Rating: M
Pairings: John Sheppard/Carson Beckett (BeckShep) slash - yes, again, it is slash, if you don't like it, don't read it. You have been warned.
Spoilers: None that are coming to mind...
Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape, or form own the characters, concepts, or anything else related to Stargate: Atlantis that may be copyrighted or otherwise previously owned. Those belong to Gekko and MGM and all those other people who actually make money from it.
A/N: Not much to say except that this is shaping up to be an exceptionally busy week, so updates may be slightly delayed. Hopefully I will be able to get them out in time. :) Thanks as always for the reviews, and please feel free to tell me what you think of the story so far.
Over the next couple of days John finished majority of his physical therapy and was cleared back to light duty post clearing both the standard physical and an abbreviated psych evaluation. Abbreviated because one of the first things he did was explain that he had already written out an explanation of the source of the nightmares and so forth, so it wasn't really an issue now. Dr. Heightmeyer accepted this, simply reminding him that he had two days before she wanted to see the notebook, as per the original plan. Other than that, he was free to resume life as normal as far as she was concerned.
Now comes the fun part, John thought as he was leaving Dr. Heightmeyer's office. Now I have to figure out how to explain all this to my team without completely losing what command I have over them. Tenuous enough as it is, considering two of them are technically representatives of our alien allies, and McKay is civilian, as he's fond of reminding me. This situation had alternately amused and frustrated John for a while now, the fact that he really had no chain of command given authority over his team. It worked because they let it work, not because he could really force the issue. Though I'd love to see someone actually try to order Ronon to do anything he didn't want to do. I just don't see that ending well. Shaking his head to bring himself back to the actual matter at hand, he decided to go with the first plan that had come to mind once he'd acknowledged that he did have to tell them something by way of an explanation. Carson was right, as usual, they were just worried about him and he owed them something after what they had been subjected to listening to.
About an hour later John had the rest of his team gathered out on a balcony, not the one attached to his quarters, but his favorite one, higher up the central tower. You could just about see the entire city from there, which was why he liked it.
Taking a quick check to make sure they were all there- he was stalling again, it wasn't hard to check for three people- he took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was sure was going to be an interesting meeting. "So, you're probably wondering why I dragged you all out here, away from whatever it was you were doing." When did I start opening meetings almost McKay style? Need to watch that, John thought, realizing it was really just his nerves getting to him. Without waiting for a response, he continued, "That's actually kinda simple. For the moment, I need you all to read this." This got confused looks from Teyla and Ronon and the beginnings of a protest from McKay. John held up a hand, cutting off any comments. "For, oh, a few weeks now, you all have known, or should have known, that some kind of explanation would be forthcoming about the nightmares and such awhile back. For reasons I'm not going to explain right now, I chose to write out the explanation, rather than rely on being able to explain it in person. I suck at that kind of thing, you all know that, this really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I know, it's kind of an odd request, but for the moment just…humor me, okay? It'll make more sense after you look at it, why I would rather do it this way. I'm not expecting there not to be any more questions about what happened and so forth, and I'll deal with those later. Promise. Alright?" John knew he was just short of begging here, but if they wanted an explanation, this was the way it was going to have to be.
"That is fine, John. However you would rather handle this," Teyla said at last, answering for all of them.
"Alright then. Cool," John answered, reminding himself to breathe and handing them each copy of what amounted to a type-written story. What it was was a heavily edited version of what Carson had read and that Heightmeyer would read in another day or two. Mostly just editing out the parts that had been almost entirely directed at Carson, on the idea that his team really didn't need to know those parts just now; what they had was enough to give them the story of what had happened.
While the rest of the team was reading John returned to staring out over the city, wondering at the changes in himself since he'd come to Atlantis, that he would even consider doing something like this. It still wasn't easy, but doing it this way was easier than trying to verbally explain the entire story without breaking down. It was, he figured, roughly the same thing, doing it this way. It was still telling the story in his own words, since he'd been the one to write it, but it saved them all the awkwardness of his not being able to find the words for what he wanted to say on the spot. While editing what he had given his teammates, John had also decided not to edit for the references to otherwise being required to keep a journal. If they wanted to ask about it, at this point he was okay with that. Or just too tired to argue right now, he couldn't quite decide which.
