A few days later at 615 hours on a Sunday morning Winona found herself tapping softly on a 1st Year dorm room door. No need to wake the roommate. She kept at it for a minute when all of a sudden she found herself face to face with her bleary eyed son. He immediately stiffened.
"Cadet", she said.
"Lieutenant". he answered back in shock.
"You're due downstairs in fifteen minutes." she said briskly.
When he scowled and looked backwards toward the clock she added, "That's an order."
She smiled inwardly as she watched him scramble back into his dorm room. She had expected him to protest, or have some snide remark, but he had been caught completely off guard. Maybe he wasn't going to make this difficult after all…
Nope.
Jim wandered down from his room in full uniform. Cadets weren't required to wear them on the weekends, unless attending a function, or on duty. Winona, herself, was in jeans and a light sweater. They were going to look absolutely ridiculous wandering the streets of San Francisco together.
"Nice uniform", she sighed.
"Thank you Lieutenant", he said impassively.
"Red's not really your color though…"
Jim said nothing.
They left the building and started to walk in silence. She had played this game with him before. Whoever spoke first lost.
"Where are we going", he said finally, "Ma'm" he added with a venomous emphasis.
Winona rolled her eyes, "You know, 'Mom' still works. You're not on duty…."
He said nothing.
"We're getting breakfast", she said.
"At 630 hours?" he blurted, "Ma'm."
"I'm not fond of waiting on line."
Winona led her son to the bagel shop she and George had visited 28 years ago. It was still there, and still drew a huge crowd even at this early hour. She noted with pleasure that she still knew her son's order by heart, and watched him tear into an absolutely disgusting concoction of garlic, cream cheese, onions, hot sauce, catsup and a practically raw fried egg.
Finally he relaxed...feeding him was usually the trick to dealing with Jim, "Mom….what are you doing here?' he asked, genuinely curious.
"Tiki statues" Winona sipped her coffee, smiling.
Jim froze, "Who...told you about…"
"Someone who gives a rat's ass about you."
Jim scowled, "Pike."
"It doesn't matter", Winona said, "But they came to me because they're worried. I'm here...putting up with your immaturity, because I am too."
"Jim...what are you doing?"
Jim just shrugged. "I joined Starfleet. I blame Pike. I was drunk and he talked me into it. Technically, it was sort of like enlistment rape...had I been thinking clearly, I would have told him to fuck off. I should have told him to fuck off. I don't belong here…" he finished.
Winona sighed, "No...you don't."
Jim got up to leave… but before he could Winona pulled out the photo of a three year old Jim sitting on her lap. "He does though…" she said.
Jim frowned, "When was this taken?"
"You were three. We lived in San Francisco at the time. I used to take you down to the shipyards to watch them build the ships. You were obsessed. At first I didn't want to take you...I didn't want to encourage you. I hated Starfleet, and I was scared that you would go into space one day and I'd lose you too. But….I've always had a hard time saying no to you.
"You weren't supposed to be born in space. You came a month early. But the second I went into labor with you, and realized you'd be born on a starship, I knew you'd be in Starfleet. How could you not be? I kept thinking you'd be my little space baby.
"When you started showing an aptitude for math and science, I let your teachers push you, knowing I was inadvertently preparing you for a career in Starfleet. It seemed inevitable. You were meant to be a Starship Captain. It's what you were born for. It's everything I feared, and everything I hoped for you. But then...somehow...I lost you. And I'm sorry to say...I was starting to think you'd never find your way back. But you did. And I can already tell it's what you want. But you're throwing it away...so I'm asking you, because I love you...what are you doing?"
Jim put his hands in his hair and looked at the table, "I don't know", he said quietly.
He looked up at her, "I looked up your record."
"How did you get access to….wait" Winona put up her hand, "I don't want to know.'
He just shook his head, then said, "You...you tanked your career."
"Oh…"
"You should be in a commanding role by now", Jim said. "I know you never wanted the Captain's chair, but at the very least a Commander."
Winona shrugged.
"You tanked it because you took the shitty short assignments….and bailed on a couple...You tanked your career because of me and Sam...didn't you?"
"You guys were my priority", she said softly. "You needed a mom. That was my 'assignment'."
Jim frowned, "Starfleet fucked you over!" he said vehemently. "What were you supposed to do? THEY send my father on a mission that KILLS him, spend all this time revering him as some big hero, then they completely abandon the guy's wife and kids."
