Apologies

"Hi there," Alice said with a quiet little smile on Wednesday. It had been the longest I hadn't talked to her since before my birthday. It had also been the longest since I hadn't spoken to Edward since the concert.

I didn't like it. I didn't like one bit.

"Hey," I answered back, letting her into her apartment. "I'm sorry I freaked out on Halloween."

"It's okay. It happens." She shrugged, sitting down on my couch. I sat down as well, crossing my ankles. "Have you...?"

"I haven't spoken to Edward since then," I answered, looking down at my lap.

"I kind of figured. I want to let you know, I might tease you about him but I'm on your side. Always. I'm also on his side though. I don't want anyone to hurt. I love you both. And I want both of you to do what is best for you."

"Thank you," I whispered, taking a deep breath. "Yeah."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to let him move on. He deserves that."

"What?" Alice said, her eyes large. "Really?"

"Yeah. I'm going to call him and tell him that I want to be his friend and only his friend. I'm not going to flirt with him and I'm not going to make it hard on him."

"Bella, I don't think that's a good idea. You might regret it later."

"But, Alice I don't want him to waste his time waiting for someone who's not ready to be what he needs. He's young and he needs to find someone young to be with. He... He wasted a lot of time when he was a teenager on self-pity. I don't want him to waste his adult life on mine."

"But, Edward... He..." She just shook her head. "Do me a favor, okay? Let it simmer for a while before you tell him? Give it time to cool."

"It won't make a difference," I warned her. She just shrugged.

"It may or may not. But, I think it's a good idea. If it changes nothing than it doesn't matter anyway, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so," I agreed with a shrug.

"So," Alice began, changing the subject. "Marked anything else off the list?"

"I saw a double feature with my Dad. That's about it. But, I have decided I would like to do another one this week," I informed her.

"Hm?" She said, leaning back against the couch, cocking her head to the side.

"I'm going to get a tattoo. Now that I've returned my color back to my hardcore boring brown, I need something to counteract that," I laughed at her surprised face. "What?"

"I never thought you would actually do that one!"

"Why?" I asked. Alice just shrugged. "I even know what I'm going to get and where."

"Oh! This I gotta know. So, what are you getting?"

I went to my desk and grabbed my laptop, coming back to sit down. It only took me a couple of seconds to bring up the picture. It was the symbol for my company that was on my website. It was an outline of a swan with a hidden B in it that no one noticed unless I pointed out. It was me. "That."

"Oh! Perfect! And that's so pretty. Where are you putting it?"

"Well, I want to be able to hide it so I'm going to put it on my right hip. No one will probably even accidentally see it unless I show it to them. I think it'll even be covered if I wear a two-piece."

"No if. When. Girl, you are almost there."

I shrugged, "yeah."

"I'm going to make you," Alice stated bluntly before smiling largely, leaning into me. "So when are you going to get this tattoo?"

"Tonight."

"Tonight and you weren't going to call me!?" She gasped, faking hurt. "Honestly, this is an important day in a girl's life. Her first tattoo is a special thing. Every girl remembers her first one."

I laughed, poking her side. "Oh, and what was your first one?"

"I have a cake tattooed onto my ass. It was a birthday present of sorts for Jasper."

"Are you serious?" I laughed again. "That is awesome. Were you baked at the time?"

"No!" She slapped my arm and I snorted. "No. It was right before the first bakery opened. It's really cute. It's three layers with pink frosting and a big cherry on top. You should have seen Jasper's face the first time he saw it. He licked it."

"I did not need to know that," I shuddered. "I can't imagine how sore your ass must have been."

"It's still sore every now and again. Jasper usually aims for the cake when we-" I smacked her hard on the thigh, making her fall over with laughter. "He likes to see it jiggle." I smacked her again, laughing myself.

"You are so bad," I rolled my eyes.

When she finally stopped laughing Alice cleared her throat, sitting up. "So, really. You want to go get it tonight?"

"Yeah, I would."

"Do you want me to go?" She asked me seriously. I smiled and nodded, leaning over and hugging her tightly.

"Thank you for being my friend."

"Thank you for keeping me company while Jasper has other things to do," she giggled, squeezing me tightly. "Honestly, he's so busy right now. I don't know what I would do without you."

