Derek returned to his makeshift bedroom after a quick hot shower to start the day. His mood was slightly elevated because didn't have a long shift today, Eight hours had he'd on his way to Joe's for a few beers. Or at least that was his plan, he knew if his day was as complicated as the last few days had been he would probably be drinking more than a few beers, either that or in bed at a time even his Grandmother would say is too early. After such a long day yesterday he had assumed he would crash out as soon as his head hit the pillow. But unfortunately he had stared at the ceiling almost until the sun came up. He had taken regular trips to the bathroom in the feign hope that Meredith might wake and he could see her for a little while, he wondered if she'd let him hold her until she fell asleep. He played out the simplest fantasy in his mind. He would ask her if he could hold her and they would lay in her bed, her body spooned into his. He would promise to leave as soon as she fell asleep. He knew in reality if he lay with her he'd probably be still at her side watching her snore until she woke. He fantasised about Addison waking up and finding him in Meredith's bed, and how she would scream and rant and tell him she can't be with him anymore and he would tell her he was sorry and she would leave, leave the house, leave the marriage, leave the city and they would talk on the phone and eventually they would become friends. And he would remain in Meredith's bed by Meredith's side listening to Meredith snore.

Happy

Of course by the time he'd finished this fantasy along with numerous other thoughts about his marriage and Meredith and oddly he'd spent a good twenty minutes trying to remember every lyric to the Clash's Every Little Bit Hurts. By the time he his brain hurt too much to think Addison was waking up and spending her usual hour and half, getting ready for work. He appreciated the effort she put into looking good and making an impression but he remembered when they were just living together and being interns had them rush off their feet, back when she didn't have an hour and a half to get ready in the morning. He remembered how tired they were back then and how things really hadn't changed in that department but most of all he remembered how beautiful she was. He remembered how she used to be able to roll out of bed and into her scrubs because the job meant more than her appearance. He could never understand why as the year's pasts she grew fonder and fonder of beauty products and pampering regimes. He could barely recall a night he came home from work and she wasn't doing her nails in front of the TV or lying in bed with ridiculous face packs on. Where had the carefree girl he fell in love with gone, and who was the woman sharing his bed. She didn't talk to him like she used to, most of her conversations started with "Do you like my new hair" or something related to the hospital. He had more often than not spent fourteen plus hours at the hospital. When he came home the last thing he wanted to discuss was work.

We sit here in the silence
Putting off what must be said

I read a book you watch T.V.
As our love dies quietly
I'm so sad I don't know what I've just read

Back when they were newlyweds they would count the hours till they could leave the hospital and be alone together in their apartment. The apartment was nice, her parents had gave it to them as a wedding gift, but they would sit for hours talking about the kind of house they would buy together one day and how many rooms they would need for their children. They would talk about things that mattered to both of them.

It was a good 4 years before they left the apartment. Derek had grown attached to the small over crowded place but Addison wanted bigger, she wanted a room for all the clothes she was now buying, clothes she barely got to wear because Gucci and scrubs weren't the best combination.

She wanted something bigger

Derek obliged and picked out a nice old house, Addison had loved it when they moved in, she seemed very content with spending her any of her time away from the hospital dressing the house up in various designs and what was initially two spare rooms became a room for clothes and a room for a nursery and then 2 rooms for her clothes. They had always talked about children. Coming from a big family Derek always assumed he would be a father one day, but they had never sat down and decided when the right time to have a child would be. He knew it bothered her because whenever she drank or got mad at him she would throw up at him that he hadn't gave her a child, that he loved the hospital more than her. He felt bad for her and he regretted never having a child but he knew rationally they didn't have time right now for children.

He even found himself fantasising about being and old dad. Once his residency was over and he assumed he'd have more flexible time being an attending as would Addison, they would then talk about conceiving. But now thinking back that time never came. Being an attending was as demanding as being a resident, his patients depended upon his undivided attention, and their lives depended on him. How could he sleep at night if he put his own wants ahead of someone's life?

What kind of doctor would that make him?

Now eleven years after he promised to have and to hold her in sickness and health, through the good and the bad. He wondered how they had gotten here. When did his marriage start to fall apart? Was it Mark, had he simply seduced her? Was it work? had that simply seduced them both?

Was it him?

