A/N: I hate that I couldn't fit this all into one chapter. Tried. Twenty-seven pages. Just wouldn't have made sense to add the next part here. Anyway, next chapter is the last.
Chapter 10
There were no words to describe it.
Sasuke, whom Naruto always privately thought of as physically weak, surprised him with his strength. His hands held his head still, or else slanted it as it suited him at first, but then, once Naruto had cautiously given in, one of Sasuke's arms curved around his back, drawing him close. The other hand remained in his hair, now cupping the back of his head. All at once, he was pressed to Sasuke's surprisingly hard body, with one of Sasuke's knees working its way between his legs. Off balance now, Sasuke slowly walked with him, pushing him back while keeping him from falling. Naruto's back hit the wall.
If anything, Sasuke intensified the kiss. A small sound left Naruto at the way their open mouths moved together. Taste and texture flooded his mind. Sensation seemed to pool below his waist, while his entire body became overly aware of Sasuke's every touch. Of every brush of his hands, and the way his hair remained in Sasuke's grip. Sasuke's lips, his mouth, his tongue. Heat rose up between them to swallow him whole. There was no air in the room, none. They had to share what little air there was, breathing it in from each other, sucking it in with each other's taste.
Naruto's head was spinning. If Sasuke hadn't been holding him against the wall, he'd have been too dizzy to stand on his own. It was all so strange, yet so good. So unbelievably good. Cheeks flaming, heart pounding, he was helpless not to issue another little moan, wanting more.
Sasuke kissed him harder, moaning now himself.
A shiver went through Naruto. Sasuke, feeling it, pressed their bodies closer together. Naruto clutched back with bruising eagerness, and all the while the song thudded around them, driving them to kiss harder and harder.
He could hear it from the street. Faint, but unmistakable. It was like a shot of adrenaline, the way his heart, his entire body, reacted to that long-remembered song. He could see their parents dancing. Little Sasuke wild and cackling. The image both hurt and comforted him, the way it always did. He had those memories often, but never more strongly as he did when hearing that song. God, how long had it been?
He rode the elevator to his floor, listening to the volume increase the closer he got to his apartment. Sasuke had to be playing that thing loud enough to wake the dead… Sasuke was playing that song. Why? What did it mean?
The hall was packed with neighbors, several of whom were banging on the wall and his apartment door. They turned to him as one, faces furious, screaming over the song for him to get in there and turn it off before they called the police. It took awhile to get to his door, packed as the hall was.
-oOo-
Once inside his apartment, he went directly to Sasuke's room and knocked hard.
No answer.
Upon opening the door, he thought the place was empty at first. Then he caught movement to his right, and saw his brother and Naruto almost directly behind the door. The sight of his brother kissing someone only gave him pause for a moment. Neither responded to their names being called, and it wasn't until he'd gone over and shut the CD player off that either of them realized they weren't alone anymore. He stood there, looking at Sasuke wonderingly, while they blinked at him as if they were dazed. Probably were, Itachi decided. Both faces were pink, and their hair was sweaty.
"Neighbors are ready to call the cops," he said into the silence. That was it. He made a tactful exit and shut his brother's door behind him.
For a moment, he leaned against it.
Sasuke passing his finals, doing summer school, and making a friend could not equal the statement of that song. That song, more than anything else, told him in no uncertain terms that his brother was back. That he was finally healing. The emotions this called up left him breathless. Grinning, amazed, and breathless.
But then he remembered how fucked things were between him and Sasuke, and the grin faded a little. He's happy, though. He's coming around, and that's all that matters.
Sasuke rested his forehead against Naruto's, as their trembling gradually faded. When he straightened at last, it was to find Naruto's eyes wide and fearful. No, wait. Maybe fearful wasn't the right word. Nervous? Uncertain? Questioning, that was the word. There were questions in his eyes. Sasuke rather thought the answer to what came next was obvious, until he remembered that Naruto might not have been with anyone before.
"You okay?" he asked.
A jerky nod.
He didn't think it would do to come right out and ask if Naruto was a virgin. No guy wanted to have to admit to that but, well, he sort of needed to know. "Have you ever…?"
Jerky head shake this time. "That. That was my first. Kiss."
Well, shit. "Oh. So you and Neji…" He let his eyes ask the rest, raising his brows.
More head-shaking.
Sasuke felt something settle with disturbing finality in him. Something like relief, but he didn't want to examine it too closely. "I see." He had an urge to draw Naruto in and just hold him. Hold him and never let go. He'd wanted him almost from the moment he'd known him. Obviously Naruto wanted him too, and there were condoms in his bedside drawer. Still, the guy was a virgin, and he didn't relish the idea of doing with Itachi right in the next room. He'd waited this long, he could wait a few hours more. "I guess we should get back."
Naruto cleared his throat. "Yeah. I guess."
But they didn't move. And when Sasuke moved his head forward an inch in question, searching those wide eyes, Naruto seemed to answer with a small forward movement of his own.
By the time they finally did make it back to the home, it was late. Iruka opened the door for them, looked back and forth between them, then curtly told them to take a seat in the kitchen. "Wait for me there," he added in a tight voice.
Naruto and Sasuke frowned at each other, but obeyed. When Iruka met them there a few minutes later, he had a solemn Hinata with him. His jaw was clenched, eyes more serious than either boy had ever seen them.
Sasuke knew what was coming, but Naruto was wide open. Which was probably why Iruka attacked him first.
"Hinata tells me the police have spoken to Neji," Iruka said in a low voice. "It seems he went to Oto at your behest, Naruto. I remember that night. You told me you two were going to the park. It wasn't until Sasuke brought you back that I learned you'd been in Oto at all. Understandably, worry over Neji's condition occupied my mind, but I haven't forgotten. And I've since learned that you were shot at. Shot at, Naruto. How could you deceive me like that? How could you lie to my face in order to put yourself in such danger?"
Naruto's head had long since lowered as Iruka spoke. He shook it slowly now, and gave a miserable shrug. "I had to see him," he mumbled.
Iruka's eyes cut to Sasuke at hearing this. "I don't like what Sasuke's influence is doing to you," he said to Naruto. He kept his eyes on Sasuke, completely uncaring of speaking so plainly in his presence. "Nor do I like the fact that you're letting bad influences corrupt your common sense. Sneaking off to Oto, lying to me, letting Sasuke put you in harm's way…this isn't you. This isn't the kid I raised. You're better than that, and you know it."
Naruto, unused to reprimands of such severity, hung his head lower. "I haven't been back since."
"Only because Sasuke has been here," Iruka snapped. "I've no doubt that if he weren't you'd find some way to break the rules again. I'm disappointed in you, Naruto. Worse…you've shown me I can't trust you anymore. You have no idea how much that hurts me."
Sasuke watched all this with hooded eyes. He'd met Iruka's glare of disapproval with a direct look of his own, but now he watched as Naruto seemed to sink in his chair beneath the weight of this expertly-delivered guilt-trip. "It wasn't his fault," he heard himself saying.
