Chapter 10
What to Believe
They sat in a room, one of them in a different room. None of them wanted to be there, knowing what was happening with the other person in the different room. Nothing could be done about Peggy. It was her time.
Steve was with her, holding the flowers that he always brought. He didn't want to let them go, that being the last time that he could let them go.
"Don't look like that, Steve."
He wanted to cry. For her, and for another reason.
After Nat came into the den, he knew that something was wrong. "It's Peggy," she said, real concern on her face.
"What?" Steve asked back. It took him a moment to realize that he only spoke in his mind.
"It doesn't look good, Steve," Nat tried to say. She wanted to explain to him what was wrong instead of making him sit there in suspense, but at the same time she didn't want to have to say it.
Steve just stood there, trying to process just what the hell was going on. Between what Bucky had just said and what Nat was trying to say, he didn't know what to think. He felt as though he was in a nightmare, similar to the one with Bucky where he felt like he was floating.
But he didn't feel like he was floating. He felt like he was sinking, drowning.
Steve didn't want to let go of the flowers.
Bucky could feel his chest ache. Like his chest was warping, bending under the pressure of his actions. It surprised him that he was able to feel anything after what he had done to Steve. He didn't want anyone to look at him, feeling like they could read his mind and knew just what he had done.
Bucky knew what he did. He regretted it the moment it came out of his mouth. Bucky insinuated that Steve was gay, and told him that he himself wasn't. The look on Steve's face… It looked like a boulder was dropped on him, on his heart. Bucky's words crushed his chest, the boulder over his heart, and skewed Steve's face into a mess that he didn't want to see. He was the one that pushed the boulder off the ledge, it tumbling down and crushing Steve. The look on Steve's face... He knew that he had done that.
He knew it had to be done. He already made his decision. Hurting Steve was better than him being dead. But Bucky didn't add Peggy dying into the equation.
The old soldier sat there, hiding his thoughts behind a blank look that was showing itself more that day than it had in a long time, due to Steve on both accounts. At the same time that he hid his thoughts, he wanted someone to notice the pain he was in, so he wouldn't have to be alone. He should have been alone at that moment. His plan after virtually destroying Steve's heart was to leave without another word and never go back. Again, he didn't think that something could come up that would make him stay.
Nat was the one person that he wanted to talk to. He was too afraid to talk to Steve and he never really wanted to talk to the others, sitting around in the same room while Steve was with Peggy. Bucky wanted to talk to Nat to figure out what he should do next, but she couldn't know the whole story. As far as he could remember, he was never the type that was good at making up his own mind. It was so much easier to do what he was told than it was to decide things for himself.
"Come get coffee with me," Nat said, making Bucky look up at her. He didn't argue and followed her out. "What happened back at the tower?" She knew that something wasn't right with Steve when she told him they had to go see Peggy. Nat knew how he was supposed to react and he looked as blank as a sheet of paper. Bucky said something to him before she went to the den. She needed to know what.
"I said something I shouldn't have but needed to say."
Nat looked at him. How could someone need to say something, but shouldn't say it? "You're going to have to clarify for me," she said as they gathered together a tray of cups of coffee.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
Bucky's voice lowered in volume, but raised in pitch, "I didn't even want to say it the first time."
"Then why did you?"
He sniffled. "To protect him," Bucky said, picking up the tray before Nat got the packets of sugar.
"From who?" She asked, grabbing them and walking faster than usual to catch up to him.
"From me." Bucky's chest ached. That deep ache where his heart was straining to pump blood, where it wanted to give up but had to struggle on.
"Hey," Nat said, wanting him to stop, "Don't let him slip away. I know you still want him. The worst thing you can do, is nothing."
He heard her, but couldn't think of anything that could be done.
Steve's body was numb. When the nurses talked to him, or anyone around him talked at all, it reminded him that he wasn't in a nightmare, that his hell was real. It reminded him that everything was falling apart. When someone talked, it was like they were punching his numb body, making him feel the pain that his life seemed to be revolving around.
