Disclaimer: Still don't own Kingdom Hearts *sigh*

Author's Note: So, we've officially entered into the double digits. Exciting, no? I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet, seeing as how the last author's note was massive. This chapter was written immediately after I wrote chapter 9, but I tweaked it a bit before uploading because I'm a perfectionist. Ha ha. This chapter is entirely a flashback. I'm sorry that the fluff has temporarily disappeared from this story, but I promise it'll be back very soon. Bear with me my dears! Love you all!

P.S. I'm in the planning stages for a few different fics at the moment. Before too long I'm sure you'll see something new by me pop up. :)

If freshman year in high school was when it all began, then junior year was definitely when the chaos ensued.

Xemnas had taken me under his wing, so to speak. He had begun to take me and Yuffie to parties of his own, parties with much older patrons; colleges students. Yuffie didn't seem to mind, in fact she was ecstatic. She was practically putty in Xemnas' fingers now. The appeal of being able to brag about hanging out with so many college guys to all of her friends had her drunk with admiration for the man. Being that Yuffie was around so many guys all the time, I had just assumed that we weren't exclusive. These assumptions were confirmed over and over again once we started hanging out with Xemnas. I would walk in on her making out with some random guy all the time; I'd even caught her in bed with someone else before. Surprisingly, it bothered me a lot less than I thought it would. I mean honestly, the two of us weren't exactly in a super relationship. Her interest in me had dwindled greatly, and mine had pretty much stayed the same (which wasn't much to begin with).

Another thing that had changed greatly when I started hanging out with Xemnas was my outlook on the party life. Before, it had seemed like a chore to tag along with Yuffie to these countless events where people drank beer, acted stupid, and made out all over the house. Almost made one lose all confidence in the human race. It was slightly revolting. Xemnas was quick to inform me that I had been looking at things all wrong. To him, these were times for us to cast aside all of our previous notions of "right and wrong" and simply do what we felt compelled to do. Live for the moment. Listen to your heart. I guess you could compare it to that.

I had my first hangover the night after I shook hands with Xemnas. I had drunk very little alcohol before that night, as I was almost always the designated driver for Yuffie and her friends. Besides, its taste was far from tempting. Xemnas felt compelled to change my point of view on this as well.

"You'll learn to like the taste Roxas, but the real catch is what it does to you. Alcohol can erase all of your fears, all of your worries; make you into an entirely different person. Don't you want that, Roxas?"

After the first two shots, I could feel myself loosening up greatly. I began to talk with all sorts of people that I had barely said three words to before. I felt myself growing more confident, and I liked it. I was suddenly surrounded by people. Friends. My friends. Not Sora's, not Yuffie's, mine.

Sora had walked into our bathroom the next morning to see me praying to the porcelain god. I pushed myself up with all of my strength and groggily peered at him from over the toilet. He frowned before turning to leave, and I suddenly felt a feeling in my stomach that had nothing to do with the alcohol. Still, I proceeded to throw up again.

It was two weeks later that I had my first joint. We were back in the house that Xemnas and I had shaken hands in, back where I had first consumed copious amounts of alcohol in one sitting. The two of us were sitting on the couch again, beers in hand, when he beckoned for another male to come over. This man was one I had seen before. He had long, blue hair and piercing yellow eyes; much like Xemnas', but much less appealing. Was I suggesting that I found Xemnas appealing? I shook my head to rid myself of these thoughts, but abruptly stopped as I felt a light tap on my shoulder. Xemnas was smiling that positively devilish smile at me as he held a thin, white item in-between his pointer finger and thumb. I looked up to see that the blue-haired man had one as well.

Xemnas reached towards me, offering me a smoke. "Here Roxas, try this stuff. You won't regret it," he said. I had definitely never tried any sort of drugs before, not even tobacco. I was slightly skeptical about trying marijuana, but Xemnas made sure to reassure me. "Trust me Roxas, you're gonna feel great. It really clears your head," he added. I could already see his pupils dilating.