Jim stood up, "You want to know why I'm fucking this up? Because fuck Starfleet. They didn't care about us...why should I give a damn about them?"
Suddenly it clicked for her. He was still angry, but now he didn't know who to be angry at. She had suspected, for years, he thought she had abandoned him, but when he had gone searching for a confirmation to validate his anger, all he had found was evidence to the contrary, sending him back into a spiral of anger and sadness.
Winona shook her head, "No baby...they didn't...come with me."
Quietly walking through the streets of the city, just now starting to rouse from it's slumber, Winona took her son to the dilapidated apartment building she had once occupied with him.
"When you father died...I did too. I was 29 years old; young, stupid and scared shitless. You see - up until that point, my life had been charmed.. I got perfect grades in high school and college, I was the teacher's pet at the Academy, and I met my own personal Prince Charming at 23.
"By 29, I was married to the love of my life, owned a beautiful little house, was embarking on a promising career, had a wonderful son, and was expecting you. Everything was perfect...then it all fell apart.
"After your father died, Starfleet approached me. They offered me everything - leave, your father's salary, and a guarantee that I would be able to take the 2 of you with me on assignment. This was before the Families Program was suspended, but had I worked through those years...they might have made an exception for us, or tried to accommodate me in some other way. I turned them down though."
"Why?" Jim asked in shock.
"Because I was scared...scared to take you into space, despite the fact that I knew the Kelvin incident was a freak occurrence, and that you guys would be just as safe with me as you would be in Iowa. Safer actually because you wouldn't have access to cars or cliffs" she added ruefully. "I was just too busy wallowing to think rationally. And Jim...I was so angry, so bitter...I wanted to show them how angry I was! There was nothing they could have offered me to make me forgive them."
"Mom...what happened to my father….danger is sort of part of the job…"
"Jim...I was just 7 years older than you are right now. I was an idiot...a child...I HATED them, and I didn't want to accept what happened to George. All I wanted was for him to come back...to wake up in our bedroom and find him next to me, assuring me that everything that had happened was just a nightmare."
Jim grew quiet as she explained to him, for the first time, how she had tried to find work as a civilian. He frowned; he knew her field was particular to Starfleet,and she could tell he didn't understand why she would have thought civilian work was possible. She told him how she blew through their assets, and moved to this apartment. Finally, she told him how he and Sam were almost taken from her.
"That's why I re-enlisted, Jim. I had spent 4 years failing you guys...and you deserved better… you deserved a mother could take care of you. This wasn't Starfleet's fault. It was mine, and I'm so so sorry."
Suddenly she was in her son's arms, her face pressed against his shoulder. It was funny...he had never lost his comfort with physical affection the way Sam had as he grew up. He held her there for over a minute before she realized his breathing was becoming jagged. Staying close she looked up and noticed he'd been crying softly.
Her poor, lost baby boy.
"Shhh…" she said, "It OK."
"No", he said. "It's not… why didn't you tell us?" he demanded suddenly.
She rolled her watering eyes,"I can't think of anything more traumatizing to tell a 4 year old."
"I meant later on."
Winona shrugged, "It was my burden. I didn't want you weighed down. But...please don't blame Starfleet. They did try to help. They really did."
"You know why I got arrested when I was a little kid?" he asked her softly, laughing sadly.
"No…" Winona said.
"When I drove Frank's car off the cliff...you came home. I realized Starfleet sent you home if I went to jail. So...when your assignments ran a little too long…."
"Jim!" she exclaimed, a wave of hysterics, either tears of laughter threatening to overpower her.
"It wasn't the best plan...and you were always so mad. I guess...I started getting defensive. But I knew you'd always get over it.. And I'd rather have you home and mad at me then away on assignment. I guess I pushed you too far one day", he finished sadly.
Winona put her arms back around him and squeezed him tightly, "You will NEVER push me too far" she said. "I still write you, you know…" she said softly.
"I know", Jim said. "I read them...I figured out how to without tripping the read receipts."
Winona spent the rest of the day walking the streets with her son. He explained the Tikki situation more fully than Pike had. Apparently the Professor wasn't well liked, and several members of the Administration found the whole situation to be hilarious. The infamous Christine had told him she was planning on breaking things off with her fiance anyway and was looking for a fling. He never lied to her, or promised to be exclusive, he never told her he loved her. Jim had offered to pay to replace the statues, but the Professor wanted more than what he had in his savings account. Jim offered him half the sum, stating that it was A. all he could afford, and B. more than generous according to a vast number of sources Jim had found appraising the statues. Apparently this was the wrong approach.
