Superman
Summary: Santana and Brittany are happily married and have a beautiful three year old daughter together, only problem is, Santana has been deployed in the Middle East. With both women struggling to keep their emotions in tact, will the struggle become too much for both of them or will they make it through the hardships, in time for Santana to come home; whenever that is.
Disclaimer: Do not own show, story idea, or characters. Just the writing.
Quick note: Read the Author's Note at the end. It's IMPORTANT! Enjoy this chapter (:
Chapter 10
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," She stated instantly seeing Santana, standing right in front of her. Alex didn't know what to feel at this point. Anger. Hate. She wanted to beat the shit out of her friend. Yes she still considered Santana her friend, but she just didn't like her at in this moment.
"What are you doing here?" She hissed, as Santana walked closer to her making Santana give her a hard look before sighing. She shook her head of the thoughts that were still harboring her brain.
She opened her arms and scaled them up and down her body, to give Alex a signal to pay attention. Alex noticed; she noticed that Santana was standing there and not in her uniform, but in street clothes. Her face softened as she took deep notice while staring at her friend.
"I'm here to see you off. You're right, I need help," Santana told her, before making her way over to a nearby bench as Alex followed in suit, sitting down next to her. "I got into a fight with Brittany. She knew about everything and she begged me to stay, but I wasn't having it, but even before she left and told me I would lose everything I had; that her and Maya wouldn't be here when I returned, I still continued to pack," she explained as tears slowly welled up on the brim of her eyes. Alex sat there looking at her intensely, knowing this was hard for her to say, but she needed to be there for her.
"Then I thought about what I was feeling before she left. Brittany sat down on my duffle to prevent me from packing. I felt…I felt so much rage towards her that I wanted to punch her. I wanted to punch my wife and I've never felt that way towards her in the years I've known her," she explained as the tears spilled over the brim, not being able to balance on them any longer. Alex wrapped her arm around her shoulder comfortingly, letting out a content sigh.
"But you didn't right?" Alex asked in a mere whisper only loud enough for Santana to hear. Santana choked on a sob, but shook her head.
"No, but I almost did. I balled up my hand in a fist and it was so quick; so instant. I quickly swerved it to the wall. I placed a hole in our bedroom wall, I mean I could only imagine what I would've done to her face," she commented, now bawling uncontrollably. "I had that constant image in my head of her with a black eye or blood coming from her nose or forehead, I just couldn't handle it," she stopped for a moment to control herself. "I don't want to lose everything I have. I tried so hard to get where I am with Brittany. We have a daughter, something I always wanted and we're married, something I've always wanted. If I throw all of that way, that'd be almost ridiculous. There should be no contest on what's more important to me in my life. The fact is my family is the most important thing to me; I just lost my way for a moment," she sniffled, wiping her tears away as they fell.
"Well you found your way back, so welcome back Lopez," Alex said, giving her a slight shake, making Santana smile a little. "You'll get better at being able to control your flashbacks or memories. Give it time and please stick with this. Just keep in mind that you'll be doing it for your family's future, I mean haven't you always wanted something else in your future?" Alex encouraged, making Santana nod instantly. "What's that?" She asked curiously. She didn't have much time left before she had to depart to her gate, but she really wanted to finish talking to Santana.
Santana laughed slightly. "Give Maya a little brother or sister," she replied softly, making Alex's eyes widen in aw, but smile brightly.
"You won't be able to do that if you're not in the right state of mind, so stick with it," she clarified, making Santana nod in agreement. Alex got up with Santana and wrapped her arms around her for a tight embrace. "Write me and I'll write back," she promises her softly as Santana agrees, pulling away giving her smile.
"Kick ass out there," Santana states, making Alex laugh.
"Pft don't I always?" She replies being cocky for a moment, making Santana laugh, but nevertheless agree. Alex was probably one of the most hardworking soldiers she's ever met and had the privilege of fighting along side with.
"Goodbye Lopez," Alex said, hugging her one more time as Santana happily returned it.
"Goodbye Ramirez," she said, with a content smile and sigh, then pulled away, patting her shoulders. They begin walking away after saying goodbye, before Santana turns around spotting Alex about to go through the automatic doors.
"Hey Alex!" She yells in her direction, causing her to stop and look in Santana's direction. "It's not goodbye. It's see you later," she tells her with a smile, making Alex return it, nodding slowly.
