Author's Note: 5 months and 17 days until the end of Harry Potter (sad). I think R.A.B. is Regulus Black (watch me be wrong). This chapter is longer than the last, enjoy.

Hey, James, why are you looking so sour?

Lily…

What happened?

What happened? YOU TWO BLOODY IDIOTS IS WHAT HAPPENED!

You punctured a hole in the parchment.

Not helping, Padfoot.

Just trying to lighten the mood. I'm the comic relief whenever James is being grumpy about Lily and you're nose has a Permanent Sticking Charm to a book.

HEY!

Well it's true. The way you walk around with books sometimes! Snogging girls is MUCH more interesting!

What's interesting about it? The snogging or the detention you always get for it afterwards?

Tough choice. Detentions are kind of fun. Except when I have to serve them with Filch.

I was being sarcastic you idiot!. You. Are. A. Big. Humungous. Idiot.

BOTH of you are big, humungous idiots! What possessed you to do that?

…Do what?

Would you be referring to the cereal incident this morning?

Yes.

Mate, it's all part of our brilliant plan!

Excuse me; did you say "brilliant"?

I sure did.

How is blowing up somebody's cereal and making them grow cereal all over their skin, brilliant?

Our plan is to humiliate Harry and make him look like a fool in front of Lily and in the process get Lily to fall for you and forget Harry.

Sounds complicated.

Why do you think I'm helping out?

Ah. Oh, back to my anger. YOUR STUPID PLAN IS ALREADY BACKFIRING!

How?

Lily was fussing over Harry until she saw him coming in to the class. Then Alice told her exactly what happened and it got WORSE!

Oops.

Yeah, you should of heard her. "Poor Harry!…I can't believe anybody would do that to him!…I hope Harry's okay…I hope Harry is fine…I hope Madam Pomfrey will be able to fix Harry up…" Harry, Harry, Harry! I HATE THAT NAME SO MUCH!

Don't worry Prongs, we'll try harder.

TRY HARDER????? YOUR FIRST ATTEMPT HAS LILY TALKING ABOUT HIM NON-STOP! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT THIS MESSED UP EVEN MORE?

Calm down, Prongs. Breathe. Ignore Padfoot's comment and let me explain. What you saw today at breakfast was just laying the groundwork.

…groundwork? For what? For getting Lily to completely ignore me forever? Well, I can tell you now it's already working. I can tell you right now what's probably going to happen on our patrol tonight. "Harry...Harry...Harry...Harrry...Harry..." HAVE I MENTIONED I HATE THAT NAME????

Yes, you'e mentioned you hate that name and no we aren't planning on getting Lily to ignore you forever.

What exactly are you planning to do?

It involves some snooping!

Please tell me you're at least going to give yourself a better nickname.

What's wrong with Sirius the Snooper? They both start with "S"! It fits!

Do you have to call yourself that?

No. I only refer to myself as that in the snoop book.

Snoop book?

Yes. The notebook I enter my spying and snooping adventures in.

Snoop book?

Wait, don't tell me, you think it's a horrible name

SNOOP BOOK?

That's a yes, Padfoot.

HOW COME EVERYBODY MAKES FUN OF THE NAMES I COME UP WITH????

Because they're stupid.

Incredibly stupid.

Stupid doesn't even begin to describe it.

That's how stupid the names are.

I don't care. I am still sticking with "Sirius the Snooper" and "snoop book" and there's nothing you can do to convince me to change them.

I got some Honeyduke's Chocolate upstairs.

…Chocolate?

Yes. Chocolate. Imagine it: a luscious milk chocolate bar melting in your mouth as you take a bite in to it. Your taste buds soar as you chew and swallow the sweet, sweet chocolate and bite in the crunchy almonds.

Moony, stop, there's a drool puddle on the desk.

Oh, sorry. Sirius, I lied. I have no chocolate upstairs.

YOU EVIL PERSON!

You'll live.

No I won't! This is chocolate we're talking about, Moony! CHOCOLATE!

Two things. One, there's always chocolate in the kitchens. Two, we weren't even talking about chocolate in the first place.

We weren't? Wait, they have chocolate in the kitchens???

No and yes. We started talking about how we're idiots, progressed to your horrible naming-skills, and then we went to chocolate.

