Instant Insanity: Just Add Saké!

DISLCAIMER: This fanfiction was co-planned by Thalia the Tiger when both she and I were suffering from major sleep deprivation on our orchestra's road trip to New York City. Therefore, much of the content is, as the title claims, insane. Neither of us lays any claim to FF:U, but the psychotic plotline is all ours.

Genre: Pure, insane comedy.

Rating: T for blatant abuse--I mean use of alcohol, suggestive themes, and some underage drinking

Warning: If you do not want to see your favorite characters drunk and silly, turn back now.

Pairings: Implied Heartshipping, Cloudshipping, Frogshipping, etc. All my usual stuff.

March 29, 2005

20:30 military time

Kiri walked into the nearly-empty Square-Enix cafeteria, giving Bolbol, who was polishing the bar counter, a mocking salute, to see Miles sitting on one of the stools, a half-empty bottle of saké in one hand and a small glass of the substance in the other.

"Whatcha doin'?" he wanted to know, sitting down on the stool to her left.

"The cast party was supposed to be today, but they're all LATE," the purple-haired woman fumed, boring holes in the opposite wall with her laser-beam evil glare. "So I just had to start without em!"

"Okay..." Kiri shrugged and looked around. "I never heard about any cast party."

"I told Cid to tell everybody about it. He said 'fine' and then went back to his damn planning!" Miles took a hearty swig, draining her little saucer and slamming it down on the table. "Why won't he ever put those mechanized toys down and take a look at me!"

Kiri thought it wise to abstain from commenting.

Miles held out the bottle of saké to him, commanding him, "Drink some booze!"

The red-haired swordsman held up his hands. "I don't drink."

"Why not!"

"I'm only nineteen. That's underage."

"That never stopped you from doing OTHER things!"

Kiri rolled his eyes. "...And I don't drink because I don't like the person I turn into when I do."

"Sucks to be you." Miles refilled her glass and took another swig, draining it again. "Why don't you make some use of yourself and go get everybody else!"

20:37 military time

"A cast party?"

Cid scratched his head.

"I never heard anything about a cast party."

Kiri shrugged. "Well, she said she told you about it. Anyway, you guys do want to come, right?"

Knave whistled and saluted, causing the rest of the Comodeen to do the same. "Of course! It's important to relax and recuperate from all your hard work sometimes. We the Comodeen shall do our best in this endeavor!"

Cid and Lisa edged slightly away from Knave.

"Whatever. You're coming, right?"

"What are we doing?" Lisa wanted to know.

"From the way Miles is going on, trying to drink each other under the table. How should I know? Just go, why don't you. I don't want blowdarts in my butt because I couldn't drag anybody in."

Sighing slightly, Lisa shook her head at him and smiled. "Well... it has been a lot of work trying to get all the productions finished with. And of course, ADV is releasing the boxed set soon, so we'll be sent back to work soon enough. I suppose a little bit of fun won't hurt..."

"Hai, hai," Kiri replied. "Where the hell is Kaze? I suppose I'd better drag his granite ass on down to the cafeteria, too."

"I think I saw him down in the lobby a little while ago..."

20:45 military time

"Cast party?"

"Forget it," Aura replied flatly, rolling her eyes. "It'll just be stupid. Everyone's going to get drunk and stoned, just like always. And I'm eighteen--I can't drink anyway. So there's no point in going... right, Kaze-niisan?"

Kaze stood, shoving his long horsetail out behind him. "Why not."

Aura stared at him. "You cannot mean that. Kaze-niisan! I was seriously under the impression that you had more sense in your head than to just go get mindlessly drunk! What about setting a good example for me?"

"You're eighteen, and come on, it's more like you've been setting a good example for him," Kiri pointed out. "Even if you're not gonna drink, you could still come. We're gonna need bouncers."

"No means no," she said firmly, glaring. "Just please tell me that they aren't invited."

"No small children, evil necromancers, slutty flower ladies, or dumbass bad-guy stooges are coming," the red-haired swordsman assured her. "That's what I'm here for. I'm certainly not going to be downing the saké with the rest of em. If they come, I throw them out."

"And Kumo?"

Kiri shuddered. "Dear God, no. My parents and I have kept him away from alcohol this long, and that's certainly not going to stop now. He's only sixteen!"

Aura gave him a sidelong look. "Well, you seem to think that sixteen is old enough for him to do other stuff."

"Why can't anyone fricking keep their noses out of my sex life?" Kiri demanded, hands twitching spasmodically.

"Because you two are all over each other, everywhere," Aura told him. "If you don't want us knowing, then you shouldn't advertise yourselves so much."

"I don't care about people knowing, it's just how you lot can't shut up about it... if you want to stay and babysit the midgets, that's fine with me, but it's your loss." The redhead turned to Kaze, pointedly ignoring the tall gunner's sister. "Oei, Rock-boy! Let's get going, already!"

