BLUE SCRUBS

ACT ONE SCENE SIXTEEN

HOLBY ZOO

(Mrs Bateman, to her disgust, has been told to accompany Rita, Ben and Calvino to the zoo. The zookeeper, Mr Adam Trueman, and his assistants, Sam and Tom, sing cheerfully to the tune of 'You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile' from 'Annie'.)

ADAM, SAM AND TOM: Hey, visitors, say, visitors, we've got news for you.

A town's not a proper town unless it has a zoo.

There ought to be a Sainsbury, a big Tesco too,

But people, it ain't a proper town without a zoo.

Who cares what they're selling in those swanky shopping malls?

A town that doesn't have a zoo is just a load of b*lls, I tell you.

So, prisoners, hey, prisoners, we've lots to teach you, especially

A town just ain't a town, in fact they get you down,

A town just ain't a town without a zoo, zoo, woo hoo hoo.

MRS BATEMAN: Excuse ME! Miss Freeman and myself are prison officers, not prisoners.

BEN: (Hopefully.) Are there penguins? I love penguins.

RITA: So do I but the wrappers are a pain to get off first.

MRS BATEMAN: Chiltern, you're here for work experience, not to gawp at penguins.

MR TRUEMAN: Now, er – Chiltern, we'll see if we can get some time in for you to throw some fish to the penguins later. But first of all it's time for a job that you won't like so much. The big cats are outside at the moment so Samantha and Tom here will be cleaning out their cages. I'm more than sure they'll appreciate your help. As for Miss Freeman and Mrs Bateman, you ladies can come for a nice cup of tea in my office while that little job's being done. Look after them, kids. This way ladies.

(He leads Tess and Rita away.)

SAM: What are your first names? We don't do surnames here.

BEN:} I'm Ben, he's Calvino.

CALVINO:} I'm Calvino, he's Ben.

SAM: (Making sheep's eyes at Calvino.) Are you Italian?

CALVINO: Balsovian.

SAM: You've got a gorgeous name to say you only come from Bolsover.

TOM: (Making sheep's eyes at Ben.) I don't care where you're from. I'll look after you while we muck out.

(Much later, they are all sitting in the picnic area. Rita has two big fluffy toy tigers and a turtle from the gift shop already.)

ADAM: Well, you certainly put your backs into that, lads. Well done. Okay, the ladies will be coming for lunch with me but we'll treat you guys to a sandwich and a tea each now you've had a good wash, and then it's the reptile house. Any of you scared of snakes?

BEN: No, I'm only scared of clowns.

TOM: Oh in that case, you don't want to come along to one of our special kiddies days then. We've got a clown called Professor Loppylugs who gives lectures.

(Ben shudders visibly.)

MRS BATEMAN: Don't be such a baby, Chiltern.

ADAM: (Tactfully.) Lunchtime, people.

SAM: (Whispering to Tom.) I don't want to make the trainees nervous but don't forget that Victor the Viper's been rehoused in the grass snake's cage.

TOM: (Only half concentrating.) Okay.

(Much later still, the action moves to the reptile house. Ben is stroking Victor, mistakenly thinking he's the grass snake.)

BEN: Aren't you cute? Yes, you like that, don't you? Fancy anybody being afraid of you, you're… (Victor bites his arm. Ben jumps in shock and then his breathing becomes rapid as Tom and Sam rush up.)

SAM: You didn't tell him about the viper did you, you klutz?

BEN: V-viper? (Suddenly going almost green.) Please get me to the gents, I think I'm going to throw up….

END OF SCENE SIXTEEN

SCENE SEVENTEEN

HOLBY INFIRMARY

(Ben is sleeping in one of the beds. Dylan comes over to monitor him. He sings to the tune of 'Remind Me', an old 40's number which is sung by Ella Fitzgerald on You Tube – Michael Ball also sang it in his 'Alone Together' concert.)

DYLAN: Remind me, not to find you so attractive, remind me that the world is full of men.

Though you must be treated, I daren't get overheated,

One slip and I'd be out and jobless then.

I had a feeling when I met you, you'd drive me crazy if I let you,

But all my efforts to forget you, remind me I need sex again.

I take my heart well in hand and I'm certain

That I can take you or leave you alone.

And then I see your blue eyes again, and wham, my heart flies again.

I have a will of steel, my friend, but when it seems about to bed,

Remind me not to tell myself I want you, remind me to be sorry that we met,

Although I adore you I can't lose my job for you,

You're one dream I must forget.

So when your charms begin to blind me, I'll simply tie my hands behind me,

Don't let me stroke your hair, remind me….

Unless, you b*st*rd, you forget.

(He is jolted from his reverie by the entrance of Max, who is almost white faced and distraught.)

