9. The Boy

Right – this is a relatively fluffy chapter before we get rather gritty. I love the awkwardness of first romances, and with a father like McCoy, you know it's not going to end well… Thanks for reading and please review!

Heart of Gold - James Blunt

And she sings, I want to know what love is

But it seems to come with so much pain

If no one wants to show me

It seems easier just to run away

'Love... you're better off without it, and I'm better off without mine. This vessel...I give... she takes. She won't permit me my life. I've got to live hers.' James T. Kirk – The Naked Time TOS

Stardate: 2261

Jim: Aged 28

Joanna: Aged 12

Joanna was sitting in the corner in the room. It was snowing outside and she had taken up habitation next to the heater in her father's home. It had come as quite a shock to her system to come back to Earth for a winter break after the heat of Cerberus. The snow had started a day ago, just after she'd touched down in fact, and showed no sign of relenting. She wasn't sure she liked it – as pretty as it was. She didn't have many good memories of snow. Outside the children in the area were having a large snowball fight, and she watched them curiously from the window. They were clearly a mixture of ages – some of the older clearly teenagers with a well-planned strategy, whilst the younger, mere toddlers, simply ran about laughing. She felt a stab of envy at their fun and tried to ignore it. She wondered what it'd be like to be part of a group like that. She had friends on Cerberus, but they never just played about, not the same way that Humans did. She missed that – she missed it, despite the fact she'd never had it. Which was completely stupid.

"You know, you could just go and join them." A familiar voice said from behind her.

She spun round quickly. "Jim!" She threw her arms around his waist and she felt him laugh.

"It's good to see you too, kid."

"Don't call me kid!"

"Alright Sassy." He hugged her back for a moment.

"When did you get here?" Her dad hadn't mentioned that he'd be coming for the holidays. She'd hoped he'd might, but assumed he'd have plenty of other people to be spending time with. Her dad had hinted he'd found himself a new girlfriend.

He smiled and released her. "About thirty minutes ago."

She frowned at him. "I didn't hear."

"No – you seemed deep in thought." He glanced out the window and repeated his earlier statement. "You could go out, you know?"

She wished it were that easy. "I can't."

"Why not?" His blue eyes were assessing her thoughtfully.

"I just… I can't." What was she meant to do? She had no idea how to relate to other children – not in groups. She could speak seven languages almost fluently, could recite every member of the Federation Council, could play several musical instruments, but they weren't like the half-Vulcans she went to school with. They wouldn't be impressed by that. They'd hate her, just like the kids when she'd been to school on Earth.

"You're not scared are you?"

She bristled. "No." She wasn't. Not exactly. She just didn't want to be laughed at. Or them to say no to her face.

"Right." Jim looked sceptical. "They wouldn't dislike you, Joanna. How could they?"

She shrugged, watching the lively forms. "I'm too different." She'd had to win friendship through hard work in everyone except for Jim. But that was because they were the same. She wondered what it would be like to be normal – to be able to make friends her own age easily.

The doorbell rang, and she heard her dad answer it. She had a sudden worry as to who it might be.

"Is your girlfriend here too?"

Jim looked surprised. "My girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend."
She felt unreasonably relieved. "But dad said that you-."

Jim interrupted her with a smile. "She was… a special friend, Joanna. Girlfriend suggests that there's more than one date."

"Oh." She tried to work out what that meant exactly but was distracted when she heard voices in the hall, then her dad calling her name.

"Yep?" She made her way out of the room to find him, but stopped slightly short. There was a boy with him, dressed in a large jacket for the snow, with sandy hair and emerald eyes. He was a couple of years older than her, maybe fourteen, and was tall and slim and rather disproportionate – like his body hadn't caught up with his limbs. He paused when he saw her, and gave her a friendly smile.

"Hi."

"Hi." She returned his smile and felt colour come to her cheeks.

He glanced at her dad, looking hesitant. "I saw you at the window and wondered if you wanted to come out. We're just mucking about, you know, but if you wanted to…" He paused and she began to smile in earnest. He was asking her to come out. She didn't think anyone had ever asked something so wonderful before.

"Sure." Her dad cleared his throat and she felt a sudden moment of dread, and glanced up at him beseechingly. To her surprise he looked rather amused, despite the frown on his face.

"Be back before dark."

"Okay." She pulled on her coat with lightening speed and followed the boy out before he could change his mind.

The boy whistled once they'd made it out of the front gate. "Your dad is scary."

She laughed. "He's not so bad. I'm Joanna."

