Chapter Nine: I'm Not Ready For You Now, Please Don't Hate Me
It's Friday morning when Dean rolls over and shuts his nagging alarm off. He rubs his hands over his face in an attempt to wake himself up, then grunts when it doesn't work. He was up all night the night before, but not for the reason that he wishes he was up. Yeah, he did have a guy over and yeah, the plan was to fuck all night. But as soon as all clothes were off and things were just about to get hot and heavy, Dean sent the guy home.
He then spent the rest of the night wondering why the fuck he'd done that.
In no way, shape, or form had Dean lost his desire to fuck, but he was starting to wonder if maybe it was time to admit that his desire as far as who he wanted to fuck was changing. And that thought alone was able to keep him up for weeks. He's surprised he was able to fall asleep at all.
As much as he knows that he needs to stay away from Seth Rollins, Dean's starting to find that he's addicted. That's why he reaches over and grabs his phone off of his nightstand, and dials Seth's number.
"Mmmm, hello?"
Seth's voice is low and slightly scratchy, and fuck maybe it wasn't a good idea to call Seth after all.
"Wake up, kid. You and I are going on an adventure."
Seth gives a lazy chuckle. "So now school's an adventure to you?"
"Ahh, you have jokes? You've been hanging around me too long. But no. You and I are skipping school."
"What?" Now Seth's starting to sound a little more awake. "We are?"
"Yup. So get up and get ready, cause I'm gunna pick you up soon."
Over the line, Dean can hear Seth getting out of the bed and slide jeans on. That leads to Dean picturing Seth before putting on the jeans, and now he's starting to wonder if this whole phone conversation had been a mistake.
"Why are we skipping school? What are we going to do?"
"Hmmm..." Dean follows Seth's lead and hops out of bed and puts a random pair of pants on. He then heads into the bathroom. "I was thinking we could swing by the liquor shop..."
"What!"
Dean laughs, lodging his phone in the crook of his neck while he loads his toothbrush with toothpaste. "Just kidding." He hears Seth sigh, and grins. "We're gunna go and see my drug dealer."
"WHAT!"
"Calm down! I'm only kidding. You're, like, super gullible."
Dean can hear running water on Seth's end, and finds a small sense of something run through his body at the idea that they're brushing their teeth at the same time.
While they're on the phone.
So it's like they're brushing their teeth together.
What?
"You've never given me a reason to not believe you."
"True. Alright, I'll take that."
They both stay silent, occupied with brushing their teeth. When they finish, Seth asks,
"But really, what exactly do you have planned for today? Why don't you wanna go to school?"
"I have a test today that I didn't study for."
"Do you study for any of your tests?"
"Look at you and your quick wit, Rollins." Dean says, but he sounds more impressed than anything.
"Maybe I have been hanging out with you too much." Seth says a hint of cockiness in his voice.
Dean can't say he doesn't like it. In fact, he kind of loves it. Loves how comfortable Seth's become with him.
"Just get ready. I'm gunna leave in a few seconds."
"Aww, I can't eat breakfast first?" The cockiness in Seth's voice had quickly been replaced with a whine.
"I'll buy you something from McDonalds or something. I'll be there soon."
"Wait, I didn't even really tell you I was agreeing to skip school with you."
"Getting in my car now!"
"Wait, Dean, I don't know if I can just sk-"
"Can't talk and drive! Sorry, gotta hang up!"
"Dean!"
But he already hung up.
…
Not too long later, Dean is driving with Seth nervously sitting in the passenger seat. Dean knows that he's lucky that Seth allowed him to do all of the talking when it came to Seth's mother and her probing questions. Doesn't Seth usually pick Dean up on Fridays? Why are they leaving for school so early, don't they usually leave at the last possible minute? Do they at least want some chocolate chip pancakes before they leave?
Samantha Rollins and those damn chocolate chip pancakes.
Dean had been able to get Seth out before he became more of a nervous wreck than he already was, and they were on their way.
"So… You don't really do drugs… Do you?"
Dean laughs, flicking his turn signal as he switches lanes.
"I don't know, Seth. Do I?" He asks, looking at Seth.
Seth looks into Dean's blue eyes for a few moments, and smiles.
"No, you don't."
Dean lets out a quiet sigh of relief. He had been hoping that Seth would know him better than that. Yeah, Dean has some problems with underaged drinking, but drugs? Never. He knows what it's done to his mom. Can only assume what it's done to his nowhere-to-be-found dad. He wouldn't touch the stuff with a ten foot poll.