"See you later then," she calls back, before giving her one last smile, then walking back into the terminal.
Sx
Bx
Santana walked through the car garage of the airport, deep in thought. She knew she was doing the right thing and wasn't second guessing her choice, but she couldn't stop thinking about what if she did make the wrong decision. What would have happened had she gone back to Baghdad? Would she have been captured again? Would she have made it? Or what if she was shot? She had all these grim images in her mind and she needed to disregard them.
She got into the car and pulled her phone out and began sending a text, with an address in tact in it, before starting her car and driving to the destination. She text Brittany, hoping she'd meet her at the place as quickly as possible. The place was relatively far, but this is what she needed to do. She was absolutely exhausted, not being able to sleep at all last night, so she ended up staying up until the wee hours of the morning getting everything sorted and situated, so she could do what she had to do.
She drove about an hour and half to get to her destination in Dayton. She picked a place as close as possible to Lima, even if it wasn't close enough for her liking, but she'd have to accept the fact that, she won't be seeing her wife or her daughter that often, but at least she won't be dodging bullets.
She pulled into the parking lot of the institution and looked up at it, then spotted a bench outside, where she saw a mound of blonde hair, immediately walking over towards the owner of it. She walked closer, noticing it was Brittany, then she stopped and took a deep breath. She didn't know how to face her after everything she's done, but she could tell it was obvious that Brittany wanted to be here, otherwise she wouldn't have come.
She nodded as if she just talked herself into something then walked in front of Brittany. She looked down for a moment, then back up at the blonde; blue meeting brown. They stayed silent before Brittany got up and placed her hands on both sides of her cheeks and kissed her deeply. It was soft and gentle, but Santana didn't kiss back probably over the mere shock that Brittany even ignited a kiss, before pulling away.
"What was that for?" Santana asked unsure, rubbing the back of her neck. She was horrible to her; her whole family. She just didn't think she deserved a kiss from her. Although she did enjoy it a great deal.
"You didn't leave," she whispered to her, giving her a small smile which Santana returned before they both sat down. "So why did you ask me to drive all the way to Dayton?" She asked her softly, which Santana put her hand up and turned to face her.
"I'll tell you in a minute, but I need to say a few things first," Santana tells her, taking another deep breath and letting it out uneasily as Brittany nodded. She grabbed Brittany's hand, who willingly allows her to take it, knowing she probably needed the support.
"First, I am so sorry I've been so out of it I guess is the nicest way to say it. I've been a bitch to you and Maya. I've been a horrible mother and wife these past few months and when you gave me that choice between my family and my duty, I continued to pack. I went into the bathroom to cut, which I know you know I have, but I couldn't do it," She begins to elaborate on her problems, looking at Brittany the whole time. Her face was clearly showing an uncomfortable sadness. She felt terrible that Santana felt like she had to bottle up her emotions, but she understood why she did it, she just doesn't think her reasoning was good enough.
"I couldn't do it, but I racked my brain deciding if I should go or not, then I went back into the room and continued to pack. After everything was packed I stood there and just looked at the hole in the wall. My mind went back to thinking of how I felt when you sat on my duffle," she continued, tearing up again. She wasn't sure how many times she was going to cry today, but she was making a point that she needed to do this; she had to tell her everything.
"I thought about how much rage I was feeling towards you for not letting me go and how badly I wanted to…punch you," she said choking the last part out, causing Brittany to wince a little, but not letting her hand be removed from Santana's. The fact is, she was shocked and slightly terrified that she even thought of something like that, but it eased her remembering how she didn't. Maybe Brittany was being too forgiving about this whole thing, but she couldn't help but think about how wrong it would be not to be there for her. She didn't go and get on that plane it had to count for something, right?
"That was my breaking point. When I thought about physically harming you; it was one step closer to harming Maya and I couldn't…I couldn't do that," she finished, shaking her head in the process, before licking her bottom lip. She felt almost defeated, like those men won. They wanted to break her and they did; no they dismantled her and she didn't know how to get put back together.
"I think you should've realized when you started harming yourself. Breaking your window…cutting; why would you harm yourself, but refuse to hurt me?" Brittany asked just to hear her answer. She knew about her personal demons and she could clearly tell they were breaking her, but what would possess her to want to harm herself even more than she's already been harmed?
