CHAPTER 11: Learning To Fly Over Grey Skies
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me now I can't feel anything
When I love you
It's so untrue, I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else
"So, I've kept up my end of the bargain. Now what is it that you were going to tell me?" Haley asked as she waited on the edge of the devils trap she was locked inside for the answer she longed for.
The pace of Dean's heartbeats sped up with anticipation as he prepared himself to confess. He didn't even know how to say it; it was too much to say, to think and to hear. Demon thing aside, how could he tell his wife who trusted him with their child? Dean swallowed down the warm saliva that made him feel nauseated and he got up, heading towards the kitchen. Haley sat there with her hands up disbelieving. She thought Dean just probed her for information and wasn't going to let her in on what was bothering him. Why should he? It made sense for him not to tell her in her mind; it was just probably her that bothered him anyway. To her surprise Dean reentered the living room after a two minute absence. He wasn't empty-handed either. Dean carried in a bar stool with one hand and in the other an average sized knife. Haley blinked as she watched Dean setting up the stool beside her, not following what he was up to.
"What are you doing?" She asked blankly, head tilted back and eyes locked on Dean and the knife in hand as she stood on the stool.
"Jamie ran away and I need your help." This time Dean didn't think about it, he just blurted it out the only way he knew how to, bluntly. The silver knife's tip scratched the red paint on the ceiling.
"What!" Haley basically screamed it with a loud gasp. Her eyes were horror-struck. Dean's eyes rolled down to meet her terrified ones and stared at her coldly for a minute. "We can't just sit!" She began shouting again, not with anger but with fear, fear of where her son was or if he was safe.
"That's why I need your help. I'm going to get him back, and I'm taking you with." Dean said calmly and slowly as he could as he thrusted the knife back and forth until part of the paint came off. Haley was free to leave the trap now, the cage was unlocked. As Dean stepped down from the stool and pulled it away from Haley's side Haley just stared at him stunned and breathing heavily. "This is my fault. If I didn't lock you up Jamie wouldn't of tried to free you, I wouldn't of snapped at him and he wouldn't of ran off like he did. So yeah, it's all my fault. And I know that." His voice faded out to a sad whisper towards the end that sent a new ache through Haley's chest.
"Dean, it's not...you couldn't of-" She couldn't find the right words to comfort him even if she tried. Once Dean blamed himself for something he was ALWAYS going to continue blaming himself, and nothing would change that. But before she could try any further he had interrupted her.
"Don't." Dean rose a hand to stop her. "You're the only pers-" As he stopped himself in his tracks he lowered him head and smirked. Not a happy smirk, but an annoyed one. He was in need of rephrasing; it seemed a certain word wasn't appropriate to him anymore. "Only one who knows where to look." He looked back up to her.
Haley caught on to the rephrase. It didn't hurt at all but even if it did she wouldn't be able to notice it, Jamie was the heart of her pain right now, psychical, mental, and any type of pain, any anything belonged to him. "How can you trust me?" The lump in her throat made the words become softer than she had intended them to be. She sounded like a fragile child waiting for their feelings to be hurt.
"Oh believe me, I don't. Every inch of me is telling me to gnack your ass here and now, but I can't...I just can't..." Dean took a pause for a long moment before being able to continue. "So let's just go and get the kid, alright?" Haley nodded without words, she knew enough not to press the already broken man, what pieces that were left just might shatter if she does.
Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all ok
"Hi, bitch." Jess' angered voice sounded abruptly from behind forcing Ruby and Sam to jump and swing around. It wasn't often that Jess swore, but on the occasion she did it was directed towards Ruby. Ruby was the one who got under her skin deeper than anyone else. Sam's mortified expression made the fire inside of Jessica burn hotter. Ruby's soulless eyes were locked on Jessica; she was ready to fight with her.
"Jess." Sam's husky voice acknowledged his girlfriend's presence in a startled whisper. Jess learned a lot from traveling with the Winchesters and Bobby, but the one thing that she mastered better than anyone, with the exception of Haley, was the element of stealth. She was the sneakiest by far, which lead to her saving Dean quite a few times in the past.
