My Fair Lady
aly
Ten
We were well on our way to being completely wasted. I patted Tank on the back to get his attention and he fell completely out of his chair. Ok, so maybe we were already trashed. I tried to help him up, but wound up falling down next to him. And then it seemed like too much trouble to get up, so we both lay there on our backs on the floor of the bar.
"Tank?" I called. No response. This time, I kicked him to get his attention. After all, we were already on the floor. It wasn't like we could fall any farther.
"Ungh," he grunted.
"Women want parameters," I told him, sure of the sageness of my statement, even though I'd slaughtered the pronunciation of at least two of the three words.
"What?" Tank asked.
"Parameters," I repeated, my pronunciation slightly truer. "Women want them." I paused to stop the ceiling from spinning before continuing my lecture.
"Did you set parameters for Jessica?" I asked.
"Jennifer," he corrected as the bartender came to stand over us.
"Right. Jessica. Did you set parameters for her?"
"Y'all got somebody I can call to getch'all?" he asked.
"Yep," I answered happily. "My babe'll come."
"Your babe?" he asked skeptically.
"Yep. My babe. Who wants parameters. She said she'd come," I told him as I set about a scientific study of the ceiling. It was pretty.
"You gotta number?" he asked.
"How bout twelve?" I asked. It sounded like a good number to me. Maybe Tank's girlfriend would have twelve-tuplets. Man, I was way beyond wasted. The bartender actually laughed. Though I wasn't sure whether that was actually a good sign.
"You gotta cell phone?" he asked.
"Yes!" I exclaimed proudly, pulling it out.
"Why don't you call your babe," he suggested.
"Yes!" What a good idea. I should talk to my babe. "But I'm not gonna talk to her about parameters yet," I warned everybody.
"Yo," she answered, voice husky. Very sexy.
"Babe!" I exclaimed happily.
"Ranger?" she asked.
"Babe!" I repeated. It was the only word I could think of.
"You want me to come for you boys now?"
"No!" I exclaimed. "You're supposed to come only for me. And I'm supposed to be there when you do. So no!" She laughed. I was pretty sure that wasn't a good sign.
"How drunk are you?" she asked.
"I'm way past drunk, babe," I confessed. "But I don't wanna talk about parameters, so no coming for anyone else 'til we talk, kay?" The bartender was still laughing and shaking his head. I was pretty sure Steph was, too.
"I don't think that'll be a problem, Ranger," she said with a chuckle. "Do you want me to get you guys now?"
"Oh," I considered. "Yeah. Sure."
"I need to know where you are, Ranger," she prodded.
"Bar," I supplied.
"What's the name of the bar?"
"Uh…" I stalled. "Twelve?"
"Is there a bar tender?" she asked.
"Yes!" I said, pleased to have the right answer for her.
"Can I talk to him?"
"No!" I told her.
"Ranger."
"Yeah," I sighed. "I guess."
I held the phone above my head.
"Barkeep!" I yelled. "My babe wants-a talk to you."
He took the phone and there was a bit of discussion that I couldn't make out, so I spent the time contemplating the bottom of the bar stools.
"Tank," I said. "You should talk to Steph. Steph is wise in the ways of women."
"Steph is a woman," he grunted.
"Exactly," I said, pleased he understood. The cell phone got dropped back on my chest and I let out an oof. Then Tank and I lay there, quietly, on the floor of the bar, waiting for Steph to pick us up. Then I heard her voice. Her very amused voice.
"I'm here for the two muscle bound morons that are drunk off their asses," I heard only god knows how much later. "Do you know where they are?"
"Babe!" I yelled from my position on the floor.
"Never mind. I think I've found them."
"Steph!" I yelled again. I couldn't see her, and I wanted her to come over so I could.
"Really," she asked. "How much have you had to drink?"
"We lost count after he gave us a third bottle," Tank told her. Tattletale. She moved out of my sight then and I called for her.
"Babe! Babe! Babe!"
"Ranger, shut up." Tank sounded angry.