"I'm glad I entertain you," I answered back sarcastically.

"Me, too." She smiled a shit eating grin, her eyes were so bright and playful. "Want to eat first?"

"Um, no. I'm worried if I eat first I'll throw it up all over the tattoo artist. That would be so bad," I answered. "I should probably change into sweatpants before we go."

"As much as I hate them, I agree," Alice said. "We'll get the food to go afterward so no one sees you in your jammies."

I changed my clothes into sleep pants, flannel ones that made Alice gag, and a tee shirt and a pair of flip-flops. Pulling my hair up into a ponytail, I prepared myself for the pain. My hand trembled, the paper with the picture of my design shaking as it did. Alice was driving, not like she ever let me drive anyway.

I actually did a lot of research the night before to figure out where I wanted to go. There was a ton of tattoo shops in the Dallas area but a few stood out. I finally picked one, a newer shop with a great reputation and no complaints with the better business association.

The shop's parking lot was empty except for a single car. When we walked in a guy was playing a video game on a big screen television in the reception area.

"Hey, welcome to Scaredy tatts," he said, not even looking up. "What can I help you with?"

"Um, I'd like to get a tattoo," I answered. When he heard my voice he paused his game and looked at me. A big grin spread over his face, standing up quickly.

"Cool! Alright. Well, I'm Pauly," the man said. He was pretty good looking, short but muscular with dark skin and hair. He had beautiful tattoos up and down his arms and a piercing in his lips. He wasn't my normal type but he wasn't too bad looking either. "What would you like to get today?"

"I have a picture I was hoping you could do," I said, handing him the paper. He puckered out his bottom lip, playing with his lip ring. "Is it possible?"

"Oh, hell yeah. This is awesome. I can do that. Where would you like it?"

I pulled down my pants slightly, circling my hip with my finger to show him. "Right here. Is that okay?"

He laughed, "it's your tattoo, princess. Is this your first?"

"Yeah. How can you tell?"

"First timers ask. Regulars tell. That's okay, I'll be gentle." He winked at me playfully. "Okay, first I'm going to need to see your ID. Then have you fill out this sheet and pay while I'm getting all set up."

"How much?" I asked. I really had no idea.

"Um, this? About this size, two by two on your hip? I'd say fifty. Sound good?"

Since I figured it would be at least double that, hell yes. I nodded my head as I pulled out my ID and credit card. I handed it over to him and he smiled and chuckled. "What?"

"Nothing. This just explains the tattoo, Ms. Swan. Very nice. Alrighty. Let's get this thing going."

My handwriting was normally awful, but my hands were shaking so badly when I did my signature at the bottom of the permission slip that I barely recognized my own name. Alice came up behind me and rubbed my back.

"You know, you can not do this. No one is forcing you."

"I know that. But, I want to. I'm just nervous. You know how I am with blood!"

"Alright, baby. I'm ready for you," the tattoo artist said. He held up his needle, showing me that everything was fresh out the package as I laid out on his chair for him. "Pulls those pants down for me. Just a bit past your ass."

Oh yes, I turned red. Alice giggled. "Hey, I laid bare ass naked on my stomach when I had mine done," she explained. "For like an hour and a half."

"Was it a guy?" Pauly asked her. Alice nodded. "Lucky bastard. Anyway," he cleared his throat, smiling at me warmly. He was actually really comforting. "Let me know if it gets too much or if you need a break. This should be really quick. I'm going to do the outline first, which will hurt more but then I'll fill in the lines with a smaller one. It'll be pretty quick. Are we good?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I nodded. He applied the outline to my hip. It looked like a temporary tattoo that you got from a gumball machine. I just thought they did it by looking. This made me feel a little bit better. When he got it into place he asked if it was in the right spot. I just nodded, feeling a lump grow in my throat.

"Okay. Why don't you hold her hand, cupcake?" Pauly said, dipping the big vibrating pen in the black ink cup that little like a thimble.

I was so nervous I just laughed. Alice giggled, taking my hand and rubbing the top of my head soothingly. "How did you know what I got done?" She asked playfully. He had the needle an inch from my skin when she said that. He pulled back and looked at her, shocked.