Jessica's eyes found Sam gradually; he could see the hate colored in her orbs for the demon that stood next to him. It wasn't that she couldn't stand demons, because she could, she met a couple of them who treated her better than Sam at times; it was just her personal dislike for Ruby. And that dislike was more than mutual. Jessica saw under the layers that covered Ruby's deceit, and knew one day Sam would too. It pained her at the same time too, once he finds out that Ruby is no good she knows the guilt he'll feel for all he has done and said will be painful. Jessica didn't speak nor did she keep her eyes on her boyfriend long, she knew well enough not to let a demon out of sight. Ruby didn't falter at Jessica's piercing eyes shooting back to her; it only made her body stiffen more.
"What are you doing here?" Sam asked as he casually slipped himself between Ruby and Jessica. He said it in such a way, though unintentional, that made Jess feel as though she didn't belong nor were she wanted by his side anymore. He had a super powered demon entity that 'helped' him in whatever that she did, why should Jess be needed anymore? What did she contribute? She couldn't help but blame and hate herself for the way Sam has turned out to be. She thought it was her fault, that if she nurtured his wounds as Haley did Dean's, if she didn't back down from his bark, if she tried harder to be involved in the 'family business' that he wouldn't of become so angry and mistrusting. Was it just demons that could hang with a Winchester? She loved Sam with all her heart, it was his from the jump, but if he ever wanted, and if there was a way for her to become a demon, she wouldn't do it. No matter how much she cared for him she wouldn't give up her humanity, she'd fight to keep it until her last breath. It was what disgusted Ruby the most, a true hero, the kind that would sacrifice everything in the name of what was right. It was what Jessica never saw when she looked in the mirror but was subconsciously buried within her. So much light it could blind you, so much love it would warm you on the coldest of nights. So much strength it could you lift you up and help you touch the sky. All these things were what Sam saw in her but never told her, and he didn't know why he never did. He felt it, it was real as anything, but never could say it.
"What, you're kidding right?" Jessica turned her attention to Sam, she was so angered by him that she didn't even realize he was protecting Ruby.
"Look, about earlier…" Sam was already trying to reason with her, to spew some other lie that'll push her further away from him.
"You think I'm here because of what you said before?" It still surprised her, how high the ego of a Winchester could be. As if she'd waste the time to track him down and march all the way out here just to scold him. She couldn't be bothered anymore; she realized it had lost its point when it goes in one ear and out the other. Sam shrugged confused; he thought that's exactly why she was here. Jessica shook her head while crossing her arms and scoffed. "I'm here because I got a text from Dean saying our nephew ran away."
Sam's brows thinned out to a straight line and his voice deepened. "What?" He breathed, shocked.
"He ran away, Sam. Apparently he was very aware of what his father did to his mother, Jamie, I guess, tried to free Haley and Dean caught him and Jamie pushed him, and then ran off." Guilt knotted in her for even this. If she were there she'd of been able to stop him, she should have been there. Jessica was relentless on herself, the admonishing never stopped.
"You got all of this from a single text?" Ruby snorted.
"No Miss, 'I have to throw my two cents into something that doesn't have ANYTHING to do with me' I didn't. I got the cryptic text saying: "Jamie's gone. Need your help, come home asap." and headed home where I found Haley free and gearing up."
"Wait, what?" Sam and Ruby's eyes darted back and forth between each other and Jessica. Sam was clearly surprised. "Is Dean okay?" Of course he had to ask, he thought his brother wouldn't let a demon loose without a fight and obviously he lost.
"Dean's fine, he is the one who let her out." Jessica replied. There was something satisfied and proud in her tone, but also something hidden, like a 'nah-nah-nah-nah' to Sam. She knew Dean would see the light and it made that easy lighting match in the pit of Sam ignite into a small flame.
"Why would he do that?" His tone was picking up and the heat on the tip of his tongue wasn't lost on Jessica. She already knew it was coming.
"Are you serious right now? I mean do you even hear yourself? You are talking about Haley being free when your nephew is missing in a world where we have more enemies than I can count and where anything could happen to him." Jessica advanced as she pointed this out to Sam; her tone matched his at first but then became more intense as she continued on.