He had to put the flowers down. After Peg requested that they finally have their dance, he knew, for her, he had to put the flowers down. The nurses should have advised against it, but they helped Peg out of bed and into Steve's arms. He held her up, and they spun in slow, lazy circles to music from their days.
He thought that he was going to hurt her, being the only thing holding her up, but she insisted that she was fine. "I want to have that dance, Steve. Don't worry about hurting me anymore."
Steve knew her well enough to know that she couldn't feel much anymore. She wasn't in pain because she couldn't feel it. It was the best that he could hope for her.
They continued like that, Steve with his arms under Peggy's, Peggy with her arms around Steve's neck but not there for support. They both knew that Steve was the one holding her up, so there was no physical reason for her to have her arms around him.
"Did you tell him?" Peggy asked, her feet light on his.
Steve was the one that had to think about her words for a moment, trying to remember what she meant.
She was talking about Bucky. "No," he said, his throat trying to close itself, "I have a feeling I never will tell him."
Peg looked up at him, her old eyes duller than the last time he saw them. "Why not?"
Steve gave her a smile, "I don't think it'll work out the way it did last time." His smile was fake, of course.
"I have a feeling he doesn't know what he's talking about. Tell him, for me." She had a feeling that Bucky was hiding something, though she never spoke to him. She didn't even know what Bucky said to Steve. She just had a feeling.
They continued to dance in silence, Peggy's family entering the room to watch them. Steve didn't mind, nor did he have the grounds to mind her family wanting to be with her for the remainder of her… Steve didn't want to think about that.
"You know, Steve," Peggy said, her old voice shaky, "We die a little each day," that made Steve loose it. A sob burst from his chest and he held her tighter, putting his eyes on her shoulder.
Peggy felt Steve squeeze her. "We die a little every day. It's called aging," she said over Steve's raked breathing, "Eventually, our bodies can't handle aging anymore, and we pass on. There's things in my life that I regret, but I know one thing that I don't regret." Peggy put her hand on Steve's head, not being able to feel his hair but still wanting her hand there.
They were advised to stop dancing, so Peggy could lay down again before…
Steve looked down at her, seeing her start to fade. "You should be with your family," he said, "But I'll still be here, like how you were for me."
She knew what he meant.
In the end, Peggy was the one to let go of Steve's hand. She knew that was important for him to see, to feel.
They were emotionally drained. Just knowing what Steve went through with Peggy was enough to exhaust them. Everyone followed Steve into the tower, into the elevator, up the their floor. No one really wanted to be there, but they stayed for Steve. Steve never expressed his desire for them to be there, but everyone knew they had to be there for him, if he decided he wanted to talk.
Peggy died peacefully, surrounded by her remaining family members and Steve, who was considered a family member after how many times he went to visit her.
Steve sat down on a sofa, giving a blank look similar to the ones Bucky had. Expressionless, blank. Without emotion because there was no need for emotion. Surviving took all the energy, the need, out of expressing emotion. The others followed him into the room, but hung back and didn't sit down by him. Bucky thought they were dumb for not going by him and walked behind the sofa and to the front, sitting beside Steve.
"Steve," Bucky said, putting his hand on Steve's forearm.
Steve recoiled, flinging Bucky's arm away. He got up, his back to Bucky. "Don't touch me."
Bucky let Steve go to his room, closing his eyes and letting his head fall slightly as he went.
Steve didn't come out to eat that night. It worried Bucky and he went to Steve's room, tapping on his door. "Steve?"
"Go away."
Bucky sighed. "Funny. I thought you never wanted me to leave."
Steve opened his door, his eyes red and tried. "If you hated it so much, why didn't you say something?" He said from the darkness of his room. Bucky was thinking about what Steve meant, so he continued on, "If you're so sure about it, I'll stop bothering you." He slammed the door in Bucky's face, locking it behind him. "Now stop bothering me," he barked from in his room.
Without another word, Bucky stood there, trying to think of something to say. He didn't want to speak though, given how much his words had hurt Steve. He sat down in front of Steve's room, leaning his back up against the door. He put his head back after a while, thinking about how he could fix what he had broken.