"Good boy." Dean says, his voice smooth. They sit in silence for a few more moments, and Dean can feel Seth slowly relaxing next to him.
A vibration from the passenger side of the car draws Dean's eyes from the road and to Seth's lap where his phone was resting. Seth picks it up, reads the screen, and laughs.
"Who's that?"
"Roman." He says, giggles, then goes on. "He said: Where did Dean drag you off to this time?"
Dean rolls his eyes, but it's all in good humor. "Why do I always have to be the one to corrupt you? How does he know that you haven't kidnaped me?"
"Because I'm a little angel. Would I ever do anything bad?"
Dean laughs, looking over at Seth while Seth gives him an innocent smile.
"You're skipping school, aren't you? That's pretty bad."
"Hey, fuck you."
The second it leaves his mouth, Seth gasps and covers his mouth with his this is now the second time he's ever cussed in front of Dean. Dean throws his head back in laughter, because the expressing of pure shock on the younger man's face is funnier than anything else about the situation.
"It's not funny!" Seth pouts, but when Dean shows no sign of showing him any pity, Seth gives way to small giggles as well. Those small giggles turn into longer, louder laughs, and soon enough, Dean's truck has erupted into roaring laughter.
When it dies down, the two ease themselves into random conversation as Dean continues to drive to their destination. Once they get there, Seth furrows his eyebrows.
"Why are we at your work?" He asks, but Dean doesn't answer. He just gets out of his truck and runs around to the other side and opens Seth's door for him.
It was funny, because that's never been something Dean has just done for someone. He's never been much for chivalry, but Seth just seemed like the type of person who deserved it, at least in his mind. He's not really sure when he started doing things like that for Seth, and he doesn't even notice that he does it anymore. But it's never been something that either of them questioned.
"I wanna show you something."
Seth follows Dean through the shop and to the back, until they've landed themselves back outside, this time behind the garage.
They walk until they are standing before a bright red motorcycle, and Seth's eyes widen because he knows that it's Deans.
But even in knowing that, he asks, "Is this yours?"
Dean nods with an unmistakable glow of pride emanating from his eyes. He reaches out and brushes a bit of dust off of the seat, then looks back at Seth.
"Aint she a beauty?" He asks, and Seth nods. Mostly because he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know much about cars and bikes and the like. "Been working on her for about a year and a half. You should have seen her when I first got her from the scrap yard. A total piece of shit."
Seth giggles, and he almost feels bad about it when Dean looks at him with confusion.
"Sorry. It's just funny hearing you call it "her". It sounds like you're talking about a real person that you found and saved or something."
"That's because I did find and save her!" Dean shouts, his voice defensive. But again, its all in good humor. "I just finished painting her last week. Couldn't decide if I wanted red or blue."
Seth lightly brushes his hand over the handle, the bright but deep red flashing in the sun. "How'd you decide on red?"
Dean grins, running his hand over the opposite handle. "I just thought about which color I'd look sexier riding. Definitely red, don't you think?"
"Definitely." Seth agrees, shooting Dean a grin right back.
They continue to admire the bike for a few seconds longer, before Dean asks, "Wanna go for a ride?"
Seth's head shoots up and he's looking at Dean with panicked eyes. "Wh-what?"
"You heard me." He picks the helmet off of the handle that Seth had been caressing only seconds before and hands it to him. "Come on, lets go for a ride. I haven't given her a test ride yet."
"And that's supposed to convince me to go?" The panic in Seth's eyes grows a bit.
"Yeah, I could see how that would freak you out..." Dean says quietly, almost seeming to be scolding himself for saying it. "I just meant that, you know…" He sounds nervous now, and he forces himself to sit on the bike because he can't help but suddenly feel stupid and light headed. "I figured it would be more fun to share the first ride with someone, you know? I've been working so long on her and she's finally done, and… I… Wanted to share that moment with someone. Cause it means so much to me."
When Seth doesn't immediately reply, Dean re-hands the helmet on the handle, blushing more than Seth's ever seen. "You know what, it's stupid. I'm sorry I made you come out here. I should have asked you before... This was so stupid, I'm sorry."
"Dean." Seth's voice is light, and so soft that it sends a shiver through Dean's body. "I… You want to share that moment with me?"
