporters were responsible for that. So why do I feel responsible too?

I always knew that Severus loved me. But I thought it was just a crush that he would eventually get over, and move on. It saddens me to know that all this time, everything he did, was for me. I had put Severus out of my mind after we finished school. It was after James' death, that I began to loath him. He was an easy target for the hate and anger that I felt. Poor Severus, he became a target for everyone else's too. After I ended our friendship he was totally alone and his only companion was the fate of our world on his shoulders. It's time you get the recognition you deserve. If only he would just wake up.

"Please wake up Sev." I take his hand into my own and beg.

He appears to be sleeping and there have been moments that I believed he would awaken. His eyelids flutter restlessly and I believe that it will happen very soon.

Severus

Lily. I hear her voice calling out to me. I want to open my eyes. I have been trying to do just that for what seems like an eternity. I'm just so tired. My eyelids are lead weight; it is so much easier to just keep them closed. But oh, how I long to see her. My Lily has cried for me, she calls out to me.

I am here Lily I call out, what actually comes out of my mouth is a pathetic sounding groan. I still struggle to open my eyes, vowing that this time I will not give up so easily. Eventually my eyes open and I immediately try to raise my hand to shield them. I fail miserably; my muscles are not cooperating with my efforts. Lily notices and dims the light with a wave of her wand. I am able to focus; I see that she is crying and want to tell her not to waste her tears on me but my voice seems to be gone. It is either from misuse or that vile beast severed my vocal chords.

It would be rather ironic if I survived and were unable to speak. That would not stop me from performing magic or brewing potions of course, but I would feel robbed. My speaking voice was my one true beauty. It was the thing that even the most handsome men envied about me. I probably could have seduced a harem full of women if my love of Lily would not have prevented me from doing so.

I did the only thing I could do. I waited for her to stop crying. I was always uncomfortable around crying girls and women but with her and for her I would endure anything. Not that it would have made a difference. I hadn't the strength to go anywhere of my own accord. When the last of the tears was finally shed and wiped of her face she spoke.

"Oh Sev, I'm so glad you're awake." I made another feeble attempt at speech and she shushed me abruptly.

"No! Don't speak. Your vocal chords were injured. I was able to heal the worst damage but you have been on healing potions since and will need them for a few more weeks."

Lily handed me a self-inking quill and a small book that looked like a journal so that I could communicate. "Poppy will give a strengthening solution soon and you will be able to write what you want to say."

I had so much to say to her. So many questions that I wanted to ask, and just as she predicted Poppy burst into the cubicle with potions. The old medi-witch was fussing and clucking over me while casting diagnostic spells. My questions for Lily would have wait until Poppy felt that I was healthy. I know that there would be others coming around soon enough. There was nothing more I wanted but to cherish this time alone with Lily.

The strengthening solution took affect almost immediately. I bolted right up. "Now, now Severus settle down," Poppy admonished gently. How longed to have my voice. I would eviscerate the old hag with my tongue.

Lily bounced from one foot to the other in a way that seemed so unlike her. Then again, it had been so long since we were friends that I no longer could be the judge of what her behavior was like. It was just odd that she acting like a nervous first year before the sorting ceremony. I sighed deeply once Poppy was satisfied that I would live to see another day. She raised my bed so that I could sit up. She nattered on a bit longer about how I was to take care of myself and that only liquids were allowed.

I could care less. I just wanted her to leave so that could be alone with Lily. When we were finally alone I took my journal and quill in hand. Before I got the chance to write the first question Lily took hold of my free hand. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. I was so elated just to be holding her hand that the words she spoke did not sink in immediately.

"Oh Severus, I'm so glad you're awake." My heart skipped a beat, I was sure I would collapse and die. "Harry will be so happy to hear." Of course it was about Potter. Never mind that I nearly died. It would have been preferable if I had. I extracted my hand from hers and scratched furiously into the first page of the journal.

Please send Poppy back in.

Lily questioned me with her eyes, but she did as I asked. When the old matron returned I wrote a note for her hoping that she would understand my meaning.

Please ask her to leave. I would rather be alone.

She understood perfectly. Lily did not return that evening, or the next day, or the day after that.

I thought that I would be done with this chapter but the story seems to be writing itself. Thanks for your kind reviews, for making this story a favorite and putting it on alert.

~PS