"Steph," I whined to her. "I can't see you." She stepped back into my view and I quieted. The bartender came over and gave her something. Looked like paper. He'd better not be giving her his number. I tried to glare, but it made me queasy so I stopped.
"Holy shit!" I heard Steph exclaim. Guess it wasn't his number.
"Ranger, where's your wallet?" she asked.
"My pocket?" I guessed.
"Give it to me."
"Come and get it," I told her.
"Ranger, stand up."
"No."
"Ranger, stand up. Now."
"Oh, ok. What was the question again?"
"Stand up, Ranger."
"Sure." I stood up and promptly stumbled into her. Luckily, she was prepared for this and caught me with her arms around my waist. Then they moved lower.
"Babe," I admonished. "In public?" She rolled her eyes and leaned me against the bar. And she had something in her hands that looked suspiciously like my wallet. The little vixen. I watched her empty it and hand over all the money to the bartender. He counted it, nodded at us and smiled to her. I wondered how much of a tip she'd given him to have him smiling at her like that. Of course, I'd pay her to be allowed to smile at her. Good thing no one knew that. 'Specially her. Or Tank. He'd never let me live it down. He'd say I was a sap. Bastard.
"Let's get you in the car, big boy," she said. I made googly eyes at her, I was sure I did. Tank was right. I was a sap. Bastard.
"Big boy?" I wondered aloud. "You mean me, right?" She responded by pulling me off the bar and heading to the door. Luckily, she let me lean on her or I don't think I would have made it. We got to the car and she put me in. I watched her go back for Tank, thinking happy thoughts. Then I leaned my head against the window and decided that shutting my eyes sounded like a Very Good Idea. The next thing I knew it was morning.
"Ungh," I groaned.
"You awake?" Steph asked. Loudly. My head was pounding. She pulled open the drapes and the light immediately blinded me.
"Ahrgh," I pulled the pillow over my head. Apparently, it was already after noon. I felt the bed dip and her hand trace a path up my chest to settle on my shoulder.
"Hangover?" she asked. I grunted.
"I'll get you water. And Advil. Anything else?"
"Uhgh." I wasn't capable of full or even partial words yet. Time was fluid. It could have been ten hours or ten seconds that she was gone. But she came back with the promised bounty. A hand still shielding my eyes I gulped down the pills and the whole glass of water. My mouth still felt like a cotton field even after the water.
"More?" I begged, feeling human enough to move up to single syllables. She pressed another glass into my hand immediately and I drained that, too. Smart woman, bringing two glasses. A saint, even.
"Come on, babe," she said, pulling my hand in hopes that I would get off the bed. "Let's get you into the shower." The thought of showering with Steph was quite a pick me up, so I allowed myself to be dragged into the bathroom. She stripped off my boxers and turned on the water as I leaned against the counter for support. She stuck her hand under the spray and smiled at me. My brain was still too fuzzy for the warning bells to be going off, so when she shoved me into the shower and shut the door, I was totally unprepared for the ice-cold spray that was pounding down on me.
"God dammit!" I yelled. "Shit! Steph!" I fumbled for the faucet, adjusting the temperature. Steph was laughing at me. My mind cleared real fast. Ok, so her saint status was officially revoked. I whipped open the door and, before she could react, pulled her in with me, clothes and all.
"Ranger!" she yelled.
"That was very mean, Steph," I growled as I pinned her against the wall. "Very, very mean."
"So what are you gonna do about it?" she purred. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Before she'd come along, when I'd had this look on my face and that tone to my voice, purring was not a normal reaction. People had tried to run away, they'd cried, they'd attempted to throw themselves on my mercy. Nobody had ever, ever purred at me. Then she reached her hand between us and lay it on me. And my eyes rolled for a completely different reason. So maybe purring wasn't such a bad thing after all.
oooooooooooooooooooooooo
"You want to go check on Tank?" she asked me as we were getting dressed.
"Why don't you go on ahead?" I asked.
