I am very impressed that so many like this story - thank you! It's different than the kind of Alex/Casey stories I've done, but I think I'm happy with it so far. And aside from being a dramatic story, keep in mind it's also a love story too...we'll get to that :) Enjoy the update!

As soon as Alex has disappeared out the door, I am mentally kicking myself. That was so stupid! How could I let those words slip out right here and right now? She's right; my focus should be on the charges I'm facing. I shouldn't even be thinking those kinds of thoughts.

My feelings for Alex probably aren't real anyway. She's been showing me care and affection – things I'm not used to – and in my mind I have stupidly confused friendship for romantic feelings. And in the process, I probably destroyed any type of friendship we had.

Alex was uncomfortable with what I said; she was angry even. And rightly so. She's working hard to help me through this stage in my life, and how do I repay her? I put on the spot and tell her I have feelings for her while I'm hooked up to a lung machine in the hospital and felony charges are pending against me.

You're a smart one, Casey. Alex is probably never going to want to see me again.

Rebecca suddenly enters my mind, and I think about what Alex told me. She'll have permanent brain damage, if she even wakes up at all. I let the knowledge sink in. I've destroyed Rebecca's life. I didn't have to strike her with the lamp…but it was like I couldn't stop myself. It was as if someone else was controlling me. And I didn't even hit her that hard! If she hadn't hit the coffee table, I think things would be much better.

Rebecca made me miserable for six months. Now I've made her miserable for the rest of her life. It's not a fair trade-off.

I deserve to pay for what I did. I'm not going to defend myself; there is no defense for what I did. And I'm not going to let Alex try and talk McCoy into dropping the charges. I'm going to go to my arraignment and plead guilty, because I am guilty. I'll accept whatever punishment I'm given; I deserve it, after all.

I was a fool to think my life would get any better. Alex was the only good thing I had going for me, and now I'll be lucky if she even looks at me again. What's here for me, anyway?

A couple hours pass since I last saw Alex, in that timeframe I've visited by Dr. Gordon and two nurses, who all tell me my progress is good and I can go home Monday morning. I was hoping for tomorrow, but they want to keep me an extra day for observation. Fine with me, I guess. I don't think I can stay with Alex anyway; not after how uncomfortable I made her. I'll have to go back to my apartment and stay there while I still have it, then find a hotel I can afford.

Olivia and Elliot come to see me that evening. They're all smiles, and Elliot has a "Get Well" balloon for me, and Olivia has a red teddy bear. I smile as they place the gifts on the shelf across the room where I can see them. Just the fact that they thought of me makes me feel a little better.

Elliot sits in the chair Alex had vacated, and Olivia opts to sit down on the edge of the bed. I feel a little awkward with them. We haven't even had a chance to get reacquainted before all this went down. And Olivia was with me what I snapped. She saw me at the lowest point in my life. How can I look her in the eyes?

Elliot is the first to breach the silence that has befallen us. "You're looking much better. Do you feel better?"

Physically, yes. Emotionally – not so much. I'm a wreck.

"It depends on what you mean," I tell Elliot, not even able to smile. He nods in understanding. "But at least I can breathe and I'm not in horrible pain." But I should be. I deserve to be.

"I know this is hard, Casey," Olivia says kindly, smiling at me sympathetically and covering my hand with hers. "But we're all here for you."

I scoff at that. "Not Alex. I scared her away." Olivia and Elliot exchange glances and I feel my heart plummet. "Did she tell you what happened? About what I said?"

"She did," Olivia answers. "And Casey, you didn't scare her away. She cares about you. She was surprised, yes. And I think a little overwhelmed. I don't know if you realize it or not, but she's been working nonstop to get these charges dropped against you. She's been on the phone with her connections, she got the records from the hospital already…she never stops. She's determined to help you. And I think when you revealed what you did, it was just too much. She saw too many complications, and it just overwhelmed her. She didn't mean to react the way she did."