Iruka turned to him, aiming himself at Sasuke as if ready and eager to hear anything that would allow him to deny him further access to the home.
Sasuke, aware of that, spoke carefully. "It wasn't his fault we were shot at, and Neji should have known better than to let a deception like that take place right under your nose. You ask me, you're the one endangering people. Letting someone like Neji on the premises." He slid his eyes to where Hinata stood timorously. "And let's not forget the fact that you're having an illegal relationship with a minor. What kind of example is that to set for the kids here? From either of you?"
Hinata covered her mouth with a hand. Iruka spluttered, his chest swelling with outrage and insult. "Get out," he rasped. "Get out of this house, I want you far away from this home or I will call the police!"
"You've no grounds to have me arrested. I'm doing a service here. I, however, can call in a little matter of statutory rape-"
"I'm sixteen," Hinata whispered.
"It's rape, and I'm sure the authorities would be interested in hearing about it," Sasuke concluded. "Your call." He gazed at Iruka with unflinching promise in his black eyes. Try to kick me out and you'll regret it.
Iruka was loath to give in, but when he dropped his eyes from Sasuke's they both knew the matter was over. He and Naruto were left alone in the kitchen, as Iruka led a weeping Hinata out.
-oOo-
Naruto waited a moment, watching the belligerent lines of Sasuke's face smooth out to their normal appearance. "How'd you know about them?"
"Had my suspicions. They're always all over each other when they think no one's looking." Namely while he and Naruto were studying late at night and all the children were asleep.
"Oh. I get why you said all that, defending me and everything, but Iruka's a nice guy. And it's not rape. Hinata's like…agreeable. He's not hurting her or anything."
"Consensual or not, she's a minor. And this wasn't about you. I don't like being threatened."
"Oh." Naruto's face fell.
Sasuke grit his teeth at how that small expression twisted inside him. Of course it had been about Naruto, but, well, he really didn't like threats. "You hungry?" he said, to change the subject.
"Not really."
"That's a first."
The awkward silence that followed seemed to be full of the knowledge that they'd kissed. And that it was late and the only thing in their immediate future was for them to go to bed, where they would be shirtless and all of six inches away from each other. In one bed.
Sasuke stared at Naruto's bowed head, watching him look at the cracked linoleum of the kitchen floor.
Finally, Naruto got up without looking at him and headed for the tree house.
Once there, both boys undressed in the main room without meeting each other's eyes. The weather was hot and muggy enough to have them ascending the rope ladder to the bedroom in their underwear. Naruto crawled to his side, turned, and sat on his knees.
Sasuke managed to get in the bedroom with more difficulty, as usual, especially since he had a condom clutched in one fist. It was a few moments before he noticed the way Naruto was nervously looking at him.
That was all he did, was look. Sasuke crawled over until he was kneeling in front of him, weight supported on his hands. Another few silent moments ticked by, with each of them staring at each other. The sharpish edges of the foil-wrapped condom dug into Sasuke's palm. When he rocked forward an inch, questioning with his eyes, Naruto lunged for him and grabbed his face in both hands. The kiss was just as hungry as before. Maybe even more so. It seemed that the absence of music heightened each boy's awareness of the other.
It wasn't until they fell to the bed in a tangle of grasping limbs and muffled grunts that Naruto felt the first real prickle of alarm. But not at first. At first, though the kiss was urgent, the majority of his mind was occupied at how it felt to be chest to chest. How his nipples tingled at the contact, and how their bare legs and arms felt as they rubbed against each other. Then Sasuke's body settled on his more completely. His erection was hard for Naruto to ignore- especially when Sasuke nudged his legs apart. Sasuke's hips seemed to fit this new space as if made for it, and the flush contact of their groins was enough to make his own semi-arousal explode to full, rock-hard readiness.
But he wasn't ready. He might want Sasuke with a strength that twisted his emotions into knots, but he wasn't ready for this step in their relationship.
Sasuke, at feeling his arousal, moaned and ground their hips together. He broke the kiss to fumble with something he had clutched in his hand. Seeing it, Naruto felt the prickle of alarm become a loud, clanging bell of warning in his head. He reached out to lightly close his hand around Sasuke's. "Stop."
In the stillness that followed that soft command, Sasuke found that he was panting. A first for him; beyond an erection, he couldn't remember being excited to this degree when fucking guys down in Oto…and he'd never been this hard. His cock throbbed with need, but Naruto was telling him to stop. "What…did I do something?" He could see Naruto wetting his lips nervously as he sat up, and moved back to sit up as well. "Did I?"
"No…" Naruto's eyes skipped up sheepishly to his then looked away. "I just don't think I'm ready for this yet."
Sasuke frowned down at the front of Naruto's shorts. "Oh." For a few seconds he debated commenting on the evidence to the contrary, before deciding to just go ahead. "Seemed ready?"
Now Naruto fidgeted. "I know. I mean I liked this, it's just. You know. Going." His hands described something vague in the air.
"Going?" Sasuke said, looking back and forth between the gesture and Naruto's face.
"All the way. I can't."
"Oh. Why?"
But Naruto didn't seem able to answer this. He gazed down at where he was fixedly picking at his nails.
Sasuke didn't like how much this rejection hurt. This, right here, was why he didn't do relationships, he thought as he finally moved to his side of the mattress. Relationships opened you up to all sorts of bullshit that straight fucking always shielded you from. He should never have kissed Naruto. Never even opened that door. Turning on his side, he gave Naruto his back.
This evening, on the long, silent walk from his apartment to the home, he'd snuck glances at Naruto and wondered if the kiss made them boyfriends. Lying in bed now, he could admit that he had no idea what they were. And no clue whatsoever on how to be a boyfriend, if they were. Were they in a relationship? For some reason that shortened his breath with nerves or excitement, he couldn't decide which. Whatever they were, it didn't seem like Naruto wanted him the same way he wanted Naruto.
He swallowed hard. "Do you want me to go too? Like Iruka does?" he asked when he'd worked up the balls.
Naruto's voice was low. A whisper. "No. Please no."
The knot of tension forming in Sasuke's belly slowly loosened. It was awhile before either of them found sleep.
They were in the middle of June. There was time yet until summer's end and Sasuke's departure. Two months and change. Naruto woke the following afternoon to find Sasuke's half of the bed empty. Wondering how they'd make it through the rest of the summer, he descended to the main room of the tree house.
Sasuke was just climbing up from the backyard, back from summer school. Both boys stopped at seeing the other. Their kiss and last night's debacle replayed themselves in the stillness between them, as how to proceed was silently addressed.
Naruto offered a crooked, uncertain smile. That had Sasuke climbing the rest of the way inside. Issue addressed, case closed.
