Chapter 10
"I know I fucked up, baby. Give me a chance."
"How many more?"
If you think it will shut him off, you're completely wrong. One thing that won't change: he never gives up until he gets what he wants. The guy is determined. Shameless even. He moves closer. I keep my face straight. He touches me. I melt.
Same effect every fucking time.
"Baby…" He pleads, kissing the back of my hand with that busted lip of his.
"We can't do this forever, Edward." I sigh.
"One last time, I promise." He said that before. I'm skeptical and he knows it. "Please, baby, I need you for fucks sake."
"It's the best if we focus on our career—"
"Bullshit."
"No, Edward. It's time for us to fucking move on!"
"Fuck that. Move in with me."
Did I hear him right?
"What?" I look at him as if he is insane. He shrugs.
"Move in with me. In LA. We'll figure this out. Together."
"It's a fucking bad idea." I respond coldly, getting up and pacing back and forth in my living room. He isn't serious. He's just being a sweet talker right now because I refuse him.
"It's not." Those eyes never leave mine. "What are you afraid of?"
It's you. I'm afraid you will break me again.
"I can't be with you. Not anymore." I say, looking at him in the eye. He doesn't take it well, of course.
"Why? Is that because of that guy?" he yells. "Are you two in relationship or something?"
No, we are not. But he doesn't need to know that.
"Oh, come on, baby, the world knows you don't have any feelings toward him. Even blind man can see it." He says confidently.
"Time can change that."
Those emeralds darken.
"No, I won't let that happen."
"Get out of my apartment." I reply instantly. Which a part of me kinda regrets. While the other part applauds me in the background.
"Doesn't stop me from getting back in." He challenges, raising an eyebrow.
"Then I'll fucking sell this and buy a new one." I bite back.
"No, you won't." He shakes his head. Seems like the idea kinda terrifies him.
"I will if you don't leave now."
My threat works because after a contemplative silence he gets up.
"I'll come back, you know that."
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Jasper never answers my calls. It's funny how the situation is twisted.
I try to get a hold of him like crazy, even contacting Rose who is now busy with fashion weeks.
She says he just needs time. She says he's a forgiver. She says he will never leave me.
Damn right I'm an evil.
For a month, I busy making public appearances. Alice idea, of course. She wants me to be known more that Edward Masen ex-girlfriend. I come to many events. Galas, award ceremonies, philanthropy things. I'm fast become America's sweetheart.
Edward drops his single around early August which makes even more speculations about our brief date and dramatic break-up. Media says it's just a publicity stunt. Well, they can fuck themselves for all I care.
To make everything worse, he has to say something about me when interviewed by GQ for his cover shoot. I don't know if he's just being honest or manipulative. I don't know if he wants to restart the same game or start a new one. I don't know what his real intention is. And I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know about him anymore.
So, people assume your new single 'Please Don't Go' is about your recent break-up with Bella. Is that true?
Well, to be honest, my songs are mostly about her.
In this new album?
No, in all albums. I think a lot of my inspiration comes from her.
You've known each other for long?
Yeah, actually. Before the fame and shit. We've been friends for years. It's…complicated.
Friends who dated?
On and off.
And how's it going right now? I mean, the break-up seems pretty bad.
Yeah, I fucked up. But people make mistakes, you know.
Do you still love her?
I don't think I'm gonna stop.
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Jasper finally returns my calls. He says that he just needed time to clear his mind and now we're good. He seems sincere when he says it, making me hate myself more.
VMA is on the late August. This year it's held at Madison Square Garden, New York. And the good news is I'm nominated as Best New Artist. So freaking excited.
I'm dressed in black, posing here and there on red carpet. Since that interview, the attention is totally back on me again. Yeah, seems like my attempts to be out of his shadows are meaningless.
The event goes pretty smoothly. No sight of Edward anywhere near the venue and I won my first nomination. Perfect.
When it comes to after party, my dress is shorter and my heels are higher. Yeah, now I'm best friends with high-heels, thanks to Alice.
I sip my cocktail quietly, just relaxed and enjoying the music when someone takes a seat next to me. I glance. He stares instead. I know him, of course. One of the successful rappers in music industry right now, but also known by his bad reputation: Jake Black.
"Hey, mind if I join you?" he asks after a beat of silence, unbelievably polite while throwing me a lopsided grin. Such a charmer.
"No, not at all."
"You're alone?" he questions. Something that he already knows the answer.
"Yeah, are you?" I ask back. I saw him bring his date earlier.
"Kinda. I ditched my date." The guy shrugs nonchalantly.
Oh, and you have no problem admit it to me?
"How mean." I comment.
"She'll understand."
I look around. "She won't come after me, right?"
He laughs. "You're so cute."
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Jake asks me out. Which I, of course, decline. But he's persistent. And I like how he's always being straightforward and unfiltered. So I finally give it a try. Yeah, because why not, right? He's cool and good looking. And he probably can take my mind off Edward and his new drama.
We have dinner at some fancy restaurant. He's wearing some bad ass leather jacket and ripped jeans, making me feel overdressed with this double layer jumpsuit. The meal is so delicious, one of the best in town. We sip our wine, talking about almost everything. I'm surprised he's not as annoying as he looks. Hell, I may think he's kinda funny.
"Has being famous bored you out?" I ask curiously.
"No. I think I love it." He replies without a doubt.
"Ah, you love the attention."
"Nah. I love being rich and surrounded by hot girls." I make a face. He chuckles. "What? I'm just being honest."
"Of course." I mock.
"Do you like me, Bells?" he asks all of sudden with that half-serious expression of his.
I smirk. "Sort of."