"That's right, Casey," Elliot pipes up, looking at me with a very serious expression. "She came out and talked to us. She's okay; really. She just needed some time to process what you said. She'll be back. She said she had to make a few more calls."

Guilt flares up again. Alex needs to stop working so hard for me – there won't be anything to work for. I'm accepting the charges, and pleading guilty to avoid a trial. She doesn't have to do anything. I'm a big girl, and I'm responsible for my own actions.

"I feel so foolish," I tell them, my face actually growing hot. "I should have kept that to myself. I…I don't even know what I feel for her, really."

"You shouldn't be thinking about that right now," Olivia tells me sternly. "She's your friend, and that's what you need right now. Us too – we're your friends. As long as you know who your friends are, you'll get through this. I'm your friend, Elliot's your friend, and Alex is your friend – she's done nothing but fight for you these past couple of days. Trust her."

I want to tell Elliot and Olivia that I'm not going to fight what's happening to me, but I know they'll tell Alex. And it's something I need to tell her in person; not something she needs to hear second-hand. So I keep it to myself.

"I'm so sorry you guys. For everything. It was my idea to get us all together. Alex wanted back in your lives, and she was scared to reach out to you on her own. I wanted to help…but I'm afraid I made things worse. I got us together, all right; but not in the way I planned at all. I never wanted any of you to have to try and 'fix' my life. I feel terrible about all of it."

Elliot smiles at me. "Casey, don't be ridiculous. We're glad to be back in both of your lives. And we're happy to help – what else are friends for? In fact…" he looks at Olivia and then back to me. "Should I tell her, or do you want to?"

Olivia shrugs. "Go ahead; tell her."

Elliot returns his attention to me. "We were able to track down two witnesses from 'Stan's' who saw Rebecca attack you. Apparently they are both regular patrons there. They've both given their complete statements, and both are willing to testify in court if it were to come to that."

Both of them are looking at me so happily. They expect some sort of happy response from me. In a case like mine, finding willing witnesses is a huge deal. I should be turning cartwheels. I should be hugging them both and getting down to kiss their feet.

But I know it makes no difference. Yes Rebecca abused me for six months, and yes I defended myself, but I nearly killed her. I ruined her life forever. I let it get as far as it did when I could have walked away six months ago after the first time she hit me and avoided all this.

This is all my fault – no one else's.

They've worked so hard for me – I can't tell them I'm giving up. It will be hard enough to tell Alex.

But all I can muster up to say is, "Thank, guys. Thanks for caring." And suddenly all I want is for them to be gone. The guilt I'm feeling having them here is immense. They are going to be so disappointed when Alex tells them I'm throwing in the towel. So I lie back against my pillow and use my injuries and hospitalization as an excuse for them to slip out. "I'm really tired, guys. Can we talk about this later?"

They both stand in unison and Elliot answers. "Of course. We'll let you get some rest. Alex should be back soon."

They both lean down to hug me and leave me with kind words, but as I lie there alone thinking about everything that's happening, I'm anything but comforted. Without warning, I start to cry. Not for myself; but for Rebecca and for my friends who I'm about to let down.

And then suddenly – and seemingly from out of nowhere – Alex is there. She sweeps into the room like an angel and before I can react at all she's sat down the papers that were in her hands and she's sitting on the edge of the bed where Olivia had sat, her arm around my shoulders and talking softly to me, "Oh my God Casey, what's wrong?"

What's wrong? Is she actually asking me what's wrong? She can't figure it out on her own? Did she forget our last conversation, and the way she ran away from me as if I were the Boogie Man? And did she forget that just told me that I gave Rebecca permanent brain damage? What the hell does she think is wrong? And can she be acting all lovey-dovey with me after the way she ran out of here?

I shake her off, and Alex looks momentarily confused, but accepts I don't want her comfort right now and sits down in the chair by my bed. She lets me continue to cry, and hands me a box of tissues from the stand by the bed when I'm finished.