That was my first high. I loved the feeling, and I wanted more. Xemnas and his friend with the blue hair (I later learned his name was Saix) showed me how to roll my own, and before long I was a pro.

It was a month after that when I lost my virginity.

We were at a different house this time. Actually, it was practically a mansion. Someone's parents were on a business trip and so the house was free for the whole weekend. In other words, it was party time.

I had become pretty well-acquainted with the regular party goers by now. Most everyone knew me by name by now. I was surrounded by people almost constantly. Whether it was talking, dancing, drinking, whatever, people just seemed to want to be around me; and damn did it feel good.

It was a rare moment in which Xemnas and I were sitting alone on the balcony when he turned and asked me, "You're a virgin aren't you, Roxas?"

I choked on the half-empty beer I had been drinking and had to cough and splutter for a few minutes before responding, rather embarrassed. "Well, yeah," I said, rubbing the back of my head nervously. I looked up at Xemnas to gauge his reaction, but all he did was smile at me before disappearing into the house. Curious, I watched him as he approached a tall, blonde girl. She looked at him with slight interest as he leaned forward and whispered something into her ear. He pulled away and pointed at me and her eyes locked with mine. A sly smile crept onto her pale face as she set her drink down and walked towards me. Feeling slightly anxious, I looked around for some sort of escape. I had no clue what Xemnas had said to this woman and now she was staring like me like I was her prey. It was mere seconds before she was standing right in front of me, heavily made-up face obstructing my entire vision.

"Hi there cutie," she said with a wink. "Your friend there tells me you're looking for a good time tonight."

I searched my mind frantically for words, but the alcohol and lack of experience with women had combined forces in order to make me look like a complete and total idiot.

"Um, well I don't know. I just–," I began, but was cut off when a plump set of cherry-red lips came down and captured mine in a demanding kiss. I just stood there, shocked. I had never had any experience with anyone this forward before. The girl didn't seem to mind though, she quickly took charge of the kiss and skillfully slid her tongue in-between my lips. Not knowing what else to do, I began to nervously return the kiss and she seemed to smile in delight. With a last lick to my bottom lip, she pulled away and grabbed my hand.

"Come on baby, let's take this somewhere quiet," she said with a sultry smile as she led me back into the house. There was no sign of Xemnas as I was being silently taken to an unused bedroom on the first floor. The girl walked us both in and locked the door before turning to me and saying, "Well now, let's have some fun."

The whole experience was rather fuzzy to me, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't enjoyed it. Hell, I don't even remember the girl's name. One thing I was aware of was that a new door had been opened in front of me. The sex had been clumsy and somewhat short, but I had crossed a threshold. I felt as if now with my virginity cast aside, sex was merely something to do; like drinking and smoking. As Xemnas said, it's all for our own personal gratification. Looking out for number one. Follow your heart. All the same, right?

If I said I had a reputation before, it was nothing compared to what I had after the sexual barrier had been broken down. After a few more girls, I had gotten rather good at the art of seduction. I knew exactly what they wanted and how to give it. A trail of kisses down the side of the throat, a tiny bite on the collarbone, a lick here, a thrust there. Bang. I'm the sexy blonde with the sweet, baby blue eyes who's great in bed.

By this point I had presumably become an incredibly confident guy. I had no fear when talking to other party goers, men or women. I flirted with anyone and everyone. I was the center of attention at nearly every event I went to. Yuffie had taken a greater interest in me it seemed, as I was now more of her arm candy than her chauffer. Yup, things seemed to be going pretty well.

However, it was then that I began to realize that I really was feeling attracted to Xemnas. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I felt as if it had something to do with the commanding presence he seemed to have in my mind. He was the one who had showed me how to be cool; he was the one who helped me. I had become so much more confident, but here was a man who would always be my superior. I found it absolutely thrilling. Still, I wasn't too sure if he'd be interested. Besides, I hadn't had any experience with seducing men yet. Sure, harmless flirting was easy, but getting one in bed wasn't something I was familiar with.