Or so they thought. An understanding had been reached between them during that first glance, wherein it was agreed they'd go back to how they'd been before. But a few nights later, as Naruto sat poring through one of the Math textbooks, and Sasuke sat editing an essay, a feeling had cropped up between them. That same old low-grade sizzle that would have them sneaking glances at each other, each very aware of the other's slightest movement. Once the studying was done, as they were in the tree house stripping down to their underwear, Naruto suddenly turned to Sasuke and kissed him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he kept saying over and over, between kisses. Sasuke only kissed him back, pressing him painfully against the dresser.
After, up in the bedroom, Sasuke had been leery of continuing the kiss, opting to keep his distance lest another rejection was issued. Naruto seemed expectant for a time, but Sasuke gave his back, as he had that other night, and lay in stiff anticipation of Naruto asking for more. He didn't. Sasuke swallowed his disappointment.
Naruto cried a few silent, bitter tears for his confusion. How could he tell Sasuke that he didn't want to give himself up for a summer fling? He wasn't a staunch believer in holding on to one's virginity, but he did want to wait until he was with someone he mattered to. Sasuke seemed all eager to fuck him, but that wasn't good enough. Naruto wanted more. He wanted promises, commitment. He didn't want to be just a piece of ass. I want to know you love me.
The past few days had been awful. They spoke to each other, but there was coolness to their interactions now that chilled Naruto to the bone. On the surface, he pretended nothing was wrong, as he was sure Sasuke was doing. Inside, he'd been burning for their old comfort around each other, and wondering anxiously if he was pushing Sasuke away by denying him sex. But then tonight, Sasuke had looked up at him the way he'd used to, and the burning had become worse, until downstairs by the dresser, he'd been unable to hold himself back anymore. He couldn't stand being separated from Sasuke in any way.
He hadn't even known what he was apologizing for. Maybe for denying him that night. Or maybe for kissing him after denying him, thus fucking up the issue more. He didn't care at the point. All he cared about was that Sasuke was kissing him back just as hard, and holding him just as tight. It was like some major vise that had been squeezing his head flat finally loosened and he could breathe again.
If he asks for it tonight, I'll let him, he'd thought when they made it upstairs. But Sasuke just looked at him a moment, then went to his side of the mattress. It was both upsetting and a relief, because he still wasn't ready. Not really. And he didn't like the discovery that he'd be willing to let himself be used for sex just to make someone else happy.
You fucking slut, he thought savagely at himself. And with that, his tears dried up.
The days leading into July were a bit tense. On the one hand, they each wanted things from the other that neither were sure how to go about pursuing. On the other hand, things seemed fine between them, if somewhat less vocal. There weren't any laughs, or the general horsing around that used to pepper their interactions, but Sasuke's nightly study sessions never stopped, and Naruto was always at his elbow, a Math book in hand. An undercurrent of intimacy still throbbed between them, and there was no specific or defined anger that either could detect in the other. Things were just…tense.
Sasuke got fed up with the tension one afternoon. He surprised Naruto by pulling out a set of huge flashcards from his bag instead of the usual sheaf of assignments. His laptop was also notably absent once Naruto looked around. They were in the tree house, and Sasuke had just come back from summer school. "No papers to do today?" Naruto asked.
"I'm ahead of schedule," Sasuke said. "I mean besides being years late with the shit to begin with. Figured I'd devote some time to a side project." He set the flashcards aside, and pulled out a thin, orange book. "See this?"
Naruto dutifully studied the book. There was a creature on it, one who seemed to be holding a platter of rotten eggs and an equally rotten haunch of meat. "Yeah?"
Sasuke walked on his knees to where Naruto was sitting. "Read it for me."
Taking the book as it was handed to him, Naruto saw the way Sasuke folded his hands and waited, as if actually expecting to hear a story. "Come on, man, what the fuck. You know I can't read. I mean I can read a few words, but not read read."
"Yeah. And I'm going to fix that. Read."
"I just said I can't. And fix it how? Nobody else could."
Sasuke stared at the book. "Spoke to Iruka about that. Seems the only people who tried to teach you were volunteers who happened to come by. Checking the records myself, I saw that half those volunteers were teens themselves who had no real teaching experience. One was an old woman who likely had outdated methods of teaching, and the rest were lazy jackasses sent to do community service here. You've never had a real teacher teach you."
"…You're not a teacher either." But Naruto felt a sharp burst of hope in his chest.
"No. But I'm your friend. You helped me, now I'm helping you. Personally, I don't get why Iruka didn't try to teach you himself."
Nice as Iruka was, and as great as he was with the kids, he didn't actually have a lot of patience or time to deal with all of Naruto's more serious issues. Naruto didn't say this. "What makes you think I can even learn?"
"Because you're not dumb. Now, read."
Naruto looked at the cover again. "I can't."
"Try. Didn't you ask me a math question before you started teaching me? Well this is the same thing. I need to see what it is you do know."
He still couldn't do it. Feeling his face heat in shame, Naruto clenched his jaw.
Up till now, Sasuke had purposefully kept his eyes averted from Naruto's face, knowing full well how humiliating it was to show your shortcomings. Now he risked a peek and was unsurprised to see the furious battle against tears. He looked back at the book. "I know it's embarrassing, man. I feel the same way about math, especially since you're such a freak with it, but…dude, you saw me at my worst. You-" Sasuke couldn't help looking around to make sure there was no one else. "You saw me stab a guy. Took my bloody hand and said it was okay. Just let me help, all right? I won't laugh, I promise."
Right then Naruto felt such love for Sasuke that the tears won out. He violently pushed the heel of one hand up the side of his face, scrubbing away a tear that had fallen. "Okay," he nodded.
It was horrible. If this was how Sasuke had felt trying to answer the simple math question he'd asked, he had new respect for him. "Guh…huh-r…rrrrrr…ray. Nuh? Gray-nuh? Grain?"
"Green," Sasuke said.
"Oh. Green. Eeeeeeeee…guh. Suh. Eeg-suh."
"Eggs."
"Green. Eggs. Aaaannnn-"
Sasuke took the book. "That's enough, I can take it from here." He put the book in his bag, scooped up the flashcards, and went to the ladder. "Let's go to the kitchen, I need the board."
Naruto, nearly panting in the aftermath of that effort, bounced up and disappeared out the window. Sasuke heard the thud of his landing below and shook his head.
-oOo-
In the kitchen, Sasuke noted that Naruto sat with a good deal more anticipation for the coming lesson than he had when learning math. "You seem eager."
"You won't give up on me," Naruto grinned. "If I take awhile to learn or don't understand, I can tell you'll just push me harder. I need that. Plus you're super smart, smarter than those people who tried to teach me. If I prove too stupid or dumb, you'll find a way around it. So yeah, I'm eager. Fuck yeah, I'm eager." His eyes were as wide and round as they could go, face stretched into a shining expression of wild happiness.
