Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter Ten :)

I woke up alone, confused and uncertain of my future. Yesterday had turned out to be one of my good days, although good days were a rarity in my world now; but I felt grateful for having one all the same. Spending it with Brendan was simply amazing; being touched by his hands, being wrapped up in him…this certainly was life at its best. I felt like he was all I needed and in a world that seemed full of lies and mistakes, this man had become my truth, my something right.

I wondered though, why him? Was it because he knew things about me? That I had told him what a failure I am? Was I just attaching myself to him because he listened to me? I know it's his job to listen, but it was more than that. Now though lying here alone I'm wondering what to expect now. Maybe I should just leave, go back home to Amy and the kids and try and sort out all this mess. Only I'm scared to leave because when I'm with him I'm happy, when I'm with him the black clouds disappear and all I can see is the sun.

"Hey you're awake"

He came into the room with a breakfast tray, munching on a bit of toast as he approached the bed.

"Am I dreaming?" I replied.

He was full of warmth and smiles and it only made me want him more.

"Ye never had breakfast in bed Steven?"

"I'm not on about the breakfast" I replied honestly.

It sounded corny and the minute I said it I wanted to take it back, but he didn't seem to mind and that made me feel better about it.

"Really? He replied shoving more food into his mouth.

I didn't expect this, breakfast, him being so normal towards me. I thought he'd want me gone, but maybe he felt the connection as well. I looked at him and saw my own loneliness and neediness reflected back, he felt everything I felt and he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. I'd never felt like that before with anyone, but sometimes you just click with someone and I think I've just met my someone.

He brings his face to mine and I can't move. I can't breathe. I close my eyes as I feel his breath on me, then his lips brush over my lips and I melt into his mouth. His breath is sweet and the taste of coffee lingers in his mouth. I feel my whole body respond to him, one kiss and I'm his again, ready and willing to do anything he wants.

"So Steven…what do you wanna do today?"

"This is fine."

"This…what sex again? You're even more insatiable than me."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, but I can think of something else to do today."

"Oh yeah what's that?"

"I think it's time I met your Amy."

"Why? She's had enough of me. I've already told you that."

"I can help ye, I can tell her ye making changes and looking for work though."

"But I'm not."

"Yeah but ye will. Don't ye wanna go home?"

"Oh I see what this is. You've had ya bit of fun with me and this is a polite way of saying that I've out stayed my welcome."

"What? I'm trying to help ye."

"Yeah of course you are."

"Why ye being like this Steven?"

"Being like what?"

"I want to help ye, it doesn't always have to be like this. Why are ye always so defensive?"

"I'm not I just don't want you making out you give a shit when you're clearly trying to get rid of me."

"I'm not trying to get rid of ye, but I do think Amy needs to know that you're okay. What about ye kids?"

"They are better off without me anyway."

"Steven ye need to make some changes and I can't help ye…I want to help ye."

"Well I don't need your help Brendan; I've never needed your help."

"My mistake Steven."

"No its my mistake, thinking that you could look at me in any other way than a fucked up scally."

I didn't wanna leave him, of course I didn't but how was this ever going to work out. He lives in a completely different world than I do. I'm a mess; paranoid, insecure and he will only make me feel worse about myself. I get out the bed trying to hide my naked form. I feel his eyes on me, soaking me in and I desperately want to take back everything I've just said, but it's too late now.

"Ye going?"

"I think it's for the best don't you?"

"No I don't. See this is why I resisted ye. I knew you'd end up fucking with me. Ye have too much going on inside ye head. I know I've been there,"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing…let's just forget it."

"No I want to know."

"I'm not doing this now Steven. Ye wanna go? Ye know where the door is…go."

He leaves the room and I feel like a total idiot. I look around for my clothes and then remember that I left them in the bathroom. They are dirty and smell of sick, I can't go back to Amy and the kids like that, so I reluctantly dress into the clothes that Brendan left for me. My clothes are only fit for the bin now. I make my way into the living room hoping to see Brendan; I really don't wanna leave it like this between us, but the flat is empty and Brendan is nowhere to be seen.

I could leave him a letter if I wasn't so stupid, but I can't even do that. Why do I always have to fuck everything up? I like him…I really like him and now I've pushed him even further away from me. I take one last look at the flat, this was where I first felt true happiness after all, and then I turn around and head on out of the door.

I walk for a bit and try to clear my head. I really thought that I could have had something with Brendan, but I've just ruined any chance of a future with him. That's all I ever seem to do, mess everything up, it's the story of my life. Maybe I should go back to his and sort things out, I want to, but I guess I'm just too embarrassed, so I take the two buses home instead.

The minute I'm back I feel the dark clouds surround me again and the memories of Brendan already feel so long ago. I walk up the path to the flat and I'm already dreading the reaction Amy's gonna give me, she made her feelings quite clear a few weeks ago. I knock at the door and stand back a little, I know I'm asking a lot coming back here, but I don't know where else to go. Amy opens the door and pulls me into a hug, I flinch a little as I wasn't expecting her to do that.

"Is everything okay Ames?"

"Yes Ste, I'm just glad to see that you are okay. You have hurt me a lot and I'll never forget the things you've put me through, but I want to help you. Especially now a few things have been explained to me. We weren't sure if you'd come home or not. Anyway come on in."

"What things Amy? And who's we?"

I follow Amy inside and I'm shocked at who is sat down playing with Lucas and drinking tea.

"Daddy" shouts Lucas.

"Hello Steven."

My heart is beating fast and it feels like it's in my throat. I thought I'd blown it with him, but maybe i was wrong…maybe he does care.

"Brendan what are you doing here?"

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