I was at a party at someone's house who lived out of town, so there were a lot of people I wasn't too familiar with. Feeling too uninterested with meeting new people, I decided to spend the evening with Xemnas. I'd had a little more to drink than he had, and my alcohol tolerance was significantly lower than his (even though mine was pretty dang good for someone my size), so I wasn't entirely myself. I'm not even sure what the two of us had been talking about, but before I knew it I felt his hands begin to touch me. My face, my arms, my chest. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch as he reached up to stroke my face again. "Such a pretty face," he said. "So soft and so misleading." I cast him a sexy smile, completely disregarding the fact that the two of us had never been intimate before. I saw him lean forward and I felt my heart leap for joy. This is what I had wanted, wasn't it? His lips met mine in a fierce, possessive kiss. I could feel his greed from such a simple gesture, and it excited me. So much raw passion in such a short action; I definitely wanted more. I leaned forward and kissed him back just as hard, trying to express all of my need in the same manner that he had. After we broke apart he smiled that same old devilish sneer, as if he had been expecting this all along. Rising from the couch, he walked away towards the hallway and I followed.

After finding a room to his liking Xemnas roughly grabbed my wrist and pulled me inside, locking it behind him. He pinned me against the wall, wrists trapped above my head by the iron grip of his strong hands. I panted heavily, already feeling myself growing aroused by such simple actions.

"You want me," he said. It wasn't a question.

I nodded. It was impossible to keep anything from Xemnas.

"Then let me show you how to properly pleasure a man," he said huskily as he roughly kissed me once more. I tried to keep up, but I was so overpowered by him that all I could do was let him have his way with me. Xemnas' tongue easily dominated my mouth, furiously exploring every inch as I simply complied with his desire. Soft whimpers were escaping through my lips, heavily muffled due to the set of lips constantly smothering my own. Xemnas stopped his assault on my mouth after a few minutes and pulled away to look at me. I could feel his cold, calculating eyes taking in my every feature. He scanned my body up and down approvingly and seemed highly amused with my half-hard erection that was now prodding him in the leg. Xemnas reached a hand down and roughly stroked my clothed arousal and I moaned loudly. He smirked, the same smirk as always. Then, he was gone. I opened my eyes fully, recovering from my brief moment of pleasure, and saw him standing a few steps back from where he had been originally. I watched his hands as they slowly moved to the hem of his pants and slowly started to undo his belt. I couldn't tear my eyes away as he threw it aside and proceeded to unbutton his pants and remove them completely. I could now see that I wasn't the only one who was turned on by this experience. He slowly lowered the last remaining piece of clothing that covered his lower half and stood there, completely exposed and completely unembarrassed.

"Come here, Roxas," Xemnas beckoned, and I immediately obeyed. I stepped forward until I was directly in front of him again as I waited for my next command. "On your knees," he said with a sneer. I obeyed and knelt down on the floor, now eye-level with his hardened cock. I stared at it, enraptured, but was brought out of my trance by his next command. "Now, suck it."

Tentatively, I leaned forward and took the head into my mouth. I heard him exhale and decided to continue. I began to swirl my tongue around the stiff member, hoping that I was doing the right thing. It was unusual, but the fact that I was able to pleasure Xemnas made it seem as if I was doing something pleasing to myself. I reached a hand down and began to lower my own pants, taking my own arousal in my hand and stroking it hungrily. I moaned, causing vibrations to resonate through my mouth. I heard a slight groan from Xemnas as he brought his hands down to tangle painfully in my hair. He began to pull my head back and forth, bobbing up and down on his cock, orchestrating my every movement. I could feel him tensing up, getting even more desperate. His commands were causing me to take him deeper and deeper into my mouth, until I was almost gagging. Tears were prickling at the corners of my eyes due to the strain, but I continued to pleasure myself while pleasuring him. I could feel him shuddering and I knew from my own experience being on the receiving end of a blowjob that he wasn't about to last much longer. Xemnas' hands were forcing his cock farther and farther down my throat until I did gag. I felt my throat muscles clench around him and he let out a long groan. I immediately felt a warm fluid fill my mouth and trickle down my throat. It tasted… bitter. As he pulled out of my mouth I reached my free hand up to wipe off my lips. Xemnas looked down at me, breathing heavily.

