Disclaimer: I don't own White Collar, Neal, or any of the other characters (sadly).

Chapter 10

Peter sat at his desk staring at his computer screen for a long time trying to convince himself to do something. He'd filled out all of the necessary paper work from the bust. He'd updated Hughes on Caffrey's condition, even though nothing had changed. There was only one thing left to do. The tape. He had it sitting in front of him on the desk but made no move to start it. Suddenly there was a knock on the door frame. Peter looked up to see Diana standing there.

"You okay boss?" She asked him quietly.

"Yeah, it's just this tape. Evidence sent it over..." He trailed, unable to admit that he was scared to watch the contents. Diana seemed to understand though.

"Want some company?" She asked.

"You sure?" he asked uncertainly. If he was wary about seeing the tape he wasn't sure he wanted Diana to have to as well, even if she was volunteering. She just nodded. He couldn't help but feel relieved that he at least wouldn't have to see it alone. "Just don't tell my wife." he said with wry grin. Diana allowed herself a little grin before steering a chair around to he other side of Peter's desk. Peter hesitated a moment longer them started the tape.

From the start Peter felt like he would be sick. The way Rayllin mercilessly beat Neal, like he was a piece of meat or something. No, even meat wasn't beaten this brutally. Rayllin treated him like he wasn't even a human being. He'd expected it to be bad. But this far exceeded even his worst fear. The doctor was right, it really was a miracle Neal was still alive after what had been done to him. He had to stop the tape on several occasions because they couldn't stand to see the abuse he was being subjected to. When they got to the part where Rayllin began using the taser on Neal, Peter was so horrified that he was literally fighting nausea, fighting the urge to get out of his seat and run as far away from his computer as he could. Seeing his partner hanging there twitching in agony was bad enough before he started verbally taunting Neal. But then came the question he'd never expected.

"Do you want to die?" As horrible as he question was, the answer was even worse.

"Yes."

A quiet, broken, hopeless word that shattered Peter's heart. He'd seen Neal at his most desperate. He'd seen him completely blindsided by the worst possible circumstances. But through all of that he'd kept up a facade that Peter had never seen go down, insisting that he was fine. But that single word was worse than everything he'd seen Neal go through before. Kate's death broke Neal's heart, but what this man- no, this monster- did to him had utterly destroyed him. He was devoid of all hope, he didn't expect to be rescued, he just genuinely wanted it to end.

Peter had failed him. It had been up to him to find Neal and get him back safe. He'd failed miserably on both accounts. He became aware that Diana was talking to him.

"Peter. This isn't your fault."

"Yes it is. That bastard had him for three days. Did you see what he did to him. He'd given up because I couldn't find him. " He said in a defeated voice.

Diana gently put a hand on his shoulder. "It's not Peter." She said quietly. Her eyes were slightly wet by she wasn't bothering to hide it. Peter just shook his head slightly.

"Let's just... Finish the tape. There isn't much left." He said quietly. Dianna seemed hesitant to let Peter see any more of the tape, but she doubted anything she could say would stop him, so she very reluctantly started the tape again. The last section was as bad as the rest. It took a few moments for Peter to realize why Rayllin was telling Neal that Alex had died. It wasn't true. Alex was alive, and already out of the hospital now. He was confused as to how Rayllin had been so severely misinformed until he saw the reaction it got out of Neal. The devastation on his face as he described that Alex had not only died, but died a very slow painful death, was heartbreaking. Then Peter understood. Rayllin didn't care that it wasn't the truth, he just wanted to see the pain it caused Neal. All the physical pain he'd cause Neal wasn't enough for him. Peter barely noticed when Neal's agonized screams finally stopped when he mercifully lost consciousness. He and Diana both sat in stunned silence a long time, too horrified to speak. Finally Peter did.

"I've got to get back to the hospital. I'll call you if anthing happens." He said standing quickly and grabbing his jacket. Diana looked worriedly at Peter but didn't say anything else. There was nothing one could say to comfort a person after seeing a thing like that. Both of them exited Peter's office. Diana went back to her desk, and Peter had to control himself so as not to sprint out of the office. When he finally got into elevator he was beyond relieved to find it was empty. He pushed the first floor button, then flipped the switch that would turn the elevator off.

He leaned against the wall and took a deep breath, running a hand over his face. He was practically going to need counseling after watching the tape. He couldn't imagine what state Neal would be in when he woke up. He took a couple deep breaths, trying to compose himself. He had been trained for this, he'd always been strong even during horrible circumstances, but this was affecting him more than anything he'd ever come across in his FBI career, in his entire life. After he'd pulled himself back together (which took several minutes), he flipped the elevator back on and finished the trip back down to the ground floor.