Her heart swelled with a joy she had forgotten hanging out with her youngest son. They had always gotten on so well when he was younger, and even when he was a teenager - when he wasn't giving her a headache.
By the time she boarded her shuttle the next day to head back to her ship, Winona felt, for the first time in a long time, that Jim was going to be OK. It was like something clicked - like when Sam had one day decided to grow up. She realized he finally had some sense of closure: for years he had thought she was abandoning him, only to realize, when he came to Starfleet, that she hadn't been. Thankfully he didn't hold her stupidity at 29 over her… that was the wonderful thing about Jim. If could forgive anyone anything if their intention had been good.
He started attending class regularly, and got the Board off his back, though, allegedly, the Professor still had it out for him.
Jim - Coming back to base for 3 days in a week. Will you be around?-Mom
Winona was surprised when she heard he com ping right away. Now that she knew he was reading her messages, she started trying to goad him into responding. Usually he wasn't so quick though.
Yep. It's the weekend of the formal...so I'll have nothing to do - Jim
PING!
That wasn't sarcasm.
She smiled.
You're not going? Don't tell me you couldn't find a date- mom
PING!
Christine and her father are going to be there...I'm lying low. Pretty sure showing up with a date would make things even worse. - Jim
Winona sat back. The situation with the professor was still quite testy. He had filed a formal complaint with Starfleet, but he couldn't technically punish a student for banging his daughter. Sometimes Winona wondered if she had made a mistake when she decided not to dictate the terms of her son's personal life when he was a teenager. At 22 years old he had STILL never had a serious girlfriend, and had never even shown signed of wanting one. She guessed it was better than him developing co-dependency issues, or having the same stupid, unhealthy hang-ups on human sexuality she had when she was his age….but sometimes she thought he was little too much of a slut.
That being said, it annoyed her that her son was going to miss out on this valuable networking opportunity because of some idiot and his daughter. Jim was showing a serious aptitude for tactics, and could potentially be fast-tracked: made an Ensign upon graduation. George had been fast-tracked too, but hadn't technically made the grades...Robau pushed him through. Jim wouldn't need that, but...every little bit helped.
Go stag? she messaged.
Eh…
You're seriously going to pass up a chance to REBUILD your reputation with the administration?
Me + booze + attractive girls will not be a constructive way to do that.
You're being ridiculous.
If you want me to go so badly, why don't you come with me?
Winona actually spat out her coffee when she read the screen. Was he kidding?
You want to go to the formal with your MOTHER? What are your peers going to think?
Jim messaged back, Not caring what people think is technically what got me into this mess…. Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
Nice try. Drinks are free.
Two then. Meet you at 2000.
Winona turned off her screen, dubious of what just happened. She hadn't been to the formal since she she was reinstated. It had been her and George's tradition to go together and recreate their first date. Going without him...it had just seemed too painful at first, but then she just fell out of the habit. She was fine attending with her son...it wasn't that unusual for family members to attend together...it only seemed weird because it was Jim.
Of course, as she soon found out, his plan was brilliant. When she casually mentioned to a colleague that her son had asked her, the woman practically melted with delight. Such a good son, her friends said. Such a wonderful man. Their family was amazing! How could that HEARTLESS Professor even think of trying to get George and Winona Kirk's son expelled.
She couldn't decide if she was impressed or disgusted.
In her formal uniform for the first time in years Winona wandered into the great ballroom where the Academy held their annual formal. It took her only a moment to find Jim.
For just a moment her heart stopped, and she felt herself transported back 28 years. It was like seeing a ghost. Had George, at 24 been standing next to his son, anyone would have sworn they were twins. They had the same hair, eyes, and face, but the moment only lasted for a fraction of a second. Jim found her and gave her the charismatic smile that was all his. He might look like his father, but, on the inside, he was all Jim.
He approached her with a man who looked to be in his late twenties.
"Mom", he said, "This is Bones...Dr. Leonard McCoy...Bones, my mom, Lt. Kirk".
"Nice to meet you Dr. McCoy", Winona held out her hand.
