The feel of sweat rolling down her back was one of the most satisfying sensations in the world. It meant that Shepard was getting back into the swing of things: running, pumping iron, not wanting to pass out after going up a flight of stairs. She relished it as her feet slowed on the treadmill. Penny's infectiously bright smile flashed and the woman helped her down.

"You're doing so well, Shepard. While I'm sad to have to say this, I think we won't need to see each other in another week or two! I've never seen anyone recover so quickly."

Her amused grin had a sharp edge to it. "That's what I do." Overshooting expectations was exactly what she did; they said it'd take five months, and she'd done it in three. Despite the exemplary success of her therapy, Chakwas still held firm on the 'no more combat' ruling. While a setback, there were other things Shepard could do. Kaidan had sat her down one evening and suggested they make a list of all the ways she would be able to help out. Unfortunately most of them involved public speaking or being a figurehead, but it was something. Even though she hated the spotlight, she hated the idea of not doing everything she could more.

Blonde hair bounced away and Penny eventually returned with a cool towel. "You have a visitor outside. Is it okay to let him in?"

Shepard paused. A visitor? Penny knew to just let Kaidan in, so who could it be? Her brow twisted. "Uh… I guess?"

"Oops! It would probably help to know who it is, wouldn't it?" Her physical trainer laughed and flushed an attractive pink. The young woman had been recently sporting a diamond ring, and was very distracted lately. "I'm sorry, my mind isn't here today. It's Flight Lieutenant Moreau. He was your pilot, right?"

Oh. Joker. Her first reaction was to tell him to get the hell out, that she wouldn't be able to stand being near him. The guilt might overwhelm her. Shepard took a few moments to collect herself. It wasn't fair to him, for her to hide away. It was her fault and her decision; she had to own up to it and face him. "Yeah, he was. Go ahead, let him in. We're done for today?"

"We sure are! I'll see you tomorrow." Penny gave an amateur-at-best salute and marched off. Shortly after the door clicked shut, Shepard groaned and slid to sit against the nearest wall. She was in better shape, but damned if even only an hour of heavy physical activity didn't still drain her. At least she was running again. Not being able to run…that would've been a huge blow.

The door quietly scratched open. Joker's awkward, stiff gait was silhouetted against the sun shining through the doorway. Rather than saying anything, Shepard waved silently. He must have seen her, because he began pseudo-limping in her direction. Cerberus had given him some bone-strengthening boosts, but the disease was just too much to combat properly. At least he didn't need crutches anymore; that was something. A few long heartbeats later, he made it over and carefully sat on the floor next to her.

"So, uh. It's good to see you're gonna be okay. Wasn't sure what to expect, what with Kaidan giving me the evil eye when I showed up." Joker broke the silence with a gesture back to the outside.

It was like walking on thin ice. The slightest wrong word and their careful conversation could come crashing down. It was all she could do to come up with a soft explanation; not defense, but explanation. "He's…protective."

Sarcasm, almost bitter, laced through his voice. "No shit, really? I never would've guessed Kaidan to be the protective type."

At least he hadn't lost his smartass nature. That would be truly concerning. Silence settled between them as she thought. How do you start apologizing to someone for killing the person they loved? Every single option seemed stupid the moment she came up with it. Gathering her courage, she finally just did what she did best: Shepard bulled on through. "Listen, Joker…"

"–No, wait. You listen." He cut her off before she could begin. "I'm…sorry, Shepard. I was upset and I took it out on you."

Hearing Joker apologize to her was too much; especially when it was clear he didn't really mean it. That was not the way to fix a friendship. No, she needed to tell him that she was sorry. She shook her head and sighed. "No, Joker. Jeff. I'm sorry. It was my decision, and you should be mad at me. If it…" She cleared her throat. "If it makes you feel any better, I thought I was going to die, too. Because of all my synthetic implants. That's what the Reaper AI told me."

His green eyes flicked over to look at her; Shepard didn't turn to see, but she could tell he was surprised. She had specifically kept that part out of the report. Her eyes closed as he paused. When he spoke again, it sounded like something had broken. Joker didn't sound upset, but the carefully crafted mask of sarcasm had fallen again. His voice was laced with guilt more than it was with anger, and the reason was clear as soon as he asked his question.

"So…you didn't choose to destroy all AI to keep yourself alive?"

If it wasn't so tragic, Shepard would have laughed. He had spent the whole time, all these months, thinking that she chose to destroy everything to preserve herself? The not-distant-enough memory of lying in that rubble, just waiting for karma to come around and take her life, flashed through her mind. No. No, that was definitely not the case. She pulled up an arm and began tapping away on her omni-tool. "No, I didn't. I made a recording after the Citadel crashed, for when they found my body."