He felt like he was running. Running toward Steve, trying to catch up to him. While he ran, he felt like he was falling, tripping often and scrambling to get back up so he wouldn't lose sight of Steve. He felt like he was tripping over Hydra, like it was the boulders under his feet, the obstacle on his twisting path to Steve. Hydra made him fall, and he had to get back up if he was going to get to Steve.
And he had to get to Steve.
He stayed at Steve's door, listening to him move around with his enhanced hearing.
But he didn't need super-soldier hearing to hear Steve sobbing all night.
Bucky woke when Steve opened his door that Bucky was sleeping against, making him fall into Steve's room. He blinked and stretched his eyes at the sudden feeling of a floor on his back. Steve stepped over Bucky to get out of his room, without acknowledging Bucky besides having to step over him.
He watched Steve walk away, getting up to follow him to wherever he was going. Steve headed for the kitchen, and Bucky would have too if it wasn't for Natasha stopping him.
"Give him some space. He's trying to act all tough, like nothing happened to hide how much he's hurting."
Bucky wiped his hand on his face. "I know."
"God, this is terrible."
"What should we do?" Pepper asked.
"Nothing," Tony said, "Wait till he does something."
Steve cracked an egg on the side of a pan, it sizzling as it plopped onto the hot metal. He knew it was coming, but that didn't make losing her hurt any less. He wasn't hungry, but he knew he should eat. The others would say something was wrong if he didn't eat. He didn't want them to tell him something was wrong. He just wanted to forget everything that happened the day before. For once, he envied Bucky for not being able to remember things.
Bucky.
Steve was afraid to look at him, to even think about him. The only thing he could think about Bucky was what he said and his mind made up only bad things that would happen from then on. Bucky would leave, he wouldn't stop him from leaving. Bucky would never love him, he was giving up hope on that quickly. The worst one was Bucky feeling indifferent about him. He would rather Bucky hate him than feel nothing toward him, hate nor love. Feeling something was better than nothing.
Steve found himself sick to his stomach, immediately turning off the stove and throwing the pan in the sink. He ran water over the cooking eggs and put soap on top of the mess in the sink, trying to get the smell of nauseating food out of the kitchen and out of his nostrils. He leaned over the counter, his arms holding him up. He felt like throwing up, but there was nothing in his stomach to empty. Steve forced his knee up against the cupboard, trying to stay standing, but sliding down and letting his knee fall to the floor. His other knee followed and he held onto the countertop, hiding his face in his arm. He couldn't hold himself there. Steve let his arms slide down like the rest of him did, defeated, without purpose. He fell against the cupboard, making the door hit against it, and turning his back to it. Steve crouched over himself, his head in his hands.
Bucky tried to explain to them why Steve was acting different from what they expected of him. "I said something to him, alright?" He hated himself for it, for putting Steve through that pain, for not knowing that he was going to add to the damage that Steve was in for. It was twisting him up inside, gnawing at what felt like everything that he needed to survive, chewing it up and disappearing with it without a trace.
He thought he could do it. He thought he could tell Steve that he was never going to have feelings toward him so he could leave and not go back. It wasn't the first time Bucky thought he could do something but couldn't because of Steve.
"I thought you told me you wouldn't hurt him," Tony said, getting up to go check on Steve.
"I know, but I swear," Bucky's voice cracked, "This is destroying me." The smell of food coming from the kitchen was making him sick to his stomach.
Tony stopped at the entrance to the kitchen, staring in and watching the man on the floor. Natasha looked up at Tony, trying to figure out why he looked worried. Bucky saw her reaction and looked over at Tony, immediately getting up, his body following his eyes to the kitchen. The others followed right after Bucky, stopping outside of the kitchen while Bucky was the only one who ventured in.
"Hey Steve," he said, kneeling down beside him. He knew why Steve was crying. It only made him hate himself more.
Steve shook his head at Bucky, trying to hide it more under his arms. Bucky reached over to pull his arms away so he could calm Steve down, but he wasn't cooperating.