"Pleasure's all mine, Ma'm" McCoy said with just a hint of a Southern drawl. Jim had told her about him. He was brilliant doctor who absolutely detested space. She didn't fail to notice how he held her out stretched hand for just a second too long, and how his eyes very subtly gave her a quick once over. She'd seen this before; young men still looked at her like this, and she could practically see the mental cogs in his head working to determine 1. how old she was, and 2. If it was weird that he was attracted to her. Apparently her son had found a kindred spirit.
"Can I get you a drink?" Jim asked her, looking slightly perturbed by his friend's behavior. He hadn't missed McCoy's glance either.
"Gin martini….twist please", Winona said with a smile and watched Jim drag his friend away.
"Is she ummmm...remarried? No, right?" she heard McCoy ask him when he thought he was out of earshot.
"I better never hear you ask that again…" Jim muttered menacingly.
Winona wandered over to a cocktail table while she waited for the boys to return. It hadn't changed much, the formal; it still had the same bizarre air of prompt, the same group of cadets trying to simultaneously get wasted off of free liquor, but keep their wits well enough about them to network, the same group of stodgy professors and older officers looking slightly out of place among these bright young cadets. She supposed she was one of them now.
"Excuse me...are you...by any chance… Winona Elliott", a voice said behind her.
Winona whipped around to find a tall man with graying chestnut brown hair behind her. He looked sort of familiar….
"Yes….yes I am...though...I haven't been called that for years", she sad, her mind racing to place his face and voice.
"Of course, of course!" he said apologetically, "It's, ummmm me, Alan Berger…"
Winona blinked… Who was Alan Berger? The name rang a bell though….
"I'm sorry….it's um...it's been awhile since I came to one of these", she tried to offer as an excuse.
"No! Don't be sorry...you know what...you probably wouldn't remember me… I was ….I was Zach Folley's roommate our first year at the Academy."
Winona froze. She DID remember him! He was Zach's nerdy roommate. They never really hung out with him...he was always running off to the lab, but she distinctly remembered sexiling him during finals week, resulting in a huge shouting match between her then boyfriend and Alan.
"Oh, my….of course I remember you! I'm sorry...it's just that I haven't seen you since…"
"Graduation", Alan supplied. "I took a post on the outer rim for five years, but the time I made it back to headquarters you were- never mind."
"On leave" Winona quickly supplied. "I took time off while my sons were young…"
Alan nodded looking slightly awkward. Everyone knew why she had taken time, but even now, 22 years later, people still seemed awkward bringing it up. Winona didn't know why anymore.
"I never expected to run into you here", he quickly changed the subject.
"I sort of stopped coming…. I'm only here because my son….well he..."
"Banged Professor Chapel's daughter and broke his Tiki statues?'
She sucked in her breath, "Yeah-that."
Alan grinned.
"How many people know about that?" Winona asked.
"Everyone"
She groaned, "Are you serious?"
"Oh trust me… nothing good ever happens around here. He's the talk of the town!"
"I'll bet."
Alan laughed, "Don't worry...most people think it's funny. That's probably what's contributing to the problem actually. I think Chapel thought he'd get an official reprimand, but….well not one has the heart to do it. Those statues were HIDEOUS. Some of us think Kirk did him a favor."
"Who did I do a favor for?" Jim interrupted, his mother's drink in his hand. "Ah, Prof. Berger…"
"Do you two know each other?" Winona asked.
"I was on the board for his hearing…" Alan said.
Jim grinned sheepishly at his mother, and shrugged.
Alan clapped him on the back "Don't worry about...you're not gonna get expelled. It might go a ways if you'd be willing to apologize though...to the girl I mean. Apparently she's having a really rough time."
"Yeah…" Jim said guiltily, "I didn't realize they were...still together."
"It'll work itself out", Alan said reassuringly. "She's over there if you're interested." Alan pointed to a beautiful brunette girl in the corner of the room.
"Be right back", Jim said an jostled off.
As Alan watched him cross the room he turned to Winona and said, "You know….I thought I was going absolutely insane the first time I saw him on campus. He REALLY looks like-"
"George", Winona finished Alan's sentence, "He does… I'm sorry...did you know George well?"
"Oh dear", Alan said. "Um no...can't say that I did". Winona could tell that he was enormously uncomfortable.
"What?' Winona asked.
Alan took a huge swig of his drink, "Well….let's just say that I took an interest in him when he started going out with you…"
"Huh?"
"I ummmmm, I might have had a huge crush on you when we were in school", he admitted with a wolf like grin. "Of course you were my roommate's girlfriend, so, obviously you were completely off-limits, but….when you broke Zach's heart…"
"I did not!" Winona sputtered, indignant.