She looked up and Joker frowned softly when their eyes met. "Are you sure you want me to hear that?" Shepard couldn't tell if he was a little unnerved at hearing what she thought were her last words, or if he thought she would be uncomfortable.

"Would it help you?"

He looked away, eyes resting on the cork floor tiles. She let him take his time, carefully setting up the file to play in case he said yes. Although pensive, Joker sounded sure when he finally responded. "No. I guess it wouldn't."

A silent nod was her response, closing the omni-tool with a quick flick of her finger. "Okay." She reached to gently touch his shoulder. "I really am sorry, Jeff. We weren't as close as you two were, but she was still my friend. I miss her, too, and I'd take her place in a heartbeat if I could."

"…I know. Thank you."

A wry snort of laughter wormed its way out of her faster than she could clamp it down. "I don't think you should thank me, though."

The SR-2 hat next to her shook. "No, I should. After Sanctuary, remember that conversation you had with her? About self-preservation?"

That was months ago, during a really stressful time. It took a bit to dig the memory back up, but once it surfaced, it hit her with full force. She could barely muster a whispered, "Yeah."

…Shepard, I am going to modify my self-preservation code now.

Why?

Because the Reapers are repulsive; they are devoted to nothing but self-preservation. I am different. When I think of Jeff, I think of the person who put his life in peril and freed me from a state of servitude. I would risk non-functionality for him, and my core programming should reflect that.

"You know, she told me about that later. Explained that she thought defending me from the Reapers was more important than 'functionality.' I didn't like hearing it, but well…I felt the same way. I tried to argue with her, but have you ever tried to outsmart a hyper advanced AI?"

He clearly baited her for a joking reply, and Shepard obliged; the two of them always did enjoy playing off each other's sarcasm. "No, but other than EDI, I was usually too busy shooting at them to play chess."

Their quiet laugh faded away, the subject not quite letting them kid around yet. Joker cleared his throat. "So tell me something, Shepard. I need to know." Their eyes met once again, somber. "Was it the right call?"

Was it the right call? That was not the question she was expecting to get. She had months to grapple with that very issue, both with herself and others. Garrus had successfully knocked her out of the crippling depression that originally took over her life, but Cortez was the one to finally help her accept the decision. Kaidan, bless his supportive and honest heart, just kept trying to convince her it was the same that he would have done and therefore was the right thing. Cortez pointed out that if the sacrifices were different and Kaidan would have died instead of EDI, she would have made the same call. It was a hard thing to accept, but in the end he was right. Stopping the Reapers was what every single one of them agreed to do, even if it killed them. EDI would have been just as mad with her for refusing to do it as Kaidan would have. What was one life, even the most important to her heart, in comparison to the entire galaxy?

Months of self-reflection gave her confidence she didn't think was there. It was the right call, as much as it pained her to make it. Shepard slowly nodded, never breaking eye contact. "Yes, it was. I'm sorry, but it was. I would've made the same decision even if it had been Kaidan instead."

The brim of his hat rose as eyebrows pushed it up. "Would you?"

"Yes." She took a breath and swallowed the lump rapidly forming in her throat. "I wouldn't be here now if I had to make that call, but yes. I would have."

He nodded and pursed his lips. "Alright. I, uh, should probably go. I'm expecting Kaidan to bust in here at any moment and throw me into the pool."

The thought of that happening pulled a real laugh from Shepard, head tossed back. She could just see Joker bobbing in the therapy pool, whining at Kaidan.

"Maybe we could, uh, hang out sometime. I've got a few ideas I'd like to run by you. You know, if your adoring public will let you get away."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure they can deal while I meet with an old friend. Sure, Joker. And…thanks. For understanding."

A brave shrug was thrown her way after he gently stood up. "Eh, like Jack said that one time: things blow up around you, but you always blow them up for the right reason."

The memory brought a smile to both their faces. She nodded and hobbled to her own feet. "I'll see you around, Joker."

"Later, Shepard."

Kaidan walked in not even a few moments after Joker had left. "Hey, you okay?"

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" She grabbed her duffel bag and slung it over a shoulder.

They leisurely strolled outside together, the winter sun warm on their faces. It hadn't snowed yet, but it was to be expected. The smoke and devastation that the Reapers had inflicted on the atmosphere would take several years to naturally repair, so weather patterns were entirely out of whack. At least temperatures seemed to be appropriate, much to Shepard's dismay. Growing up in Singapore, she wasn't exactly used to cold weather as a kid, and when in the military she only had to deal with it in small bursts. The concepts of constantly needing to wear jackets that weren't lined with ammo or being cold if the windows were left open…they were completely foreign to her. Especially because spaceships didn't have windows, either. The two of them were already disagreeing over where they would live after she was given a clean bill of health. So far it looked like southern Japan or Washington's coasts were the best contenders: cool enough in the summer for Kaidan, but their winters were rarely extreme.