He grinned at her. "Marty. Nice to meet you." He looked her up and down. "How old are you, anyhow?"

"Twelve – almost thirteen."

"You're pretty small."

She rolled her eyes. As if no one had told her that before. She was sure she was owed a growth spurt. "Really? You're pretty tall."

He tried not to look too proud. "Yep – I'm still growing too."

"So am I." She pointed out.

He gave her an amused look. "So we've been building a pretty sweet fort. Want to see?"

"Sure."

He introduced her to some of the others around her age. They were all equally friendly, and for the first time she felt pretty normal – like any other kid who'd come out onto the street. They didn't ask anything about her, and it didn't matter. It was perfect being anonymous, being part of something. She spent an hour working with them in the cold, happily taking orders, and making gentle suggestions about how they could improve the fort's defences.

"Marty?" She approached him where he was rolling snowballs into a pile on the ground with the help of some of the younger ones. A small girl was beside him with identical green eyes – probably his sister. "Out of interest, what's the fort actually for? Are you expecting an attack or something?"

Marty nodded. "Yeah – some of the kids from a few blocks down are planning a surprise attack."

"A surprise attack?" That would be rather difficult – seeming as everyone knew about it.

"Well, it's not much of a surprise – news spreads round the area. But we have to maintain the good name of our block, you know?"

She most certainly did not know. It all sounded rather stupid and petty to her. However, she knew enough to keep her thoughts to herself on the subject. "Sure. So, you're just going to hide in the fort and throw snowballs back at them?" She checked she understood the game plan.

"It's a snowball fight."

"How do you know who's won?"
He shrugged. "Whatever team gives in first I suppose." He gave her a critical look. "You sure ask a lot of questions. You never been in a snowball fight before?"

She felt her cheeks colour. "No…"

He looked intrigued. "Oh. That explains it then. You're not from around here, are you?"

She shook her head. "My dad brought a house here a month ago, but I don't stay with him usually."

"Your parents are divorced?" She nodded. "Mine too. We go between my mom and dad every weekend or so. It sucks."

She nodded her agreement, feeling relief that he didn't ask her any more questions. "So, the pride of the block rests on this fight?" She asked him slowly.

"Sure. I doubt we'll win though – I heard that there's going to be at least thirty of them, and most of the kids on our block are little – they can't throw far enough to hit anyone."

She felt a sudden desperate need to contribute – he'd been so nice to her. But she was scared what he'd think if she showed him what she knew. "We could win…"

"You can think of a way how?"

She nodded. "Well, the problem is distance, right? So we bring the little ones closer to the fight."

"How?"

She smiled. "Guerrilla tactics."

Marty gave her a long look. "What does your dad do again?" She felt a stab of panic. Maybe she should have said nothing.

"He's a doctor…"

"Right." He looked thoughtful for a moment, but then smiled. "Okay, what do we have to do?"

Fifteen minutes later she was drawing figures in the snow as the other children crowded around her. Marty's support had given her confidence, and she carefully explained her plan so that everyone understood. To her surprise, enthusiasm was high. Apparently, they'd lost epically last snow and wanted payback.

"Any questions?" She asked finally.

"No." The younger children chorused. They were especially excited to have a role in this, and she couldn't help but roll her eyes. She hoped they didn't lose their heads under pressure. The group dispersed to prepare and she was left with Marty again. He was watching her with an expression that made her blush suddenly, though she didn't really understand why. She moved to cover up her plans with snow and he moved next to her.

"You're a really strange girl." He told her. She felt her heart sink. "I didn't mean it in a bad way." He added quickly, responding to the expression on her face. "I've just never met a girl like you before."

She smiled slightly. "My friend says that the universe could only cope with one of me." Jim never seemed to mean it in a bad way though. The universe could only cope with one of him too.

"Where did you learn all that stuff about tactics?"

"I read it." It was partly true – her dad's letters had contained some of it. The rest she'd learnt on the Enterprise, from spending time with Jim.

"You must read a lot."

She shrugged. "So are we going to do this?"

"Sure."

They hid down behind the fort and waited for attack. A few minutes later she heard the loud sounds of other children moving down the street towards them. She felt adrenaline pump through her veins and exchanged an excited look with Marty. They both secured snowballs.

The voices grew closer, then one boy shouted a challenge. Before he'd even finished the sentence several of the little children, who'd been hidden under snow drifts, rose out of the ground and hurled them with snow balls before retreating to the cover of the fort. The ensuing battle was intense and left Joanna breathless as she threw snowball after snowball and avoided the onslaught as best she could. It took almost forty long minutes before a retreat was sounded from the other side and the cheer went up among the children of the block.