Alan peered at her, "Ummm, yes….yes you did."
"That's was dating someone else within a few weeks of our break-up!"
"Re-bound."
"We had nothing in common!"
Alan laughed suddenly, "Well...that certainly explains it!"
Winona frowned, "Explains what?"
Alan shrugged, "Where Kirk gets his 'heartbreaker' gene from. He might look like his father, but he's definitely more like you!"
"I did...I was NOT a heartbreaker!" Winona cried.
"See there it is! You didn't even realize! Half the men of campus were madly in love with you our first year...granted they gave up when you took up residence with Starfleet Academy's very own Adonis, but….DAMN! Zach practically got death threats when you agreed to be his girlfriend."
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!"
"It is?" Alan asked, amused, "I mean...surely by now you've realized you sort of hit the genetic lottery in the looks and brains department, so I'm not gonna waste my time flattering you...but, you had campus by the balls, pardon my French. Everyone wanted a shot with you."
Winona tried to roll her eyes, but was blushing furiously. Of course she knew she was beautiful, she had never thought otherwise, but she had only in the last ten years begun to really cash in on it. She realized then that Jim's personal life really wasn't that different from her own… Ugh - great….she'd grown up to become a 22 year old boy.
"I'm sorry", she said, and meant it. "I never thought Zach was that attached…"
Alan smirked, "He used to make me help him BRAINSTORM date ideas to impress you, you know. Then he'd come back to the dorms in a blind panic that he'd messed something up. I guess he was justified."
Winona sat nothing, still dumbfounded by the knowledge that she had unintentionally inflicted so much pain on Zach. She'd sort of broken up with him on a whim...she just hadn't been feeling it. She THOUGHT he felt the same way, but now she realized he may have just been protecting himself.
"So ummmm, what about you? she asked, desperate to change the subject. "What have you been up to? Did you ever marry?"
Alan smiled. He had. He told her that, once he returned from his five year assignment on the outer rim, he had met and married a school teacher in San Francisco. They had had two daughters, Becky and Fern who were 16 and 14, respectively, and were the light of his life. Unfortunately though...going out on assignment took a tremendous toll on his marriage. Finally, five years ago, he had been granted a permanent post, teaching at the Academy, and moved back in permanently with his family. Living together full time for the first time in over a decade, he and his wife realized what they had failed to living apart: they were no longer in love. They had tried to make a go of it, but decided to divorce three years ago.
"I'm sorry", Winona said, and sincerely mean it.
He just shrugged, "Don't be...I'm not. Josephine and I and a great run, and have two beautiful daughters to show for it. As it turns out, we are significantly better as co-parents and friends than we ever were as a couple. I think the distance kept us from realizing that. She actually re-married last summer."
"I'm sorry, I've been talking your head off!" Alan said suddenly.
"Oh it's alright!"
"Prof. Berger!" a student called across the room suddenly, "Can we get a picture?"
Alan turned to her. "Go", she said with a smile, before he could apologize. "It was wonderful seeing you again!"
He raised his glass to her with a smile and wandered away.
"Do you know him?" a voice said behind her. Winona whipped around to see that her son had been watching her.
"Not well."
"You were talking to him for a while."
"I didn't realize that wasn't allowed", she teased him.
Jim shrugged, "How do you know him?"
Winona took a sip of her drink, "I made him fail a final by sexiling him from his dorm when I was a first year dating his roommate… he's warned me he's still seeking revenge."
Jim made a face, "Gross, Mom."
"You asked."
"Why do you NEVER pass up an opportunity to torture me?"
Winona laughed and ruffled his hair, "Because you're so cute when you're flustered."
"I'm gonna get you back", Jim warned her.
"Sure."
The next morning Winona and Jim set out for her favorite bagel shop - at 11AM. In her third year, when George was away, she realized another way to avoid at least most of the line was to go late. George never accepted that - he liked to start his day as early as possible, but she preferred to sleep in. So did Jim.
Their table was almost ready when she saw Alan and two teenage girls wander in. They made a face and started whining to their dad when they saw a line.
"It's your friend", Jim said suddenly.
"Oh...I-"
"Professor Berger!" Jim called him.
"What are you doing?" Winona hissed
He shrugged innocently.
Alan walked over, "Kirk, Lt. Kirk", he nodded at Winona, "May I introduce my daughters...Becky and Fern".