"I always refused to ever lay a hand on you and to hurt myself was the easiest way to deal with things. It made me feel good, like it was releasing every bad memory I had within me, until it healed. All good things must come to an end," Santana replied as Brittany turned her arm over, finally seeing the scars. She guided her fingertips over the wounds as Santana watched her do so. She needed this. She needed her wife to see the pain. She didn't realize how much she truly needed it out in the open; just to have someone hear and understand it all.
Brittany looked up finally and gave her a sympathetic look, before turning her attention to the building in front of them. "So what's this place?" She points to the structure. It looked like a cross between a library and a hospital; definitely a lot nicer than Santana anticipated. She expected it to look more like a prison, so she was thankful that she was wrong.
She sighed before facing Brittany again then blinked a few times. "It's a rehabilitation center. Alex suggested I'd go before I told you that I was being sent back. She assumed I was dealing with issues and hiding them; I never told her. So I found this one. It's close enough to Lima incase you would like to visit and I called them already telling them I was checking in today. They have a part of it dedicated to veterans dealing with, I guess what is "post traumatic stress disorder"; assuming that's what I have," she explains, glancing between the building and her wife, who was trying to process all the information.
"So you're leaving again?" Brittany asked sadly, looking down at their hands, then pulling hers out of Santana's grasp, only to have Santana pull it back. Brittany felt the tears starting to fall from her eyes; they fell before she could even stop them.
"No," she simply answers in a mere whisper, stroking her thumb across the blonde's cheek, catching a loose tear. "Don't think of it as leaving. Think of it as, a new start; a new beginning. I need to get better, I mean I've come to the realization that I'm not all there right now and I can't move forward with you and Maya, if I don't get the help I need," she explains as Brittany's tears continue to fall. Santana didn't like the fact that Brittany was getting upset. She could understand why she would be. She technically is leaving, but for a good reason; it's not like its all the way in a different country. She is still in Ohio and only about an hour and half away. She's expecting to get some therapy to deal with her issues in a healthy manner, then leave in like a month; she expects anyway.
Brittany nodded, nevertheless she knew in her heart Santana was right. Getting help with her issues was necessary. "When would I be able to visit you?" Brittany asked almost shyly, which Santana didn't understand why, but she didn't protest it.
"I don't know. I assume anytime you want to," she shrugged, before Brittany gave her a sad smile. She wrapped her arms around Santana as the dark haired woman, pulled her closer to her. She was going to miss this. Being in her arms. She missed it period; it wasn't like they were doing that, that often.
"I promise to visit you as much as possible," Brittany whispered into her ear, making Santana breathe out slightly as her lips formed a content smile, closing her eyes to enjoy having her wife that close for now. "I'll even bring Maya…if you'd like anyway," Brittany added, as she pulled away from her.
Santana licked her lips as she pondered this. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Maya or anything. It was that she didn't want Maya to see her in this place. Granted it didn't look like a prison, but she didn't know what to expect. Maybe, after a couple of days or a week, she could bring her. At least then she'd know what to expect.
"I would like that. Just give me a few days and I'll tell you when to bring her. Just because I don't want her to be freaked out seeing me in this position. I don't know what to expect right now, so…" her voice trailed off, but Brittany understood what she means and it made sense to her.
They sat there on the bench for a moment longer looking at the place in silence. They both wouldn't let on that they were scared about going in to the large building, but it was either that or be sent back. Santana called the military branch, basically explaining what she's been dealing with. They obviously understood and were willing to fund for treatment, happily so, but they said she had to go, otherwise if she got a notice that she needed to be shipped out again, she couldn't turn it down being that she didn't complete her full four years and take it as if she didn't go into treatment that she was lying and stalling her leave; which is against the law. So many bad things could come up if she declined treatment.
So Santana glanced at her wife and pulled her up off the bench as they began walking to the building and for the first time, Brittany noticed her duffle in tow. She laced her fingers with hers and they walked up the walkway then opened the door. So far there was a desk and a few people walking around in normal clothing.
That's a good sign, Santana thought, letting out an uneasy breath as they made their way to the desk. The woman looked up, giving her an instant warm smile.
"Hi…" Santana dragged out before continuing. "I'm Santana Lopez," she introduced herself, causing the woman to nod as if she knew exactly who she was.