"You okay?" she asks again, watching me closely with concern.

I manage to nod, tossing the waded up tissue to the foot of the bed. The crying jag has caused my ribs to start hurting again, but with the powerful pain medication I'm receiving, it's nowhere near as bad as it was.

I force myself to look at Alex. I can't meet her eyes; I feel too ashamed, too awkward. She knows how I feel about her, and she doesn't feel the same. How in the world are we going to get past this?

"No, I'm not okay," I finally say. "Rebecca has permanent brain damage because of me."

Alex sighs deeply. "Casey…I shouldn't have told you that right now. I'm sorry. I was really going to wait until you were out of the hospital, but what you said kind of freaked me out, and the words just slipped out. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to put anything else on your mind while you were in here."

"Thanks for the consideration," I say sarcastically, not about to let her off the hook so easily. "I understand I shouldn't have revealed what I did, but you acted pretty childish about it, Alex. Running out of here like I contagious or something. I know I put you on the spot and made you feel uncomfortable, but what did you expect me to think?" Frustration has caught up to me now and I'm about to let her have it. "Look at the way you act around me. You yourself said you have trouble being affectionate with people; except with me. You let me sleep on you, you pay more attention to me than my own mother…and then you say I'm like a 'sister' to you. Do you know how confusing that is? To not be able to decide if someone is your friend, or if they share the same feelings you do? I can't help the way I feel about you, Alex. And I'm sorry it has to be this way. I'll go back to my apartment after I'm released and then find a hotel after this month is up."

"No, you won't," Alex tells me sternly, adjusting her glasses on her face as if to tell me she means business. "And you're right – I did act childish about what you said, and I'm sorry. It just shocked me…but that's no excuse. I should have stayed here like an adult and discussed it with you. But you have to admit, the timing was a bit bad."

Okay, it was; I'll give her that one. "Yes, it was. I admit it."

"But Casey…" Alex shakes her head and sighs, seemingly at a loss for words. I put Alex Cabot at a loss for words. I should receive an award for that. I don't think it's been done very often. "Let's not talk about this subject right now, okay? It's not the time or the place. We have to address it sooner or later, but for now let's put it on the back burner. We have more important issues at hand."

"I can't, Alex," I confess to her. "It's not that easy."

"Yes, it is. Learn to compartmentalize. Tackle one thing at a time. I'm still your friend, Casey. I'll always be your friend. And I'm not letting you go back to that apartment or to a hotel. You're still staying in my guest bedroom. We're two adults – we can handle staying together, even if there is some awkwardness. And besides, Olivia and Elliot are packing your apartment up for you and bringing everything over to my place. You can keep it in boxes if you want, but I thought you'd want it with you."

Why is she doing this? Does she feel sorry for me? Or does she really think I deserve this kindness?

I don't even know what to say to her. If someone confessed they had romantic feelings for me and I didn't share them, I certainly wouldn't want to share an apartment with them, even for a brief period of time. I'd never get past the awkwardness. But Alex…I guess Alex is a better person than me. In fact, I know she is.

"Can we agree not to talk about that particular subject now? Please?" Alex asks.

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. "Okay. But the other issue – Rebecca – is entirely my fault. I did that to her, Alex. I ruined her life."

"Casey, you have to remember, you're her victim. She abused you for six months. Mentally and physically. That takes a toll, especially when it's constant like that. She made you hate yourself. She stole your money and your property, and she broke your spirit. She destroyed your life. She pushed you to your breaking point, and you snapped. You didn't just hit her out of nowhere – you thought she was going to attack you. Olivia was there; she saw it, and she knew why you did it. She'll testify in court if it comes to that. She saw the fear in your eyes, Casey; you were scared to death. You acted like anyone would have acted in your situation."

That's not true – Rebecca wasn't the only thing to destroy my life and break my spirit. I'm partially to blame for it too. When my law license got suspended, it devastated me so deeply that it started my life on this downward spiral. It clouded my judgment and allowed me to stay with an abuser, something I never would have done before, because I felt I deserved the abuse. I didn't hate myself because of Rebecca – I hated myself (and I still do) because of me.