"Yeah, and in a world where one of the alleged 'greatest' hunters has let the most dangerous demon of all time out? You really think that's a good idea?" Ruby stuck her nose into it again. She was speaking to Jessica but the words were for Sam and Jess knew it.
"And who the hell asked you?" Jessica snarled, moving closer towards the creature she loathed most. Sam was backed away, pondering Jamie and Dean trusting in Haley, part of him was second guessing his actions, that if Dean could trust in her to help him find Jamie then maybe she wasn't bad. The larger portion of him just thought Dean's judgment was clouded due to his love for her.
"Nobody. You see the difference between you and me is I don't wait for permission to speak or do something, I do it. You know I'll bet you any money you didn't come here by yourself; I bet you that Dean had to sway you into it." Jessica's reaction made Ruby feel smug, it let her know that she was right.
"Oh, really, okay. Then tell me something miss independent, how come every time I see you, you are practically bowing before Sam's feet and 'catering' to his every need?" She longed to uncover Ruby's angle. Since Ruby's arrival she's done everything in her power to separate her and Sam, Sam never saw it thought.
"Someone's got to." Ruby retorted with a grin. Jessica immediately charged towards Ruby. Sam's eyes flashed to his side where Jess ran her shoulder into Ruby's gut, the force caused them both to fall. Ruby wasn't one to back down. She got up quickly and grabbed Jess' flying fist just before it connected with her face. Before Ruby's knee connected with Jessica's abdomen Sam's large arms caught it and flung it around making Ruby spin.
"Stop it!" He shouted angrily as he carefully pushed Jess back a few steps. It wasn't forceful or a warning of any kind, it was just to create space so the fighting would cease. "Just stop."
As Jess was getting ready to explode at Sam the worn, molded door was broken into uneven pieces with a loud impact. Sam, Jessica and Ruby jumped at the blast and their attention was completely focused on the door, forgetting about their issues with each other. Three people came waltzing in, two were women, and the remaining was a rather buff looking man. The shorter woman had long red hair and wore a leather jacket, the taller woman had curly brown hair with blonde streaks and wore a cargo jacket. The man, he had similar features to Dean, his hair just a tad fuller, lips thinner and chest larger. The clothes were very similar as well, ripped jeans and a plaid shirt over a dark t-shirt. The thing they all had in common were their eyes, which Sam, Jessica and Ruby detected right away, they were black. These people were demons and on mission. With sinister grins they all charged forward. The man sprung towards Jessica, Sam however threw his body in the middle and used his other arm to knock Jess out of the way.
Sam and the man locked hands, wrestling for control. The redheaded woman threw her fist to Ruby's face, but she caught it in time and drove her knee forcefully into the demon's mouth. As Jessica fell to the ground from Sam's shove the blonde demon jumped towards her. Jess saw and caught the demon mid air. Just before the demon fell onto her she grabbed onto her arms and placed her foot to the demon's stomach and somersaulted over onto her. Jess sat on top of the demon, knees pinning her shoulders down and fists flying wildly at her face. Jessica was already half way through an exorcising incantation. "Spiritus in mundus un glorum suarum umitite palatum iram domine…" The demon underneath Jessica was squirming and screaming trying to fight out and stop Jess from sending her back to hell. The redheaded demon that was fighting with Ruby managed to get the upper hand and she hurled Ruby towards a wooden support, head banging off the impact and falling to the ground in pain. The demon instantly dashed herself towards Jessica and grabbed two handfuls of her full curly blonde hair trying to pull her off her comrade. Sam heard the scream from behind him and recognized it was Jess' voice; this gave him that extra push. The small flame burning inside of blew up into a full fire. He used all the power in his muscles he had and shoved the male demon back a few steps to give him the space he needed. Sam whipped out Ruby's knife and dug it into the man's throat. As he yanked the knife out the man fell back, dead. Sam hurried over to Jessica and tackled the redheaded demon off of her. They both crashed down to the worn wooden floor with a loud thud and grunts. Sam panted as he got to his knees and punched the demon, knocking her on her back. As Jessica was knocked off the blonde demon, Ruby came up behind her and held her in place, catching her off guard as Jessica got to her feet and slammed them into the demon's stomach.