"It worked! I can't believe it worked! Wait until school on Monday – that'll show them!" Marty was practically bouncing and she couldn't help but laugh at his exuberance. They were joined by the others, who insisted on doing a victory circuit of the block. Joanna had never imagined what it was like to be popular, but suddenly everyone wanted to speak to her, to know her, and she found it almost overwhelming. They ended up in a park nearby as the sun began to set. She knew her time was running short, but she wanted to draw out every moment of being normal, before it was taken away.

"Joanna?" Marty came and sat on the swing next to her. "You okay?"

"Yes."

"You sure? You look a bit…"

"A bit what?" She turned to look at the boy beside her curiously. They were the last ones left now, the others leaving them behind on their way home to warm up after the cold.

He shrugged. "I don't know." He swallowed and looked at his feet. "You're really pretty, you know?" He blushed slightly, and she found herself blushing too.

"I am?" No one had ever said that to her before.

He nodded. "And you're really different from any girl I've met before."

She smiled. "You already said that."

"Well you are – good different that is. Are you going to be here tomorrow?"

"I don't know." She wasn't leaving for another two days, but her dad had mentioned taking her away, just her and him, for a bit.

"Oh. When will you be back round here?"

She shook her head. "I don't know that either."

"Is your mom's far away?"

"No – but I don't stay with her. I'm at boarding school."

He looked troubled. "So I might not see you again?"

She felt her heart sink. She liked him. "I guess not." She tried to remove the disappointed expression from his face. "You're different too, you know. No one's ever asked me to come out before. Thanks, I guess."

He smiled slightly. "No problem." He gave her a long look. "Joanna?"

"Yes?"

He moved closer and she found her heart beating faster. She kept very still and he touched her cheek. "I like you a lot."

"I like you too." He moved slowly towards her and she suddenly felt rather scared. She didn't understand entirely what was going on, but his green eyes were intent on hers, and she realised that she didn't like green, not near as much as blue. Was he about to…?

"What the hell?" A familiar voice caused him to spring away from her, and she looked around to the angry face of her father. "What the hell is going on?"

"Dad, it's okay-." She attempted, but she could see her dad was furious as he stormed towards them.

"Okay? You!" He picked Marty up by the scruff of his neck. "What do you think you're doing? She's eleven years old! How dare you touch her like that?" Mortification ran hot through her veins

"I didn't mean-." Marty was weakly attempting to defend himself from her father's onslaught.

"Didn't mean it? It sure looked like you meant it. Why, I should-."

"Dad!-" She attempted. Right now she wanted kill him.

"Joanna, run home right now. Your friend and I are going to see his parents."

"No, dad, please don't-."

"Now Joanna." She wanted to protest, to get angry, but her dad was not reasonable in this mood. She needed Christine, before her dad did something stupid. She sent an apologetic look to Marty, who was clearly terrified, eyes wide and shifting between her father and her, then turned and ran.

She was blinking back the tears by the time she reached the house. She burst through the back door and into the kitchen, where Christine was preparing dinner and talking to Jim, who was leaning against the counter.

"Joanna, what's wrong?" Jim was eyeing her with worry.

"Christine, you need to go and stop dad. He saw Marty and me… Well he thought… He thought…" She had no idea how to phrase it. "He's gone to his parents, and he's really angry." She was crying outright now, tears of frustration and embarrassment.

Christine wiped her hands and nodded, exchanging a look with Jim. "It's alright Joanna." Her voice was soft and she squeezed her shoulders briefly. "Your dad doesn't stay angry for long. I'll find him, don't worry."

"I'll watch my godson, shall I?" Jim offered. He was avoiding looking at her, and was glancing at the baby who was sitting happily in his highchair, oblivious to her distress.

"Please." Christine put on her coat. "I'll be back soon. Keep an eye on dinner for me."

The baby began to wail as soon as she left, and Jim moved to comfort him. Joanna took a shuddering breath, as fresh anger flooded her veins. How could he? Marty was just trying to be nice. Her dad had no right to act like that. She was so embarrassed. Now everyone would know. Marty would never want to see her again now. She'd never be able to come back here. Hell, she'd never be able to show her face in public again.

She noticed that Christine had been preparing carrots, and she moved to finish chopping them, trying to reign in her anger. Lotoc told her that her anger made her thinking all wrong. He'd tried to teach her to control it, but wasn't doing very well. She began to slice, focusing intently on nice even sizes.