Then Steve yelled out "Stop!" and flung his arm out, hitting Bucky in the face.
Bucky fell back, looking to the side, not understanding what happened.
He couldn't process the thought of Steve hitting him. It was too foreign for him to think about. It was a problem that he couldn't find the solution to.
Steve looked at Bucky, then looked away as though he deserved it.
Bucky raised himself up, turning his back to Steve. "Is this the end of the line, then?"
Steve didn't respond.
"Fine. If you don't want me here, I don't have a reason for staying."
"Do something," Steve thought, "Don't let him walk out."
When Steve continued to be silent, Bucky left the room, walking past the others that gathered around the entrance to the kitchen.
"Get up. Do something. Don't just sit here and let him get away. You love him, dammit, do something about it." He thought about the path he would take to Bucky, walking past Clint and Sam to get to Bucky. He thought about catching the door handle before Bucky could close it behind him. He thought about grabbing Bucky and not letting him walk away. He wasn't sure he could lose the most important person in his life, the one he made decisions around, the one he loved for God knows how long.
But he did nothing. In his head, he heard what Bucky said the day before, and did nothing.
He felt the thread tying their lives together snap.
Steve hid his head in his arms again, this time clenching his fists. He heard the door to the residence floor open and close. Steve took one of those fists and slammed it into the tile of the kitchen floor, breaking any that were in the way of his hand.
Tony walked into the kitchen then, crossing his arms. "Wow. Way to be a pussy."
Steve looked up at him. "You'd better hope that wasn't directed at me."
Tony smiled at him. "Damn right it was," he nodded.
Steve threw himself at Tony, his hands in the front of Tony's t-shirt. Sam and Clint flinched in their direction, but Pepper and Natasha knew what Tony was doing. "Don't you dare say that to me. You have no idea what the hell is going on between us. What makes you think you can-"
"You let him walk out," Tony interrupted, slapping Steve's hands away, "Don't you tell me that you're brave for not going after him. That isn't how the stories go. Brave doesn't mean letting someone you love walk out on you."
Steve looked at him, losing some of the anger that he had at Tony because of Tony.
Tony shoved his phone at Steve, making him grab onto it before he let go. Unlike when Bucky went on a walk the day before, Steve would have a way of finding the man that time. "You're going after him," he said, his eyebrows raised and his head tilted down slightly, his eyes fixed on Steve, "Because I know you're not a going to let him get away after you just got him back."
Bucky didn't know where he was going to go. He didn't want to go back to Hydra, but he would if it was his last option.
He knew he could find other options besides Hydra.
Anything was better than Hydra.
Steve was better than-
He couldn't think about Steve. He had to get away from Steve before he hurt him more or got him killed. Bucky knew Steve wouldn't come after him, though he wished he would and wouldn't at the same time. Of course he wanted Steve to go after him, but he knew he had to keep Steve safe and get away from him. Besides, he doubted that he wanted Bucky around after the mess he made of Steve.
He had no idea where he was going. If he knew that damn city once, it was useless to him because he didn't know it then. Not even his walk the day before helped him. Soon, there were less and less people around, and after hours of walking and wandering, the sun was starting to set. Bucky thought about the bed he had back at the tower, but knew he couldn't go back to it. He had to find some other place to sleep. Probably in an abandoned subway. At least, that's what those hobos did in that TV show he watched once.
Bucky wasn't aware that Steve, with Tony's phone housing JARVIS in it, was tracking him down. Tony made Steve angry about what he said, which was just what he needed to stop feeling like shit about letting Bucky leave and getting up and going after him. He was still raw from what Bucky said the day before, but he was going to talk to him about that. Looking back at it, he wondered why Bucky said that but didn't leave right away. If he meant it, he would've left right after he said that. Steve didn't expect to find him falling over in front of his bedroom door.
"Mister Rogers, you were supposed to take a left twenty feet behind you." JARVIS said, sounding loud compared to the silence of the sidewalk around Steve.