Seth sounds shocked. Like he can't believe that he would be a candidate.
"Of course." It's all Dean can really say, because this moment has gotten so heavy between them. Crossed into a territory that Dean isn't familiar with.
But to be honest, Seth isn't familiar with this either, because he isn't used to seeing Dean to vulnerable. He's starting to see how much this bike means to him, and it makes sense when he really thinks about him. It's all he has. He doesn't have a family, or many friends aside from himself, Roman, and John. Doesn't have a nice house or nice things. All he has is himself and what he's good at. All he has is what he can make for himself.
So yeah, Seth can't really believe that he would want to share the moment with Seth, of all people.
"What about Roman? I thought he was-"
"He is, alright? He is." Dean hadn't meant to sound as frustrated as he did, but the frustration had begun creeping up his throat with each passing second. Yes, Roman is his best friend. He's always been and he always will be. But Seth… It's different with Seth. He's not a best friend to Dean, because he's so much more than that. Granted, he doesn't know where that places the two-toned kid exactly, and he's afraid to dwell on it.
All Dean knows is that Seth Rollins is special to him. If he can't admit anything else, at least he can admit that.
"So does this make me your best best friend?" Seth asks, and just like that, all the tension surrounding the two has slipped away like sand through Dean's fingertips. He can't help but smile at Seth's ever-present innocence.
"Exactly. So are you gunna go for a fucking ride with me or not?"
"Sure, but there's only one helmet here." He points out.
"I know. I could only afford to buy one." Dean says, momentarily getting off of the bike and grabbing the helmet. He places it gently onto Seth's head, and he can see the concern in the kid's eyes as soon as he does.
"But what about you?"
Dean smiles, strpping the black helmet tightly on. "I've got a hard head. Plus, I couldn't let anything happen to you."
Seth frowns. "But… I don't want anything to happen to you either."
"Tell you what," He's back on the bike now. "next time I get a bit of spare change, I'll get another one, okay? That way, if we ever go riding again, we'll both have one."
Seth's smile returns, and Dean almost wants to look away from it's brilliance.
"Okay, lets go."
…
The two ride around without a real destination for about 45 minutes before Dean brings them back to the shop to drop the bike off. Seth had started out a bit shaky at first, yelling at Dean to go slower or turn more carefully. But after a while, Seth's vice grip on Dean's midsection had loosened, and his shouts of fear had turned to shouts of excitement.
There was no doubt in Dean's mind that he'd picked the right person to share the first ride with.
From there, the day had been littered with random doings and happenings. Dean had snuck the two of them into a movie, taken Seth on his first off-road drive, and when Roman and John had gotten out of school, they'd spent a few hours with them.
And now, it was 10:05p.m, and it was Seth's turn to take Dean somewhere. Dean had no problem letting Seth drive his shitty truck so that Seth could keep the destination a surprise.
And it was a bit of a surprise when Dean realized that, when they parked, they were parked outside of Seth's house.
"I thought you said you were taking me somewhere cool." Dean said, sounding both unimpressed and devastated.
Seth rolled his eyes with a laugh. "Be patient, you big baby. Come on." Seth said, throwing Dean the keys and jumping out of the truck. When Dean got out, he was taken aback to see Seth sprinting down the dimly lit street.
"Hold on, wait for me kid!" He called out, breaking into his own sprint.
He followed Seth down the road until Seth made a random turn off of it and into the grass and bushes beside it. There was a bit of a dip off the side of the road that Seth headed into, and continued running.
"Will you stop running for a second?" Dean called, already out of breath. How does Seth do this?
Oh yeah.
"Fucking CrossFit." He mumbles.
But Dean follows obediently anyways. His confusion grows as the grass and bushes slowly becomes bushes and trees. Big trees. Thick trees. If Seth wasn't such an innocent kid, Dean would be forced to believe that he was leading him to his death.
But finally, Dean passed the final row of trees and was introduced to a beautiful clearing. It seemed to be almost man-made with how perfectly trimmed the grass was. The yellow dandelions covered almost as much of the land as the grass did, making the ground look sureal. There was a large pond in the center of the clearing, which was almost completely half-surrounded by large rocks, definitely adding to Dean's feeling of it being man-made.
"What the hell is this?" Dean asked.
"Isn't it amazing?" Seth said, sounding almost proud.
"How'd you find this?"
