A/N - I am posting this at 4am in the morning, sadly wide awake after nursing a flatmate through a panic attack. Oh the joys of being a nurse! Thanks and I hope that you keep reading and reveiwing like oyu all have been!
Chapter Ten – The Blue Butterfly
When Sara went in for her first dose of chemo, she knew that she was being closely watched. Laura was sitting beside her, Geoff was just outside the door and Laura had to call Grissom as soon as it was done. Sara felt a little like she was in prison, minus the high barbed walls and wardens with guns. She watched the nurse set up the drip with practiced ease, inserting the end of it into the IV line on the back of Sara's hand. She had never felt the sensation quite like the one she was having right then as the drug slipped into her system. She felt it tingle up her arm over and over again, almost as if she had pins and needles. Amazingly, she managed to have a sleep while she was waiting for the drugs to settle in her system. Laura never left her side and helped her into the wheelchair and into her room after it was all over and Sara sat back and waited for the side effects that she knew would be coming. The first wave of vomiting hit an hour later and she spent the next three throwing up what little food she had had for breakfast that morning. The orange juice, toast and oatmeal made an interesting kaleidoscope of colors as it emerged from her throat and into the bright red bucket that the hospital had kindly provided. When the vomiting finally ceased, she felt exhausted. Every muscle ached and complained and her head hummed painfully. She tried to sleep but nothing happened and when the doctor finally did arrive, so time later, all she wanted to do was go home and sleep on her own bed.
"Hello Miss Sidle how are you feeling?"
"Exhausted. When can I go home?"
"Tomorrow. We need to see how you react to the chemo first"
"I've been vomiting for the last three hours, what more do you need to know?"
"Miss Sidle, this is a slow progress, you need to be patient. I'll be back to see you in the morning"
With that he left the room. Sara decided to make herself comfortable on the stiff, white sheets and wait for morning to come. After all, what else could she do?
The next few weeks passed with little or no trouble from the chemo. Then just as suddenly, the side effects of this supposed wonder drug hit her harder then anything that she had ever had before. She could hardly even get out of her bed in the morning. Laura had to help her shower and Sara was as weak as a kitten. She could do almost nothing for herself. It only truly sunk in when one morning while Laura was washing her hair, she watched in horror as a large clump was washed down the drain. Laura swore under her breath.
"It's ok Honey, it was only a little bit."
"Lu, it was half of my hair"
"No it's ok. We can cover it up"
Her hair started falling out by the clumps after that. Her eyebrows disappeared, as did her arm, leg and pubic hair. She felt like a bald little bird. When Grissom visited her for the first time, she could see the shock on his face as he took in her sunken face and vast hair loss. He had smiled and given her a bunch of flowers, enduring with patient smiles Laura drilling him about whether or not he had been sick recently; after all she could not be exposed to that. Her low immune system could be the difference between making it out of this alive or not. She had seen the same reactions on the rest of the teams faces when they to came to see her. They had each tried their best to cheer her up but nothing really worked. Warrick and Nick had brought every kind of food that she was allowed, trying to tempt her into eating something, anything that would boost her strength. Greg told her jokes trying to jog her smile or pull a laugh from her sore beaten body and Catherine had done what she did best of all; mothering. She and Laura made an awesome tag team, splitting the cleaning, cooking and general care that Sara needed neatly down the middle. Catherine offered to shower Sara but she refused. There were something's that a work mate should not be made to do and thanks to their long, rather drunken friendship, Laura had seen it all before as had Geoff. And if she was perfectly honest with herself, she trusted them a little more then she trusted the others. Maybe it was the length of time they had spent together or the amount of things that had gone through to get to this point, either way, she wanted Laura or Geoff to shower her, no one else needed to see her horribly demented body. Not the way it was now. One day, on a purely practical note, Sara had handed Laura Geoff's hair clippers and instructed her friend to shave the remainder of her hair off. Laura had protested but Sara stuck to her guns, pointing out that she was sick of waking up in a pillow created of her hair. So when Sara faced Grissom next, she ignored the shocked expression that came over him again as he was faced with her shiny, hairless head.
In the following weeks, her nails weakened and fell off, she lost her voice continuously and she was constantly thirsty. Her vision blurred and she started to lose her memory of what had happened the previous days. Laura and Geoff were constantly there, gently reminding her of what she had forgotten. She had forgotten how good the sun felt on her face when Geoff decided to take her for a nice long walk around the park near her home in her wheelchair. She almost cried when she saw the children running and playing, the complete innocence and freedom almost taking her over. Small things that she usually took for granted became things that she now treasured dearly. Like fresh sheets, clean clothes and the smell of fresh popcorn. Not that she could eat it but the smell was enough for her at the moment. The weeks merged into months and soon it was close to Christmas. Laura and Geoff decided not to make a huge deal of it and made a small, plain dinner, trying to get Sara to eat. She managed two mouthfuls of potatoes and a few mouthfuls of roast beef before she was too tried and too full to do anything more. Presents from the rest of the team were dropped off but never opened. Just before they proceeded with the opening of presents, Sara had a dizzy spell that was much more then any other that she had had.
"Laura?"
