[A beautiful morning. Fiona stands alone onstage, as a human.]
Morning Person
Fiona
Good morning birds
Good morning trees
Ohh what a lovely day
The sun's so big it hurts my eyes
But really that's ok
A brand new day
with things to do
So many plans to make
I've had 6 cups of coffee
So i'm really wide awake
I've always been a morning person
A morning girl
Hurray
(Bird appears on a branch)
Bird
Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Fiona
(Higher)Hurray
Bird
(Higher)Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Fiona
(Higher)Hurray
Bird
(Higher)Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Fiona
(Higher)Hurray
(Bird explodes. Fiona gets upset, then she sees a deer.)
Fiona
Good morning deer
Say have you heard, today's
My wedding day?
I haven't met my husband yet
But I'm hopeful anyway
Ill wear a gown
Well have a ball
And dance forever more
He'll take me in his massive arms and spin me across the floor
I've always been a morning person
A morning girl (Deer is either thrown off a cliff by Fiona, or runs away.)
Hurray
[A rat scurries across the stage, followed by another and Pied Piper.]
Fiona
(Spoken)
Why, good morning Pied Piper!
Piper
(Spoken)
(Taking offence)Ak, what's so good about it? I can't get these stupid rats to follow me!
Fiona
(Spoken)
Well, I think you may need to change your tune, mister! (Takes his flute)
Piper
(Spoken)
Look here, lady, that's my…
[Fiona plays flute. Dancing Rats enter. Fiona dances with them until music changes to Hard Rock, then she takes outer skirt off and throws it to Piper. Fiona taps with Dancing Rats.]
Fiona
A brand new start, a pallet cleanse
As fresh as lime sorbet
Last night I was a monster
But this morning
This morning
This morning I'm ok
This morning I'm ok
[Piper or some rats, reattach Fiona's outer skirt. Rats & Piper should be gone before the song ends.]
Fiona: (Sees Shrek & Donkey)Oh! Why, good morning men!
Donkey: Morning.
Shrek: Princess, did you by any chance eat some of those funny looking mushrooms by the stream?
Fiona: Of course not! I'm just happy. It's a bright new day, full of fresh promise. And the first thing I'd like to do, is apologize for my behavior yesterday. We obviously got off on the wrong foot. And I would like to make it up to you.
Shrek: You would?
Fiona: Why yes! You did rescue me after all. So, I collected a basket full of berries for the trip, and I made you each, (pulls daisy chains from basket)a daisy chain!
Donkey: Wow, (Fiona puts one on Donkey)these are beautiful! Aren't they beautiful Shrek? (attempts to eat it while Fiona puts one on Shrek)
Shrek: Ew. (Clearly doesn't like it)
Fiona: (To Shrek)You'll grow to love it, I'm sure! Lead the way!
[They start walking. Shrek takes his daisy chain off.]
Shrek: So, tell me, Princess, do you often frolic with rats?
Fiona: And what if I do?
Shrek: Oh, I don't know, Princess, germ invested vermin, not exactly what I had in mind.
Fiona: Well maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them?
Donkey: Ouch.
Fiona: Tell me about my Groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, men of Farquaad's, stature, are in short supply.
[He and Donkey laugh.]
Fiona: (Not getting the joke)Really.
Donkey: Well, you could say, he's a little intimidating.
[The men continue laughing]
Fiona: (Still not getting it)Well, he must be.
Shrek: And yet, very good at small talk.
[They laugh the hardest.]
Fiona: What are you doing?
Shrek: (Laughing)Oh, we're just saying that you might want to lower you're expectations!
Donkey: (Laughing)Yeah, like, three feet or so!
Fiona: Alright, yuck it up! It doesn't bother me, not today! After a life time of misery, things are finally going my way!
Shrek: Yeah, lifetime of misery, right! (Chuckles)
Fiona: You chuckled.
Shrek: Mm?
Fiona: After I said, 'lifetime of misery', you chuckled.
Shrek: Did I?