Both girls mumbled hello, the oldest turning bright red looking at Jim. Alan caught her expression, and gave Jim a wary look.
"Quite a line", Alan said.
"Yeah...only way to avoid it is to get here at dawn…." Why was she being so awkward?
"Yeah ummm…"
"Dad", the younger girl, Fern, interrupted, "I have to work on my science project."
"No you don't", Becky snapped at her younger sister, eyes still locked on Jim.
"Yes I do…"
"Dad can just do it...right,Dad?"
Alan frowned, "I…"
"Don't you WANT to stay for breakfast?" his daughter said to him, her eyes flickering for a fraction of a second toward Winona.
Winona felt her heart quicken...was this some sort of conspiracy?
"Maybe I can help", Jim offered with a charming smile.
Alan frowned, "You don't have to-"
"It's my pleasure, Professor...I think I owe you a favor anyways…." Jim turned back to Fern, "I used to win the science fair every year when I was in high school...do you want me to take a look?"
"YES!" Becky shrieked.
"It's not your project", Fern began.
"Why don't you take my spot at the table, Professor…. we'll get food to go. Does that work with you guys?" he asked the girls.
"Oh my god, that's such a good idea!" Becky practically shouted.
"OK", Fern shrugged.
Helpless, Alan looked over at Winona and shrugged. He pulled out his wallet and handed his card to the girls.
While his back was turned, Winona slapped her son on the wrist, "What exactly are you doing?" she asked.
"Winging for you", he replied as if it were obvious.
"What?!" she sputtered.
"He's pretty cool… after last night, I'm pretty sure he has a crush on you, and he really thinks highly of you."
"How could you possibly know that?" Winona snapped.
"He's the only professor on campus who refers to me as Winona Eliott's son, and not George Kirk's."
Winona blinked, "Well, technically you are BOTH-"
"No", Jim said. "I'm YOUR son."
Winona was pleasantly surprised by how much she enjoyed breakfast. She did, however, have to spend a good ten minutes reassuring Alan that his oldest was in fact safe with Jim.
"It's not him, I'm worried about...it's her…." Alan grimaced. "She just asked her mom if she could go on birth control…."
"Uh oh", Winona said with a laugh. "How are you handling that?"
"Not well! As you can see…"
"Well...at least she's being responsible…"
Alan took a swig of coffee, "I just don't understand why she NEEDS a boyfriend. I remember what a doofus I was at 16. She doesn't need that in her life!"
"So what's a good age for a woman to start dating then?"
"I don't know….how old are you right now?"
"You're not supposed to ask that!"
"My apologies…." he said with a twinkle in his eye. "You know...you might have lucked out with just boys…"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Have you met my youngest?"
"Touche Madam!"
Laughing Alan lingered over his coffee; he looked like he was trying to decide something.
"Winona….next time you're back at the Academy...would you like to have dinner with me?" he asked her. "It could just be as friends...but, I like spending time with you."
She hesitated. She was asked out quite frequently, by never by someone she felt such a genuine chemistry with. Not for a very very long time. What the hell? "Smiling she said, "Sure."
Winona laughed out loud when Alan finally managed to get the door open to his townhouse. It was a mess! Not a disgusting mess, but he had papers EVERYWHERE!
"Sorry", he said sheepishly, "You caught me during finals…"
"How do you grade in this… chaos?" she asked.
"Hey hey hey...whoa! This is NOT chaos. There is a VERY very distinct system of organization here!"
"Oh really?"
"Yes really!"
Alan, trying to regain his footing said, "See -if I think they're gonna fail, I throw their papers on the armchair. If I think they're average, the table-"
"What about your star pupils?"
"Well….they get a place of HONOR over on the coffee table."
Winona looked down at the hoard of papers and found Jim's name on one of them. His paper had a huge coffee stain on it though….
Laughing she picked it up, "Interesting grading method", she said indicating the stain.
"Bigger the stain, the better the grade! They all know that!"
Giggling Winona sat down on the couch, the only clear surface in the living room. As he went to grab her a drink from his bar, she looked around. It was actually quite interesting; he seemed at have odd bits of art and artifacts from all over the Federation, but it was horrendously decorated. While he seemed to have good taste in what furniture and decor to buy, he clearly had no idea what to do with it when it made it into his house.