"Joanna?" Jim came to lean against the counter again, James gurgling happily in his arms. She felt a wave of annoyance at her half-brothers cheerfulness at a time like this.

"Shouldn't you being going to defend my honour or something too?" He always tried to back up her dad at moments like this.

She felt his smile. "No, I'd rather be here. Joanna?"

"What?" She snapped at him. She had a suspicion he was laughing at her, and that hurt.

"It's not the carrots fault."

"Shut up." She scowled at him and continued to chop.

"Seriously Joanna. It's not that bad…"

How could he think that? This was the most awful thing ever. "He'll never speak to me again now. He was really nice to me. No one's ever been like that to me before. And dad had to ruin it. He was only going to kiss me. What's wrong with that?" She let out a frustrated cry. "I just want to be normal. I don't want to be like this. I want a normal mom, and a normal dad, and a normal brain."

"Joanna, maybe you should give me that knife." She realised that she was pointing it at him, and he was watching it warily.

She put it down with a groan and put her head in her hands. Jim put his free arm around her. "It's alright Sassy."

"I'm never going to have normal friends." She murmured into his side as her brother gurgled and grasped her hair reassuringly.

Jim shrugged. "Maybe you're not meant for normal. You've got friends at school haven't you? And me? Maybe you're meant to be special."

She sighed, but found herself calming. "What do you think my dad's doing?"

"Talking with his parents. Christine will be there by now, so she'll calm it all down." That was true. Christine was always calm. Jim went to put his godson back in his chair and Joanna stirred the contents of the pot on the stove. Jim gave her a curious look as he leant against the counter again. She knew what was coming. "So… He was really going to kiss you?" She nodded and Jim chuckled, making her blush all over again. "Well don't worry, I know teenage boys. Your dad won't put him off for long."

"He won't?" She wasn't sure if she felt relieved.

"Nope."

She swallowed, wondering if she dared confide in Jim something she'd tell no one else. "I wasn't sure…" She didn't know how to continue.

"Whether you wanted him to do it?" Jim surmised, looking down at her face. She nodded, and Jim gave her an understanding look. "Joanna, you never should let anyone do anything to you that you don't like."

"But I wouldn't know whether I'd like it until I try it, would I?"

Jim chuckled. "Maybe, but kissing's not just about the action."

"It's not?" She'd guessed it must be more than that – because process was pretty gross otherwise.

"It's about the person too. Trust me, I've kissed people because I've needed to, and people because I've wanted to. It feels different."

She eyed him with raised eyebrows, extrapolating this piece of information. "So you've kissed a lot of girls?"

"Women." He corrected. "I've kissed a lot of women."

She stuck her tongue out in disgust. "That's gross."

Jim laughed. "I'm sure the women would disagree."

She shook her head at him, but from what she'd heard from the nurses on the Enterprise she guessed he was right. However, she wasn't willing to let this interesting subject drop. "But Christine says… She says that people should only kiss if they love each other."

Jim shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know about that. Christine and your dad are different, but most people don't kiss just because of love."

"Oh." She attempted to understand. "Then why do they kiss?"

He shrugged. "Attraction. Comfort. All sorts of reasons. I think love's something that comes later."

She looked up at him thoughtfully and he smiled at her, his blue eyes crinkling at the corners as if he anticipated her next question. "Have you ever been in love, Jim?"

"Of course. I still am."

She stared at him. She thought he'd told her he didn't have a girlfriend? Why hadn't he told her? "Who is she? Do I know her?"

"Sure you know her."

"What's her name?"

Jim laughed. "That would be giving the game away." She felt a flare of irritation.

"Well what's she like?"

Jim shook his head. "She's… beautiful, and frustrating, and completely complex. The first time I saw her, I knew that I had to have her - that I'd follow her to the ends of the universe, that I'd give up my life to lead hers. I knew we belonged together. Nothing else made sense." She felt a flare of something like jealousy.

"You knew you loved her then?"

He nodded, his face pensive. "Yes. The more I've got to know her, the deeper I've fallen. I knew when I stepped aboard her I'd never escape – and never want to."

"Step aboard?" She understood now and shook her head at him indignantly. "Jim, you can't be in love with the Enterprise."

"Why not?"

"It's just… weird." He laughed. "Haven't you ever been in love with a girl?"

He shrugged, looking rather uncomfortable. "No idea. I don't think so."

She felt her heart sink for him. "But… why?"

"I don't think I work like that."