He didn't glance at the annoyed people who had been waiting the strangely long time the elevator had taken to come back down to the lobby. He didn't pay attention to the busy side walks or the even busier streets as he got into his car and revved the engine. He was on auto pilot the entire way to the hospital. All he wanted to do was get to the hospital where Neal would be, with the heart monitor confirming that he really was alive, and El would be, telling him that everything would be okay. And that was exactly how everything was when he got back there. Neal still hadn't even moved since he'd been put in the hospital bed. Sure, they'd taken him to run some tests and scans, but those only went to show that he utterly refused to wake.

El noticed something was wrong almost immediately. She knew her husband well enough to know if something was bothering him, and even though that was a constant state for them all these days, she sensed there was something more to this. "Peter, is everything okay?" She asked her husband.

"Yeah." He said quickly, then changed his mind before El could even put on a disbelieving look. "No. It's not. Remember that tape I said we found at the scene? I watched it." He said, leaning forward so his elbows were on his knees and he could avoid looking at El's reaction. He hadn't been planning on telling her. Why upset her further? But he hadn't been able to hide his worry any better than he ever could hide things from his wife. He heard her gasp slightly but still didn't look up.

"How bad was it?" She asked tentatively.

"Bad." Was all he said. There was nothing else he could say. There were no words to describe the horrible, inhuman things Rayllin had done to Neal. His wife put her arms around him, and he buried his face in her hair, trying to get Neal's pain filled screams out of his head.

"Honey, it's not your fault." She said, just like Diana had. Except they were both wrong. Peter could've prevented all of this.

"El, he..." Peter almost told her the worst part of the tape. He came so close to saying that Neal had been utterly hopeless, that he hadn't even been expecting Peter to find him anymore, that he had genuinely wanted to die; but somehow he stopped himself. No, he wouldn't tell El that. It would devastate her as much as it had him, and he wouldn't put her through that as well.

"I know, honey, I know..." She comforted him quietly. You only think you know. He thought darkly. You don't know the half of it...

As the days crept by, Peter was getting more and more worried. He could tell the doctor (whom he'd quickly gotten on first name basis with) was as well.

"He should've woken up by now." Tony had told him. "It's expected after the kind of trauma he's been through for his body to take some time to recover, but the longer he's unconscious the lower his chances get." He said sadly. Even though he tried to say it gently, it still hit Peter like a ton of bricks. After the first couple days had passed with no improvement, he had known that it wasn't good. When those couple of days had stretched into a week, he had become seriously worried. No one said it out loud, but everyone knew it. Peter's stress level was through the roof, and it didn't take much to make him fire up. The worst example of this was possibly when he'd went in to interrogate Rayllin.

The man had shown no remorse whatsoever for what he'd done. In fact, the entire time Peter spoke about it he grinned horribly, like he was recounting a wonderful memory. He acted as though there was still some way he could get out of this, like he expected his friends in high places to pull a few strings and get him released. After he'd thrown out a few taunts about how it was too bad Neal wouldn't be around to see him freed, Peter snapped. He'd jumped out of his seat and, if it hadn't been for Jones holding him back, likely would've put the man in the hospital as well.

Hughes had ordered Peter to take a few days off from the case, telling him if he came in he'd have him thrown out of the building. Peter had very grudgingly followed orders, but the days off didn't lower his stress levels any. If anything it raised them even more, as did the feeling of uselessness. Not only had he failed to save Neal in time, but he couldn't even go after the guy who had done it anymore. El tried to distract him, but nothing she could say or do would help him, and she knew it.

Without work, Peter practically lived at the hospital. On several occasions El had to drag him home to rest. If she hadn't, there was a good chance he wouldn't leave Neal's bedside at all. He had failed Neal twice already, he had let him suffer more than any person in FBI normally did in his entire career, and he wasn't even an agent. He was not about to let him get hurt again. Peter was far beyond caring for himself anymore, he only cared about one thing: When would Neal wake up?

AN: Sorry if they seem OC. It's kinda hard accurately writing people in a way that we've never seen them before. Also, a little NCIS homage sneaked in there, two, actually. If you watch the show you'll know what I mean. New ep tonight! Woot! And don't worry, this story will pick up soon. Questions, comments, concerns, cries of outrage, you know where to put them. Please review. :)