Chapter 10: Blood Makes Noise

By: Suzanne Vega

Singer: Kurt (ft Rachel)

The nurse was quick to run him through the basics - height, weight, temperature - before leaving Kurt with one of those cheap paper gowns in case he wanted to cover up and telling him to take off as much as he felt he could. Kurt waited until the door clicked shut to even move. "I think she meant that you're supposed to take off something," Rachel said quietly. They'd agreed he needed her there. In case he looked like he was about to hurl on his rather expensive boots. She could be very quick with the trashcan when need be. Definitely far faster than he was in his current state.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you turn around?"

"What, don't want me to see your chest? I've seen it a hundred thousand times already."

"Please?" Rachel crossed her arms defiantly.

"Is that rash all over you or something?"

"That's part of it." Kurt couldn't explain why he was so shy. He hadn't taken his shirt off anywhere but inside his own loft since August. Only Blaine had seen his torso. He didn't like this feeling of being exposed in public. All of the confidence he'd built up over the last year was gone. His new buff body had gotten him into arguably the worst trouble of his life. He didn't want any repeats. Not that Rachel would cause trouble for him. This hospital was a public place though.

"Ok, fine, whatever!" She didn't understand it but she turned around for him anyway. He pried each button apart one by one and folded each layer neatly onto the chair. Since he hadn't been instructed to strip completely he left his pants be. Of course he did tug on the gown thing. Just to cover up. It made him feel safe.

"Ok," he whispered as he settled himself down again. His head was reeling. Rachel took a seat next to him and let her hand hover over his arm for a moment. She didn't want to risk it. Her hand glided down to settle very lightly over his knee. Of course she was going to try to comfort him but there was no way she was going to risk her health. Her eyes fixated on the red spots she could see through the back. "Does it look bad?"

"No, no, it just looks like, uhm. Like-"

"Acne? Blaine thinks it's a break out."

"I was going to say rubies but acne is probably a much better cover." Actually the only words that had come to mind to describe the sight were 'bloodstained snow.' Rachel didn't tell him that though. He fell silent for a moment. Just when she thought he might start crying again he spoke.

"Have I mentioned I hate needles?" Kurt whispered as he shifted his body again in the chair. His legs bounced and his hands wrung together without pause. He never once let go of his ring. This appointment wasn't just a 'just tell me its the flu and give me my get out of work free pass' visit after all.

"Kurt maybe you should lay down."

"I can't."

"You need to rest." He started to lean towards his best friend again but she leaned away. She couldn't help it. Despite her love for him those spots was just disgusting. Rachel couldn't let them touch her.

"Don't, please, Rachel." There wasn't any strength in his words. It was a quiet, desperate request. "I want to stay here. Like this. Ok?" Her fingertips brushed back and forth over the spot they had settled on. What he needed was Blaine.

"I feel so guilty right now."

"You feel guilty?"

"Kurt, Blaine should be here with you. Right now. You should be supporting each other. That's what husbands do."

"We're not married yet."

"But you still plan on it, don't you?"

"There's a reason we're waiting. We're not ready, we're too young. Engagement is one thing. Marriage - that's huge. I may be ready for the commitment, the partnership, whatever, but...Rachel I know I have a problem. I realize it, ok? I don't want to take this part of me into our marriage." This holding back and not talking when it mattered. The most destructive parts of their relationship had always revolved around that one problem.

"So fix it. Call him, ask him to come here, we can set up his appointment too. Please Kurt. You need to do this together." The man shook his head. "How does it go? For good and for bad, in sickness and in health, til death do us part?" Kurt's hand brushed over the pocket his phone normally resided in. Clearly its form wasn't there so Rachel crossed the room to his coat. If he was even thinking about it she was going to do everything in her power to encourage it. "Kurt, where's your phone?"

"Uhm...I left it on my bed. Or the table? Its in the loft. I know I left it there." Rachel let out a sigh and held her's out to him. "I'm not going to call him."