"Yeah Hon?"
"I think you need to call an ambulance"
Sara collapsed onto the floor, falling into a black abyss.
When she woke up, the room was dark and she was surrounded by machines that monitored her heart rate and breathing. There was no one else in the room with her and she examined the back of her hands, finding herself attached to two different IV's, God only knows what they were pumping into her now. She kept falling in and out of sleep, her head throbbing with some long forgotten pain. When she woke up, Grissom was sitting beside her, his head in his hands.
"Grissom?"
Grissom raised his head and stood, coming closer to her and taking her hand in his.
"Sara, you gave us a fright. How are you feeling?"
"Tired and sore. What happened?"
"A combination of dehydration and being undernourished. Apparently it's common in chemo patients."
"I didn't get to open your present"
Grissom smiled at her and lifted a large box off the floor.
"Lucky that I went to your house and picked it up isn't it?"
He helped her sit up, arranging the pillows behind her back. He placed the box on her lap and watched as she undid the ribbon before pulling off the paper. Inside was an large black photo album with gold lined pages.
"What's this?"
"Look inside and find out"
Sara did as she was told, carefully opening the pages. Inside were old battered pictures of her, Laura and Geoff, things that she had long since forgotten. Page after page held long forgotten memories but it was the final few pages that tugged at her heart strings. A large group shot of the entire team smiled up at her paired with scribbled get well messages from everyone, including a very formal one from Ecklie. On the final page a surge of happy memories washed over her as she looked at the picture. It was the picture that had been taken at the paint war farm.
"Grissom, this is wonderful. How did you track down all these pictures?"
"Laura had most of them and the school ones I found on the website."
"It must have taken a while"
"Not really. It was amazing what you can do if you need a distraction."
Sara placed the album carefully on the table beside her, sighing as she sunk further into the bed.
"I want to go home."
"You should be able to tomorrow. How are things going at home anyway?"
"Fine. Aside from the fact I can't shower myself, eat like a normal person or hold a book for long periods of time, I'm great."
"You'll get better Sara."
"But what if I don't? What if this cancer gets the better of me?"
"It won't Sara."
"But what if it does? Then what? Its cancer Grissom, it's not like I have a choice in the matter"
"Yes you do have a choice. You fight it"
"I can't fight something that I cannot see. I cannot fight if I don't have the energy to do so Grissom. I'm so tired all I want to do is quit."
"Well you don't have that luxury."
"It's my choice. I am honestly considering stopping the chemo. It's not working."
"And how do you know that?"
"Because I don't feel better. I'm as weak as a kitten and as bald as Ecklie. It's not doing any good."
"At least wait for the doctor to examine you Sara. You can't make a decision like that without knowing what the consequences will be."
"I don't need them to see me. I know what I want and that is to stop the chemo. It's not making me better, it's making me worse."
Before Grissom could argue any further, a doctor walked into the room, Sara's thick file under his arm.
"Miss Sidle, how are you feeling?"
"Fine. What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing that an overnight stay won't fix."
"Doctor, I want to stop the chemo treatments"
Gone was the friendly face as a frown took over. The old doctor took a seat next to Sara, his face grave.
"With the chemo, you have an 85 of living through this. Without it, the cancer will rage and you're rates drop to just 15. Miss Sidle, if you want to live, you need to continue with the chemo."
"This is not living."
"Things will get better. You have another six months on the drug before you will be in remission and then you will never have to be faced with it again."
"Unless the cancer comes back."
"The likelihood of that happening is very low. I'm here to examine you and see just how much we have affected the cancer cells in your breasts."
Grissom was torn between slipping from the room and staying where he was, wanting to offer her all the support he could. Sara said nothing as she struggled to remove her shirt, Grissom leaning forward to help her out. Even though she was wearing an undershirt, he could see her ribs outlined clearly beneath the fabric. Her arms were like twigs and her skin looked like thin tissue paper. He looked away when she removed her undershirt, keeping his eyes firmly on the bed sheets.
"Ok Miss Sidle lets have a look"
Sara closed her eyes as the doctor touched her chest, gently examining her breasts and the skin surrounding them.
"I can't feel any new lumps but we'll get you in for a mammogram and an x-ray just to be sure."
The doctor warmed up his stethoscope before placing it on her bony chest and back, checking the rate of her heart and the clarity of her breathing.
"Everything sounds fine. I'll set up the last of the checks for this afternoon and then you'll be home free tomorrow, ok?"
Sara nodded as she struggled to put her clothes on. Only when she managed to get her undershirt on, Grissom looked up again and helped her with her shirt. The doctor said his good byes before leaving the pair alone.
"Six more months of torture and pain. Got something to look forward to then."
"I'm going to give Laura a call ok?"
"Where is she?"
"The doctors. I have no idea why though. She told me to call you as soon as we found out what was going on."
"Tell her she needs to be here first thing in the morning or else I'll discharge myself and cab home."
"You will do no such thing. She'll be here. Get some rest."
Grissom stood and paused for a moment before leaning forward and giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. It was disturbing just how skinny she had gotten he could feel her cheek bones hard against his lips. He could not wait until things were back to the way they were before.