"Riiiight," Sasuke said. "I'll do my best. First off, the word stupid means lacking intelligence or common sense. That's not you. You've consistently displayed keen intelligence for as long as I've known you. Second, the word dumb means unable to speak, usually due to some birth defect. Again, that's not you. If I'm going to help you at all, I need to know you're not going to throw roadblocks like that in my way. You can learn."
God, he is so fucking awesome. Face flaming, heart pounding, Naruto nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
"Good. Know what vowels are?"
"No."
Sasuke wrote five letters on the board. "We'll start with those."
"I know those letters!" Naruto bounced on his rickety chair until the thing creaked.
"I'm sure you know the whole alphabet-" Sasuke paused while Naruto nodded energetically "-but I want you to forget everything you think you know about reading. Can you do that?"
"Like how?" The look on Naruto's face said that if Sasuke only told him how to do it, he could fly to the moon on a banana if need be.
"Like for instance those aren't letters on the board. They're pictures."
"Oh…okay…"
"Remember when you were teaching me math? How you said putting numbers in different places changes the value of the number and junk?"
"What, you mean fractions and decimals? How a smaller number means a greater value if the number is less than one, but a greater number means a greater value if it's more than one?"
Sasuke was dizzy just hearing that. "Uh, yeah. Point is, a three can do one thing in one number, and something else in another number."
"Yeah, but only if-"
"Same thing applies here," Sasuke overrode him by saying. He jerked a thumb behind himself at the board. "These pictures can talk. They make sounds. Depending on what kind of picture is next to them, they make different sounds. You know the names of these pictures but not what sounds they make. Let's go over that now."
By this time a lot of the smaller kids had crowded into the kitchen, along with Iruka and Hinata, both of whom seemed to have gotten over their anger at Sasuke. Everyone watched in silence as Naruto was taught.
"Those are the short sounds of the five vowels," Sasuke said some time later. "Let's see what other sounds you know."
The other kids hesitantly raised their hands when Sasuke held up the flashcards of the alphabet, but if a child said a letter's name and not the sound it made, they were wrong. Naruto caught on fast, as did the rest of them.
"Remember the short sounds the vowels made?" Sasuke asked when Naruto had shown he knew all the sounds.
"Yup."
"Let's put those together with other sounds."
-oOo-
That took the rest of the day. Sasuke, sick to death of the other kids, led Naruto back to the tree house, and produced a blank notebook from his bag and a pencil case. He first filled a couple of pages back and front with scores of phonetic three-letter words, some of which weren't actual words, but a working combination of letter sounds. Naruto read them all, very slowly at first, but with greater fluency toward the end. After, Sasuke handed him the notebook and dictated words. All phonetic. Naruto wrote until another couple of pages were done. He wasn't used to writing, and his letters were an untidy scrawl, but he persevered. When Sasuke stopped speaking, he looked up questioningly. "What?"
"What do you mean, what?"
"Why'd you stop?"
"We're done for today."
"But…" Naruto looked around in amazement. It was dark outside.
"You did great," Sasuke smiled. "Those teachers you had should be shot. Nothing's wrong with you. I know you want to continue until you're reading the dictionary, but I'm starving. Haven't eaten all day. And I want to do at least one assignment before I turn in."
"Oh." Naruto slowly closed his notebook and realized his hand was cramped from so much writing. "Will we continue tomorrow?"
"Mmhm." Sasuke was rummaging in his bag, where it turned out he had a few assignments folded and tucked away in a side pocket.
Looking at him, Naruto felt that same full feeling of sweeping love he had earlier, when Sasuke was urging him to try reading. He saw the way those dark lashes lowered as Sasuke read whatever his assignment was, saw the frown of disgust at something that was likely difficult, and said, "Kiss me."
Sasuke looked up quickly in confusion, brows still knit. Then the words registered and his face cleared a bit. The frown was replaced by wary caution as the assignment was slowly set aside.
Naruto crawled to him and knelt right in front of him. He looked at Sasuke's mouth. "Kiss me," he said again.
Moving slowly, watching Naruto's eyes the entire time, Sasuke inched his head forward.
The kiss was soft and searching. Is this okay? What are we doing, what does this mean? But then Naruto rocked forward, pushing Sasuke back a little, and Sasuke's hands came up and dragged Naruto down with him. They fell back on the rug, adjusting themselves as the kiss deepened.
Thereafter things were better. There was still tension, but of a different sort. Sex wasn't broached again, by either of them, but frequently whenever they were alone they found themselves kissing like mad. Sleeping side by side compounded the issue, but they never let it go beyond a few heady moments of lip-locked intensity. Anything more, and their bodies would take over.
Sasuke always backed off before then. He still didn't know what Naruto was hesitant about, but he at least knew the guy wanted him on some level. After that first rejection he'd spent several days thinking Naruto was disgusted by him after all. That he couldn't give himself to someone who'd killed his parents. Now he just thought maybe Naruto might be insecure for reasons he didn't know. The way he seemed to be insecure about a lot of things. He didn't want to push Naruto; Naruto was very capable of getting loud and angry whenever he felt Sasuke was being too much of a jerk, and he liked the delicate balance they had now. Maybe he didn't quite know what they were to each other, but he wouldn't risk upsetting that balance by trying to find out.
For Naruto, though he lived in fear of driving Sasuke away by continuing to refuse sex, he was adamant about not giving himself up for a summer fling. Though…he couldn't deny that Sasuke seemed to be going nowhere. He still kissed Naruto into senselessness whenever they could manage it, and seemed devoted to teaching him.
And the lessons were now the focus of Naruto's life. As promised, Sasuke had shown him how the vowel sounds made different sounds when placed with other vowels. In fact, there were a lot of rules, but once learned, they did more or less make sense.
Sasuke held daily classes in the main room of the home, since all the kids were now his students. Some of the older ones who could already read were doing grammar lessons Naruto found mind-boggling (the fuck was an appositive?), while others who were even more advanced were given books to read and told to write reports on them. Sasuke had everyone busy, down to the toddlers, who'd been given special notebooks in which to trace their letters. Some didn't even have letters, but simple lines and circles that Sasuke called preparation to writing. Regardless to age, he assigned a ton of homework that had the home's residents, who were usually bored out of their minds and completely undisciplined, conforming to this strict 'school' in short order. How Sasuke was able to move between the different group levels he'd organized and keep them all busy, Naruto didn't know, but he himself was more than busy enough keeping up with his own workload. Sasuke introduced him to literally hundreds of what he called 'sight words'.
"These are words that don't really follow the rules I'm teaching you. You have to know them by sight," Sasuke said one day. And he would hold up a flashcard with a word on it. If Naruto didn't say the word in three seconds, Sasuke would say it for him, set the card on a pile of others words he'd missed, and move on to the next. If he was able to remember a sight word, it went on a different pile. At first the pile of words he didn't know was much bigger than the pile of words he did, but as time passed, the piles first evened out then switched heights.
Sasuke only taught them for three hours an afternoon. The rest of the time he needed for his own work, he said. Naruto and some of the other kids drilled each other on sight words and reading rules while Sasuke studied. They were now on diphthongs and consonant blends.