As she opened her mouth to argue the doctor came in. "Hello Mr. Hummel?" she said, extending her hand. He held his own up to show his palms to her. "I see. Have a seat on the table." The doctor looked towards Rachel for a moment. "Are you getting tested today too?"

"Huh? Oh no! I'm just his friend. I mean. He's got a boyfriend?" The lady laughed a little and motioned to the seat against the wall.

"I'm Doctor York." She went over and immediately got to work examining his shoulders and his palms. "You're here to have some blood drawn for an HIV test today?"

"Yes, just me," Kurt said.

"You'll have to forgive me, but I'm required to ask. The hospital keeps documents so we can try to know what's going on in the city, as best as we're able, so we can be prepared for all our patients. Why do you believe you need this procedure?" Kurt took a deep breath. His hands gripped onto the cushioned table as though that could give him the strength he needed.

"I was." Another deep breath. His hands loosened and he started turning his ring. It was his only comfort now. His eyes pressed shut as the words returned to his head, demanding he admit his guilt. Because it was all his fault. He was strong, healthy, shirtless, and he had been a bit provocative that day in class. Blaine had been behind him the whole time. Of course he'd been showing off.

"Take your time. It's alright." Tease - the memory echoed. You know you want it. No, his body had been for Blaine, and that response that day was an accident. It wasn't his fault. He hadn't wanted it.

Why had the word 'assault' slipped so easily to Rachel? He'd already used the word. It should be easier. Yet it held more weight here with the doctor. She was a symbol of authority. What if she told him it wasn't really assault? It was just a kiss. Yes it had been forced on him and some unwanted touching had been involved and he suspected Austin had wanted to actually rape him but what if that didn't really count? Rape and assault always involved more than this. Not to mention a lot more physical damage. He'd had tiny scrape on his cheek and an odd bruise that lasted only a few days on one of his wrists. It hadn't even been dark enough for Blaine to notice it.

"Three months ago I was kissed by a man I don't know," he finally stated. It wasn't a commitment to the word. Rachel sat up taller and leaned in towards him. She didn't understand why he'd done that. "And I bit the guy and I wound up swallowing his blood. A pretty good amount of it. And this morning I." He had to pause to take a deep breath to stave off the tears as the sound of his heart raced in his ears. "I did that take home test, Oraquick. It was positive." Kurt leaned away. Doctor York had been paying particular attention to his mouth and given what had happened with Austin he found that unnerving.

"Say 'aah' for me." The doctor leaned in when he obeyed, making a note on her clipboard. "How long have you had this rash?"

"I noticed it a few days ago."

"What about weeks ago? Did you notice anything out of the ordinary?"

"Uhm. I don't know."

"No unexplained sores anywhere?" Kurt's brows knitted together. He was trying desperately to remember anything like that. Clearly it was important or else she wouldn't bring it up. He couldn't think of anything and he couldn't remember Blaine asking about anything odd on his body outside of the rash.

"I don't remember any. Why?"

"Your symptoms are fairly common for a lot of things. Including, yes, acute retroviral syndrome, which is the primary stage of an HIV infection, among others. Like syphilis. I don't intend to scare you but lately syphilis and HIV infections have been more and more likely to show up together when people get tested. I'm going to recommend they test for that as well, just to be safe." Kurt felt his head start swimming. Two diseases for the price of one. Just great. "The good news is syphilis is completely curable. Two weeks of antibiotics and most cases are completely cured."

"If only HIV were like that."

"Hopefully it will be. Someday. For now we work with what we have and hope for a cure." The doctor made some notes on her paper. "Have you had any other symptoms? Any unusual discharges or pain while going to the bathroom?"

"No."

"How many sexual partners have you had?"

"One. I've only ever been with my long-term partner." Kurt subconsciously lifted his ring to the light for a very brief moment. "This guy who kissed me, he just kissed me. That's it. I didn't want him to and he didn't have the chance to get further than that." Dr. York's pen hovered as she processed what he'd just told her.

Then she pulled up the chair from the desk and sat, with her legs crossed at the ankles. "I'm glad you came in for a follow-up test, not everyone does. But there are some very important things we need to discuss about your future."