Alex isn't done speaking yet. "What happened to her is bad, but it's not your fault, even though I know you feel like it is. And things are going to be okay – I'll get your court date pushed back and we'll go talk to McCoy. I have the hospital records, Olivia and Elliot found some witnesses from the bar, and – "

"I don't want to go to McCoy. I don't deserve to have the charges dropped. And I don't want it to go to trial either." Alex is looking at me like I have two heads, and I continue. "I'll go to my arraignment on Tuesday as scheduled and plead guilty."

Right now Alex's face looks like something out of a cartoon. She looks like she wants to scream, cry, and go mad in frustration all at the same time. She opens her mouth to speak, but closes right away and gathers her thoughts well before she vocalizes them. And when she does, she comes up with, "Are you insane?!"

"No," I tell her flatly. "I'm guilty."

Alex puts her hands to her forehead and shakes her head, sighing deeply again. She leans forward in the chair and takes another moment to think. I can see her bursting at the seams. She just can't believe what she just heard. "Casey…that is a huge mistake, and you know it. You'll go to jail. There would be nothing I could do if you plead guilty."

"I know. I don't want or need you to do anything. I told you, I'm guilty. I deserve to be punished."

"But you are being punished, Casey! You've been punished for six months! Look what you're going through!" She gestures to me. "You have tube in your lung, broken ribs, a broken arm, you lost your job and your apartment, not to mention all the things she did to you before now."

"Look what she's going through!" I point out. "She's lying unconscious in a hospital bed, and if she wakes up, she'll have brain damage. She'll most likely need care for the rest of her life. Because of me." A tear slides down my cheek. "How am I supposed to live with that? And what if she dies?"

Alex's expression and tone softens when she sees how upset I am. She lowers her voice to a near whisper and I can tell she wants to touch me, but she holds back. "I know, Casey – I know. It has got to be hard. But you have to believe me when I say it isn't your fault, and you don't deserve to go to jail. You're not a criminal. You're an intelligent, compassionate, sweet person who got a rotten deal on life and deserves so much better. You have a future, Casey, even if you don't see it. I see it."

Another tear slides down my cheek. How can she see a future for a screw-up like me? There's nothing out there for me. I have two more years of my license being suspended – what's my future? Going back to work at the restaurant after my arm heals? Hating my job and myself every day? Living at my friend's apartment? I don't think so. I'd rather rot in a jail cell. At least I'd know I was getting what I actually deserved.

"Don't let Rebecca define who you are, Casey Novak," Alex says, this time reaching out and touching my arm. "You're so much better than all of this. I believe in you."

I haven't heard anyone besides Alex say those words and mean them for a long, long time. And even though I feel badly for myself right now, hearing Alex say them actually makes me feel a little better.

"But I still deserve to pay, Alex," I say sadly, looking down at my blanket.

"Why?" she demands, frustration evident in her voice again. "You take your life and throw it around like it's worthless!" she says. Her voice is betraying her and I start crying again but she doesn't stop. "And it's not true Casey, because you are not worthless! You are not worthless!"

I pick up the box of tissues and dab my eyes again, growing frustrated myself. Why doesn't Alex just give up? Why is she doing this to me? I told her what I wanted – why can't she respect that?

"Prove it to me, Alex. Prove to me that I'm not worthless. Prove to me that I have any kind of future at all." Alex just sits there staring at me, and I scoff. "I thought so; you can't prove it because it's not true."

Alex cocks her head and me and squints her eyes, deep in concentration. "Really? You think I can't prove it?"

"I know you can't."

Alex stares at me for a minute. Then, without another word, she leans forward and kisses me.

Ohhhh! Alex kissed her! What do you think? Is that enough to convince Casey not to give up? How will Casey react? Please review and let me know what you think!