"Well…" Kaidan jabbed his hands into his pockets. "I mean, I heard laughing at one point, but that was probably a pretty tense conversation. Just wanted to check."

She sighed. Kaidan would never change. While his dogged attempts at sheltering her from things he thought would upset her were meant in love, it still grated on her nerves. She had dealt with things far worse than an awkward conversation with their old friend, including being accused of treason by Kaidan himself. She was just fine. "Kaidan, you know I love you."

"…But?" Yep, he knew what was coming.

"But of course I'm fine. Do I look upset to you?"

His head shook sheepishly. "No, you don't. Sorry."

"You know, maybe he could come over tonight and we could clear the air between you two. It's never been the same since all that happened." They never referred to her death, the Normandy's blowing up, or even Mars. Not directly. Years down the line, maybe, but the memories were still too raw.

"Alright." He pulled up his omni-tool, punching in a quick message. At her confused look, he explained. "I'm inviting him, myself. It'll probably be better if I take the first step. Still don't think this is a good idea, though. He might upset you. Joker always talks before thinking, you know that."

"Hey, c'mere." She pulled on his arm, stopping their walk back to the hotel. "I know you're just trying to protect me, but I am a big girl. Penny even says we only have a week or two left anyway, so your last reason for mothering me is coming to a close. I just…want to know that you'll stop at some point. Remember: you're not the only human Spectre." A pause passed between them, his eyes quickly averting from her gaze. She frowned and blinked. "What is it?"

Kaidan cleared his throat and began walking again, softly tugging her along. "I, uh, may have quit being a Spectre a while back."

"…What?"

Why would he do that? They stopped at a corner, waiting for some cars to zip by. The small group of people forming around them as they all waited kept her from pressuring him to tell her now. Public was definitely not the place to chew him out for quitting the Spectres for her…at least, that's why she assumed he'd do something that stupid. On top of that, it probably wasn't even public knowledge, since she would've heard about it from one of the dozens of reporters who ambushed her on a near-daily basis. Best to bide her time.

"Excuse me, are you Commander Shepard?"

Speak of the devil. When they got back to the hotel, he had some explaining to do.

"And then EDI goes, 'I do not believe that is the appropriate way to address a superior, Jack.' I thought she was gonna blow the speaker up with a biotic bomb or somethin'. Whatever you guys call it. BOOM."

For the umpteenth time that night, Shepard fell on the bed, paralyzed with laughter. A hiccup interrupted her roaring giggling, which only made all three of them laugh harder. She could easily imagine Jack trying to warp a speaker if EDI gave her lip like that. Where was she when that happened?

Her eyes drifted across the several empty beer bottles the two men had annihilated; unfortunately she was still restricted from booze. After the initial awkwardness, both Kaidan and Joker had managed to get past their history. It wasn't all after school special-like or anything with tears and hugs, but a few sincere apologies later, they were friends again. All they needed was Garrus and it'd be a perfect night. She was finally without pain again, the universe wasn't coming to an end, and old friends were enjoying each other's company once more. Struck by the moment, she reached to grab the bottle right out of Kaidan's hand.

"Hey! You can't drink yet, what are yo–"

"To Garrus! Wherever you are in space right now, buddy, we're thinkin' of you." Shepard raised the drink before handing it back to Kaidan. Both men nodded and saluted the ceiling before taking a swig. Her small tribute to the one missing member of "Shepard's Boys" done, she curled back up on the bed. A silent, drunk and surprisingly comfortable silence settled over the three of them.

Suddenly Joker tossed his bottle into the nearest waste bin and sighed wearily. "Thanks for askin' me over tonight. Haven't really let go since, ya know. Think I need t' get going before I pass out on the floor and break a leg or somethin'."

"You need a ride? I'm sure there's some transportation out there now." Kaidan had always handled his alcohol surprisingly well, and this was no exception as he popped open his omni-tool to find something.

"Nah, I'm good." Joker activated his own omni-tool – Shepard noticed for the first time that it was green – and began poking at the controls. "One of the perks of disability benefits: if I don't feel like I can get home safely, they send me someone to get me. Being drunk seems to count…at least, they never said 'no, get your drunk ass home yourself'."

She gave a quiet nod at the offhanded reference to his pickled past few weeks before mustering a laugh and pushing to sit up. "Getting some use out of those, finally?"

He smirked at her and carefully stood, hands opting to use the wall for support. "Yeah, well. I figure the Alliance owes me by now, considering how many times I've saved your ass."

"And if there's anyone who should thank you for saving her ass, that'd be me. Much obliged, Joker."

Shepard yelped and barely managed to dodge Kaidan's half-hearted attempt at smacking said behind. "What the…"

Choked off laughter floated her way as Joker began to move over to the door. "And that's my cue to get out of here, before you two start shooting each other or … whatever you Spectres call foreplay."