Sam got on the ginger demon and pinned her just as Jessica pinned the blonde one before. The sound of a pounding heart chalked full of adrenaline and desire for a forbidden fruit penetrated his ears and mind. The dark beast prowled within him, howling and begging Sam to give in to it. The yearning, the temptation was too strong for his will to suppress. As he prodded the tip of the knife to the jugular of the demon the skin lifted up, and out of the opening blood started to flow like a stream. The pounding of his heart grew more intense and deeper, his eyes were lost on the blood, and nothing else existed but it. As he lowered his face to the open wound he lost himself. The teaming of Jessica and Ruby came to a stop when Jessica spotted Sam and saw what he was doing to the demon. Her eyes expanded and mouth fell open. Ruby panted as she held onto the bloody and limp demon and looked over to Sam. She was cautious of Jessica and didn't show much of it but she was clearly pleased in Sam. Ruby knew Jessica was to stunned to finish the job so Ruby scurried over to Sam's side and yanked the knife away from him. As the bloody demon came at her again Ruby shoved the knife through the demon's head.
Sam lifted his head up as he heard the sound of a body falling and panted as the blood dripped from his chin. He felt eyes heavy on his back and turned around to see a frightened Jessica watching him in awe. Something pained shot through him to have to have her see him like this. Ruby walked back to his side and handed him the knife, waiting for him to finish the job. Sam raised his hand as he shook his head once telling her it's not needed. Sam wobbly got to his feet and stepped back from the demon on the ground. Sam's arm rose slowly and fingers spread apart, palm facing the blood covered demon dead-center. As Sam closed his eyes the demon screamed. The same reaction as you'd get through exorcising or stabbing a demon with Ruby's knife was the reaction Sam was getting, he was killing the demon. Jessica's hands slammed over her mouth in horror as her pupils dilated and she squinted, stupefied. As the demon died Sam lowered his arm and turned to face Jessica. Jessica looked at Sam differently; she was shaken to her very marrow. Jessica's eyes tearful and breaths heavy, she shook her head vigorously and ran out the broken door leaving Sam and Ruby behind.
Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late (too late)
"Well, try him again." Haley demanded sternly, but not overboard. The wheels of Haley's van skidded on the street as she turned the wheel and went down another street at full speed. Scenery whipped past the windows, and old out of business gas station, a few Victorian homes and fields. Dean groaned as he dialed Bobby's number again and held the phone to his ear.
"I'm telling you, he's not going to answer. We've tried like 4 times already." Dean complained, annoyed.
"I don't care. We are going to keep trying until he picks up." When she put her foot down she did it hard. There was no room for compromise, it was this or this, no other option was available.
"I'm just getting the answering machine." Dean folded his cell phone closed and slammed his hand against the glove box with anger. "Damnit Bobby!" Since he had left texts for everyone, reliable Jessica was the only to respond.
"Where's my phone?" Haley asked as she kept her eyes on the road and streets, eyes praying they'd see her child wandering.
Dean put his hand in his jacket pocket and searched for the phone. After a few solid seconds of seeking he finally pulled it out and handed it to Haley. "Look, I'm telling you, he's not gonna answer." He said with certainty trying to save her the trouble.
"Yeah well, I'm not giving up." Her wild honey eyes shot to Dean, his face growing hard as if she were implying he was. Her eyes went back to the road for a second to see no cars ahead and then she looked back to the phone to see the numbers she dialed. The ringing of Bobby's cell phone sang in her ears, every inch of her hoping he'll pick up.
"Haley?" Bobby's gruff voice asked in surprise. His voice made a smile stretch on her face and relief settle in. Dean watched her reaction stunned. Bobby picking up when Haley called added to his theory of Bobby being pissed at him.
"Bobby, you scared me when you weren't answering Dean."
"How in the hell are you-"
Haley interrupted him lightly. "Dean let me out. Listen, did you get the text Dean sent you?"
