AUTHOR'S NOTE: J.K. Rowling forever owns Harry Potter; I do not.

10. Depulso

They had collected the ingredients- loose unicorn hair, black briar heart, elves ear root- in complete silence. Severus didn't acknowledge her when she'd appeared in the courtyard, nor when they walked to the Forbidden Forest, nor when they harvested the ingredients. He did not make a single sound the entire time they were outside.

He just kept touching his lips with the tips of his fingers.

To be fair, he tried to be subtle about it, but Hermione noticed every time.

So, that was that then. He was still in love with her.

Hermione tried to tell herself she wasn't surprised. She tried to tell herself it didn't hurt because she had expected as much. She tried to tell herself that she was not second best, a distraction, simply something to pass the time.

But she had never been good at lying to herself.

To say that her magic was angry would be a gross understatement. It felt… used. Betrayed. Cheated. Like it had found its counterpart and had it stolen away. And it wanted to hurt him for hurting her.

So Hermione tightened her control on the sentient part and locked it away, as far deep within herself as she could without damaging it.

After they had enough of each ingredient to brew a few batches of the potion, they returned to the castle together. As they walked, she tried to think of something to say, some way to broach what she had seen. She wanted to tell him that she understood, that she would not hold it against him because Lily really was much better suited for him than she was. She wanted to tell him that she would not force him to choose because it was unfair. She wanted to tell him it was ok.

Instead, she said nothing.

She told him once that she would not wrap him in platitudes just to make him feel better, just to justify his actions. She meant it.

So she said nothing.

He didn't even slow his stride when they reached the door to her room. He didn't look back when he grabbed the handle of the Potions classroom and disappeared.

Hermione's stomach twisted as she let herself in her room.

Did you really think it would be that easy?

Of course she did. Why wouldn't she? She may not be experienced with the opposite sex, but she knew how to read signs. Severus was her keeper, but he cared for her in a way that superseded such duties. His only real job was the make sure she remained alive, but he did so much more than that. He spent time with her in Tom's perpetually empty house to keep her from feeling lonely. He revealed his past, his secrets to her to gain her trust. He undoubtedly Imperio'ed Wormtail from across the room at the Revel so she would not be forced to kill her stepfather. He stayed by her side every moment of her breakdown afterwards and then tried to get the Headmaster's help to save her from a life at Tom's side. Their magic was compatible on a level she hadn't known existed and he had given in to it, admitting the he did, indeed, care for her. Of course, throughout the course of it all, he was a snarky, acerbic, caustic bastard with a venomous tongue, but he always apologized one way or the other- whether it be with words or actions.

Not to mention that the one time she had mentioned Lily, had told him that if he still loved her he should leave, he remained exactly where he was. As if he was frozen, a statue. He had not moved at all.

What was she supposed to think?

Hermione let her head fall back against the closed door.

Lily.

Her eyes narrowed at the ceiling as she thought back to the encounter with her. The woman was stunning, no question about it, and certainly a better match for Severus in that they had known each other for a long time and were the same age. But there was something else, something off…

And then she remembered.

As Lily had turned to leave the courtyard, she wiped her hands rather viciously on her robes. The hands that had held Severus' face. The moment she had crossed the stone archway, she had wiped her mouth on her sleeve.

As if she couldn't rid herself of him fast enough.

Hermione pounded her clenched fist on the door, grinding her teeth as the pieces clicked together. Lily didn't want him at all, she just didn't want anyone else to have him. She liked that he was in love her, even when she felt nothing but contempt for him.

This vain, supercilious cow was the one Severus wanted? Seriously?

Indecision tore at her for a moment. There were two paths she could choose to follow now: march up to Severus' chambers and demand he speak to her so she could explain what she had seen and what Lily had said… or force Severus to be an adult and deal with the repercussions of his actions on his own.

It only took her a few fleeting seconds.

As she removed her thick cloak and boots, donning her nightclothes and plaiting her hair, Hermione decided that if Severus wanted to go panting after Lily for the rest of his life, she would let him. He was not a dog to be kept on a leash and she was not his owner. She had feelings for him, deep, somewhat terrifying feelings, but she refused to be his fail-safe, his back-up, his second choice. She would not sit around pining for him like the protagonist in some lovesick fairytale. Instead, she would keep a respectful distance. He had told her, over and over again, that he was her keeper and her professor. So she would act accordingly.