The others finished reading at about the same time, almost 15 minutes later, which for reading an almost six page long account like that, was actually making pretty good time. John hadn't actually been watching them, but figured they had all finished up when he stopped hearing pages rustling behind him. The awkward silence stretched on for several minutes before John finally looked around at the team who had become his family and said simply, "Any further questions?"
There was silence for another moment or two before McKay, never one to be silenced for very long, asked, "You're keeping a journal, Sheppard? Since when?"
John couldn't help but laugh at that, of all the possible questions to come from this, Rodney decided to start with that one. "Yes, and for either about a week or close on a month, depending on how you want to look at it. I started a few days before this most recent infirmary stay, and got interrupted for several weeks by being unconscious and stuff. And before you ask, yes, it is required. You really think I would keep a journal if I didn't have to?"
"No, that's why I was asking about it," Rodney answered, rolling his eyes and making it clear he thought John should have known that already, making John laugh harder.
Ronon was staying quiet, as was usual for the former Runner, just taking in the antics of his teammates. Teyla listened to John and Rodney banter for a bit, simply glad to hear John laugh again. If it was still slightly hysterical sounding, she wasn't going to be the one to point it out. Once the general antics had settled down somewhat, Teyla moved across the balcony to where John was standing, resting her hands on his shoulders and bowing her head slightly. After a second, John echoed her movements, touching his forehead to hers in the traditional Athosian almost ritual sequence that seemed to cover greeting, farewell, apology, acceptance, and respect all in one. It had always amazed John how multi-purpose it was. After a moment Teyla looked back up at her friend and teammate. "Thank you for telling us this, John." She started to say more and thought better of it, leaving it at that.
John shrugged. "I owed you all, if not an apology, per se, for the nightmares and general ranting, than an explanation at least. Cheap, perhaps, to do it in writing like this, but…," he trailed off for a moment, gathering his thoughts before continuing, "oh, and this is going to sound even stranger, but can I have those back?" he drawled in as close to nonchalant manner as he could, indicating the copies he had given them. "Call it paranoid, but I'd rather hang on to them, if you don't mind."
"Reasonable. Here," Ronon said, handing the papers back to John.
"Short on words as ever, Chewie. You okay with all this?" John was honestly curious about the Runner's answer.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Not going to change anything, is it?" Ronon asked simply.
"No, no it won't change anything. Whatever effect it was going to have, it already has. Only difference is now you all have at least a partial explanation for some of the things I've always done," John answered after a moment.
"Okay then. What's the problem?" Ronon stated more than asked.
"No problem, just curious," John replied falling back into his usual easy grin. "Well, that was a lot shorter than I expected it to be. I was planning on leaving for lunch after this, but it's a little early for that. Ideas?"
"If you're quite done, I need to get back to my lab before one of the idiots finds a new way to blow us all to hell," Rodney snarked, likewise retreating to a more comfortable routine.
John chuckled. "You do that McKay. Heaven forbid you're away from the lab for more than an hour at a time," he answered, voice not quite dripping with sarcasm.
Teyla shook her head, rolling her eyes at the continued antics of all of the men. Leave it to the males of the species to allow the situation to devolve to snarking and sniping at each other. Though there was something to be said for the normalcy of it. "How about some exercise before lunch? Not sparring, you have not been cleared for that yet John," she qualified quickly before John could protest.
John sighed. "Fine, no sparring yet, but exercise sounds good. I've been cooped up for too long recently. I need to start getting back into the swing of things, the sooner the better. Ronon?"
The former Runner shook his head. "Promised Keller I'd help move some of the crates from the last supply shipment this morning."
"'kay. Have fun with that," John said with a shrug.
With that, the team dispersed to their various destinations. It seemed to John that all at once nothing had changed and everything had. Hopefully, the change would turn out to be for the better.