-oOo-
Sometimes Iruka pitched in and tested the kids on their latest lessons. As far as he was concerned, Sasuke could do no wrong now, especially when one kid collapsed in the bathroom one evening with a waxy yellow complexion. Sasuke had come on the run at Iruka's shout. Naruto had no idea what all the medical jargon that spewed out of his mouth was about, but it had been something to do with the kid's liver. Sasuke had spoken to the emergency dispatcher himself. Apparently the kid's life had been saved once he'd been taken to the hospital. After that, Sasuke had been gone for a day. When he came back, he'd had his disgruntled brother with him, who'd set about signing himself up for a week of med service to the home. Iruka had nearly kissed Sasuke.
It was indescribable to go seventeen years with your brain practically screaming from boredom, to not having enough hours in the day to cram all the stuff you were learning in to. Even with the long summer days, Naruto felt like he just couldn't get enough. Reading opened so many doors to him. Magazines and old newspapers that had been lying around the home for years were suddenly treasure troves. He could barely make out one word in ten, but he hoarded the publications just the same. No more sleeping away precious morning hours, either. Sometimes he and the other kids spent that time not saying a word, but passing painstakingly written notes to each other and to Hinata. Other times they wrote down the names for everything in the home, down to the walls and floor, and stuck these pieces of paper on the objects in question. Iruka put a stop to that when Naruto carefully laid the word 'vomit' next to a puddle of the stuff instead of cleaning it up.
-oOo-
The nights were another matter. He and Sasuke still managed to kiss after their mutually exhaustive days, but now some nights Naruto discovered something else while he slept. It wasn't something he'd experienced in years, not since he was twelve or so. It was like…even though he was asleep, he hadn't stopped kissing Sasuke. The excitement would follow him in slumber where it would give birth to dark, hot dreams of muffled sound and some thirsty thing that smelled of Sasuke, and chased him. He didn't know if he ran from it or fought with it, but it didn't want to hurt him. It just wanted him. And the touch of its hands on his body sent that excitement zinging through him in sharp spikes.
He'd always wake from these dreams to find his shorts wet and sticky. Sometimes Sasuke would turn over as he was climbing out the window. He'd regard Naruto with eyes barely open, and speak in a voice that was more asleep than awake.
"Where you going?"
"Nowhere," he'd say. "Bathroom."
That would be the end of it. Sasuke would roll back over and forget the episode. When Naruto came back from changing, he'd pause in the window, balanced on the balls of his feet, and just stare at him. Sasuke's fair body looked dark against their white sheet. Lean. Glistening with sweat. The thin material of his boxers sticking to his ass cheeks in a few places where the sweat had dampened the material. Legs bare and lightly dusted with black hair. Naruto would run his eyes up and down the length of Sasuke, and think about giving in. Just giving in to that gnawing need to feel those limbs all over him, to satisfy the consistent ache in his loins by any means other than his hand.
-oOo-
One night a couple of weeks after the lessons began, they were up in their bedroom. Sasuke asked for a bedtime story. Naruto looked over in question, surprised that they weren't kissing. "Huh?"
Sasuke pulled out the orange book from before.
"Oh." Naruto wet his lips nervously, before going to lie by the window, where the moonlight was strongest. Sasuke stretched out on his stomach next to him and waited.
Just two weeks ago I couldn't even read this, Naruto marveled. He had to pause before he began, as the letters now made perfect sense to him. To his shame, tears were coming again, but for a different reason. He cleared his throat. "Green Eggs and Ham."
Teaching Naruto how to read was a job that brought both boys closer together.
Sasuke concluded at the end of three weeks that Naruto was definitely challenged in some way. Sometimes a word he'd been reading perfectly for days suddenly didn't make sense to him anymore. He would have to re-learn it, or else he sometimes forgot the rules they'd learned and have to go back and re-learn those before moving forward. Seeing the way Naruto pushed himself to succeed despite these setbacks, the determination on his face, how earnest he was…it made him fall more in love with Naruto every day.
That was scary by itself. At discovering the compassion he had for the other students, who clearly had never had anything in their lives, not even the shitty teachers Naruto had been subject to, Sasuke thought he would commit suicide. It disgusted him how he was unable to deny a five-year-old help on writing the letter E, or a preteen advice on sentence structure. He'd be laughing himself sick at anyone else stuck in his position. And if it were anyone else but Naruto displaying the square traits the blond did, he'd have stabbed them on general principle.
But I'm in love with him. Fuck!
And it seemed that everything Naruto did, down to making stupid mistakes that had Sasuke holding back a scream of frustration, made him love the dork even more.
-oOo-
Naruto didn't know how much more of Sasuke he could take. The lessons he could handle, but Sasuke…if something didn't give soon, he knew he'd bend over for Sasuke and humbly beg to be used at his discretion.
Iruka had always been kind to him. A good listener, if a bit frazzled with the weight of his duties. But Naruto had never had someone take such an unbelievably personal interest in him the way Sasuke did. Not because it was a job, or he had to because of community service, but because he wanted to help Naruto. He helped the other kids too, (if only to shut them up, Sasuke had confided to him one day) but everything he did was for them was for his sake, not the kids'. Naruto knew this. Knew that Sasuke didn't give a shit about anyone in the home but him. Only him. To someone who'd been so painfully starved for this kind of attention, it was almost unendurable.
He had his someone. A person who was devoted to him, and willing to stand by his side no matter how stupid he was. At least for the summer. And he said I'm not stupid, just challenged. If Sasuke didn't stop being so incredible soon, Naruto didn't know what would happen to him when he left. I was in love with him before. Now I'm just fucked.
He didn't care. Not even when he could see knowledge of how deep things were between them reflected in Sasuke eyes. They were both fucked; recklessly in love, with the end of summer inexorably heading their way. If anything, the tension between them escalated as a result. They kissed more passionately, sometimes running their hands through each other's hair, or hugging hard while they did. They always broke apart whenever that physical threshold came up. That point where it was stop or get naked. They would gaze at each other, panting, hurting, trying to find answers to their questions in the other's eyes-
Why won't you stay with me?
Why don't you want me to touch you?
…and then they would be kissing again, telling themselves they didn't care, didn't care, nothing mattered but that moment. Tomorrow would never come. Summer would never end, and they would always have right now, with their hot hands, pounding hearts, and hungry mouths.
But it was ending. And Sasuke was leaving. That knowledge was beneath every kiss, behind every shared glance, and it made the tension almost palpable.
No matter how they tried to deny it when alone, time was marked by Naruto's steady progress, and how the bedtime stories Sasuke requested every night grew in difficulty. It was marked by how the days grew hotter, and the kids less wild as they had something to occupy themselves at last. And it was marked by Sasuke inviting Naruto to his place for dinner at Itachi's request. Sasuke's birthday had come.