Their dinner date had gone swimmingly. It was more fun than Winona could remember in a long time. Alan was incredibly easy-going, funny, and charming. He was also incredibly smart. He was a tactical statistics professor for second and third years, though he did accept some first years if their math scores were high enough. Winona remembered the class well. Though she had never actually taken it, she had often helped George with the coursework while they were dating. She found the subject fascinating, but couldn't fit it into her schedule.
Alan sat down next to her and handed her a martini, "Sorry", he said again, "I know I'm being my stereotype here", he gestured to the mess of academia, "but I guess I didn't expect dinner to go so well."
"Oh it's going well, is it?" she bantered.
"I think so…"
Winona set her drink down on the paper covered coffee table, "Do you now?"
Alan put his drink down to and slide closer to her on the couch. She felt her heart quicken unexpectedly, knowing what he was going to do. Slowly, almost questioningly, but deliberately, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. They locked eyes for just a moment, then he kissed her.
Winona felt something like a happy ball well up inside her. It was gentle sweet kiss, but skilled. He deepened it slowly, as though he had the whole of the night to do nothing but kiss her. He kept going, sliding his lips over hers, his hand stroking her back.
As his kiss lingered, Winona wondered if he was going to try to sleep with her. She wouldn't mind. She knew from experience that skilled kissers were usually skilled in other areas, and she hadn't slept with anyone in a few months. Sure...why not? she thought when he broke the kiss and suddenly stood up.
She stood too, planning on following him to wherever in the house his bedroom was, hoping that he didn't grade in there too, but was surprised when he hit a switch on his panel, and soft, slow music started to play.
"Dance with me", he said, taking her in his arms.
Confused Winona obliged and slowly started swaying in a circle with him to the music, wondering where he was going with this.
"I want to see you again", he whispered in her ear.
"OK...next time I'm back", she said softly.
He kept dancing with her, and looked down at her face. Brushing the hair to the side he said, "I really like you."
Winona groaned. The night had been so perfect until he said those words. She pulled away, leaving a confused Alan in her wake.
"I'm sorry, have I said something wrong?" he asked her.
Winona ran a frustrated hand through her hair and started looking around for her jacket. "I just have to go", she said.
"Why? Because I said I like you?"
She closed her eyes, "Everything had been going so well too", she muttered.
"Winona", Alan grabbed her arm, "What?"
Straightening up she met his eye and in an almost rehearsed tone she said, "I'm sorry Alan. I don't do serious relationships...not anymore. I do like spending time with you… but I don't want you getting attached. I don't want to hurt you."
"What are you talking about, Winona? I'm not asking you to marry me-"
"I'm never marrying again", she said curtly.
"So what was this then? What was tonight? Why did you accept my date if-"
Winona sighed, "I just...I still date. I go out. But I keep things casual. I'm sorry, I really don't like to lead people on. I'm too old for playing games, and it's not fair. Alan", she said softly, "I really did have a wonderful night. So wonderful I was actually willing to continue it", she added ruefully noticing a surprised smile when she said it, "but I'm not open to letting things get serious. I'm just….I'm done with that part of my life."
Alan sighed and picked his drink back up, "You know", he said, "if you're not interested, it's OK. I'm not a lovesick 23 years old boy anymore. And I know you're not who you were back at the Academy. I just...well...I had a really good time tonight too."
Winona smiled and took his free hand, "Then let's continue", she said seductively.
Alan sucked in his breath. She could tell he wanted her; it was written all over his face and into his body language. He'd be crazy not to. She had a body that would make most women in their thirties jealous. An unexpected advantage of having her babies in her twenties was that her body bounced right back. Then, having been in Starfleet on active assignment for the last 18 years….
"Wait", Alan said suddenly.
"What?"
"I'm...oh god...I can just hear myself at 23 berating me for doing this but...I'm not going to sleep with you Winona."
She paused, "Why not?" she asked, genuinely confused.
Alan, put his drink down and clasped her hand in both of his. "You know how you said you were done with 'that' part of your life...well...I'm not. I don't know what the circumstances of your divorce were, and I know from friends that, as far as they go, I got off pretty easy, but are you really done? Done with affection, and companionship, and romance? Are you done with love?"
Winona blinked, and turned away, "I got six wonderful years of love….and two beautiful boys…. I had what some will never have in a lifetime."