"No," she said emphatically. "I'm never, never checking on him again. Not ever. I'd rather live without knowing he's alive than risk further psychological damage. You never know what he might be doing in there."
"So you don't care that even now, he could be unconscious on the floor because he couldn't stand up straight so he fell down and hit his head? He could be bleeding out in there as we speak," I teased.
"Of course I care," she shot back. "That's why I'm sending you." And so I buttoned my pants and I went.
"And besides," I heard her mutter. "You've probably whacked off together, anyway." I laughed as I barged into Tank's room without knocking.
"Get up, you lazy bastard," I told him. Ok, so I yelled. But since it hurt my head as much as it probably did his, it didn't really count. Tank just grunted, and I sat down on the bed with a hand to my forehead.
"Is it safe?" Steph called from the doorway. I looked up to motion her in, and did a double take when I saw her hand covering her eyes.
"I don't want to see anymore of Tank's boy bits," she informed me rather primly. Tank groaned again, and I just laughed. No wonder they'd both been so embarrassed. She came in when I gave her the all clear and gave Tank water and Advil. Then he rolled over and yanked me down.
"Whoa," I yelled, grabbing hold of Steph as I fell into the bed. Apparently, I was still hung over enough not to have very much balance. Or maybe I was still drunk. It was a distinct possibility.
"Sleep," Tank grunted. I was behind that sentiment one-hundred percent. I pulled Steph to me so that she was tucked into my side. I wanted to hold her as I slept.
"Sleep," I repeated. She rolled her eyes, but settled her head onto my shoulder, laying between Tank and I.
"Come on," she complained halfheartedly. "It's after two…"
"No talking," Tank ordered. Steph squirmed a bit.
"No moving, either," he said as he threw an arm over both of us to reinforce the idea. Steph stiffened immediately. But as Tank started snoring lightly, Steph slowly relaxed, I soon followed Tank into the Dream World.
oooooooooooooooooooooooo
Eventually, we were all awake and sober enough to cook. And by that, I meant our stomachs could handle the thought and scent of food. In fact, Tank and I suddenly became ravenous. Around the dinner table, Steph brought up the subject of our drinking escapades.
"We need to go back and get the other car," she said. "It's still at that bar."
I wondered what it would take to get her to do it for me. Or maybe she could just arrange for it to be done. Maybe I could bribe her and she could get the bartender to drive the other…
"Tank," she said. "We'll be leaving in ten minutes." Tank just blinked.
"What?" he asked. She headed out of the kitchen to our room without stopping to answer him.
"What just happened?" he asked. I had no idea, but suddenly my interest in going had increased exponentially. Tank and I cleaned up from dinner and went out to wait for Steph by the car. I had the keys in my hand when she came out. She held her hand out for them and I just raised an eyebrow.
"Keys, Ranger," she said.
"I'll drive, babe," I told her.
"No, you won't."
"I won't?" I asked.
"No."
"Why not?"
"You're not coming," she told me.
"I'm not?" My eyebrows flew up at that.
"No," she said calmly.
"Why not?"
"You weren't invited."
"Tank invited me," I fibbed.
"No, he didn't."
"He didn't'?" I asked. How did she know that? I looked to Tank and he looked just as confused. Sometimes, I was pretty sure she really was psychic.
"No, Ranger," she repeated. "He didn't."
"I'm not coming, am I?" I asked as I sighed.
"No."
"No," I echoed, handing over the keys. Damn.
"Ranger can't go?" Tank asked.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because you're going."
Irrefutable logic, as far as it went.
"Why can't I not go?" he whined.
"Because Ranger's not going and we need two drivers."
"But why," Tank started.
"Tank," she warned.
"I'm going, aren't I?" he sighed.
"Yes."
"And Ranger's staying here, isn't he?"
"Yes."
"And I should just get in the car now, shouldn't I?"
"Yes. Yes you should."