"Hang on." Bobby said as he searched through his missed messages. As he began reading the message his heart stopped like a ton of cement falling on it. "Put Dean on the phone." His tone was commanding like a father's. Haley handed the phone over to a reluctant Dean.
"Bobby?" Dean squeamishly held the phone to his ear.
"HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU LET YOUR SON RUN AWAY, BOY!" He wasn't holding back. Bobby was yelling so loud Haley could hear him, probably even the few people on the street heard him too.
His words riled Dean good. "I didn't just let him go, I thought he was in his room sulking! And while we're playing the blame game here, just an FYI for you, if YOU hadn't walked out like you did when I needed you the most Jamie would still be at home, in his room, safe!" Dean shouted back, not as fierce as Bobby but close enough.
Haley's wild eyes shot to Dean with irritation. "Dean!" Dean gazed at Haley, he knew in the way she said his name she was scolding him. Haley snapped her fingers at Dean, demanding he give her the phone. Dean took a few long seconds to regain his self before turning the phone over to her.
"Listen Bobby, nobody blames you. Everyone's nerves are shot and all of us are on edge. It's just the frustration talking, that's it. It's not yours or Dean's fault, if anyone's it's mine. This is all my fault and I'm gonna fix it." Dean's glare softened as he heard Haley speaking. A soulless demon wouldn't blame their self, at least not one that Dean had ever met, and he met a lot of them.
Bobby's head leveled and expression saddened. "It's not your fault, kid. Out of everyone you're probably the most innocent." Haley could feel Bobby's words warming her entire body. She'd never of thought she'd hear those words from anyone ever again. "Where are you guys?" He asked as he cleared his throat. He wasn't one for chick flicks; he avoided them like the plague, just as Dean did.
"About three hours out from Cheyenne." Haley replied as she looked at one of the signs on the road.
"What's in Wyoming?" Bobby asked curiously. Dean wasn't paying attention to them, though he could hear them speaking, he was rummaging through his father's journal and a few other papers.
"Ugh…my brother." Haley said while her eyes slowly glanced over to Dean, whose eyes were stuck on her again, glaring.
"You have a demonic brother?" Bobby said with surprise thick on his breath.
"His name's Crowley. He's aware of everyone, I trust him. He gets around pretty fast, he might have caught something about Jamie. It's worth a shot and right now it's all I've got to go on."
"You're basically hoping he'll throw you a bone."
"Basically." Dean stiffened at Haley's plan, involving another demon, but he was so desperate to find his son he'd try anything.
"Sam and Jess coming with you two?" Bobby asked as he closed his front door behind him and headed for his study.
"No. I'm not sure where Sam is, we can't get hold of him. Jess went to find him to fill him in. I'd wait and meet up with them but time is precious and Jess doesn't like Crowley." Haley explained. Dean and Bobby both mirrored each other, mouths popped open and eyes growing larger.
"How does Jess know about your brother?"
"Jessica has known about me, what I am, what I've done, since pretty much the first time I met her."Haley knew this would come as a shock to both of them, probably tick Dean off. Both boys were silent, only breaths could be heard as they tried to wrap their head around this. The one that tried to stay away from the hunting life and never go too deep into was much deeper than they could have ever dreamed. Haley sighed, patience wearing thin. "Look, I know this is a lot for you guys to take in but can we please just focus on my son right now? We're close to Cheyenne; Jess is taking care of Sam. Now Bobby, I need you to check for any omens. Anything odd you can find across the globe, the weirder the better."
"Any specifics?" Bobby managed to remain professional, one of his best traits.
"Not really, not until I talk with Crowley. Just check for the usual, and the things hunters wouldn't notice. Also check for any expensive properties recently being sold."
"Why exactly?" Bobby asked curiously, but without reservations. It was going to be a nice change of pace to work with a demon, to learn how one thinks, its routines.
"Who or whatever took Jamie has got to be high up on the food chain. It's the apocalypse; Dean is playing a pivotal role in this because of the angels. The other side would be looking for bargaining chips and Jamie is the perfect tool." Dean blinked, aghast. He knew Jamie had run off but kidnapped? He never even contemplated that.