But surely everyone could love someone? Even Spock did. Why couldn't Jim? "I don't get it…"

He didn't meet her eyes. "The Enterprise is my love, like I said. She takes everything I have. I can't get attached to anyone else." She could see he wasn't telling her everything, like maybe he thought she was too young to understand. She filed it away to ask him again when she was older. He smiled at her. "Besides, could you imagine me with a wife and kids like your dad?"

She thought about it. She couldn't see him living off the Enterprise, period. And Jim married was weird to think about. "You're good with kids… but I guess not."

"Exactly."

"But what happens when you get old and leave the Enterprise? What will you do?" She didn't like to think that Jim might be lonely. He would be without his ship. He wasn't meant to be alone.

He shrugged. "No use thinking about that now."

"You'll always have me."

He chuckled and gave her a fond look. "If you say so. You might get bored of an old man."

"I'll never get bored of you, Jim." She grinned. "And you're already an old man."

"Thanks kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy." They exchanged a smile. Joanna picked up her knife and began to slice again, feeling better. She felt Jim's eyes on her and knew what was coming. "Don't be angry at your dad, Joanna. He's only trying to protect you."

She frowned. "I don't need protection."

"Your track record says otherwise. And besides, he knows what teenage boys are like."

She rolled her eyes. "What are teenage boys like?"

"Well, sometimes they aren't good at controlling their emotions..."

She raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

Jim looked awkward. "It means you could be pressured into going further or doing things that you don't want to do."

"Oh." She blushed in understanding. Gross. She didn't get that impression from Marty, but how would she have known? She hadn't even considered he'd be interested in her in that way. All she'd wanted was a friend. She was never going near boys again. She was suddenly glad she went to school on Cerberus. "Well at least Vulcan boys don't have that problem." They were nice and cold and would never touch her, even accidently, unless she specifically requested it.

Jim looked thoughtful, and then suddenly worried. "Usually not but… Have you ever heard of Pon Farr?"

"What's that?"

He smirked slightly. "Why don't you ask Spock next time you see him?"

"Okay…" She definitely wasn't waiting that long.

"Let's just say that Vulcans aren't always as controlled as you think. Do you take self-defence at that school of yours?" She shook her head. "Well, maybe it's a good idea. It'll make your dad feel better."

"What will make me feel better?" Her father strode into the room with a scowl, but looking far more controlled than when she'd last seen him. She wasn't sure whether or not she was relieved he was back.

"I was suggesting that Joanna takes some self-defence lessons to stop this sort of thing happening again."

Her father nodded. "Good idea."

Jim grinned playfully. "Joanna if another boy comes within five feet of you, give him a black eye." Joanna frowned at him.

Christine tutted at him as she removed her coat. "Really, Marty was harmless. I'm sure Joanna can decide for herself which boys to let near her."

"I don't think-." Her father began.

Christine's eyes went steely. Obviously she'd had some hard words with her father earlier. "Well I do – and as far as I know I'm the only one who's been a teenage girl here." She exchanged a smile with her. It was so nice to have someone on her side against her dad - and Jim for that matter. "I survived the experience without being molested, and I'm sure Joanna will."

Her father looked sceptical. "Even so, the defence lessons are a good idea."

Jim nodded. "Two words. Pon Farr."

Christine sighed as her father turned pale. "Joanna, I'll speak to your school tomorrow."

Joanna scowled at the carrots. It was a good job she loved her dad, because clearly she'd never be able to love another person with him around. "I'll speak to them myself."

Three days later she walked the halls of her school. It was evening, and most of the other children were studying or meditating or doing something equally constructive and boring in their rooms. She let herself into the classroom silently and studied the man seated in its centre. Lotoc was dark and extremely tall – taller than Spock maybe, but broader across the shoulders. She couldn't decide much else about him – not his age, or even whether he was a full blood Vulcan or not. She studied him silently, waiting for instruction. When they'd first started their meetings she'd struggled to wait and sit still, but Lotoc had forced her to learn patience. He was meditating, but raised a hand to indicate that she should sit while he finished. She obediently took the floor opposite him and waited.

Ten minutes later the man opened his eyes and gazed at her. "Good evening, Joanna."

She forced away the irritation she felt at being made to wait. "Hi."

"You seem preoccupied tonight. How was your trip with your father?"

She sighed. "Complex."

"I see." She doubted whether he did. "What is it that you wish to ask of me?"

She frowned. She hated that he could see everything about her. "I need you to teach me to fight."

Lotoc nodded and gracefully stood. "I had anticipated such a request. Come. I have all prepared."

So began her physical training.

A/N – Thanks for reading. The song for the next chapter will be Absolute by The Fray.