"Yes, we've been expecting you. I'm Janice and if you'd just take a seat there is someone who wants to properly introduce himself before we get you entirely checked in," she explained like she's done it a million times, which guessing by the size of this place Santana's guessing she has.
She thanked Janice as Brittany and her took seats in the waiting area, clasping their hands together, then Santana suddenly closed her eyes, cursing under her breath.
"What's wrong?" Brittany asked concerned, before Santana hit her forehead with her other hand, then looked at Brittany.
"I didn't get to say goodbye to Maya," she mumbled, closing her eyes, feeling completely defeated. She felt like such a terrible mom. She always said to herself, when she became a mom she was going to be there for her kid through everything. Watch them grow up big and strong, watch them play sports (if they wanted to play), teach them things; like how to read and what's right from wrong. The simple things that mothers are suppose to teach their kids and she feels like she won't be able to do anything like that because she keeps failing.
"Hey, look at me," Brittany tells her soothingly as the dark haired woman faces her. "It's not goodbye, remember? It's see you later," she whispered, wiping her thumb under the loose tears that were being shed. Santana nodded. Brittany was right; It's not goodbye, it's see you later, she thought to herself.
"Santana Lopez," a man calls, coming out of his office as he takes a look at a very thin chart; Santana assumed it was hers. Not much to fill since she just got here, but nevertheless she was surprised she even had a chart. She got up from her seat and filed into his office with her duffle and Brittany in tow, then sat down across from him.
The office was very immaculate and full of stained wood; typical, as his degrees hung, looking flashy on the wall. He sat down in his giant dark leather chair across from them and adjusted his glasses.
"Welcome Ms. Lopez," he states openheartedly with a warm smile.
"Please call me Santana and this is my wife Brittany," she replies politely, gesturing to Brittany next to her as he sticks his hand out to shake both of their hands.
"All right, well very nice to meet you both," he replied, adjusting his self in his chair. "Okay, so I'm going to brief you on the program here. You will be meeting with me fairly often, about twice a week at first and we'll increase the visits as time progresses. You will have a roommate; it will be a female and if you have any problems with her, let us know; don't handle it yourself," he elaborates, making Brittany smirk, then poke her wife's thigh, implying yeah don't beat the shit out of her which Santana totally caught.
"Now do you ladies have any questions?" He asked, causing them to shake their heads, but being that Santana is, well Santana she had to comment on something.
"Has anyone told you that you look like Dr. Drew?" She asked him, making Brittany giggle a little bit and him laugh slightly.
"I have a few times actually," he replied back smiling a toothy grin, making them laugh back, but then they went right back to business. "Anyway, Santana we're almost done, but I need to ask a few basic questions just to get a basic understanding about you," he adds, making her nod. Anything he needed to know was opened for discussion; she had nothing to hide.
"Okay, so tell me basics about yourself," He asks, opening the file getting ready to write the answers down.
"I'm twenty-six, I'm born and raised in Lima Heights adjacent, I've been married to my high school sweetheart for a little over four years, we have a three year old daughter named Maya, and I was deployed for three years in Iraq," she explains to him without hesitation as he carefully writes it all down. He knew that the last part didn't add up in the least bit, so he was very curious to touch base on why she was deployed for so long.
"Okay…" he drifts as he finishes writing down what he needs to then looks up at the couple in front of him with a little smile. "We're almost done, I just need to know is there anything like self-harm related that you've been dealing with?" He asks, folding his hands as she nods awkwardly.
"Um, well I sort of cut, but I wouldn't call it an addiction because I don't feel like I'm addicted to it," she counters back, rubbing her arm gently, feeling a tad uncomfortable. Her scars made her feel exposed, like the whole world knew she was psychotic.
"When did you start?" He asked her curiously as she started biting her bottom lip. Brittany placed a comforting hand on her wife's knee to show she had support; that she's right there.
"About a month ago, but I only did it twice," she stated, exposing her arm, which clearly showed two light scars on her arm. She looked at him pleading that she wouldn't be here for an addiction that she felt she didn't have. He wrote down the information that he just been given then scaled his eyes over her arm, but all he did was nod in understanding.
"Well do you feel a desire to do this often?" He asks his final question, causing her to shake her head distantly.
"No, I mean yesterday I did, but I didn't do it. I threw the blade out," she told him as he nodded, writing the final piece of data.