"I can't even remember the last time I celebrated my birthday," Sasuke said as they walked over from the home. "Probably when my parents lived. But there he was last night, saying to invite you because he's cooking. Think he said something about a cake, too."
Naruto smiled. "Cake. Yes. Wish I could have gotten you something, though." He hadn't a cent to his name. "I'll make you something, how's that?"
Sasuke waved a hand. "No big. When's your birthday again?"
"October. So why do you think he wants to celebrate now? Think he'll sing the b-day song?"
"Ugh, stop it." Sasuke shuddered. "And I have no idea. But he's been sick since his service at the home."
"Sick? How?"
"I mean acting gross. Staring at me with these cartoon eyes. You know, the ones that are all big and shiny with repressed emotion. From me teaching those brats," Sasuke clarified when Naruto continued to frown.
"Oh. Haha! He's proud of you?" Naruto did a little skip and a hop.
"Something." Sasuke hunched his shoulders in discomfort. "Keeps smiling at me. Look, let's just get through this dinner as quickly and painlessly as possible, then we can go home."
Naruto's smile dwindled in awe. "You think of the tree house as home?"
"Yeah? I mean, I feel more at home there than I have in any place since my parents. What?" He looked over at Naruto's arrested expression.
"Nothing. Just…that makes me feel good."
"Don't make me cut you again."
Naruto tackled him, to which Sasuke protested loudly. But he tried to tackle Naruto in retaliation.
Itachi watched two laughing teens fall into the apartment and had to bite his lips to hold back his grin. Sasuke seemed to hate his tentative attempts at bridging their differences. "Right on time. Hungry?" he asked them.
Naruto hollered that he was starving, but Sasuke only eyed the dishes set out on their small table. "Take out?" he asked.
Itachi cleared his throat. "The roast suffered an accident."
Knowing Naruto's appetite, Sasuke was glad to see that the take out containers were plentiful. There were even more piled on the kitchen counter. They sat down to eat.
-oOo-
Dinner was quiet for the most part. Itachi asked Sasuke once if he wanted to do anything special tonight, but Sasuke only shook his head. Itachi, recognizing Sasuke's silence, turned to Naruto and pinned him with a bright stare. "I hear you'll be turning eighteen soon too."
"Uh, yeah. Where'd you hear that?" Sasuke had only just asked him when his birthday was, before they'd arrived.
"Iruka. Got plans?"
Naruto was silent for a long time, chewing thoughtfully. "Not really. I mean, I'll have to leave the home."
"Where will you go?"
"I don't know."
"What will you do?"
"Don't know that either. Don't know how to do anything."
Sasuke spoke up at last. "Naruto's a natural carpenter. And since he's learning how to read, I'm sure he can do some kind of job training somewhere."
"You won't be around to help him out with that, though, will you?" Itachi said off-handedly. He turned back to Naruto, ignoring Sasuke's heated glare. "What do you like to do besides carpentry?"
He asked Naruto a lot of questions that night, not just about what he liked to do, but which of the new books he was reading he liked best. What was the hardest part about learning to read? Did he like reading better than math? Was Sasuke a good boyfriend?
That last had Naruto choking on some rice. "Wha-what? He's not my boyfriend."
Itachi paused with his own chopsticks tucked into a corner of his mouth. He maneuvered his bite of food so he could speak, looking back and forth between Naruto and his brother. "He's not?"
"No," both boys chorused. Neither looked up from their food.
"I assumed, since you're living there, Sasuke, that you guys were going through boxes of condoms like-"
Sasuke stood up. "Want to see some of my books?" he asked Naruto loudly. Naruto left his unfinished food to immediately follow Sasuke to his room.
Itachi hid his laugh behind a napkin, almost crying in mirth. Run all you want, little brother. Six months ago we wouldn't even have been in the same room, much less having dinner. Not even three months ago. Haven't joked with you since mom and dad.
August was an oddly quiet month, compared to July. Sasuke announced with no small amount of relief that seeing as he wasn't teaching Naruto anymore, all other classes would stop as well. The children were sad, but knew better than to complain to Sasuke about it; they were terrified of incurring one of his beady-eyed frowns. Iruka made noises about himself and Hinata continuing the lessons. None of the children seemed interested in this, though. Sasuke might be feared, but his strict, inflexible mode of teaching was highly respected. Besides, as one of the older boys pointed out, since Iruka hadn't bothered teaching them before, why would he start now? That boy went without dessert that night.
As for Naruto, Sasuke brought him books daily. A variety of topics were introduced to him this way, including some subjects he would have received in school. These were on an elementary level, and he struggled with them, but that didn't stop him. Sasuke said he was far enough along now to teach himself, and Naruto did just that. By far the most invaluable things he received in aid of this venture were several dictionaries. One was a children's dictionary, which Naruto quickly outgrew, but the other two were for middle school and college respectively. Naruto was using the middle school one. He and Sasuke would eat when the latter got home, then spend long hours side by side, studying.
At night, when all studying was set aside, he and Sasuke would crawl up to their bedroom where a few exhausted yet blissful moments would be spent kissing and snuggling against each other. Then Naruto would pull out whatever book had been chosen as that night's story and begin reading. Two nights ago he'd begun a chapter book about a girl named Ramona Quimby. He would read until his eyes were closing, and Sasuke was snoring softly at his shoulder. When he finally gave in to sleep himself, he invariably had one of those dreams.
By day, he would get up when Sasuke did, and read until his eyes were grainy. Sasuke would come back and give him a mini writing assignment, whereupon he would practice penmanship and cursive, something Naruto privately thought was a product of hell. He hated it, but Sasuke said it was important despite handwriting being a lost art, as he put it.
-oOo-
And then it was the end of August. Sasuke showed up at the tree house a mere ninety minutes after leaving for school, with an odd expression on his face. Seeing it, Naruto couldn't decide if it was happy or sad. "What's wrong?"
Sasuke shrugged, then seemed to just wait there. Looking everywhere but at him. "I'm done. I passed. As of right now, I'm free. No institutions on my back."
All Naruto heard was the word 'free'. "Oh. I mean good. Passing and all. So…now what?"
Now Sasuke looked at him. The expression on Naruto's face was one of resignation, but there was more in those blue eyes. Hope, maybe. Fear that was almost masked by an effort at nonchalance. Almost, but not quite.
If he had to look at that expression for long, he'd go crazy. Naruto wouldn't ask again, but he would hear that question over and over in the silence. His face spoke volumes. Now what? Now what, now what, now what?
"Now…I guess I go home." No! Home meant so many things he just wasn't ready to face.
Naruto tried to swallow, but it seemed his throat had closed up. "This is your home."
"True…but." He held Naruto's stare.
"But?"
"I mean, I said I'd stay till the end of summer, then-"
"No. Just…don't. I'm not asking anything. Forget I said anything, okay? Just stay. Please? One more day? It's not even the end of summer yet. I read that summer isn't over till September twenty-something."