Even if the very idea broke her heart.

And oh, it did. It did.

The thought of never kissing him again… never touching his skin again… never seeing his eyes soften for her again…

She curled under the blankets and wrapped her arms around her torso.

Being with Severus was like riding one of the Muggle rollercoasters her parents had allowed when she was little. When things were good, it was exhilarating- like nothing could hurt her and she was invincible. But when things were not, it was utterly terrifying- like everything was spinning out of control and disaster was imminent.

As it turns out, disaster had been imminent; it had just come in a slightly taller, more beautiful form than she originally anticipated.

Under the flicker of the candlelight, Hermione caught sight of a piece of parchment on her bedside table. She grabbed it, her fingers tightening when she realized it was his spiky handwriting.

-Unicorn hair

(loose)

-Black briar heart

(only turn black under the full moon)

-Root of elves ear

(roots only extractable during the full moon)

-Eye of sabre cat

(apothecary in Wales)

-Histcarp

(Black Lake)

-Lavendar

(Greenhouse 3)

-Moon sugar

(powdered moonstone, refined)

-Unmelting snow

(?)

-Tears

(unbidden, freely given- but from who? Friend? Lover? Family? Phoenix?)

The list loosened the knot in her chest a little; it reminded her that there were more important things at the moment than her feelings for a certain acerbic prat. They had acquired three of the nine ingredients needed for her potion tonight. That was certainly a start.

Hermione put the list back down and flicked her wand to extinguish the sconces that lit her room. She fell asleep by candlelight, her dreams a confusing blur of obsidian, jade, and burnished copper.

x-x-x

The next day after Potions, Hermione hung back and waiting for everyone to leave the classroom. She did not notice the bespectacled eyes that followed her movements to the front of the room. Severus was already preparing for his next class when everyone was gone and she finally approached him.

"Professor Snape? I was wondering—"

"I have a class," he snapped. "Whatever it is can wait."

"Sir, I promise this will be quick. I just wanted to know if you would escort me to Tom's house tonight."

He continued writing up potion brewing instructions on the large chalkboard that dominated the right side of the room, "Why?"

"Well… because I assumed you would not want me to go alone considering…"

He gave a long, dramatic sigh, "Why do you need to go there?"

She fingered the parchment in her pocket, "I believe he may have a book that I—"

"Typical," Severus snorted. "We will go another time. I have a previous engagement tonight."

Come by Godric's Hollow sometime? We can have dinner…

She didn't want to ask, she really, really didn't. But she had to know. "Do you have rounds tonight, sir?"

"No."

The single word was like a kick straight to the abdomen. She had to resist clutching her chest. He was blowing her off for… her.

Fine.

Hermione shoved the parchment further down and steeled herself, "Another time, then. Have a nice night, Professor."

She was halfway down the hall before he cracked the chalk in half with his trembling fist.

x-x-x

It was much too late for her to be outside. Curfew was hours ago, but it didn't really matter. No one knew she resided within the castle anyway so they wouldn't be looking for her. Hermione was laying, Disillusioned, on a patch of grass near the Whomping Willow, arms behind her head, gazing up at the clear night sky.

He was with her now.

And she didn't even want him.

Her stomach roiled at the injustice.

There was a rustle of fabric and then warmth from someone's body heat as they sat next to her in the grass. Like before the fabric slid silently to the ground, revealing Harry Potter in a thick gray jumper and muggle jeans.

"Plan on hiding all night?" He asked softly.

Hermione rolled her eyes and Finite'd her Disillusionment charm, revealing her lying in the grass. "Why does it seem like you are always following me lately?"

Harry smirked, "Because I can't seem to talk to you any other way. I'm not exactly welcomed around Malfoy, Zabini, and Parkinson, you know. Besides, what reason could you possible give them for talking to me? You're supposed to be on the bad side, remember?"

She grimaced, "Fair point."

They were quiet for a long time as they both looked up at the stars. When Harry spoke again, his voice was serious, "You're working on something important for the Order, aren't you? Dumbledore won't tell us any specifics but… it's big, isn't it?"