A facepalm later, she shot up and jogged to help him the rest of the way. While their friend was normally quite capable of walking by himself, he was a bit inebriated and the door was heavy. It was a testament to just how juiced up Joker was when he didn't argue against the help, but instead just leaned on her arm with a quiet murmur. It may have been "thanks," but she wasn't sure.

"Kaidan, if you're done trying to smack my butt, go find my spare crutches."

He nodded and went to go dig through the closet, managing to find them in time to bring them over to the doorway. "Here you go. Alliance issue, so just leave them at one of the offices. Or keep them. Don't think it really matters. I really doubt the Alliance will hunt you down over some crutches."

"Probably not. Thanks, guys." Joker took the pair and smoothly jabbed them under his arms with an ease that only someone who relied on them for years could pull off. "See ya around."

"Later, Joker."

"Goodnight."

The door quietly shut and electronically bolted itself. Shepard looked up to Kaidan and smacked his shoulder. "Seriously?"

He shrugged jauntily before following her to sit on the bed. "What, I can't get a little tipsy?"

"Yes, you can; but you can't run around thwacking me on the rear."

One of Kaidan's eyebrows rose in a half-serious taunt.

"…Not when Joker is around."

Shepard's addition made him laugh and pull her into a hug. "Alright, alright. Sorry."

She shrugged and smooshed against him. "It's fine. Thanks for inviting him. It was good to see you two push past it all."

"Yeah, it was." He leaned against the headboard, fingers running through her hair. God, that felt good. Shepard hoped that getting to talk with Joker, have his acceptance of her choice, was what helped her mood. She was a little more relaxed, even for her. Whenever they were in town, she was paranoid that the two of them would be ambushed by media or fans at any time. To call it annoying was…a drastic understatement. Kaidan had squeezed her hand more than once when they were bombarded, a silent reminder to not punch the nice lady who just shoved a camera in her face.

When Kaidan spoke again, Shepard was broken out of her haze at the sudden sound. She may have even begun to drift off.

"Hey…you trust me, right?"

What a weird question. She blinked at him, brow furrowing. "Of…course I do. Why?"

"I've got a request for you, but you'll have to trust me." Nervousness colored the edges of his voice. Or was that amusement? He sounded almost…sly. Kaidan never sounded sly. He must be more drunk than she thought. What was he up to?

Shepard paused for a moment before nodding. "I do. What's up?"

His hand reached for her shirt, fingers gently pulling her tags out from under it. What did they have to do with anything?

"I need to borrow these for a little while."

Borrow her tags? While that was already a weird request in and of itself, their tags were sort of like promise rings to each other. They had split and swapped their service tags back before the original Normandy was destroyed, as a purely sentimental way of 'claiming' each other. Over three years, one death, a few near deaths, and an invasion later, the two of them still wore those original tags. They weren't married, but it pretty much felt like the equivalent of him asking her to give him her wedding ring. It was unsettling. "…Is everything okay?"

A blank blink and panicked look later, he shook his head. "What? No, no; everything's fine. I just…can't say anymore. Okay? You'll just have to trust me."

She did trust him, but Kaidan was asking a lot of her. As she pulled the chain over her head and handed it to him, she felt a little empty. Naked, even. When you wear something for that long, it becomes part of your identity. "I do trust you. But…be careful."

"Trust me." His smile brightened as he gently unhooked his own set and put both in the palm of his hand. All four pieces of metal were lovingly set on the table next to the bed.

He was being way too cryptic. Shepard didn't like it. It was probably some ridiculously sweet, corny sentimental thing he was planning, but not knowing what was going on grated her nerves when something so precious to her was involved. What could he possibly be planning? Her mind began to move through possibilities, ranging from the boringly obvious like "he's going to get them professionally cleaned" to the absolutely outrageous like "he's planning on combining them into a ultra-robot that will help defend the world so we can go live on a deserted island."

A cool wave of shock suddenly rippled down her body, followed closely by a searing wave of pleasure. When her senses kicked back in, she realized it was because his lips and hands were already everywhere: her neck, arms, breasts, sides. She hadn't seen Kaidan drunk for a long time and forgot…it tended to make him handsy.

Whelp, you wouldn't hear any complaints from her. She spun around and captured his lips with her own, a small part of her greedily and happily tasting the beer on his lips. At least it was a good Canadian lager.

A/N: One more chapter to go! What is Kaidan planning? Or did he just have a drunken moment of whimsy? If real life lets me, I'm hoping to have the last chapter out ASAP - preferably within the week! We shall see what happens. Either way, I want to thank every single one of you who reads; both those who do and do not comment. Seeing the subscriptions and story favorites makes me do little nerdy chair-dances. ^_^

As always, a huge hug to dorothytu for beta'ing.