"Oh sorry," Steve said, turning around to make his turn. He realized that he apologized to a robot or program or whatever JARVIS was and hoped that no one heard him.
Tony told Steve that JARVIS would do a search of the city and track down Bucky through some means, and to just follow his directions. Pepper asked him if he wanted to take a car or something, but Steve knew that walking in New York was faster than driving through the traffic. Plus, Steve didn't want to drive. He knew the city better by foot.
"A right here," JARVIS told him.
Steve saw a green sweatshirt, with the hood pulled up. He saw his pants on the person and shoved the phone into his pocket, picking up his pace but not running to the man. Bucky kept walking on the sidewalk, past a turn that forked off around a building, Steve taking the turn. He jogged around the building and waited by the end of it, for Bucky to either see him or catch up to him.
Bucky kept his head to the ground, watching only ten feet in front of him so he wouldn't run into anyone or anything. When he saw familiar shoes, he looked up the body for a moment before looking back down, sure that it wasn't Steve.
"You're not even going to apologize?" He thought he heard Steve say. He thought that it was someone else, given that everyone he passed before that sounded like Steve.
Bucky looked back at the person he passed. He wasn't sure if he should have been relieved or if he should have ran when he saw Steve.
Steve was waiting for an answer. "Well?"
Bucky thought about walking away.
"I suppose it doesn't matter," Steve went on to say, "Because you can say you're sorry all you want to a broken window, but that doesn't make the shards hop back into place and fix themselves."
Bucky turned to Steve, angry because he couldn't understand. "What do you want me to do?" He spoke more intensely than he wanted to.
"If you don't want anything to do with me, leave right now." Steve said suddenly.
Bucky stayed, but realized too late that he should have left. He tried to leave after Steve gave him a look like he was right.
"No. You can't now. I don't know what's going on with you, but I know you don't want to leave."
Bucky didn't deny it.
Bucky felt Steve pull on his arm and he didn't even try to resist being pulled into an alley behind the building he was going to walk right past. Steve hid them behind part of the building that jutted out, sure that no one could see them and interrupt them. "Why did you say it? Did you even mean it?"
Bucky didn't want to look him in the eye. The last time he did, he lied right to his face. "No."
Steve's eyebrows pinched together. "Then why did you say it?"
Why did he call Steve a queer? "Because I thought it would protect you."
"Protect me?" That surprised Steve. "Protect me from what?"
It was like what he told Natasha. "From me. I'm more trouble than I'm worth."
"Why does he think that he isn't worth anything?" Steve had to think, again, that if Bucky meant nothing, then Why was he Steve's whole world? How could he mean nothing to himself if he was all that Steve had ever cared about?
"It was just something to say. You can always say exactly what needs to be said and I try and, and I just hurt you and…" Bucky took Steve's wrist in his hand, clasping his fingers around one side of it. He pushed his thumb up under the sleeve of Steve's jacket so he could feel Steve's skin under his thumb.
It took all of his power to lie to Steve. He had to think long and hard about what he was going to say to Steve when he lied to his face, denying any emotion he had for the man right to his face. It took none of his power to tell Steve the truth. The words that had meaning behind them flowed easily.
"You radiate healing. All you ever do to me is make me better. If I want to get over this Winter Soldier shit, all I have to do is stay by your side." Bucky looked up at Steve, unafraid of lying to him and hurting him because he was only going to tell him the truth. "But that isn't my main concern now. I don't matter here. I'm the one who hurt you and I have to somehow fix that."
Bucky let Steve's wrist go and put his hands on the sides of Steve's face, one of his fingers rubbing under Steve's ear. He knew he was setting himself up, but he didn't think he could live with himself if he lied to Steve. "Right now, I need you to understand how much… Just how much I really do care about you." Steve looked at him like he was preparing for the worst. "Don't… Don't give me that look. Don't look at me like I'm going to let you down. I only said what I did because I thought it would protect you from the hell that follows me wherever I go. Now I know, I shouldn't have said that to you. There's nothing I want more than for you to understand that. I am sorry, and I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry that I can't be better for you, that I'm always making mistakes when it comes to you but I'm going to try and prove to you that you don't have to be afraid of me, that your feelings will be matched."