She nodded, "Yes."

"Big enough to end the war?"

"Yes."

He pushed his glasses up his nose and his face darkened, "Can't say I won't be sorry when this is all over."

She contemplated something for a moment before deciding that it was now or never. He seemed to be interested in being civil to her so she should extend her own olive branch in return. Hermione pushed herself up, resting her arms on her knees as she looked at him, "I… I am so, so sorry about what happened to your dad, Harry."

Shock crossed his face for a brief moment before he softened a little, "Thanks. I… I heard about your mum as well. You two were close?"

Tears welled behind her eyes as she nodded.

He rested a hand on her shoulder, "I'm sorry for your loss, too."

A few tears dripped onto her lap before she realized and turned her face away for a moment to compose herself. If he noticed, he didn't say anything about it.

"I think he did it," Hermione admitted, her voice quiet. "The more I learn about him… the more I realize what he expects of me… the more I think he killed her."

Harry frowned and twirled his wand between his fingers, staring far into the night, "Is that why you came to Dumbledore?"

"No. I didn't suspect until… after."

"After?"

Panic threatened to rear its ugly head and drag her under just like it had that night. Her hands shook but she forced herself to breathe, "After the Revel."

His fingers froze and he turned to look at her, "He forced you to go to one of those?"

She nodded.

He dragged his hand through his hair, "Wow. I knew he was… but I didn't really think he would… not to you." There was another moment of hesitant silence. "Did he force you to… hurt anyone?"

"He tried."

Harry let out a shaky breath, "Merlin."

This time, she couldn't prevent the tears and her words were choked, "He wanted me to kill my stepfather. They brought him before me and… and…" She turned to him, her eyes wide and beseeching. "I couldn't bring myself to do it. I swore I would never be like Tom. Please, you have to believe me, Harry. I am nothing like him. Nothing."

"Hey, hey," he wrapped one arm around her and pulled her into a sort of half-hug, "I believe you, okay? Don't upset yourself worrying about what I think. I believe you, Hermione."

No one showed concern for her like this. No one gave her basic comfort and reassurance like this. Not even Severus- he cared, to be certain, but he did not express it this way. She wasn't entirely sure he knew how. Everything she had been holding in for so long came rushing out. "He took both of my parents from me," she cried into his sweater, covering her mouth with her trembling hands. "He's tortured people right outside my bedroom door. I am his blood, his only child and he is using me like a pawn in a chess game. The only person I can rely on is so… so complicated that I never know which side of him I will be faced with that day. And everyone here is so suspicious of me all the time, like they think I am going to Crucio them just for breathing in my direction. And now I have to collect all of these ingredients to create this potion for the Order but I only have so much time to do it before Dumbledore feels I've outlived my usefulness and… and… and…"

Pained sobs wracked through her, over and over, even as she pressed her hands harder into her mouth to stifle them. Harry did not say anything, but he did not let her go either. So they sat in the cold grass, in front of the Whomping Willow under the sparkling night sky, with nothing but the sounds of her sobs between them. When she had calmed down enough that she was only sniffling, Harry let his arm drop but nudged her a little with his shoulder.

She gave a small smile.

"Feel better?" He asked.

"Surprisingly."

He went back to twirling his wand, "During one of the last Order meetings, Dumbledore said that Snape took an Unbreakable Vow to Voldemort to protect you."

"Yes."

"If that's his job, then why haven't you told him all of this? Won't he be in kind of a bad spot if you suddenly just collapse under the weight of it all?"

Hermione sighed, "He has enough to worry about without my whinging."

Harry furrowed his brow, confusion evident on his face, "Hermione, the things you're dealing with would break even the strongest of us. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this on your own."

She just shrugged.

He seemed lost in thought for a moment, "You said you're creating a potion for the Order, right?"

She cringed. Had she said that? Whoops. Figuring it was already too late, she nodded slightly.

"Do you need any help?"

It was impossible to hide her surprise, "What?"

He shrugged this time, "I know what it feels like to feel like you're all alone. Like no one else can be trusted to help or to understand. My entire fifth year felt like that. You obviously don't feel like you can go to Snape right now, so I'm offering to help in his stead. We are on the same side, after all."