"You think the kid was taken hostage?" Bobby replied with the same shock as Dean had painted on his face.
"I think he means more than anything to Dean and I and if something spotted him they wouldn't let him walk off without doing something about it. It's the perfect random opportunity for leverage. I know how they think."
"Alright, I'll dig. You two just get your asses to Wyoming and get some answers. We gotta find him and quick." Bobby folded his phone and exhaled loudly. He had a lot of pressure on his shoulders before with researching the seals and trying to determine which ones would be broken, to figure the pattern of who was breaking them, but now he also had to get in the mindset of an evil entity. Haley and Dean shared a long emotion filled look before she stepped on the gas, forcing the van to floor it.
Oh the truth hurts
A lie's worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
"Go ahead, let's hear it. I'm a monster, you're disappointed. I'm a freak." Sam laughed with something sad in his voice as he slowly turned around to see his seething girlfriend. After Ruby and Sam determined that the demons that attacked them were the ones they followed into town Ruby left, knowing Sam and Jess needed time alone.
"Why are you doing this!" Jessica asked heatedly as she progressed towards Sam.
"Because this is bigger than us, it's bigger than just two people! We're talking about the Apocalypse; the END of the world, Jess. And if there is no world there is no you." As he said the last sentence his tone lowered delicately. "I'm doing this for us, all of us. Can't you understand that?" His sad and innocent puppy-dog eyes tugged at her heartstrings, making it hard to breathe. It was etched in his eyes and soul that he thought he was doing right. She understood his motives, and was appreciative for the struggle, but knew he was headed down the wrong path. This path led to suffering, no brilliant, nurturing light at the end.
"I can." Jessica confessed as she let her head hang over her shoulders leisurely. "But this...it isn't the way to go. You're destroying yourself, Sam."
Her beautifully distressed eyes stung Sam like an arrow through his heart, but he kept his emotions hidden. "Destroying myself? That's a little melodramatic, don't you think?" Sam jeered.
Jessica shook her head at his mock. Her eyes locked with his to make her message clear. "If this is the only way to save the world, I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I'd rather die than watch you destroy yourself and everyone around you." Jessica moved in closer to Sam. "So you have got to make a choice, me, or the bitch." Sam shook his head back and forth, it straggly brown hair swaying with the rhythm. He was given an ultimatum, a challenge to choose. Sam felt every single part of him implode at her words. The way he cared for her was so strong it made him ache and brought him to his knees. But this was the world she was playing Russian roulette with. How could he make a choice? Ruby was helping him, making him stronger, strong enough to take out his sister-in-law. But Jessica, she has his whole heart and love. This was a choice that no matter which he picked, only pain would follow.
"Watch your ass out there Rufus, and thanks." Bobby said with a huff before setting the phone down. Just as he was about to have a sip of his coffee his door bell rang. As he opened the door he examined the sluggish way she stood, a large bag strapped over her shoulder, a trail of tears rolling down her cheek.
"Hi, can I stay here for a while?" Jessica's sad voice was as quiet it was almost a whisper. Bobby's face fell far as possible as he nodded, giving her permission and welcoming her. As more tears cascaded down her face and brows came together as her face crumpled, Bobby spread his arms apart from each other and embraced her in a comforting, fatherly hug. Heartbroken, she held onto Bobby like he was her safety net. Sam had chosen Ruby over her, he chose the darkness. The moment he picked a side was the moment she ended things with him once and for all. Before coming to Bobby's she visited the hospital to get a check up on her and Sam's child. The child was fine. She didn't know whether to be relived or upset. Sam was no longer part of her life, though in a way he would always be the biggest piece of it. On the way out of the hospital she had overheard two other pregnant women discussing abortions, how they were contemplating it, which stuck in Jess' mind.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
The beautiful rays of the sun that sparkled on anything it touched faded to darkened shadows quickly. The sun, earth and moon aligned together and caused an eclipse. As mesmerizing and rare as this sight was to see Haley and Dean longed to see only one thing: their son's face. His sandy blonde hair, baby eyes and round chubby cheeks, and a smile so innocent it could get anything it wanted. This was what their hearts begged for; it was like a thirst that couldn't be quenched. The eclipse made the gas station and the workers seem scarier than they were. Haley and Dean sat on the hood of the van as they went over how to approach Crowley and what to expect from him.