He loved his marriage; he loved knowing the ring on his finger represented eleven long years of devotion. He loved that his parent's good example had rubbed off on him and he made them proud. His father was a good man, they never always saw eye to eye, and Derek was his only son so his expectations were as too be expected ... extremely high. His father had always worked hard for his family and provided everything he could but the one thing Derek admired most was that even when the hard times came and they did come, his dad would fix it. His mother wasn't the easiest person to be around at the best of times, she nagged and whined, he laughed to himself thinking perhaps he had married his mother. But even when Derek could tell she was nagging his father to the brink of insanity his dad would take a walk and clear his mind and when he returned he would--, well it didn't matter what he would do the important part was he would return. The good and the bad his father was there.

Somebody should leave
But which one should it be
you need the kids
and they need me
somebody should leave
But we hate to give in
We keep hopin' somehow
we might need each other again

He remembered one cold New York night he had gotten home from a study session later then he should have, and tiptoeing past his parents room he overheard them fighting. His mother was crying and she was threatening to leave and take Derek and his sisters with her, his father had yelled back but he couldn't recall what he said. He didn't know what started the fight but he remembered not sleeping that night, laying awake dreading the morning for fear of finding packed bags and smeared mascara on his mothers face. To his surprise he was welcomed to a regular morning at the Shepard household. His mother was cooking breakfast while his father read the paper and his sisters were yelling at each other of allocated bathroom time. He kept waiting for the bombshell to hit, he waited and he waited but nothing. He kissed his mother goodbye that morning and headed to Addison's to walk her to school.

You say goodnight
and turn to face the wall
we lay here in the darkness
and the tears start to fall

Nothing was ever said about that fight and he often wondered how many fights they had like that. How many times his mother had threatened to leave and vice versa but they never did, they stayed they fought over their differences on many occasion but the most important thing was they fought for their marriage.

How could he repay them for working so hard on their marriage to give him the right example in life by divorcing Addison? Would they even care that he loved Meredith? Would they see anything except his failings? Could he fail his father?

Somebody should leave
But we hate to give in
So let's keep hopin' we might need each other again

"Wonderful" Addison exclaimed joyously into her cell phone, smiling widely over at him as he continued to dry the back of his hair with the small towel in his hand.

"The trailer will be fit to live in this afternoon ... I use the word fit objectively" She continued smiling. She never thought she would ever want to move back into the trailer. But after a few days of living with the woman of her husband's dreams, the trailer looked pretty cool.

"Can you pack up our things after your shift and drive them back to the trailer" She asked him while fastening the clasp below her ankle to her new heels the day suddenly looking cheery for her. "Oh and can you do the husband thing and fix my flat" She smirked playfully at him through her deep red locks. Her eyes casually trailing down his bare chest, Mark was sexy but she wondered why she ever desired someone else when this body, this man was in her bed every night. Derek noticed the wanting gleam to her eyes and quickly picked up his light blue shirt and put it on, the fabric sticking to his still damp skin.

"If you're the best husband in the world, you can also pick up some wine and put it on ice for when I get home around ten?"

"If you were the best wife –"Derek started, quickly dampening her playful manner.

"I thought we were trying to work past all that Derek?" she spoke now sounding like the woman he'd been married too for the last few years

Derek remained silent, buttoning up his shirt and pulling his jumper navy jumper over his head.

"We will get away from Meredith Grey and everything will be fine" Addison assured with false hope and determination

"Who were you talking to one the phone yesterday?" Derek asked, blatantly avoiding the topic of Meredith, who he could hear pottering around her room, yelling at Izzie to lower the radio down.

"What?"

"Yesterday, you were on the phone to someone" He explained

"It is the twenty first century I do have and use my phone numerous times a day Derek"

"You told someone about our conversation at lunchtime" he added

"Were you spying on me?" Addison defensively snapped.

"No Meredith--" he spoke without thinking.

"Meredith? What does she have to do-- ... Was she listening to my phone calls and running back to you?" Addison was now yelling, her second hell strap forgotten and flapping softly onto her foot.

"Yes Addy she was spying on you ... Don't be over dramatic, she heard you somehow I don't know ... forget it, I don't care who you were talking to" He turned his back to her and picked up his blackberry,

"We are not going to stand any chance at all if she is coming between us Derek. You're girlfriend will cost us our marriage" Derek spun, his eyes enraged.

"You cost us our marriage. You in bed with my best friend"

"How many times do I have to apologise Derek? ... I really could do with a fixed number so I know I am getting somewhere"

"Your apologies are weightless Addison ... weightless. You could never apologise enough"

With one last sigh of anger Derek left the room

Addison quickly finished dressing, she took one look in the mirror so make sure her make-up wasn't smeared and she left the house without breakfast.