Hermione was floored. She had never expected anything like this. She was prepared for civility, maybe a wisp of friendship, but nothing close to what he was offering. Did he understand the severity of the situation? The seriousness of her task?

Of course he did. He was the Chosen one.

"I would appreciate the help very much, Harry."

He whipped his Invisibility Cloak around his shoulders dramatically, rendering everything from his neck down invisible as he smirked. "Then it's settled. Where to first, Captain?"

"You are going to want to cover your head," she grinned. "Have you ever done Side-Along before?"

x-x-x

Hermione had her duplicated ingredient list in her pocket, charmed so that she was the only one who could read it, as she waited anxiously for Potions to end. During class, Severus had been his usual biting self, giving no indication that anything amiss had happened the previous night. He had even taken 5 points from her when she knocked her stirring rod against the side of her cauldron. The regression to his typical behavior gave her hope. Perhaps he would be more amenable to helping her today.

As everyone began packing up their things and heading for the door, Hermione made her way to his desk at the front of the room.

"What do you want, Miss Granger?" He snapped, not even looking up from the gradebook he was marking with vicious red slashes.

Ensuring they were alone, Hermione pulled the list from her pocket, tapped it with her wand, and laid it before him. "We have gathered three of the nine."

"Yes," he sneered. "I know how to count."

Refusing to be cowed by his biting manner, she continued, "I realize that, Professor. Most of these I can gather on my own but I wanted to ask you about the Unmelting Snow. I did some research and it seems like something that will require both of us to obtain."

"And where did you find information on Unmelting Snow, Miss Granger? I combed the entire library, Restricted Section included, and could not find a single reference."

She hesitated.

This caught his attention and he looked at her, brow raised, "Yes?"

Her voice was quiet, "Tom had a book that was most informative."

Exactly as she anticipated, Severus slammed his hands down on his desk, practically rocketing of his chair. His eyes were wild with rage, "You went back there? Alone? Are you trying to get yourself killed?!"

She crossed her arms, "Well what was I supposed to do? We needed information and I found it. What does it matter where I got it from?"

His muscles became rigid as the seconds ticked by, realization dawning in his eyes, "How did you get there?"

Shite. Hermione desperately tried to think of something, some plausible explanation for how she made it to Tom's house without him. "I…"

His voice was low and deadly now, "I was out last night, Miss Granger. My office was warded against all intruders, yourself included. How. Did. You. Get. There?"

"Sev—Professor Snape, if you would just give me a moment to explain…"

It was too late. Those bottomless obsidian eyes trapped hers as he snarled, "Legilimens."

Hermione was a dab hand at Occlumency- she studied it in her free time because it was terribly interesting and she always felt that it was a useful skill to have. But she hadn't practiced in months and was woefully unprepared for the force of his entrance into her mind. She desperately tried to hide certain things from him but it didn't matter. He saw everything.

She cast a quick Muffliato around them before turning to Harry, "Stay hidden under the cloak. The wards on this house will only allow me entrance but I will grab the book and come right back."

His disembodied voice floated towards her, "What house? I don't see anything at all."

She smirked, "Fidelius charm."

"Ah, right," he hesitated. "Are you sure you'll be alright in there by yourself? What if he's…"

"He's not, I promise. I heard some of the Slytherins talking about a Revel tonight. He will be there instead."

"If you're sure…"

"I lived in this house for months, Harry. I will be just fine."

She disappeared into the house and heard Severus snarling in her mind.

Hermione's thoughts were panicking.

Out. Out. Out.

Get him out.

Before he sees too much.

Before…

He heard her thoughts. He knew there was something she didn't want him to see. So he pressed harder into her mind, determined to find out what it was she was hiding.

No… no… no… not that…

She felt him stop at the memory outside of the Whomping Willow. She could actually feel his rage building as he watched Harry Potter holding her, comforting her, reassuring her. His anger flickered to something else when he watched her, heard her sobbing her confessions into Harry's chest, desperate to let everything out before she crumbled any more. But the blinding rage returned when Harry nudged her playfully and then offered to help her in any way she needed.