CHOCOLATE?

You're a hopeless case, Padfoot.

You sound like McGonagall.

Ouch!

Me as McGonagall...I think I might barf.

NOT ON THE PARCHMENT!

No, don't worry, the feeling passed.

Good.

So. What are you planning on doing to Harry next?

It's a surprise. I will tell you, however, I have a large number of plans and you shouldn't even bother trying to look for them in any notebook because I've stored all of them in my head.

What'll you do about the Lily falling for me bit?

I'll be prodding Lily towards you and convincing her that she likes the wrong Potter. I also plan to make Harry seem the exact opposite of what she thinks he is.

Thank goodness it's you and not Padfoot!

HEY! I COULD DO JUST A GOOD A JOB AS MOONY!

Remember the last time you tried to help me out with Lily?

Not really.

Let me refresh your memory. Imagine, we're in sixth year, in the Gryffindor common room, and it's jam-packed with students. You suddenly bound down the dormitory staircase and bellow, "OI! EVANS! FANCY A SNOG WITH JAMES? I CAN RECOMMNED SOME NICE BROOM CLOSETS FOR THE TWO OF YOU!"

Oh yeah! Lily sent me to the hospital wing for three full days…Moony, I hand the dangerous task of handling Lily to you. I wish you good luck and advise you to duck whenever you feel the need.

Yeah, you might want to listen to Sirius on the last bit. When with Lily, learn to duck. Nice to know who the trustworthy ones in the group are

HEY! I'm trustworthy! I haven't blabbed any of your secrets to anybody. Not even you, MOONy!

Okay, I get it.

You sure you guys can't tell me anything about what your planning?

Absolutely.

Completely.

Thoroughly.

Wholly.

Utterly.

Unanimously.

Totally.

Please, both of you need to shut up.

We were going to stop anyway.

Yeah, we ran out of words to describe how sure we were.

Thank Merlin.

I thought you'd be happy that I've extended my vocabulary.

Extended your vocabulary? I saw Moony whispering to you what to write when you got stuck for a new word.

No you didn't.

Yeah, I did. You're a terrible liar, Moony. We found that out back in second year.

Shut up.

It's true!

You should still shut up.

I'll get Sirius to shut up. But I'm still mad at you guys.

You won't be for long

Okay, I don't get. I have a reason to be mad. I've liked Lily for years and then this guy shows up and steals her affection. A guy who looks JUST LIKE ME I might add. Besides the eyes. Why are you guys mad?

We're being good friends.

Thanks.

You're welcome, Jealous Prongs.

Shut up, Moony.

THE RETURN OF SIRIUS THE SNOOPER

With help from Moony the Maniac

I demand a different name!

No.

Day One (After Dinner, Gryffindor Common Room)

I thought you already had a day one.

That was with the old book. I'm starting a new book so I'm starting over with the day count.

Oh yeah, because THAT makes a load of sense.

You're being sarcastic aren't you Maniac?

Yes and I DEMAND A DIFFERENT NAME!

No.

I'm going to explain what this notebook is for before I kill you. I will document my attempts to point Lily in the direction of James and Sirius will document his attempts at embarrassing Harry and making him look like a fool to the entire school, especially Lily.

We begin tomorrow!

Why tomorrow?

I'm tired.

May I remind you that we're supposed to be good friends to James right now?

May I also remind you that my mind does not work too well if I'm too tired or too hungry?

Sirius…

Night maniac!

NAME CHANGE! NAME CHANGE! NAME CHANGE!!!!! I WANT A NAME CHANGE!

Day Two (Boys Dormitory, After Dinner)

I'm putting in my attempts to prod Lily toward James before Sirius puts in his attempt to embarrass Harry. So, I was in the library on a break period, mainly because Lily was in there too. Yes, I used the map to see if she was in there. So I spotted her in the Transfiguration section at a table. The poor girl. Charms is her forte, not Transfiguration. So she had plenty of books spread out to help out with the essay she was working on. So I walked casually over and sat down. Here's how it went.

Lily(without looking up from her essay): Hello, Remus.

Me: Hey, Lily. What're you working on?

Lily: The most evil subject in the world.

Me: Divination wasn't that bad. Except for when the loony teacher kept on making bad predictions about Sirius…and Peter…and when she predicted both you and James would die.