"Now?" Kurt's voice was tiny and weak. He couldn't find the strength to speak louder.

"I want to give you time to think over your options. If the blood test comes back negative you won't have to worry about this at all, but if you are positive then we'll need to make decisions on your treatment plan immediately. Have you been sexually active with your partner since this happened?"

"Yes. I'm going to tell him, so he can get tested too. I just haven't figured out how to yet."

"That's good, very good. Make sure you do that. But even if he is positive you'll still have to be safe in the future. Either of you could build up drug resistance and spread that drug resistance to each other. That doesn't mean you have to swear off sex entirely of course. I'm sure I don't have to teach you about condoms right?"

"Yeah."

"There's also another option we have to talk about, in addition to, not in place of, understand?" Kurt nodded slowly. "ART is commonly recommended to HIV positive patients once their CD4 drops below 500...You look lost already."

"What's CD4?" ARV was easy enough to figure out. That was the code for a drug, most likely, and given the context Kurt was able to guess at its purpose even though he was only familiar with AZT.* That he'd learned from RENT and that musical had come out over a decade ago. He'd never heard CD4 before though.

"Its how we measure your immune system, you may have heard of it as the t-cell count. They're slightly different but for our purposes they're generally interchangable. A healthy individual will be between 500 and 1,500 but someone with a compromised immune system will be below 500. Recently there's been studies about using ART as a preventative measure. The sooner a patient starts their drug regimen the lower their HIV levels will be and the less likely they will be to spread the disease. People have also been doing something called 'TASP' for the last few years, which is basically treatment as prevention."

"I can start it now?"

"No, now I want you to wait until we get the results of the blood test back. But I do want you to be aware of this option. I only recommend it to people in monogamous relationships where the partner might be at-risk because the possibility of building resistance is worrisome. I want you to live the longest possible life and if you build up resistance early that could compromise your health."

"We are, we are I promise we are." Rachel crossed over to stand near him. The man was shaking. He didn't want to die but even more than that he didn't want Blaine to die because of him.

"Ok, I believe you, I'll set you up with all the information you need so you can think about it." The doctor stood up and looked square into his eyes. "Mr. Hummel, once you start taking these drugs you can never stop. Even if your treatment is to take these pills once a day you'll be taking them for the rest of your life. In some cases there are persistent side effects that will never leave you. It can be a challenge to change your medication in a way that keeps you from being at risk. This is going to be a big decision. Ok?"

"Yeah, I know." He'd already made up his mind. The day they handed him his positive results he was going to demand ART. For Blaine.

"Alright." She passed the paper over to him. "I'll get go get someone to take you to get your blood drawn. Hold onto that, give it to the nurses down there." Kurt nodded slowly. He didn't make any moves though. The doctor gave him a pat on the arm. "You're going to be ok. It could have been a lot worse than this. We have a great team here that can take care of you, including counselling services." Then she was gone.

Kurt sat in complete silence while Rachel gathered their things. It could have been worse. How did it get worse? Well, clearly there were ways. He could have been raped, beaten, or killed. Which was just dandy because now he was a whiner on top of everything else. Tears threatened his eyes once again.

"Are you ok?" Rachel whispered as she helped him get his layers back on.

"Ok? No. I'm not ok. AIDS and Syphilis! Rachel!"

"Maybe it'll never become AIDS. The medicine has to have improved from that cocktail they taught us about in school. Google said it's just one pill a day now, and with much lower chances of the body resisting the drugs.* And people who've been taking the medicines they've had for the last twenty years are still going strong without developing AIDS. You stand a really good shot at living a full, healthy life Kurt. So does Blaine."

"That's all so easy for you to talk about. You don't have 'the gay disease.' It's not just having HIV that's the problem here, you know that right?"

"The biggest problem is how you got it. And that you haven't told anyone. Why didn't you tell the doctor it was assault?"

"It's not that easy! What if it isn't really assault? I mean, he just kissed me and…"

"And what? Kurt what did he do to you?"