Please, Severus. Please, get out. Her mind pleaded to him. Please get out before it's too late.

There's something else, he snarled in her thoughts. You are hiding something else from me.

She knew what he would see if he dug a little further and she fought it as hard as she could. She clawed at his mental presence, desperately trying to dislodge him and kick him out before he saw the truth. Before he saw what she saw.

He pushed harder. There it was.

Hermione could no longer fight it. The resignation hit her. Fuck.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Her boots clicked against the stone floors as she grew closer and closer to the courtyard. She halted, hushed voices floating towards her on the light evening breeze. One of them was Severus, to be sure, but she could not identify the other, thought it was clearly female. She muffled her footsteps and crept stealthily along the myriad of stone archways that surrounded the courtyard until she was on the back side of the large fountain that adorned the middle of the space.

Severus was stunning under the moonlight; his skin almost glowing and his eyes alight in the dark. She had eyes only for him for he was an angel in the darkness. Her heart tripped over itself and her skin flushed just from looking at him. He said something and she watched his lips move, blushing. She remembered how those lips felt on hers, on her skin.

Merlin almighty, she was in deep for him.

It took a moment for her to realize that he was not alone. A woman stood in front of him, answering whatever it was he had said. Hermione crept along the outer archways a little further so she could see the woman's face. When she was able to properly see them both, she had to catch her breath. The woman was… exquisite. Long, glossy hair like burnished copper, eyes like Chinese Jade, skin like a perfect English peach. Tall, perfectly proportioned.

Beautiful beyond compare.

Everything Hermione was not.

Who was this woman?

Her voice was lyrical even in her anger, "I just don't get it, Sev. You're so much smarter than this!"

Severus crossed his spectacular arms over his even more spectacular chest, "I am certain I have no idea what you mean."

She threw her arms up in exasperation, "The girl is Voldemort's daughter. His only daughter. You can't possibly think he'd really let her turn to the Order so easily!"

He looked away, towards where Hermione was hiding.

"Sev," the woman reached up and turned his face back to her. Severus' cheeks reddened and it hit Hermione like a herd of Hippogriffs. He was… blushing. Because she touched him.

Hermione felt bile rising in the back of her throat. She brought a hand to her mouth.

He cleared his throat a little, "I assure you, Lily, I know what I am doing."

Sweet Merlin, it was her. Lily. Lily. Gods, not her, Hermione pleaded silently in her head. Please, anyone but her.

The unattainable object of Severus' affections, the woman he had loved all his life, the one he had done everything for was even more stunning than Hermione had ever dared to imagine.

Everything Severus said made sense now.

Of course she wasn't even remotely his type. Of course she was the opposite of everything he ever wanted. Of course he didn't want her to waste her affections on him.

She was nothing like this woman.

She couldn't be; they were like night and day.

Hermione felt her heart breaking just a little.

Lily put her hands on her hips, "Do you? You're supposed to be her bodyguard- what do you think will happen to you if anyone in the Order hurts her? He'll kill you, Sev!"

He seemed unconcerned, "We all must take risks in this war."

She stamped her foot, "So you're just willing to throw your life away for this girl? What the hell, Sev? Do you have a thing for her or something?"

"That is enough," he growled. "She is a child."

His words sliced her again and she bit her lip.

Lily eyed him critically, "A very pretty one."

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Lily…"

She pulled his hand down and grabbed his face with both hands, "Look I'm sorry, okay? I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. I know you better than that. You'd never stoop that low."

Of course it would be considered stooping low when compared to this… walking glamour charm. That didn't make it hurt any less.

"You just have to trust me, Lily," he said. "I am doing what is in the best interest of everyone. I would not have burdened the Order with the girl if I did not think she could be useful."

There was that word again: burden.

Always a burden to him.

She smiled radiantly, gripping his large hand in both of hers, "Of course I trust you. You're the smartest one I know, Sev."

He cleared his throat again, lowering his head a little, "Yes… well…"

"Come by Godric's Hollow sometime?" She asked, cocking her head. "We can have dinner one weekend when Dumbledore doesn't have you on rounds. We haven't had a chance to properly talk in ages."