"All right, here's my case," he begins, stopping for a beat; both women assumed to make sure he had their attention. They liked the way he delivered and carried himself. Santana really believed she'd be in great hands at this place; Brittany thought so subconsciously as well. "I have in your file that you believe you're suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, but I can't diagnose you until I actually have my sessions with you, so I won't go by what's in the file. According to everything you've given me as far as the cutting, I don't know if it's considered an addiction until I speak with you and give you the therapy you need. Throughout our sessions though, you will feel more at ease and even if you do feel those desires to cut now; not saying you do, but if you do, then those desires will slowly begin to dissipate overtime. The more talking you do with me; the more you'll feel better. We'll do different exercises to build your confidence and self worth back up," he educates them of his practice and what they'll expect, making them both smile. Santana felt tears welling up in her eyes; she needed this. She wanted her life back. She wanted the control of it back in order to move past it.
"Trust me Santana…Brittany, you are going to get your life back," he finishes with a big smile; a genuine smile, not one that made her believe he didn't take pride in what he does. "Do you have any questions or concerns?" he asks before wrapping up their meeting. Santana shook her head, but Brittany spoke up, causing the two occupants to get her undivided attention.
"Um when would I be able to see her?" She asked unsure. She was scared of the answer because, what if it was impossible for her to visit? That'd break her heart. Even though deep down she knew that wasn't the case.
"Well it depends. I want to get in a few sessions prior to visitations, just to see where the patient is at, so give me roughly two sessions, which will start tomorrow, and I'll give you a call to let you know that it'll be okay to visit anytime after that," he explained the procedure, making her nod happily. "All right, well if there are anymore questions you may give me a call, otherwise Janice will meet you outside after Brittany leaves, Santana. She needs to look through your belongings, just precaution to make sure you didn't bring any substances and such in the facility. Then she's going to have you do a routine drug test; again just precaution then she'll show you to your room," he explains to the women, getting up from his chair as both women thanked him happily.
They made their ways out of the office as Santana dropped her duffle up at the front, letting Janice know she was just going to walk Brittany out and come back; that she'd stay by the door if she needed to. She really wanted to be as nice as possible and make her stay as easy as can be, so to do that she had to follow the rules.
She walked Brittany out of the building, hand in hand and for the first time she noticed Brittany in tears since they've been in the actual building. Santana has been trying her best to contain her tears, so seeing Brittany's, only made her want to let hers run freely, but she kept them in, trying to remain strong. Immediately once they made it out the door, Brittany wrapped her arms gently around Santana's waist, holding each other close; they didn't want to let go, but they knew this was right.
"I'm going to miss you so much," Brittany whispers into her wife's neck, gently kissing it. She could feel her shiver beneath her fingertips, but she knew Santana wasn't going to pull away; not this time; not ever again.
Author's Note: Okay so see you guys can't hate me THAT much right? I lied about there being only three chapters left, because I got more ideas for this story; could be good, could be bad; you'll just have to wait and see. I have a few IMPORTANT things to tell you all, so it's important you guys read this and answer to some of the questions I ask:
First off, I'm going to be gone for the rest of the summer. I'll be going to New Hampshire, BUT upside I will be able to write, just not as fast because I'll be taking care of my nephew (it's a job I'm getting paid for so it's pretty important). While I'm gone and if there is no update on here, you may check out my story Secrets if you haven't already as well (:
Second off, I am planning on writing a horror/angst story in the near future, but I need to know if you will ACTUALLY read it because I don't want to take my time and write something no one will read. I love horror and I can tell you I can probably write a decent one (it seems I have the angst part down pat). Reasons for wanting to write one is obviously my love for the genre and two because there aren't really any good ones on here yet. So I want to take a "stab" at it. So let me know if you'd like me to do that.
Third off, if you have a Tumblr; again if you want major updates for this story or any other story I write. I update on my progress like ALL THE TIME. I'll ask for help if I need any there, leave previews and such. I have Twitter as well, but I use Tumblr far more, so if you'd like those links they're in my profile. Also if you haven't checked out the trailer I made for this story its up on Youtube, which my account is ALSO in my profile.
I believe that is all. Thank you all for your time and patience and for the amazing reviews. You're all extremely amazing and let me know what you guys think of the chapter and everything I've said in this note. (well only thing you need to let me know stuff on is the 'second off')
Sam.