Standing in the front garden, she tightened her long black coat around her and cursed that her car was broke. Taking a loud heeled step she began to walk to work.

Ring

Addison pulled her phone from her pocket fast,

"Derek!" She signed into the phone, the cold air tingled her fingers as she held the phone to her ear

"No it's the good looking one" Addison began to walk faster from Meredith's house

"Mark" She stated his name disappointingly

"You even sound like cold ... That city is dreadful" he moaned half joking

"It's a good job you don't live here then isn't it" Addison smarted off dryly, crossing the busy morning road

"About that—"

HONK

"Keep driving jerk" Addison yelled after a jeep that she almost walked into.

"Mark stop calling me, I gave you your chance and you screwed it up," She warned him "and that woman" she added for good measure

With that she clicked her phone shut with a heavy sign and carried on walking.

"Derek" Meredith gasped as he ran directly into her in the hallway. Derek ignored her and stormed into the bathroom, with Meredith following behind

"Did you do it?" she asked directly, jumping to assumptions

It's your call, It's her
Would you rather take it in the other room
She's hangin' on and so am I
Yeah, I know all about it don't act so surprised

"Not now Meredith" He dismissed her, splashing his face with cold water

"I kinda need to know if your wife is going to kick me with her very expensive, very pointy heels"

"Not now" He snapped again, his head lowered into his chest as he leant against the sink

"Don't yell at me Derek ... don't yell at me" she snapped back at him, "Your wife is down the hall, I could hear you fighting with her. You owe me and explanation"

It's time to end this game you're playin'
She's not the only one who's waitin' on the line

"I can't do this Meredith" he startled her by finally speaking, his tone sullen and broken."I can't deal with my marriage and you at the same time. It is too hard ... life shouldn't be this hard" Meredith touched her hand delicately to his hunched back,

"Don't comfort me Meredith" he spoke bluntly, his tortured eyes meeting her slowly saddening ones in the mirror. Meredith slowly lowered her hand

"I feel like I am drowning again" he admitted heartbreakingly

It's your call
It's up to you
And I won't try to stop you if you go
But if you stay tell her goodbye
I can't take another minute
I can't stand another night

Of wondering if I even matter
it's something only you can answer
here's the phone, It's your call

"Only this time you're not my air, you were right when I left you and you said that I had used you because of my marriage. You were right ... I didn't lie to you, everything about us was real ... is real, but yes I used you, I met you and you made me feel like a free man, a new man. You made me feel like the man I wanted to be when I grew up. I used you for that feeling, I adored you and I wanted to be with you forever, but I still used you" His voice broke with emotion as the mirror showed Meredith begin to cry, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she fought it. He wanted to hug her to make it better but he couldn't make his body turn to face her,

"I don't have that feeling anymore ... No that's wrong" He questioned himself "I do feel the same, that hasn't changed, but with Addison here I can't enjoy it. I can't enjoy you" he finally turned and Meredith took a step back to avoid touching him

"I can't love you like you need me to" Derek had meant that he couldn't express his love like he meant but Meredith had taken him completely wrong an thought he was saying he couldn't love her

"You're not leaving her?" Meredith asked trying desperately to forget what he had just said, before she wept

"That isn't the point, Meredith I can't make that decision accurately with you on my mind all the time. Worrying about hurting you, afraid of losing you ... I need to know if I leave my marriage it is because I can't fix it ... not because of you"

"Meredith if I didn't have my feelings for you ... If I didn't have you, I don't know if I would leave her"

"She cheated Derek ... Stop torturing yourself" Meredith pleaded

"She is my wife" He gasped

"What am I Derek?"

The love of my life was his initial thought but he stopped himself from causing her more pain by dangling his affections in front of her.

"You're the woman I wish I met before my marriage" He smiled sadly

"If you do this Derek, if you walk away, I'm done ... I get your reasons you are all very noble and crap but I swear to god—" She inhaled quick and deep "You are losing me, you're losing us. I can't do this anymore either. I have said I couldn't do this a hundred times over and you have convinced me to wait for you, I am not waiting for you" Even as the words left her mouth she knew they weren't really true. She hated the truth, because the truth was—

She would wait forever

There's no easy way out this time
Cause I won't live this way
She called here to talk to you
With a message that I can't take

Oh, I've got to know if I still matter
It's somethin' only you can answer
Here's the phone, It's your call