Something in Sasuke loosened. "Yeah…yeah, you're right. Psh, end of summer, what the fuck? We got plenty of time." Few more weeks. No harm in a few more weeks. And this was his home now.
Naruto smiled broadly in relief. The familiar routine of avoiding the elephant in the room was taken up once more.
For a wonder, they had a few days of fun. No summer school, Naruto reading…it was nice. Sasuke was able to take Naruto to the library once, followed by the bookstore, and then the park. Naruto noticed the way Sasuke's eyes habitually scanned people wherever he went, and wondered if Sasuke still stole things. When he'd been attending summer school, and studying a large part of each night, he didn't think so. Now that Sasuke was free again he might take up his old practices. If he hasn't already. Sasuke seemed to have an endless supply of money, as evidenced by the books he'd bought for him.
Sasuke asked one day, when they were sweating rivers in the home's kitchen, why there was no air conditioning. "How does this place stay open for business? I mean doesn't it have inspections? That sort of thing? You can't tell me a single bathroom, no A/C, and these few rooms for so many kids is regulation. Place should have been shut down or renovated years ago." He bit into his sandwich, but grimaced and threw it back down to his plate.
Naruto understood. It was too hot to eat. "Iruka said they would have been, but that would just mean re-homing the kids someplace else, and there's no place else. Not a whole lot of government funds come our way. Which sucks, because if I just had the supplies, I could rebuild this whole place. Add another wing at the very least. But that needs land, and there's definitely no money to buy the plot next to ours."
Sasuke gave him a funny look. "Dude. I know you're good with your hands, but seriously? You can renovate this place? Rebuild it?"
"Yeah, why not? You seem surprised."
"Uh, I don't know…maybe because renovation is a lot more complicated than your tree house? That's just wood. This is plumbing and wiring and shit."
"Who do you think's been doing repairs here for the past five years? Only took seeing a repairman do something once or twice."
"Oh."
"Anyway, some of the books I got at the library are on construction and architecture, you know. Can't make out half the words, but the illustrations are handy. I'd need a crew, but I could totally do it. Lemme show you something." Polishing off his own sandwich, he took Sasuke to the tree house and pulled out a battered notebook. "See? Sketches I did. The bathroom would be enlarged like this. Here. Without the addition of new land, I'd have to build up. That would require me tearing down the home completely to redo the foundations maybe, but it's doable. There'd be a floor for boys, one for girls, and a bathroom at either end of each floor. Six bedrooms to a floor. A floor for the kids below five, who need different care. Mess hall, kitchen, and rec room down on the first floor. Top floor can have staff bedrooms. What do you think?"
What did he think? "I think you've found your calling." He took the notebook and flipped through the pages more slowly. "These are amazing. Has Iruka seen them?"
"Yeah. He says it's a nice dream, but even if we somehow got the money, we'd still need to hire people to do the work, and the extra staff this place really needs. Can't have floors of kids with only him and Hinata." He took the book and put it away. "What's a calling?"
"A dictionary would say it's a strong urge toward a particular way of life or career. I say it's what you know you're born to do."
"Oh. You mean how I said that being a doctor isn't what you do it's who you are?"
"Yes."
"So that's your calling, then?"
Sasuke didn't answer.
And after that, he was mysteriously absent a few hours on some nights. Naruto didn't ask where he was. After all, Sasuke wasn't obligated to him in any way, a fact that put acid in his belly. He wanted to know every detail of Sasuke's life –the way he had when he'd been going to summer school- but the fact was that Sasuke didn't owe him anything. They were friends and that was it. He'd already gotten much more from Sasuke than from all the other people in his life combined. If the guy felt like he needed some time away, who was he to bitch about it?
Didn't stop him from hating the hours Sasuke was gone, though. Or from wondering if he really was pushing him away somehow.
But Sasuke always came back. His normally dour face would be wreathed in smiles the minute he saw the tree house, and more often than not he'd have a ton of take-out with him. If there was anything he loved more than Sasuke and learning to read, it was take-out. Those smiles alone were almost enough to make him ignore the way Sasuke sometimes reverted to his silent moodiness when he thought he was unobserved. But whenever he and Naruto were talking or reading or eating or laughing, all was fine.
He tried to think if he'd ever had a stretch of time since his parents had died, where there was nothing bugging him. A time when he wasn't angry or hurting or focusing on his unshakeable guilt every hour of every day. He didn't think so. But then, he hadn't had anyone in his life. Anyone besides Itachi. Someone who…did what? Accepted him? Itachi accepted him. Someone who was there for him? Itachi was there for him too, unfailingly so. What was it Naruto did, then, that made the thought of leaving freeze his insides? How did he end up loving him?
He thought about these things whenever he was away from the home. He never stayed away long. Just long enough to reaffirm to himself, each time, that a permanent separation from Naruto would likely fuck him up something ugly. He needed Naruto. Naruto knew the worst about him, stuff Itachi didn't even know, and still wanted him. Well…sort of wanted him.
He still doesn't want me fucking him.
Sasuke had no idea what that was about, but he couldn't blame Naruto. Guy was…not idealistic, but definitely the relationship type, he could tell. Then too, he'd been the first one to tell Itachi that they weren't boyfriends. Maybe sex was something he only wanted to do with a boyfriend? Well, he didn't do boyfriend. Ever.
But you want to. Admit it, if he said he wanted you to be his you'd jump at the chance.
Pulling up three blocks from the home, Sasuke hesitated. They were a week into September now. The looks hadn't been present at first, but the more time passed, the more he saw that unasked question on Naruto's face. Now what? When are you leaving? How much longer do we have?
That was a good question. One he'd avoided answering for himself because he just…didn't…know. It ate at him. Sometimes when they were together, it would swamp his mind completely. If he left…well, he could start over. Be someone else. Someone who hadn't killed his parents, who didn't have a brother whose eyes asked the same questions Naruto's silences did. Someone…new. Good. Undamaged. That thought held a lot of appeal. Just cut loose and leave it all behind.
It'd still be there though. Just because you're not looking at it doesn't mean it's not there.
Turning, Sasuke walked away from the home.
His past would be with him no matter where he went. Sitting in the background, shaping his new persona by virtue of the fact that he'd be trying to do everything Uchiha Sasuke wouldn't or couldn't do. And all that aside, the thought of leaving, just the thought, made him do a slow burn. He could leave his brother. But he could not willingly walk away from Naruto. Just walk away without looking back? It felt like he was stabbing himself in the chest. If he stayed, though…
It would mean a lot of things. Dealing with…shit. Ugh.
Naruto would be turned loose in a month. He'd thought about taking Naruto on the road and just being with him. They could face the world together, but the idea, though attractive, had little appeal. He knew Naruto. And he knew Naruto saw a lot in him that he didn't see himself. He might be okay with the grifter lifestyle for awhile, but eventually he'd expect Sasuke to do something. Make something of himself, and he'd be right. Besides, he was honest enough to admit that he was only able to shit around Oto the way he did because he was free to; he had a home and a brother to support him. If he were on his own, he'd have to be legit. Find a place, a job. Feed himself. Grifting did not lend itself to the straight and narrow way of living, so that option was out.