"Really?" Alice nodded. He chuckled, shaking his head as he got back into position. "Okay. Now, relax and breath. Take deep breaths through your nose."

"Son of a bitch-mother fucker-fuckity-OW," I shouted as it touched my skin. Pauly laughed, wiping away the extra ink before continuing. "Sorry."

"I've seen big old biker's cry. Go ahead and cuss, I don't mind," he said, bringing it back to my skin again. "Just don't take a swing at me. You have no idea how much that sucks."

"Who's dumb enough to take a swing at the man with the big needle in his hand?" Alice asked, perplexed. I would have asked it myself but I was too busy trying not to cry like a baby at the pain in my hip. I was such a wimp.

"You'd be surprised," he muttered, wiping again. "Alright, time for the filler. The hard part is over."

"Thank god," I whined, taking a deep breath and looking up at the ceiling. I didn't have to look to know that I was bleeding. I could smell the irony coppery metal salt scent. I could taste it on my tongue.

"So, what do you want to eat for dinner?" Alice asked as a way to distract me. I bit my lip, considering it for a moment. I needed something healthy but that would make me feel good.

"Sushi," I answered. "We'll get it to go. I have soy sauce and green tea at home."

"Yum," the tattoo artist said, swiping at my hip with a paper towel. "Try that place just up the street. The one with the big neon fish. They have the best sushi. We've got a card for them if you want to go ahead and order. You'll be done in a few minutes."

"Sounds good," I breathed out. Alice got my order and grabbed the card from the board in the reception area before going outside to call where it was quieter.

"So, what made you decide to get your first tattoo?" Pauly asked, his eyes focused on his work.

"Turning thirty," I laughed, "I made a list of all the things I wanted to do and this is one of them."

"That's awesome. What else is on your list?"

I instantly flushed, "a little bit of everything. I've gotten about twenty things done out of fifty. I've got a ways to go."

"So what does your man think of this or does he know yet?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't have one," I whispered, biting my bottom lip.

"Mm," he said, wiping away some more ink before sitting up. "Well, when you get one I'm sure he's going to love it. It's sexy," he winked at me. "If I were single I know I'd be asking for your number right now."

I laughed, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, okay."

"I'm serious," he said, putting the needle down. "But," he raised his hand up, showing me his silver ring. "Got married recently. Whoever gets to see that though will be a lucky one."

I flushed like an idiot. "Thanks."

"Welcome. Always good to give pretty ladies compliments. You're all done!" He said, offering me his hand to help me stand. I did so slowly, my hip aching. I bit my lip as I looked in the mirror, surprised at how much I liked it. It was still bleeding though. "Let me bandage it and I'll give you a sheet of instructions on how to take care of it."

Just as he was finishing and I was pulling my pants up, Alice came back in. "Everything is ordered and they said it should be ready in about fifteen minutes."

"Awesome," I answered before turning to the tattoo artist. "Thank you so much. It really is beautiful."

"Aw! You're done! I want to see," Alice said behind me. I rolled my eyes.

"When we get home, woman," I said, waving her off. Pauly laughed, shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm glad you like it. If you have any questions or anything feel free to call. And if you need another tattoo, I'm your man."

We picked up the food and came back to my apartment. It was a little odd to eat dinner at the kitchen table with Alice. We had always gone out or eaten at her place. "Bella, can I ask you about Edward?"

"What about him?" I said, dunking my shrimp tempura roll in soy sauce with a little bit of wasabi.

"Are you...?" She trailed off, frowning. "Why? I mean, I can tell you like him."

"Because he deserves better. He's gone through too much. And by the way, why the hell didn't you tell me about that? That he used to be larger?"

"Because he told me not to. Bella, he's... he's really into you. He doesn't want some make-believe better girl. He wants you."

"Alice, I want him to move on. I want to be his friend, but he needs to have a girl that can be everything he needs," I explained.

"But, you-" I gave her a pointed look. "Alright. Fine. I just think he's the one for you. You're for each other. But, I won't push it."

"We both need to move on," I said, shaking my head. "In fact, I need your help."

"I don't like the sounds of that," Alice sighed, taking a bite of her crab salad. "What is it?"