Lily: Oh, very funny, Remus.

Me: So how ARE you coming on in Transfiguration?

Lily(sighing): Horrible. I-I got a P on the last homework assignment McGonagall gave us.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry Lily.

Lily: You can't tell anybody or I will pull your lip over your head and force you to swallow it!

Me: I won't! I swear! Don't hurt me!

Lily: I won't…for now. Hey, do you think Harry might be able to help me with this essay?

Me: Er...no. Absolutely not. You might be terrible at but Harry is like a Transfiguration dunce! Did you see his first attempt at the armadillo we were supposed to be changing in to a beaver yesterday? Not only did it look like experimental breeding but the thing was rabid! It bit the Hufflepuff Harry was sitting next to! McGonagall had to stun it to get it off of him!

Lily: He got it eventually. After James and Sirius.

Me: Then why don't you ask James! He was the first to get out of the entire class.

Lily: Harry seems easier to work with…

Me: No, trust me, he isn't. James is practically teacher material! Seriously, ask him! He's had top marks in Transfiguration since we were in first year.

Lily: James will hit on me if I ask him.

Me: No he won't. I'll talk to him if you agree to ask him!

Lily: Fine! I'll ask him-

Me: Great!

Lily: -after I ask Harry first.

Me: But, Harry will say "no" automatically!

Lily: How can you be sure of that?

Me: I share a dormitory with him! I know what makes Harry tick. I can tell you right now he'll say no and even in the event he says yet he'll be rude, unhelpful-

Lily: How could you talk about Harry like that?

Me: By moving my jaw up and down and making my mouth form different shapes.

Lily: Remus Lupin, you know for a fact that's not what I meant.

Me: Okay, I know. Just put the very sharp and pointy quill down.

Lily: Would you ask Harry for me?

Me: Sure. I'll do that. I have to go now, I'll see you later.

Lily: Bye Remus.

I lied. No way was I going to ask Harry that. It'd be the perfect opportunity for him to hypnotize Lily even more! So I lied again and told Lily that Harry said he couldn't do it and his excuse was he was too busy with his own homework and organizing his Chocolate Frog card collection to help anybody else.

LAME! VERY LAME EXCUSE!

Shut it, Sirius. Let's hear about your attempt to embarrass Harry.

Er…lovely weather!

I take it didn't go too well.

No, it'll take a lot more to embarrass this guy.

What did you do?

Stop interrupting and let me get on with my story, Maniac!

Grrrrrrrrr

So, here's what happened. Harry is strolling along the Charms corridor, which is packed with people. So I get this sudden surge of brilliance! In the Charms corridor, too! Completely amazing. Anyway, I pull out my wand pointed at Harry and say (nonverbally, I might add) "Diffindo!"

Oh, I was passing at the time and I shall remember it until the day I die.

Hey, I didn't interrupt your story, you can't interrupt mine. So, as I was saying before Moony the Maniac rudely interrupted. I said, nonverbally, "Diffindo!" Then there was a loud "Rrrrrrriiiiiiiiipppp!"

Harry's pants split in two and fell down around his knees and Harry himself fell forward. I think he had still been trying to walk when his pants fell. So the whole corridor busted out laughing when they got a glimpse of Harry's bright red boxers covered with little golden Snitches. I expected redness from embarrassment…or tears. I expected some sort of reaction! Instead, Harry glared at them all, pushed himself up, repaired his pants and ran off down the corridor, hexing several laughing people on his way

He still reacted in a way. Not the way we were hoping for, but he still kind of reacted. But still, it definetly didn't go as planned.

I just said that, didn't I?

You'll have to try harder.

So will you.

Fine, we'll both try harder. Let's go down to the common room to tell James what we've done today. He needs a laugh, the boxer story will cheer him up.

Yeah, honestly. Red boxers with golden Snitches? James is obsessed with Quidditch and even HE doesn't have that kind of boxers.

...How would you know that?

I lived with him for a year. I ran away from home at sixteen and his parents treated me like their own son. Which meant normal chores! Not the horrid ones my parents made me do either. I got to do mine and James' laundry. Which also meant folding his laundy so I've seen every pair of underwear James owns.

I'm still disturbed by the fact that you knew that.