He sighed again and got in. Steph grabbed me and kissed me hard. I was still reaching for her when I heard the door slam. Damn, what a woman. I watched them pull out, then headed back into the comm center and flipped the system for that car on. It was SOP for bugs and trackers to be installed in all RangeMan vehicles. I could, with my pass codes and a company computer, find any RangeMan vehicle at any time, anywhere, and hear everything that was going on inside. It was quiet for quite a while, and I thought that maybe Tank had disabled it. Then she started talking.
"So Ranger told me your girlfriend's pregnant." Well, she just plunged right into the deep end of that pool.
"None of your fucking business," Tank growled.
"Well, that's debatable, but I can see where you would think that. But that's not the point. I just wanted to say that I know the basics and that you can talk to me if you want. There may be an explanation. Maybe she cheated on you, maybe she didn't. I don't know. I do know that I've been in similar situations, and that I'm a very good listener. So I'm here if you want me to be," she offered.
"Your girlfriend's gotten knocked up before, huh?"
"Don't be a smartass, Tank. Not when I'm offering a sympathetic ear."
"Yeah? Well why do you think it's any of your business anyway," he demanded. There was a pause before Steph answered.
"Because I like you, and I think we could become good friends. Because you're hurting over all this, and I don't like it when friends are hurting. Because you're important to Ranger, who's becoming a frighteningly central figure in my life, and he's hurting because you're hurting. Because you're slacking off because of this, and you could get yourself or Ranger hurt. Because, like I said, I've been in similar situations, and I think I could help."
"Seriously, what did you mean by similar situations?" he finally asked. This time, she paused even longer. I debated turning it off, but I wanted to know more about her. I needed to know. I realized I knew actually very little about her life before she'd decided to become a bounty hunter. And I thought if I didn't know I might burn up from the curiosity. So I kept it on.
"I got married straight out of college," she started. "I got divorced a year later when I found him on the kitchen table with another woman."
"Shit," Tank muttered. I concurred.
"Yeah, basically. But I've also been the one left pregnant and alone because the guy wouldn't believe me. And of the two, that's definitely worse."
"Holy shit," I said, though nobody was around to hear me. I just couldn't wrap by head around it. Stephanie had been pregnant? My Stephanie? So did she have a kid somewhere? How could some man leave her like that?
"So what happened to the kid?" Tank asked.
The silence was even longer this time.
"I…there was…" she said, voice tight. "I don't want to talk about it."
"That's fair," Tank said. "I've never been in that particular situation, but I'm a very good listener. So I'm here if you want me to be."
"Thanks, Tank. That's very kind of you," she said. "But back to you. You want to talk about it?"
And I decided that I really shouldn't be listening to their private conversation. That there was a reason Steph hadn't wanted me along for the ride, there was a reason she didn't want me in on the conversation. So I came to the belated conclusion that I should butt out. I shut down the equipment and went down to the workout room. And waited for them to come back. And tried not to think about what I'd heard.
oooooooooooooooooooooooo
The next morning, Tank came out of his bedroom fully dressed and carrying a duffle bag.
"I'm heading out," he said to me as he dropped the duffle.
"You've only been here maybe a month," I said. "You're leaving already?"
"Need to take care of some things," he said. "Tie up some loose ends. Good luck with Steph. She's a spitfire."
"Don't I know it," I said with the smile I got whenever I thought about her.
He clasped my arm and I his, and we parted ways again. I didn't care what kind of touchy-feely, emotional crap Tank was going through that might or might not have caused him to slack off. When I got back to Trenton, I was still going to give him a major eval.
"Tank left," I told Steph as she walked out of our bedroom a few minutes later.
"Yeah," she said.
"You knew?" She knew before I did? She'd known his plans and hadn't told me?
"He came and said goodbye while you were in the kitchen." He'd said goodbye to her. In my bedroom. I clamped down on my internal jealous ravings.
"Well, alright," I said, not quite yet able to control the jealousy. I did, however, have a pretty damn good way to get over it, though.
"You know what?" I asked. "It just so happens that today's a national holiday. Wasn't that good timing?"