"He didn't rape me."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive about that. No one's pants came off."

"Zippers-"

"No."

"Suppressed memory?"

"No. I remember everything. It wasn't rape. I'm not even sure if it counts as assault anymore."

"He kissed you against your will. That counts." Kurt placed his hands on the wall to ground himself. Rachel ducked around to start buttoning his shirt up for him. "You don't get it. You can't get it. Some guy who literally didn't like the way I looked decided it was a wonderful idea to try to harass me until I had sex with him. I let him get too close and now that could be killing me. I could be killing Blaine. This is all my fault."

"No it-"

"You say that it isn't, but it still feels like it is. I should have done something. I knew he wasn't acting right, I should have run, or yelled louder, I should have never let him get close to me, anything. I was an idiot. And worse." His fingers fumbled to get his vest on. He didn't even mess with the other pieces.

"What happened Kurt."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You're going to have to eventually."

"No, I'm not. I'll figure out something but Rachel I can't say this. Not out loud. I can't even think about it. Its too shameful, too awful."

"Ok, ok." She wrapped her arms around his torso now that he was covered up. Rachel didn't believe he was telling the truth about not being raped. Especially after how he'd acted in the loft and what he was saying now. It was extra confusing since he considered certain forms of not-quite-sex, in her mind, to be sex and yet he had still said he hadn't been raped. Not technically at least. Maybe he was like that one president. It only counted when it was ok for it to count that way. She didn't voice her thoughts though. It was better that she stay silent and let him come to terms with it as he was able.

His head was hanging so low he looked as though he might tumble over. Rachel pressed her fingers on both sides of it to nudge his eyes up where they could meet her own. "Blaine will understand, Kurt. He's not going to be mad at you. This isn't your fault."

"I've tried! I can't."

"Blaine, I was assaulted and he may have given me HIV." Kurt shoved her hands away. "He'll understand Kurt. You have to tell him."

"I can't."

"Then let me tell him. I'll take him out, tell him I need help finding your Christmas present or something, and sit him down and explain to him that you just can't say it out loud yet and-"

"No! Rachel. Fine. I'll talk to him. I will. But can it wait just one more week?"

"Kurt!"

"I don't want to ruin his reunion. He deserves this."

"Kurt you need to-"

"Please Rachel, let me wait. It'll be better, when we're alone. That way everyone else won't find out on accident. I'm really not ready for everyone else to know. You know how snoopy Santana is. If she comes she'll find some way to overhear, you know she will, and she'll tell everyone and this whole reunion will be ruined because of me. I can't do it."

"It's not your fault." Her voice sounded tired. She didn't understand why she had to keep repeating those four words over and over. Wasn't it obvious? "I'm here for you Kurt. Whatever you need. I'm here for you. I love you, you're my best friend, and sometimes you may have been my only friend, and I will be here for you. No matter what happens." The tiniest of smiles tugged on his lips as she engulfed him in a hug.

"I love you too Rachel," he murmured back.

"I don't suppose you want to get some cheesecake on the way home? I remember this nice place, just up the street actually. I stopped by there a couple of times when you hurt last year."

"Was that where you got the triple berry cheesecake?"

"Yes."

"Why did we never go there before."

"I kind of forgot about it after you were out. I don't really like cheesecake that much so I don't think about it. Sorry." He squeezed her a little tighter. That was Rachel just being Rachel. She'd tried to think of someone else. That was all anyone could ask for.

When the nurse took them down to the bloodletting station, Rachel continued this streak of amazing friendship-ness by holding his (gloved) hand while the nurse drew the blood that would tell his true fate once and for all. Kurt only wished the needle was the worst of his problems. For the first time in his life he barely felt the pinch.

*Notes on the medical talk: AZT is a drug, ARV/ART are the codes for the treatment regimen. Rachel's google-found information is only sort of accurate if not perhaps misinterpreted. Drugs can be taken once a day but most sources I found said there are still usually three drugs taken at any given time not including drugs used to counteract side-effects.