21:13 military time

The party was well under way, and Kiri was beginning to regret the fact that he hadn't decided to join Aura in keeping Ai, Yu, Lou, Clear, Fungo, and Touya company.

Even in almost half an hour, everyone was getting far past "tipsy" into "completely drunk" very, very rapidly.

Knave and some other members of the Comodeen had dug up an old karaoke machine out of some old storage room, and were now belting out their favorite songs at the top of their lungs. Knave's singing in particular sounded like a dying animal.

Cid, sitting next to Miles at the bar, had out what looked vaguely like a book of blueprints and was chattering happily to her about them at approximately a thousand miles an hour. Miles, who until Cid had started babbling, had been loud and raucous as ever, was now uncharacteristically quiet and watching the enthusiastic blonde with what could've been solemnity, if not for the heavy drunken blush that spread across her face.

Kaze and Lisa, as well as a few Comodeen members who weren't "singing" with Knave, had also parked at the bar. Before Cid had lost it completely, he and Lisa had been engaged in conversation; but somewhere around nine o'clock they'd both trailed off and chosen different things to do.

Lisa, for example, was now acting unusually giddy, giggling between small sips of saké and glancing very obviously in Kaze's direction. Where she thought she was getting, Kiri had no idea--Kaze seemed just as self-absorbed as ever, almost more sothan Kiri'd ever seen him before.

Okay, so usually Kaze seemed pretty oblivious to the world around him, but Kiri knew that he did take notice of some things. It was hard to catch, but he did watch what was going on in the immediate area, whether or not he was paying specific attention. You could see his cerulean gaze drifting around from behind his heavy bangs.

Drunk (he had to be, by now), things weren't much different, except for the fact that Kaze was now totally intent on the little saké glass in front of him. There was a thick red blush across his tanned skin, and while he was just as silent as ever, Kiri could've sworn that he'd paused once in his alcohol binge to remark that "I like pie".

For the millionth time in his life, Kiri wished that he showed a different side of himself when alcohol got into his own system, or that he could at least hold his liquor a little better. The one time he had gotten drunk in his life, it'd just taken one glass of saké to knock all vestiges of sobriety out of his system. And then, he'd destroyed half the bar in a rage when some other random customer had "accidentally" (or so they'd later claimed) brushed a hand across Kumo's... well... the point was, Kiri was a violent drunk, it didn't take very much to make him drunk, and so he couldn't drink. It made him feel very left out at parties like these.

"Yo!"

Turning, Kiri nodded. "Oh. Hey."

Dolwa (still wearing his usual clean-pressed gray suit and calm smile) and Fabula (in a t-shirt with "DIVA" written in bold print across the bust, her silver hair pinned up into a clip) had just arrived.

"I take it that no one will mind if we join in?" the tall agent asked cheerfully.

"Nope. Really, I doubt anyone will notice if you join in. It's that bad already." Kiri shook his head at the lot of his partying friends. Tilting his head to the side curiously, he turned to Fabula. "I thought you would be staying with Aura, though..."

Stretching, she gave him a sidelong look. "Me? Stay with that slave-driving control freak a minute longer?"

"Yeah, I hear that's what she says about you," Kiri joked. "Sick of being on the bottom?"

"Hell yes! I need breathing room. That girl is altogether far too demanding."

"Well, you two kinda did choose to decide your nightly dominance by playing rock-paper-scissors. It's not my fault if you have an unprecedented losing streak." Kiri watched, amused, as Dolwa sat down on an empty bar stool and immediately started on a tall glass of wine.

Fabula smacked his shoulder. "Hey. I keep telling you, she's cheating somehow. And once I find out how she's doing it, she's in for a little payback. ...Okay, quite a lot of payback."

"You're insane, have I ever told you that?"

"Only about once a day." Both of them laughed. "Well, have fun guarding the doors. If Oscha tries to get in here, sock him one for me." Tossing a crooked smile in the swordsman's direction, the Guide headed down into the veritable melee, a cocky saunter in the roll of her hips as she walked.

Over at the counter, Dolwa turned to the others and began happily, "Anyone want to start a drinking contest?"

Kiri rolled his eyes and turned back towards the doors.

It wasn't long before entertainment came along.

Nallorn and Gaedrian alone knew what in the world had possessed them to come together, but Gaudium lords Fungus, Pist, and Herba were jostling down the hall, arguing to each other in pitched voices.

Kiri grinned widely. Maybe he'd get to have a little fun for the evening after all.

"Ahhhh, Madoushi-chaaan," Herba caroled, waving a hand at him. Kiri twitched. "The cast party's over here, then?"

If Cid didn't tell anybody about it when Miles told him, then how in the world do they know about it? Kiri wondered to himself. Out loud, he said, "Sorry, you guys weren't on the guest list."