"Set me up on a blind date."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't want it to lead to anything," I began to explain. "I just want to mark it off my list. It'll be a good point to start from. And I can't set myself up on a blind date."

"Bella," Alice frowned, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why?"

"You know why," she stated. I frowned at her, taking a big drink of my green tea. "Is this what you want?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Fine. I'll try but I won't make any promises."

After Alice, I went to my computer to check my email. It had been a grand total of five hours and I was going through withdrawals. For once I didn't have any spam mail but I did have something from Edward. It wasn't titled.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to push you and I don't want to come off as harsh but I stand by what I said. I don't want to be toyed with.

I want you. You and only you. You are beautiful. You always were. You always will be.

I don't like not talking to you."

I felt a tear slip down my cheek. I sniffled loudly, rubbing it away before I replied back.

"I don't like not talking to you either.

I promise I won't toy with you anymore.

Thank you for caring about me."

After I closed my computer I went to my kitchen and took an aspirin. I needed more than that, but I didn't want to drink. I rubbed some unscented lotion onto my right hip, my skin stinging. I went to bed with low riding panties and a tank top, and nothing else. It was going to be an uncomfortable night.

Edward crawled into bed beside me, just wearing jeans. He rubbed his hand over my stomach, not speaking as he pushed the comforter down.

"Edward?"

"Why do you want to hurt yourself?" He asked, looking down at my hip. He pushed my tank top up, rolling me to my left side. "Why do you want to feel pain?"

"It doesn't hurt much," I answered, thinking about the tattoo.

"That's a lie," he stated bluntly. "And it's only going to get worse."

"It's fine," I said, shaking my head. I didn't understand what he was getting at.

"You're-"

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

What the hell?

I snapped up out of bed, trying to find the source of the annoying sound. I wasn't sure if I was glad that it woke me up or not. I finally found my phone, still thinking about the dream I just had. My mother was calling. At midnight.

"Hello?" I grunted.

"Hey, baby girl!" She said happily. "Did I wake you?"

"It's twelve o'clock at night. Responsible adults are usually in bed at this time," I growled. If nothing was wrong then I was just annoyed that she woke me up.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot about the time difference."

"Time difference. Where the hell are you at?" I asked, rubbing the back of my neck.

"Washington! Phil took me to Seattle. Isn't that great?"

"Peachy, mom. What do you need?"

"Can't I call my baby girl and check up on her?"

"At midnight, no," I said sarcastically. "Why don't we chat in the morning? I'll send you an email."

"Your dad told me that you lost a lot of weight," she began, grabbing my attention. "Are you sick?"

"No!" I laughed.

"You can tell your mom the truth," she said in her I'm trying to make you feel guilty voice. It never worked on me. I don't know why she tried.

"I am. I've been eating healthy and exercising every day. You know, trying to live a better life. Some of us are not naturally skinny like you. Mom, I'm fine. I'm great."

"Then why are you so grumpy?" She asked.

"Because you woke me up," I rolled my eyes in the darkness. I fell back on my pillows, cuddling up with my comforter.

"Your dad said something about a boy as well. Would you like to talk about it?"

"There is nothing to talk about. That problem is all solved. Mom, we'll talk in the morning. I swear it. Now, can I go back to sleep?"

If I had thought about, I would have asked why she was talking to my dad. They barely spoke. Maybe twice a year, if that.

"I suppose," she sighed in annoyance. My relationship with my mother became more strained by the year. As I got older and became more mature than her, I tired of her petty high school I'm the best attitude. "Goodnight, Bella."

"Night," I said, slapping my phone shut.

Of course, I couldn't sleep after that. My hip hurt and so did my head. I was a little sharp with my mother, I would admit that. I was still a little mad that she forgot about my birthday. I would apologize in the morning.

I went into the kitchen and got more medicine. Grabbing a bottle of water, I sat down at my computer. Honestly, my obsession with checking my mail was probably getting a little out of hand. But, I always seem to have emails to check.

Like Edward's reply to my email.

What does that mean, Bella?

I sighed, slamming my head down on the desk. I wish I knew the answer to that question.

New tattoo, yay!

Thanks for reading!