He could stay here and get a job. Which he'd probably lose in a week because he hated bending for other people's rules. He would not flip burgers in some greasy spoon, or take orders from someone who was barely above a middle school level.
It really only left one option. And to do that, he'd need to face his brother. Well, not really. He supposed he could get by without squaring things away with Itachi, but what did he want? Really, what did he want out of life?
To be whole. And not hurt. And Naruto. I want Naruto no matter what I do.
The whole subject of Naruto was something else he spent a lot of time ignoring. He wanted the guy, but didn't come right out and pursue him aggressively because a) he had nothing to offer him –was actually living in his house- and b) Naruto might reject him outside of bed as well. That. That, he would rather die than live through. If he stayed, he'd have to face that.
Naruto would want him to fix it with his bro, too. Would want him to be somebody. The guy he envisioned having good days. The guy that gave him chills. And Sasuke wanted to be that guy. Someone worthy of Naruto's respect.
The key in the door only startled him a moment. He hadn't seen Sasuke since his birthday. There'd been a phone call from the woman running the summer school. Sasuke had gotten his diploma. A call to the home had confirmed that his brother was still living there, so he hadn't skipped town yet. Only a matter of time, though. At seeing his bro slide through the door, he figured this was it. Goodbye.
Itachi put his pen down, crossed his arms, and leaned back in his chair. His muscles were already tensing up in dread.
Most of the lights were off. Just his light in the kitchen nook burning, so Sasuke was a dark shadow amongst other shadows. He could see him waiting by the living room couch. Just standing there. "Sasuke?"
"I can't…can't stop seeing it, you know?"
The voice, floating out of the dark like that, at once had him rising out of his chair, and hanging back. "Sasuke, are you-"
"It's part of why I hate coming home. Here. Coming here to this apartment. Every time I open this door, there you are, your nose in those fucking books. Making me remember. Same deal with school. You put me there. Being there reminds me of you, which reminds me of them. And I can't stop seeing them. I can't stop seeing them lying on the floor, their blood on my hands. Can't."
When had he gone into the living room? He didn't know, but he was there, eyes adjusted enough to see that he was standing right in front of Sasuke. Hands held up as if to catch his brother or pull him into a hug, but not touching him. Sasuke was looking somewhere to his right. The tears rolling down his face rocked him where he stood. "Sasuke."
"I just want to have a good day. You know? Like Naruto said. A good day, one good day, where I'm just…amazing. I'm doing everything right and being the guy mom and dad always knew I'd be.
"But I can't. Can't. No matter what I do, or where I go, I can't stop seeing that night, or feeling the guilt, or hating you. I hate you most of all, I can't stop, can't stop, c-can't s-s-stop."
There was more. How hating him was the only thing making the guilt bearable, the only thing holding him together. When he reached for Sasuke, the kid fought. Punched, kicked, cursed, spat furious words of denial at him…but then his brother's shivering body was in his arms. He had no idea when or how they'd ended up rocking on the floor, but the tears were almost his undoing. Fuck it, he'd been undone the moment he realized it was happening at last; this confrontation was ten years in the making.
The crying was brutal. Not easy for his brother to do and certainly not easy for him to listen to, but the worst of it only lasted some minutes. He held Sasuke tightly while it lasted, feeling the heat of those tears soak through his shirt. Only when Sasuke spitefully blew his nose in that same shirt and called him an asshole did he breathe easier.
There was relative silence for a time. Unsurprisingly, Sasuke moved away and put some distance between them. Sat across from him, cross-legged, forehead cradled in one palm.
"I can't get out of the shadow of that night," Sasuke hiccuped. "I can't stop feeling guilty and hating myself. God, I hate myself so much, and you. You don't deserve it which just makes me hate you more."
Itachi almost laughed. It was such a childish statement, but he'd realized long ago that part of Sasuke had never moved on from that night. Part of him had just never grown up.
But he'd had his brother in his arms. Actually in his arms. Sasuke had been broken. Had healed incorrectly. And now he had broken again. It was up to him to set the break cleanly this time so his brother could be whole. "Listen to me," he said quietly. "I'm only going to say this once. Are you listening?"
Sasuke nodded and Itachi moved over so that they were sitting side by side. After a moment, he carefully put an arm around his slumped shoulders.
"It happened. It was awful. Unfair. But it happened. I know you feel guilty and that nothing I say will ever change your mind about how they died. I know that. All I can do is help you see things from another angle. Help you see that doctors lose patients all the time. People with more experience than you had. Renowned physicians, decorated surgeons, star interns and residents. The first time it happens is hard for all of them…but it happens, Sasuke. That it was mom and dad sucks, but we don't have control over life and death. Nobody does, I don't care how skilled they are. You tried to help them and they died. That's it. You could have left them alone and they might have died. They could have gotten to the hospital and been treated by Tsunade herself and they might still have died. It was their time. They went. You were there. You didn't hurt them. Didn't kill them. They just died when you were there. And you were small and alone and afraid."
Sasuke was still. Listening.
Itachi risked tightening his arm around him. This position they were in was exactly how they'd been on that night so many years ago. Him arriving with the paramedics to find Sasuke hysterical. Sitting on the floor with him, holding him while their parents were worked on. Watching while resuscitation failed. He imagined that Sasuke was seeing them all over again too, as they'd been. So still and bloody.
"Let me help you," he said into the black hair beneath his chin. Sasuke didn't move when he put his lips in that hair and left a small kiss. "Let me shoulder the pain with you. I can help, if you let me. You're not alone, and you did nothing wrong. I believe that. And I believe in you. Just let it go. It can't be changed, so it has to be let go. Can you do that?"
"No. I don't know."
Itachi gently pushed him up so he could see his face. "Can you try?"
Sasuke was silent for a long time. He had to hand it to his bro, the guy didn't coddle him or try to convince him he was wrong to feel guilty. He just firmly believed it hadn't been his fault. Really believed. Stated his reasons for believing it and then asked him to try and live with it. To let him help.
He didn't even say anything about being hated. Didn't matter to him, Sasuke guessed. Because he knew deep down he wasn't hated.
Huh. Something that had been such an integral part of his life. Something that had ruled his life for ten damn years. And it wasn't even real. Just a front. A mask for the real deal. His brother knew him. I don't know myself.
And he didn't know if he could let it go. If he could bear releasing all the hate –false or not- and the guilt that had kept him from feeling the pain of his parents' loss. How they'd died and his own questionable part in it was wrapped up in that pain and he just didn't know if he'd be able to stand it without those shields in place.
Naruto.
Itachi was staring at him, he saw. Waiting to see if he had the sac to stop running. Waiting to catch him if he fell. Always waiting.
"I'll try."