Come on, Severus. Hermione thought desperately, fists clenched. You know better. Tell her no. Tell her no.

"I…"

"Great!" Lily bounded up and pressed her lips to his lightly before turning to leave. "I'll take the Floo home. Safer, you know? Owl me when you want to have dinner!"

Lily started walking to where she was now Disillusioned but Hermione was too wrapped up in what had just occurred to notice Lily wiping her hands rather viciously on the fabric of her robes. She only vaguely registered the woman wiping her mouth on the sleeve.

The beautiful woman stopped just before her, tilting her head down in Hermione's direction, "Did you really think it would be that easy?"

When she said nothing, Lily pretended to kneel down to tie her shoe. Her eyes, however, were fixed directly on where she sat. "Sev is like a mountain- constant, unyielding, unchanging."

No. Hermione thought defiantly. You're wrong. He can change, he has changed. You just don't know him anymore. I don't think you ever really did.

Lily waved her hand towards her and the Disillusionment spell faded away. Hermione could not look away as the woman taunted her. "He's been in love with me since we were kids. Even after I married James. Even after I had Harry. Even now. Sev doesn't change. Not for you, not for anyone."

She would not give this callous woman the satisfaction of a response. She refused.

The older woman stood, flipping her lovely hair like some errant teenager back over her shoulder, "You can't change a mountain, Hermione. You'll only hurt yourself trying."

And then she was gone.

Her mind was reeling, thoughts tumbling around so fast she couldn't seem to get a grip on any of them. He couldn't still have feelings for that woman. There was no way. Not after the things they had been through, not after the way he kissed her, not after the things he said he felt. No, it simply wasn't possible. He wouldn't… use her like that.

Right?

Of course Lily was just taunting her, trying to distress and confuse her. Yes, that was it. It was just a mind game.

Hermione straightened herself and turned to the courtyard but found herself halted yet again. Severus was still standing there, completely still as if carved from granite, with his fingertips pressed to his lips.

Her heart broke the rest of the way.

He did still love her.

She was such a fucking fool.

"GET OUT!" Hermione screamed, physically shoving Severus back with all her strength.

He blinked as he was forced out of her mind, his eyes wide with shock.

She was openly sobbing, tears streaming down her cheeks even as she panted and braced herself against the desk. A steady stream of blood trickled from her nose.

"You were there," he said, barely above a whisper. It took a moment but he reached for her. "Hermione, I—"

She stumbled back from him, out of his reach, "Keep your hands off of me."

He flinched, his eyes clouded with confusion, "I… I had no idea that she was so… manipulative. I never imagined…"

Hermione covered her mouth with her hand.

His brow furrowed, "It was as though she thought touching me made her… dirty."

"And this is the woman you want?" She managed through her tears. "One who feels disgust when she touches you?"

That brought him back. For the first time, it was like he was seeing her clearly. His eyes softened and his expression shifted to one of remorse when he looked at her, "Hermione, I am so—"

She cut him off, "Is that where you went last night? To her?"

His hesitation was the answer.

"I came to you for help!" She cried, furious. "I came to you so we could get the book I needed for the potion. The potion that came from the Arithmancy equation that I created for YOU!"

Severus stopped, his eyes wide, "What?"

Hermione wrapped her arms around herself, "You think I give a single shite about what happens to the rest of the Death Eaters out there? To the ones that delight in torture and rape and murder? I knew that Tom punished you often, sometimes for things that were not your fault. I wanted to help you, to make it easier for you. I WANTED TO HELP YOU, YOU FUCKING BASTARD. AND YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME FOR A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU."

"I had no idea…" He whispered, his voice pained. "Hermione, I don't deserve—"

"You are absolutely right," she agreed softly. "You don't."

He recoiled as if she had slapped him.

A myriad of voices could be heard coming closer in the hall. His next class was approaching.

Hermione cast a quick glamour over her face and straightened her robes, "We will discuss the book another time. Please wait for me to seek you out. I need some time to gather my thoughts."

With that, she disappeared into the hall full of students.

She never looked back, not once, afraid to see a look of pity on his face.

Or worse, heartbreak.

Hermione would not let him walk all over her anymore. No matter how much she ached for him.