"Okay, let's do this." Dean said. He was already off of the van and heading for the door. He was eager to get started.
"Dean, wait...I ugh..." Haley called as she jumped down from the van with a low thud.
"What?" He asked while turning around with a confused expression as if he forgot something.
"When we get Jamie back where do we go?" Her chocolate eyes filled with longing to be next to him, to have things like they were. Dean didn't even have to ask her what she meant by the question, he knew exactly what she meant when he looked into her eyes.
Dean hung his head over his shoulders and shook his head slowly. "I don't know." He replied in hushed tones.
"What kind of answer is that?" Haley needed to know where they stood. If they were alright with each other and just needed time to rebuild what was broken or if she should be anticipating Ruby's knife being stabbed in her chest.
"I don't know, Haley." His voice grew deeper as he walked towards her. "You're a demon, plain and simple. You lied to my face for seven years." Something pained in his voice tugged at Haley's chest making it heavier.
"I'm so sorry. I just...I don't know what else I can say or do to-" Tears hung on her eyes as she delivered a genuine heartfelt apology to her husband, to the one she never intended or wanted to hurt ever.
"There is nothing." He said flatly trying to hide any emotion. It was difficult for him to see her this way, but he needed to keep his head clear so he just kept picturing everything John ever taught him about demons. All those years and crap John put him through, things Dean secretly hated him for, it all proved to be useful at one point or the other and now he couldn't understand why he had so much resentment towards his father for the things he'd done. At the end of the day John made Dean a better hunter, stronger, faster, and most of all, wiser.
His words smashed into her heart like a wrecking ball hitting a building. "…So what, I mean, you decide just like that?" Seven years wasn't much to a demon. To Haley, hers and Dean's relationship were still in diapers. It couldn't end this quickly.
"What do you want me to say?" Dean threw his hands in the air. He had no answers, not for any of it anymore.
"I don't know, say SOMETHING. Anything is better than 'nothing'." Her tone rose to a small shout. It didn't take Dean by surprise, this was a frayed subject.
"We've spent the last seven years together, six of which we've been married. I told you EVERYTHING. I let you in deeper than anyone else in the world and you..." The words poured out from Dean, if he was going to do this he was going to make his point clear and make her walk in his shoes. As he moved closer to Haley, just two steps away from her he stopped and took a long pause looking down. "How could you never tell me what you were?" He asked as he raised his head and looked into her eyes.
Haley turned her head so she wasn't looking at Dean anymore. She couldn't stand to look into his weeping emerald eyes. He sounded so betrayed. It made Haley feel like a traitor. "Because I knew what you'd say." She confessed as her lungs became smaller.
"Oh really, and what's that?" Dean was becoming agitated by her claiming to know him so well.
"I'm a monster." A word anyone would be hated to be called, especially by the one they love most. Dean scoffed and pressed his beer to his lips while turning his head away from her. "I was. God, you don't know how much I was. But when I saw you...Everything changed. I changed, you changed me. And I don't regret a single moment I've spent with you or the path I chose, because otherwise we wouldn't have gotten Jamie and seven years of happiness, of wonder and joy. Of something I can never have, something I can only have with you, heaven."
Haley had moved so close to dean he could feel her warm breath on his skin. As he heard her heart bleeding tears began to fog up his eyes and hang there. He was so close to breaking, it took all the strength he had to hang on this long. "Please...Can't we just be us again?" She asked with a pleading smile as she pressed her soft hands on both sides of Dean's cheeks, pulling him in and forcing their heads to touch. Dean kicked back the tears with everything he had in him and placed his hands on top of Haley's, then gently removed them from his face.
