Yay! Update! Mostly because Areesha was bothering me. XP.

Chapter Ten

Safe

Mark Calaway.

I couldn't stop thinking about him this month. His eyes, his hair, his skin, his face, his body, everything...he controlled my sheer existence. Did you know how sad that was? To be completely and utterly controlled by someone? Mind and body? Spirit and heart? I couldn't think of it. I couldn't possibly think of a way to get out of it. These feelings I had, they weren't just crush-like, they were strong, as Jeff's memories sunk into my brain, Matt and him--and for a while, Matt Hardy didn't seem so damn bad either. Matt's round face, and solid brown eyes, they were giving me comfort instead of giving me disgust and as my brain overtook with thoughts of me, Phil, whoever, that person that was CM Punk, seemed so damn treacherous. It was so weird, being into another body, seeing the way they thought of you. After a while, Jeff's thoughts were completely and utterly right. They made sense. It was now not stupid to wear a skirt, but fun. It was now not bad to drink alcohol, but something I felt like I enjoyed.

What was happening to me?

My entire body was controlled.

My mind.

My soul.

My heart.

I couldn't tear away from the fact that I may not feel like myself ever again. He was controlling me too bad. He had a spell cast over me. It was frightening, to know one day, you'll wake up in someone else's body and start thinking their way, seeing things their way. The things I hated became the things I loved right now. The silly things that I used to utterly loathe, like getting up in the morning and taking time to do my hair and clothing and to make myself look pretty and presentable, were now my favorites. I could finally see why he spend so much damn time drawing.

I was drawing right now.

Lines of red.

Love.

Spiral of blue.

Mystery.

Colors splattered across.

Life.

Motion.

The paintings and drawings were more alive then me, and now, with the pencil, as I let it drape across the soft paper, I realized why I felt this way. I realized that I would never be comfortable in anything anymore. I felt as if it was okay to drink but at the same time, a voice inside of me that seemed to be coming of nowhere was stopping me, trying to snap me back into sense, that I hated alcohol, that I wasn't Jeff Hardy, that I was CM Punk and I hated what he loved and loved what he could only loathe. That I didn't sleep in frilly black skirts and thongs, that I didn't wake up to look myself at the mirror, that I knew no matter whatever I did...

I was ugly.

There was also the fact that I loathed pets.

But being in this body made me hug every cat and every dog I saw and the way I saw the world, it wasn't battered into eternal darkness, it was battered into colors and sound and motions and I was fucking scared of everything because it wasn't the way I usually saw things. I began to doubt myself, began to doubt what I believed in, began to doubt the fire I was raised in, the fire of my soul that I always turned to...

I was completely under this spell. This trance of horror.

There was nothing I could do to stop myself from being so engulfed into this.

Nothing.

And that was the fucking scariest part of them all.

Another session.

Jeff showed up in my clothing, as simple as that, and I showed up in mine. I looked down at his clothing, and my mind began to think, thoughts that weren't mine, thoughts that were utterly Jeff's, about how dead I looked. I didn't doubt it for a second. I knew that was true. I knew I looked like a corpse. That was always how I intended to look. Dead. Because nothing meant more than being dead.

Nothing meant more than being buried underneath the ground.

What was there to live for?

Happiness?

Love?

"At least I can love."

That wasn't the only thing that kept on bugging and tugging at me during the session. It was how Mark treated Jeff. With all that affection and attraction, smiling at his giggles and brushes his hand against his cheek, whispering words of love I never got to listen, who could've blamed me for being so jealous? I was childish. I was greedy on the inside. Driven by my own greed, I only did what I could think of doing.

I knew this was stupid but I had to do it.

I sucked in my breath and held my head in my hands, trying to remember the feeling of nausea, trying to feel nauseous before I pretended to fall down, faint, a breath escaping my lips, a pretend gasp. I could feel Mark shaking me but I tried to keep a straight face and I tried not to let my eyes pop open. I tried to go along with this pretending game and he held onto me, carried me, I could feel how strong he was. He hopped into the car and laid me down onto the car and I felt the car move. I felt the motion and that was truly making me nauseous as I tried to stay in the same position, same face, same barely breathing state. I opened my eyes, barely opening my eyes, groaning in my best puppy dog sound so that Mark would stop and look at me. His eyes were cold and solid.

"Pet, that was a dirty trick. I know that you were faking."

Humiliation seeped against my body, burning against me, making my entire body turn brilliant red and for a moment, I was unable to speak. I was too ashamed of myself. Why did I do such a stupid trick? I looked up at the car's ceiling. "Pet. Why are so attached to me?"

I stared at him.

It was a stupid question. He knew it. I knew it.

"Because it's Jeff's body. He has memories of you that I remember, 'sitting down against a tree, putting a strawberry in Jeff's mouth, kissing onto his nose, holding onto him, stroking every inch of his body and shoving his hand so softly down his back, just to make him relax, and that thought warmed me. The romantic atmosphere that was around, the look in his eyes, the calmness that was in me...those memories that didn't even belong to me, I cherished. I didn't even own any memories. I owned nothing. Not even the smallest memory in this body. "He has hormones. I feel horny around you. I know what you two did. I know how he feelings and it's strong. It's not something that I can ignore and push away and you should know that, no?"

He had given in.

Drove me back to the hotel.

It wasn't long until we were both in bed, and he held onto me while I thought of Jeff. "You not leaving him, are you? I mean, why are you with him?"

He chuckled and stared down at my body. "Three reasons, he doesn't have Nightshifters at his throat and there's also the fact that he's out like a light before we even get to the hotel, unlike you, who spends all night just tossing around and three, it would be suspicious to everyone if I just started touching and holding onto Phil. You know, today, when we came back, no one even asked him where he was. He felt...very useless, my poor doll."

I spun around. I could feel the tears bubbling in my eyes. "Poor him?! Poor me! He felt useless for one day! I get to feel useless all the time! Oh lucky me! Just because he gets hurt once, everyone swoons over and rescues him. He can't handle a day in my life because he knows it's tough! And you stand here and protect him because he's your one true love. Who's there to protect me? I have nothing! So don't you say 'my poor doll' to that pampered brat that's now asleep! He didn't and still doesn't have it as hard as I do! He doesn't know how I fucking feel! He doesn't know how useless I feel everyday. He doesn't know how I used to cry myself to sleep every night just because I felt dead on the inside. He doesn't know how it feels like to have a heart torn like mine. So don't go all 'my poor doll' on me because I know..." by that time, the tears were falling. It was so damn unfair. Everyone cared about him. Nobody cared about me. "I know..."

He didn't do anything. He didn't even move to help me.

"Typical." I mumbled underneath my breath.

It didn't take long for Mark to fall asleep and to wrap his hands around me, to hold me, and I felt completely misunderstood right now. No one cared. No one would ever care for me. I just knew. I also just knew that there was one fact that I wanted to push behind my head that night, that one fact that haunted me, as I stared at his sleeping peaceful face. I didn't like Mark. I didn't love him. These feelings inside of me, these butterflies that bubbling inside my stomach, so very violently and these daydreams I get whenever he was awake and I was staring into those dark pools of his eyes in which I get lost in for days...

I was completely and utterly, unfortunately, in love with Mark Calaway.

Philllyyy...Poor thing. Review??

& yes, it would take a while for Phil to get pregnant, as noticed. A long while. I don't take my male pregnancy easily. Review & I'll speed up the time. XD. You see the jam they're in? It's not easy to write a sex scene with their situation. XD.

X Sam.