MAX: Dr Keogh, please help me. I'm not eating or sleeping properly because of Zoe Hanna.

DYLAN: You need to keep your voice down, Walker, Chiltern's sleeping over there. He's only just recovered from that snake bite- look, lad, come over here near the door.

(They move to the door.)

MAX: I think people can die of broken hearts, Dr Keogh. I can feel mine going!

DYLAN: Look, lad. What do you want me to do? Drag her in here by the hair of her head and throw her at your feet?

MAX: (Enraged.) Don't you dare! You try that and I swear I'll punch you for it even if it means fifteen more years in this jail!

BEN: (Tossing in his sleep.) Mmmrf?

DYLAN: (Going to Ben.) It's okay, Chiltern, go back to sleep.

(Ben settles down.)

DYLAN: Right I'm off to get Hanna right now and shake some sense into her.

MAX: You'll have to get past me first!

DYLAN: (Shouting.) You can come in for your appointment now, Zoe!

(Zoe rushes in and throws her arms round Max.)

ZOE: You really love me. You were willing to do a longer sentence to protect me!

(They kiss passionately.)

DYLAN: Right you two, you can snog each other's faces off but I'll be singing over you as it's a musical. And try not to wake Chiltern, he's had a nasty snake bite.

(Despite saying this he sings "I Put My Hand In" which was the opening to the stage version of Hello Dolly, and to me far nicer that the other song they swapped it for.)

DYLAN: I have always been a person who arranges things,

For the pleasure and the profit it derives,

I have always been a person who arranges things,

Like timetables. And Dervla's grub. And lives.

When a hard bitch with a big mouth

Comes around bending everyone's ear,

Show her a photo of a kitty or a pup,

And you can bet your silk panties that that bitch will loosen up.

I put my hand in there, I put my hand in here.

When a sweet clumsy guy arrives, who's a quivering network of fear,

Get him in touch with that smart girl who does Tai Chi,

And soon that lad will be doing Lotus kicks both wild and free,

I put my hand in there, I put my hand in here.

I have always been a person who arranges things

It's my duty to assist the powers above.

I have always been a crafty guy who changes things

Like wallpaper. And crossword clues. And love.

My finesse at dramatic art turned a cad to a lad that can care.

Maybe his past was not exactly shiny bright,

I threatened his lovely lady, he was in like the White Knight.

I put my hand in here, I put my hand in…

Turn a little, twist a little, some hot babe gets kissed a little,

Pressure with the thumbs, love and passion comes when

I put my hand in there.

BEN: (Stirring again.) Mmmmrfff?

DYLAN: (Switching off the lights so Ben is fooled into going back to sleep.) Night Ben.

END OF SCENE SEVENTEEN

SCENE EIGHTEEN

THE PRISON COURTYARD BETWEEN Y AND Z WING

A/N As I've done at least big Christmas storylines in Fierce Brave Gang, I decided to skip Christmas for Holby Jail and the action has now moved to the sad day in early February when Calvino is fit to move. This time there looks like no escape. He is being marched away by Griffiti and Van Aschenford as most of the staff – especially the ladies – sing to the tune of Bye Bye Birdie from the musical of the same name.)

ROBYN: Bye Calvino, we'll miss you such a lot,

Bye Calvino, why must you be shot?

EVERYBODY: We love you, Vino.

DIXIE: No more sunshine, you're taking it away,

I'll cry, Vino, till I'm old and grey.

LILY: I'll miss the way you smile as though it's just for me.

And each and every night I'll snivel miserably.

ETHAN: Bye Calvino, this whole thing makes me sick.

Bye Calvino-

(To Griffiti, who is pushing Calvino.) Don't do that, you pr*ck.

RITA: When I think of your death

I'm like a raging beast,

Tonight I'm going to need

Three migraine pills at least.

ALL: Bye Calvino. Reprieves can still come through.

Bye Calvino, we'll all pray for you..oo…ooo,

We'll all pray for you.

(Connie comes clickety clacking through in her highest ever heels. She has two suitcases.)

CONNIE: It's not over yet, Calvino. Rita and I are coming to Balsovia to talk to the man who won't prove your innocence.

GRIFFITI: You will be wasting your money. Better spend it on Louboutins.

CHARLIE FAIRHEAD: (Standing in the background and delighted to have his first spoken line.) You don't know our Connie.

CONNIE: Are you ready, Rita? I've packed for you.

RITA: (Jumping up and down.) I'm invited! I'm invited!

CONNIE: Rita, you helped me book the airline tickets!

ALL: Bye Calvino, you stick with Connie, pet,

Bye Calvino, she may save you yet.

(The prisoners wave to Calvino who waves back bravely as he is marched off. Connie and Rita follow.)

END OF SCENE EIGHTEEN

END OF ACT ONE

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