Fiona: Yes.
Shrek: Look, I'm sure it was very difficult living in a dragon guarded tower your whole life.
Fiona: (Defensibly)It was.
Shrek: (Sarcastically)I'm sure.
Fiona: Alright then. (Begins to walk away.)
Shrek: Although, it must have been nice to have a cozy bed and a roof over your head, which was more than I had when I left home.
Fiona: You're not actually comparing yourself to what I endured!?
Shrek: I'm just saying, you don't exactly corner the market on unhappy childhood.
I think I got you beat
Fiona
(Spoken)
There are things, you don't know, you know. (Music starts) About me, about how rough I had it.
Shrek
(Spoken)
What? You run out of shampoo a couple times?
Fiona
(Spoken)
I mean about my life!
Shrek
(Spoken)
In that cushy tower of yours?
Fiona
(Spoken)
Cushy? Are you kidding?
(Sung)
I had nothing in that tower
Fighting boredom by the hour.
Princess Lonely
Walking circles
I had only...
Bare essentials
Army cot
A hot plate and chamber pot.
And every morning I would boil it.
No choice I had no toilet.
Just a view of devastation
Out one window, isolation
In my bedroom
And very little headroom
Twenty years I sat and waited
I'm very dedicated
On the walls the days were added
Luckily those walls were padded
So...
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
Yeah, yeah yeeeaaahh,
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat.
Shrek:
(spoken)oh you think so. That was a sad story but
(Sung)I've heard better I'm just saying
A for effort thanks for playing
Sad to see a princess suffer
But I had it rougher
Like that time a mob with torchers burned my britches
See the scorches
You're just whiney
I had a flaming hiney
As I fled I had to wonder
If I were torn asunder
Would an ogre go to heaven
Did I mention I was seven?
So...
I think I got you beat. Yeah, yeah, yeah
I think I got you beat.
I think I got you beat.
Fiona:
No warm regards
Shrek:
No Christmas cards
Fiona:
And every day
Shrek:
Was hell on earth day.
Fiona:
(spoken)okay top this.
I missed my prom
Shrek:
My dad and mom sent me away,
It was my birthday.
Fiona:
(spoken)I was sent away on Christmas Eve. (Shrek grumbles)Haha.
(Shrek & Fiona sing at the same time. Donkey keeps Shrek & Fiona apart, and from hurting each other.)
Fiona:
Bare essentials
Army cot
A hot plate and chamber pot.
And every morning I would boil it.
No choice I had no toilet.
Just a view of devastation
Out one window, isolation
In my bedroom
And very little headroom
Twenty years I sat and waited
I'm very dedicated
On the walls the days were added
Luckily those walls were padded
Shrek:
No warm regards
No Christmas cards
And every day was hell on earth day
(Mocking)I missed my prom
(Normal)My dad and mom sent me away
It was my birthday
Fiona: (spoken)
20 years!
Shrek:
(Mocking)I missed my prom
Both:
My dad and mom sent me away
Fiona:
So...
Shrek:
So...
Both:
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
Shrek
Yeah
Fiona
Yeah
Shrek:
Yeah
Fiona:
Yeah
Shrek:
Yeah
Fiona:
Yeah
Shrek:
Yeah
Both:
I think I got you beat, I think I got you beat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I think I got you beat, I think I got you beat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Shrek or Donkey farts]
Shrek
(Spoken)
Oopsy. Ah well, better out than in I always say.
[Fiona farts]
Shrek
Hmmmmmm_ (burps)
Fiona
Hmmmmmm_ (burps)
Shrek
Hmmmmmm_ (burps)
Fiona
Hmmmmmm_ (burps 4 times)
Na na na, na na na na_
Shrek
Na na na, na na na na_
[Shrek & Fiona spend the next 6 measures burping & farting. They fart against each other.]
Both
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Shrek & Fiona walk off, arm in arm. Donkey walks through where Shrek & Fiona burped and farted, and coughs. He covers his nose and mouth as he runs off.]