"No. I don't think we...I don't think we can ever be like we were..." Haley gasped as the sharpest of things sliced her heart and jabbed her ribs. The tears ran rapid from her eyelids as Dean turned away from her. Haley covered her face with her hands as she got lost in the tears and pain. Dean was happy his back was to her face, not just because he couldn't bear seeing her cry but because he couldn't bear her seeing him cry. Dean quickly shut his torn emerald eyes as he felt the tears closing in on him. It didn't prevent anything. His ears bled with the piercing sound of his wife's cries. Tears fell from Dean's eyes and roll down his cheeks. His cheeks went crimson and head begun to pound as his face scrunched together. He didn't know if he could stand living with her, being with her, a demon, so this was his only option. After they get Jamie, it's over. That conclusion cut to the bone.
Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us
Months passed since they came to an end. They still searched together. It was awkward, painful and uncomfortable to be in such close proximity with each other, but they suffered it for Jamie. Crowley wasn't any help. He wouldn't lend his sister a hand, just like he had said several months earlier. He told her they would betray her and she'd come crawling back to him and he was right. Instead of help, Haley got a big fat 'I told you so' from Crowley. After that they continued with omens, breaking into demon hives, visiting psychics, the odd black and white cases and Dean screaming his head off for Castiel. Castiel never answered Dean once, and Dean started to lose hope. He tried calling Sam everyday but he'd only return with cryptic messages. Dean didn't have the time or patience to chase after him either. Jessica had kept what went down between her and Sam a secret for Dean and Haley, not wanting to pile more problems on them. Bobby worked tirelessly on the seals, while Jessica took on Jamie's case.
After four months they were led right around back into a circle and needed a break to get back on their feet. To reassess and lay out all they've learned while on this 'goose chase' as Dean liked to call it. They returned to their home that was now emptier than it was when they first built it. Dean threw his duffle bag down where Haley had thrown hers and he collapsed into the couch with a groan. His hands gripped the fluffy texture and snuggled it close to him. Haley didn't pay any attention to Dean of her surroundings; she just walked up the stairs and headed straight for Jamie's room. As her hand turned the knob and the door opened slowly her heart broke all over again. The empty room reminded her that her son wasn't safe, in her arms where he belonged. She wondered how many times her heart could break before it broke that one final time and caused her to snap. As she walked aimlessly around the room she couldn't help but notice what a state it was in, how messy it was. As any mother would, she started to pick up his small clothing and throw them into a dirty laundry pile.
Dean had just got to the doorway when he saw her tidying up the room. "What are you doing?" His hoarse voice asked when he stepped into the room.
"Cleaning, we can't have Jamie coming home to a dirty room, I mean, that's just unhealthy." Haley chuckled while putting his basketball ball on one of the shelves in his bookcase.
Dean walked by Haley's side and took hold on the teddy she was holding and beginning to cradle. "You should go and get some rest."
"No. I have to get this room cleaned; he wouldn't want it like this. You know how Jamie is, Dean, he takes after me, he likes his room clean." Haley's words rushed out frantically, she was losing it. Dean gripped on the bear tighter but Haley yanked it away. She yanked it so hard she fell to the ground. As she landed tears began falling out her tired eyes, not because of the fall but because of her son. She held the beat to her chest and cradled it as if it were Jamie. As Dean watched her rocking back and forth he couldn't help but remember that one day Castiel took him back in time. That distraught mother rocking back and forth because of her son's death, and now Haley was doing the same.
Regardless if they separated and that she is a demon they over the last few months learned how to speak to each other. Granted, their conversations had become routine and almost scripted, but it was better than before. Dean lowered himself to his knees and without him even noticing it his hand laid on her shoulder and brushed it. It wasn't until his body willingly comforted her did he realize he no longer resented her, but in fact wanted to provide comfort to her, much like a friend would. It was different from when they were together, but a step in the right direction. Haley's burning honey eyes looked at him as she choked on her tears. Dean let his arms slide down her back and pulled her into an embrace. His arms held her close to his chest and he tucked her face under his chin. Haley's arms held onto his body willing, gripping tight as the tears soaked his shirt. "Shh, it's okay. It's gonna be okay." His tender words were certain, so certain they restored her hope. This moment, it was exactly what they needed. Now they could breathe again and fight this war hand in hand. "We're gonna get him back." Dean said with a grin on his face as if they had already won.
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again