"That was not bad for your first time Roxas," he stated. I could already see that smirk coming back onto his features as he watched my hand slide up and down my still painfully hard erection. He lifted me up and placed me on the bed that was a few paces behind us. I was trapped in a haze of lust, barely taking in what was happening. That was, until I felt a firm hand replace my own around my cock. I groaned loudly, arching my back slightly against the sheets. I heard Xemnas chuckle over me before continuing his ministrations. His actions grew faster and faster until I was panting heavily and muttering incoherent words under my breath. The feelings I was experiencing were driving me crazy; never before had I felt this way. Sex with women was great, but it was something different entirely to feel some sense of attraction beyond physical gratification towards your partner. After a few more pants and rough strokes I came hard, dirtying Xemnas' hand as well as my own chest. I lay there, breathing heavy and basking in the moment. There was definitely something different about pleasuring men than there was with pleasuring women, and I liked it.

At the next party, Xemnas had given me the blowjob, allowing me to experience the full extent of what he had. It was far better than anything I had ever experienced with any woman before. His expert tongue was giving me sensations that drove me positively wild. My legs trembled, barely able to hold my own weight as he continued to pleasure me relentlessly. I wanted this forever, I wanted him. After coming down from my own personal high, Xemnas looked at me and asked me, "Do you want me?" His lips were curled upward into his cross between a sneer and a smirk. It was an expression that I saw on him almost constantly.

"Yes. More than anything," I replied. He merely chuckled deeply.

"Good."

Xemnas wasn't at the next party. Or the next one. Or the one after that. I found myself immediately scouting out his silvery hair whenever I entered a new room, only to be met with disappointment. I tried to distract myself from the empty feeling I was feeling in my chest. I began to drink heavier, try out different drugs, and sleep with twice as many girls as before. I would pleasure the men as often as I could, but I never was able to take it any further than what I had done with Xemnas. I wasn't sure why. It was as if there was something preventing me from going farther than the two of us had; some sort of un-seeable barrier set up by my subconscious.

It wasn't until I hadn't seen him for two whole weeks straight that I realized it; Xemnas wasn't coming back. I felt heartbroken, lost. I had no clue what I was supposed to do without him there. Sure, I had gained so much confidence, but it had always been with him there.

I went into overdrive. The sex, the drugs, the alcohol; anything that could distract me from the empty feeling that had come to dwell in my chest. Besides, I didn't know anything else anymore. Because of Xemnas, this had become my life. I hadn't seen my other friends outside of class in months, Sora and I barely talked anymore, and my parents had seemingly given up on me. It was almost as if I had erased myself from their lives completely.

Then everything began to spiral downward even faster.

The night after I had realized that Xemnas wasn't coming back, Yuffie came up to me and told me that our relationship had run its course. "I mean, it's not like the two of us spend that much time together anyway so yeah," she had said. It was true, when we were at parties it was just like being around anyone else. There wasn't really a special connection between the two of us. Even when we'd had sex, there was nothing spectacular about it. Hell, I hadn't even lost my virginity to her. To me, sex with Yuffie was just another fuck; just another moment of short-term satisfaction. Unfortunately, short-term satisfaction was what I thrived on; my addiction.

I began to frequently wake up after being unconscious for god knows how long, not remembering where I was. In some instances I was naked, in others I was surrounded by people, sometimes it was both. I could feel my life slowly spinning out of control, but somehow I wasn't doing anything about it. I had given up my control, I had given it to Xemnas with that one fateful handshake, and now he was gone and unable to give it back. At least, that's how I felt.