Seth started walking towards the pond, beckoning Dean to follow. "I was out walking my dog, like, two months ago, and he saw a squirrel run by and started chasing it. So I chased both of them and we ended up here."
"Hmm. Did your dog ever catch the squirrel?"
Seth smacked Dean on the arm, causing both to laugh. When they reached the pond, both Seth and Dean took a seat on a rock.
"This place is so cool. You could have some serious parties here."
Seth hit him again.
"You better not!" He said. A comfortable silence fell over them as they stared into the water. The moon reflected off of it and illuminated the clearing in a way that had Dean doubting that it was real. He was never one to give two shits about nature, but even he had to appreciate the wonder that this place held.
"Around the time that I found this place, I found out that my parents were getting a divorce." Seth suddenly said, and Dean looked at him in shock.
"What?"
Seth nodded, but didn't look back. "They didn't tell me-still haven't directly told me-but I heard them talking about it. I was about to walk into the kitchen one morning for breakfast when my dad told my mom that he'd just gotten off the phone with their divorce lawyer. He told her that they'd finally gotten everything split up, and all thats left to do it decide on a custody agreement for me, and then sign the papers."
"Shit, Seth."
Seth nodded again, and again kept his eyes from drifting over to Dean's. "I don't think they can decide on a custody agreement, and I think that's why they haven't gone through with it yet. And why they haven't told me yet. They want to have everything figured out when they finally sit me down."
"Are you gunna tell them that you already know when they do?"
"I dont think so. That would make them feel bad. I don't wanna do that."
Dean watched as Seth threw a pebble into the pond. The water rippled only slightly, before peacefully settling again. "Do you know why they're getting divorced?"
Seth shook his head, throwing another pebble. "No. They haven't mentioned it yet."
Dean wanted so badly to say something, but what could he say? Nothing would make it better; nothing would make his parents change their mind. He'd never been good at comforting people, but now he wished more than anything that he'd been blessed with such a talent. He would give anything to make Seth feel better.
Anything to get Seth smiling again.
"But anyways, the reason I'm telling you this is because, ever since I found that out, I've been coming here when I start to feel it getting to me. I don't know if anyone knows about this place, since I've never seen anyone else here, so it's nice to come here and be alone." He finally looks over at Dean, and Dean holds his breath for a moment. There's so much in Seth's eyes, he can't even begin to take it all in. "This place means a lot to me, and after seeing what that bike meant to you today, and what it meant for you to share it with someone… It made me wanna share this place with someone. With you."
"Jesus, Seth." Dean breathes. His mind is pumping into overdrive and he's finding that his palms are sweating. He doesn't understand why though. Why does his heart feel like it's on fire, while his stomach feels like it's been filled with ice? Why does he feel like time has stopped, while feeling like it's sped up quicker than he can bring himself to catch his breath?
No, he knows why. It's because it's Seth. It's always been Seth. Seth was the reason he could barely enjoy his random sex escapades the way he used to. Seth was the reason he sent that guy out of his house the night before.
Seth was the reason Dean wanted to throw all of his fucking fear out the door and kiss him.
Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him…
Seth looks up at him again, and the moonlight bounces off of his pale skin, illuminating it. Whenever Seth was looking at him, there was usually a smile on his face, but there definitely wasn't one now. In fact, Dean can't quite figure out what was gracing his face at the moment, which leads him to believe that Seth is feeling the exact same way as him. Confused. Light headed.
Like you wanna kiss the shit out of him.
But Dean caught himself. He doesn't know how, and he's almost upset that he did. Almost. But then he remembers that there has always been a reason he's never kissed anyone. He can't allow himself to do that. Not even now. Not even when Seth's looking at him like he's the only thing in the world.
"Hey, it's getting late." Dean's voice is cracking more than it ever had through puberty. "Why don't we, uh… Get you back home."
Seth blinks his eyes, as if he was trying to blink away that look, but it was still there, and Dean was thankful. He shouldn't be, but he is.
I don't want you to ever stop looking at me like that, Seth Rollins.
He knew he shouldn't want that, because he knew that he wouldn't ever be able to act on that look. Not like he wanted to.
I won't ever be able to be the guy that you think you're looking at. But please, don't ever stop looking at me like that.
"Yeah, okay." Seth says, hopping off the rock. "Let's go."
I'm so sorry, Seth. I'm so sorry.
A/N: Long wait, long title, long update. Title from the song Someone New by Banks.
Sorry for the super long wait :(