Herba put on a sulky look, seeming quite eerily like Ai for a moment. "You let Sorujatshi-chan in!" she protested, pointing, the poisonous purple lacquer on her nail glittering in the hallway light.

"Uh, dude." Kiri stared at her. "Two words: 'Not evil'. Two more words: 'Lisa's buddy'. That clear it up for you?"

As if on cue, a snatch of Lisa's drunken drawl wound through the cacophony behind them: "Whyyyyy do you have to be like thaaaaaat, Dolu-kuuuun?"

Kiri was sorely tempted to look over his shoulder and see what in all that was holy she was doing, but didn't.

"Mouuu, not fair," Fungus and Herba sulked as one, then gave each other disturbed looks.

"Look, we've already covered that you're not invited, so just run along and do whatever it is that bad guys do in their spare time. Mmmm'k?"

As all three of them swelled indignantly and began to protest, Kiri let a slow smirk crawl over his face and held up his left hand, stretching and cracking the joints, as he slid his right to the hilt of his Maken. "Or do I have to convince you to leave?"

"I am the immortal Fungus! You can't scare me!" the pompous mushroom general declared, puffing out his chest and blowing his pipe so hard it whistled.

Kiri wrinkled his nose. "Yes, and we allllllll know how much funguses love fire. Get out, or be burninated." He turned a jaundiced glare on Herba. "And that goes for you too."

"Mouu, Madoushi-chan is so cruel…" Herba sulked, but she went off, followed by a wilted Fungus. Kiri watched them as they went, then turned back to Pist and folded his arms, raising one eyebrow.

"Not even all your fire magic could evaporate me," Pist bragged. "As commander of the water, I have the advantage over you!"

Kiri smirked evilly. "Oh, really?"

Pist blinked at him.

"I already gave you the chance to go away like a nice little fishy. You didn't. You leave me no choice, then, dearest Pist." As Pist started to bluster into his defense, Kiri tuned him out and drew a Mist bottle from his belt.

Noticing it, Pist broke off and went pale. "Oh, no. No. Not this again, no—"

Paying him no mind at all, Kiri popped the cap off and let out a long sigh of crimson haze, then smiled as Pist's protests grew squeaky and trails of his liquid being started to seep into the now-empty bottle.

Kiri carefully replaced the cap.

"LET ME OUT!" Pist squeaked from within the bottle's confines.

"What shall we do with this now, hmmmm?" Kiri wondered aloud, sounding highly amused.

"LET ME OUT!" Pist squeaked even louder.

"I think we'll find a nice place to put you until you've learned your lesson."

"NOOOO! Let me OUT!"

Kiri sauntered back into the room, heading behind the bar and into the kitchen. "I think the fridge would be a nice hiding place."

"The FRIDGE? NOOOOO! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!"

"This should do until tomorrow. Or at least until I remember you're there." Kiri opened the freezer door, then paused and set one long finger to his lips, staring up at the ceiling. "Or maybe when I do remember, I'll just think the quiet is so nice that I won't let you out."

Tuning out Pist's squeaked obscenities, Kiri deposited the bottle in the side holders along the freezer door, then closed it and opened the fridge beneath it, picking up a cherry Coke and then closing it, sauntering away as he popped open the tab. It always made him feel so accomplished, having done a good deed.

By the time he got back to the party room, Knave was back onstage again, caterwauling what had to be his worst yet to "I'm a Barbie Girl". Dolwa's drinking contest had progressed; though the agent still looked completely sober, Miles and Cid were both definitely groggy, and Kaze had fallen asleep where he sat. So had Lisa. She had one arm through Kaze's, the other through Dolwa's, and her cheek glued to the bar counter, snoring gently. Kiri shook his head at them. It was funny in a rather twisted way and yet still sad that Dolwa got that much enjoyment out of drinking other people under the table.

"Niisama?"

Kiri turned at the familiar voice. While he'd been dealing with Pist, his little brother had wandered in.

"Kumo-chan, what in the world are you doing here?"

Kumo smiled and shrugged. "It just sounded like everyone was having so much fun… I couldn't help but come here to watch."

Too late, Kiri noticed the glass of saké in his brother's hand. "AAUGH! NO! KUMO, PUT THAT DOWN—"

But paying scant attention to his brother's yell with all the noise, Kumo had already downed the entire thing in one go.

Kiri stared at him, horrified. The reason our entire family has absolutely zero tolerance to alcohol, he thought numbly, is because of the traces of royal blood in our veins—that sensitivity to Mist and the power it brings, that connection with Doukyou, opens us up too quickly to any kind of toxin in our system! And Kumo's power is the strongest that's surfaced in our clan for centuries! As the Unlimited and as this age's Makenshi, as the only one qualified to wear that iron circlet on his head, Kumo won't be able to stand that stuff for half as long as I can, and just one glass is enough to make me drunk as hell!