"Good. Because I think I like you a lot."
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.
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One date turns into two, three, and often. Then the next thing I know media makes assumption that we're dating. The gossips circulate like crazy, but I don't think Jake put so much thought about it. We hang out a lot. Meeting new people, new circle. His friends, his crew. It's easy being with him. Just doing fun things together. Nothing serious. No feelings involved.
For a moment, I begin to hope again. Hope for a fresh start.
Hope I finally can erase him from my mind.
EPOV
My thumb can't keep scrolling through this shitty gossip website. I don't know when it starts, but now it becomes a whole new fucking routine to me. This shit is addicting. Knowing where she has been and who she's with. Jake Black. That piece of shit. Reading it makes my head boil. How in the hell they are together right now?
Damn it. Of course it's my fault.
My babygirl is innocent. Oblivious, even.
Never realizes she has had my heart since the very first time we met. My silly babygirl.
She always says something about me playing the games. And I let her believe whatever she wants to fucking believe. It's easier this way. Especially when you already get bad reputation. Well, fuck, she doesn't know in reality I'm dying every time I see the hurt in those beautiful eyes.
I love her thoroughly for fucks sake, how can she not see that? It's not just about sex. Never has been. Believe me, pussy is easy to get here. I can have it all the way I want, as many as I want. But I'm looking for more.
I know I'll make a shitty boyfriend. I know I never stay. Come and go, she says. Part of my games, she says.
She's tired of it. But I am too.
I'm scared as fuck. I'm scared every fucking time I'm with her. Scared that I'll never be good enough. Scared I'll lose her someday to a better man. Scared that she'll realize she's capable to break me.
The greater my feelings, the more I'm thinking. And I'll fuck up every time I over think. I will flee, running away from the problems, convincing myself that our relationship never works. I will start doing anything to forget her, partying and fucking around. Only to regret it after. Because at the end of the day, I know all my attempts are useless. It's only her I can think of. Only her I'll go back to. A sick cycle.
I'm an asshole, the world knows that. She knows that. But she always welcomes me when I run to her. Even with those puffy and sad eyes. The sight that always breaks my heart. She makes me want to change. To become a better man. I swear to God, I want. She deserves more that I can give. But it's so fucking hard. Believe me, I've tried.
It turns out the same.
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September, thirteenth. Our fifth September thirteenth. If we're together at all. I spend the day thinking of her, drinking alone in the crowded place. Just ignoring everybody that wants to get close. Such a special day. I'm all blue only for her birthday. And as soon as it's over, I go back to my house, sleeping with the gifts I never give her.
.
.
.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
But being an asshole I am, I text her instead. Stop doing it. You know he'll never replace me.
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"What do you mean you're not going?" Peter yells. Our conversation always turns out like this these days. He says I'm being difficult. I just need a break. But God forbids I do that too. Well, screw him and Aro. They can make money themselves.
"I'm not in the mood for this shit." I reply.
"What's so hard about it? You just need to sit the fuck down and promote your new album!" he says. Like it's easy. He never knows what it feels like to be asked about your own privacy.
"You know I'm not a television person. Just cancel it."
Besides, I've made much money for the company already. I'm sure my album will still be a hit without doing these stuffs.
"Fine. Whatever. Just do what the fuck you want."
.
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When the feelings become too much, I fly to New York. Because I need to see her. I have to see my baby. It's two a.m. when I arrive and her apartment is empty. Does she stay at the jerk's place? The thought of him touching her makes me angry. But again, I'm a sinner myself.
I sleep on her bed, taking all her scents. It's so cold and lonely without her here. I wonder if she feels it too when I'm not around.
Come home. I can't help but texting her.
She doesn't reply but I know she reads it.
She's home at nine in the morning. I can smell coffee from the kitchen. Getting up, I make a way out of the bedroom only to find her slim figure standing by the window. We're alone, thank God. The last thing I need is the dog is tagging along.
"I never understand you, Edward." She sighs. The voice sounds so tired. It's like she wants to quit but she can't. Just like me. We're falling too deep. I wait as she turns around to face me. That beautiful face is now covered by sadness. I'm lost in her eyes.
"You don't have to." I say, approaching her. She laughs bitterly, clueless that I yearn of her touch so much.
"Of course. Anything is easy with you." She replies sarcastically.
I caress her cheek with the back of hand. It's so soft and kissable, just like her lips. She leans in without thinking. It's an involuntary gesture.
"Do you love them?" I end up asking, anything to distract me from the thought of kissing her right now.
She knows well whom I talk about, but still asking, "Who?"
"Jasper, Jake. Do you love them?"
She looks away for a second before meeting my eyes. I already know the answer, though. I just want her to say it out loud. To herself.
"Oh, now you care?" her tone is acid. I don't blame her.
"Say it." I press even though she hates me so much already. "Say you love them and I'll leave now." I dare her. The thought of leaving her terrified me, but I need her to admit it. Even her eyes say no.
"I don't." She finally says quietly. I adore her honesty. I adore her kind heart. My baby is such a dream. "How about you? Do you love your girls?" the bitterness in her voice is obvious. Still, I can detect the sorrow there.
"You know I don't."
"Do you have any feeling at all, Edward?" there she goes again slapping me with words.
"What do you think?" I ask back, trying so hard to act indifferent while I'm hurting inside.
"Well, no, I think you're just an empty soul."
"Right." I say.
"So what's it all about? Why'd you keep coming back at me?" she asks, frustrated.
Because my love, baby, is too much to bear.
"I don't know." I reply instead.
I do know.
"Do you… do you love me?"
She looks so vulnerable and I hate to lie through my teeth. "I don't know."