Steve had a hard time believing that. He was already ripped around by what Bucky said before. If words could reach into someone's chest and rip out their heart, that's what Bucky did.
"You don't have to forgive me. That's not what I'm trying to do." Bucky let Steve's face go. "I just want some way to prove to you that I didn't mean what I said." He put his hand on his head. "I don't even need that. I only need you to know that I care too fucking much about you to let myself screw up again." But it was asking too much for Steve to trust him at all after everything he did.
Steve thought about that. He saw how Bucky didn't struggle for his words, didn't have to think before he spoke. "What are you willing to do?" Steve asked, making Bucky light up.
"Anything," he answered immediately after.
Steve still wasn't sure. He knew Bucky was lying when he called him a queer, but he didn't know why he had to lie.
"Kiss me." Bucky said suddenly, almost making Steve backpedal.
"What?"
"You know you heard me."
Steve looked at him, trying to figure him out. He was cautious around Bucky, checking his face before he put his hand on his neck, before he leaned his head down and kissed him, when he turned his head to the side after he pulled it away.
Bucky looked utterly unimpressed. Steve's hand at his neck loosened its grip. "M'kay, nah," Bucky said, raising his eyebrows and flattening his lips at Steve. He looked Steve in the eye, tilting his chin up at him, "Kiss me like you mean it, dammit," Bucky growled at him through gritted teeth.
Steve saw a scar on Bucky's lip that he hadn't noticed before, even with all the time that he had looked at those lips.
It seemed like all of New York was silent then. Either that, or they were so focused on each other that they didn't pay mind to anything other than themselves.
Steve threw his hands up to Bucky's face, his chest hitting hard against Bucky's. The skin on Bucky's face mashed under Steve's intense hold, cold from the night air under his warm hands. He practically bit at Bucky's lips, pressing his teeth into them and sucking them like he was going to win a fight they weren't having.
Bucky put his hands on Steve's sides, squeezing his jacket and his skin until it was under the same pressure that his lips were. He pulled Steve's stomach closer to his, digging his fingers into Steve's sides. His scent, sweet and almost floral, was profound at their distance to each other.
Steve felt Bucky's hands at his side, pulling him closer. He met the demand by separating their lips for a moment so he could push Bucky to the wall of the building, his own body following oh so close after. At the same moment that he pressed Bucky into the wall, he pressed their lips together again. Steve moved one hand behind Bucky's neck, nudging his knee between Bucky's thigh as he did so.
Bucky moaned into Steve's lips, making them vibrate. Steve breathed out fast onto Bucky's lips and his face, then bit down on those lips. They kissed like they knew what they were doing. They knew how to angle their heads together, how to tilt their chins when one wanted to part for air. They had a much better idea of what to do with each other than their first time kissing.
A car went by, headlights lighting up the alley behind them, the light bending with the corners of the buildings as the car drove by, but not revealing them in their private spot. There was a silent, mutual agreement that they would part, though they kept their lips within reach of each other, pressed up against the corners of the other's mouth.
Steve was about to say something, and Bucky had a pretty good idea what. "Don't," he said into the corner of Steve's mouth, "Let me be the first to say it." He wanted to prove to Steve that he was invested too. Bucky felt like Steve was already so emotionally invested in him that it wasn't fair for him if he was going to say it first. "Put it on me. Don't stress yourself out with what I'll say back and let me be the first to say it." He didn't want Steve to think that he cared more than Bucky did.
Instead of neither two of a couple wanting to say it first, for fear of not being loved back, both of them wanted to say it. Though he didn't have that assured feeling then, Bucky knew that he could come to have it. If there was a feeling between like and love, he was at that spot with Steve.
But he couldn't tell Steve something like that. If Hydra ever learned that their top assassin had any feelings toward someone, whatever those feelings may have been, they-
Actually for all Bucky was concerned, after a kiss like that, Hydra could go fuck itself.