Ohgodno. Oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit, this is BAD… Kiri thought helplessly, staring poleaxed as Kumo let his head drop a little, letting his bangs spill over his face as his cheeks went pink.

At that moment, a weird choking sound from Knave proved enough of a distraction to divert Kiri's attention.

Fabula, standing at the front of the crowd, had clonked him in the head with a chakram, and he was lying on the floor, out for the count. "You are defiling everything you sing," she accused in a voice angry and loud enough to make Kiri realize that she was more than half drunk, too. "Get a damn LIFE, why don't you?"

Beside Kiri, Kumo (who had also watched this display) started to giggle helplessly. The redhead swung back to his brother, shocked. Kumo hadn't giggled since he was ten years old, for heavensakes!

"That's just so… It's so…" he tried to say, in between bursts of helpless laughter, but couldn't quite seem to get out what it was. Eventually, the frantic laughter started to ebb, letting Kumo take deep breaths. Too deep, Kiri realized—he was almost hyperventilating. "It's so… Niisama…"

Kiri recognized that tone of voice. Unable to help it, he edged back.

Kumo swung up to him with huge, tearful eyes, all traces of the hysteria he'd been attacked by absolutely gone. "Niisama, why… why… why don't you love meee?"

Kiri actually felt his hackles rise, as he grabbed his brother's shoulders and started to steer him forcefully towards the door. "Okay, that's it, no more alcohol for you. Let's go, out already." Kumo was resisting, and it was proving surprisingly hard to herd the young swordsman where Kiri wanted him to go.

Another pair of hands was suddenly at Kumo's back, propelling him forward. Kiri turned and gave Fabula a slightly suspicious look. "I thought you were drunk."

She smirked at him. "Instant sobriety is one of the perks of my job."

"Must be nice."

"Sure is. Now let's get this kid off to his room before he really starts causing a scene."

---

March 30, 2005

10:45 military time

Lisa groaned. "Please, please don't move so loudly," she begged as Ai, Yu, and Touya headed around the sick bay, passing out wet cloths and mugs of coffee.

Ai gave her a jaundiced glare. "If you don't like it, then you shouldn't have drank so much last night!" she snapped, not even blinking when Lisa winced. Turning around, she fixed Touya with her evilest evil eye. "Hurry it up, Satomi!"

"Yes, ma'am." Sighing, Touya handed her a cloth, which she thrust out towards Lisa. Considering that job done, Ai marched over to the next bed, where Miles sat clutching her head and groaning.

Pretty much the entire Comodeen was wiped out like that. Knave was just a quivering lump under the blankets of his bed; Cid was sitting up in his, staring at his hands and sometimes making motions with them as if trying to get himself to comprehend what had happened last night—judging by the look of complete and total lack of understanding on his face, he wasn't going to get anywhere doing that.

Fabula's "instant sobriety" trick had done her well; she was downstairs with Aura and Dolwa, who was also perfectly fine, which made no sense at all as he'd probably drunk as much liquor as Miles over the course of the night. Kiri shook his head over it—and the many groaning Comodeen members—before turning to Kaze, who sat in his customary position against the wall.

"What about you?" he asked.

Kaze just gave him a blank look.

"How's your hangover coming?"

Kaze shook his head, his brow tightening in confusion. "…What?"

Kiri rolled his eyes. "You drank yourself absolutely silly last night, and you kept saying how much you liked pie. Lisa was all over you. And you were returning the favor." He looked the gunman up and down. "Don't you remember anything about last night?"

Kaze just shook his head no. Throwing his hands up at the taciturn brunet, Kiri turned back towards his own personal patient, who was bent over a basin on the other side of his bed.

As Kumo straightened up, Kiri very carefully eased him back into the sheets, pure pity easing over his angular features. Kumo's face was flushed and his skin was sweat-slick; he winced at any loud noise or bright light, and too much movement caused him to be violently sick.

Turning his fevered gaze on his brother, Kumo moaned. "What's happening to me?"

Kiri sighed, laying his hand patiently on his brother's sheets. "It's called a hangover, and it happens to most people when they get drunk," he informed the invalid swordsman. "They suck, but if you're going to keep drinking, you'll have to get used to them."

Kumo let out another moan, rolled onto his side, and buried his face in his brother's belly. "Never again."

"That's good." Kiri ran his hand up and down over Kumo's hair as soothingly as he could. "Well, you've learned your lesson the hard way, but you've learned it. No matter how good it seems at the time, drinking is just plain bad news for our family."

"At least some people have sense," Ai commented, hoisting a stack of dry towels up over her head and directing her slave labor (i.e., Yu and Touya) towards another section of beds.

If only you knew, Kiri thought wryly, but decided to hold his tongue.

After all, he'd rather keep his own drunken insanities to himself at the moment.

owari :D