I had been living in overdrive for over three months when I saw Xemnas again. I had decided to attend another out of town party, just hoping for some new faces to relieve the monotony that I was starting to feel from all of these same old parties. I walked in and immediately started getting drunk; my new routine over the past few months. That's when I saw him. I froze. There he was, sitting with a boy that looked slightly younger than I was. The two of them seemed to be having a casual conversation, but it was the look on the boy's face that got me. I saw so much adoration and admiration etched onto that naive face, and I realized that I had been that boy once. I had idolized that man sitting on that couch.

And then said man had left without a trace, after being sure that I was completely taken by him. Unconsciously, my feet began to walk towards the couch that the two of them were sitting on. I found myself standing in front of the both of them and they turned to look at me.

"Hello Roxas," Xemnas said, same sneer as always.

The boy looked at Xemnas questioningly. "Who is this?"

Xemnas chuckled and raised himself from the couch. He offered his hand to the boy and began to lead him back, farther into the house. "Oh, just someone I used to know," he said. And then he was gone.

I felt as if my feet were glued to the spot. Well, it had been one thing to guess that he was gone, but another thing entirely to see him willingly remove himself from having anything to do with me. So I did the only things I knew how to do anymore:

I drank.

And I smoked.

And I had sex.

And I told myself that this is what I did, and this was all I needed to do to feel whole again.

I was well into my senior year when it happened. I was at a local party, nothing out of the ordinary, when I passed out; again, nothing out of the ordinary, at least not as of late. However, when I came to I was definitely not familiar with where I was. I was almost completely stripped of my clothes, left in nothing but my boxers. My wallet was gone, my clothes were gone, everyone was gone. I got up and looked around. I wasn't even in anyone's house anymore, I was outside somewhere. "Fuck," I swore loudly, pounding headache now making my predicament even more aggravating. I decided I might as well start walking in some direction, maybe I'd learn where I had ended up. I didn't have a watch on me, but I had figured that it was sometime past midnight. I wasn't anywhere near the beach, as I couldn't hear the ocean waves crashing onto the shore, so I must be somewhere downtown. As I walked down the dark alleys of the downtown area I was trying to figure out which bastards would steal all my shit and then leave me out here. As I thought harder, I realized it could've been anyone. There wasn't anyone who particularly hated me, but at the same time I didn't really have any close friends that I partied with. Everyone was sort of, neutral. It was a sad understanding that suddenly made me feel very cold and lonely.

I continued down the turning alleys and underpasses until I came across a familiar road. Unfortunately, I was nowhere near my house. It was going to be a long night. My house was near downtown, but it was on the east side. I happened to be on the west side of town, which was notorious for gangs and muggers. I wasn't really thinking about anything other than how long it would take me to get home. I didn't even notice the group of guys that I walked by until they started to whistle and catcall.

"Hey there Blondie, how about you come over here and show us a good time?" one of them shouted in my direction. Ignoring them, I continued walking. I thought they had left me alone, until I felt a firm grip on my left arm. I was rapidly whipped around and came face to face with a greasy-haired man who was about a head taller than me. His eyelids were a little heavy and I could tell he'd been drinking.

"Let me go," I stated firmly, tugging from his grip.

"Nuh-uh angel, first we're gonna have some fun. Now come over here and put that tight ass to good use," he slurred. I saw his buddies coming closer, each with a similar expression across their faces. It was then that I really began to feel it; fear. I hadn't felt afraid in so long, I had dismissed it as an emotion I was too strong to feel now, but oh how I was wrong.

I was wrong, about so much.

"I said, let go!" I shouted, and kneed my attacker right between the legs. He wheezed and bent over, shuddering in pain.

"L-little bitch. You need to be taught some manners!"

With that, his other three companions began sprinting after me. I ran as fast as I could, ignoring the throbbing pain in my feet as they pounded across concrete. After running for a few blocks, the guys seemed to have lost interest, and I was running alone. I didn't stop running for a long time, not until I had comfortably crossed into the east side of town. I stopped to catch my breath and suddenly felt tears begin to flow ceaselessly from my eyes. I was surprised at first by the sudden action, but choked down a sob when I realized that I had wanted to cry, wanted to feel for so long. So I sat there in the street, and cried.