Alan swallowed, "So you're still not over it...after all this time-"
"No." Winona said suddenly, "I'm not an idiot. George has been gone for 22 years, and I'll admit it...I held on a lot longer than I should have. Alot longer than was probably healthy. But now...when I think about him all I feel is happiness. I'm happy I married him. I'm happy I had him in my life...and I'm happy I had his sons. I don't….miss him anymore though." She paused. She had never said that out loud before; never realized it was true. In the years since divorcing Frank she had slowly but surely let George fade from his impenetrable place in her heart. She still sometimes looked at photos of them, but it was more in a nostalgic way. It had been years since she'd last slept with someone and thought about him…
Alan pulled her down on the couch, "Then what is it?"
"That's a very personal question…" she trailed off softly.
"You don't have to answer me, if you don't want to. It's just… you're so bright and lively...and I see how much you love your son. It seems out of place for you to never wan-"
"Frank", she said quickly, "my ex-husband."
Alan's brow furrowed, "He didn't...mistreat you?...I can assure you, not all men are lik-"
"Why do you assume it was his fault?" Winona asked softly.
Taking a sip of her drink she told him everything. Why was anyone's guess. She just wanted to make him understand why she didn't date. She didn't look at him as when told him how she'd married him on a whim, basically to have a babysitter for her kids. How she told him she wanted to have his child, and how she had lied.
"I was so messed up back then….I didn't even realize it", she said trying to explain herself. "I was convinced I was living the wrong life...like something that wasn't supposed to happen, did. I didn't love Frank...I'm not even sure if I liked him. I just liked what he was offering, and I took it without thinking about how unfair I was being. I'm just… I don't date because I never want to do that to anyone...ever again."
When she finally got the courage to look at Alan, she was almost afraid. The only person she had ever told the real reason for her divorce had been her late mother, who had been horrified. Alan loved being a father….and would have been equally devastated had she pulled the same disgusting trick on him.
"Maybe I should go."
"No" Alan said. He looked up at her, questioning, as if he were trying to see past her hazel eyes into her very soul. "I'm glad you told me", he said.
She could only nod.
"Winona...I still like you", he said, quietly.
"How could you possibly like me after this monstrous thing I've told you?"
"Because I know you're sorry...and I know you would take it back if you could."
She laughed sadly, "You can't take back something like that."
"No", Alan said, "you can't…"
She stood up. "I'm gonna go. It's getting late, and I should really get some work done tomorrow morning."
Alan stood to and grabbed her jacket, but before he handed it he said, "Next time you're back...can we try this again?"
She frowned, but let her heart skip in spite of itself, "Try what?"
"I want to take you out. I want to get to know you. I know you said you're not open to anything serious but...well, I like you enough to take what I can get...on your terms. If you're brave enough to tell me the truth, then I can be brave enough to risk that, even if everything goes well, you won't change your mind. But I want you to be open to the fact that you might."
"Alan-"
"Just...think about it. I know you've made some mistakes...but isn't it worth it to know that I know about them, and am still interested?"
She couldn't argue there. "I don't want to hurt you-"
"I'm 51 years old!" he said, "I don't need you to protect me. How about this….go on your next assignment. If you're interested in seeing where this could go...give me a call. If not...well, I won't get my hopes up."
Winona bit her lip. She didn't know exactly how to say "I'm not going to call you", so instead she just shrugged and said, "OK".
One month into her assignment Winona cracked.
She had come back to her quarters after a long shift, and had, almost absent-mindedly started thumbing through old photos on her PADD. She paused at the first photo ever taken of her and George together, at the Starfleet formal. They looked so YOUNG! She was slightly red faced, and he was beaming. She wondered what he would have thought, had someone told him that night, that he would marry her, father her two sons, then leave her a widow at 29, just six years after they met.
She was no longer the woman in the photograph. As Alan had realized, she was someone else entirely. She wondered what George would think of her now….
She kept going back. She stumbled across a photo of her and her then-best friend Eliza - the woman who was by her side when she gave birth to Sam, who had, several times tried to pull her out of her four year funk, who had welcomed her back with open arms after four years of being pushed away, and who now lived on the outer rim.
She went further back, into her photos from her first year, and found a picture of herself kissing a black-haired boy named Zach Folley - whose heart she had allegedly broken. In the background, barely visible, was a somewhat sullen looking young man with bright chestnut brown hair - Alan. She had never noticed it before, but laughed now when she realized he must have been jealous. He had always practically run from the room whenever she and Zach got too mushy.
Without stopping to think too hard she forwarded the photo to Alan, with the caption. "Our first photo."