Story: It is What it is, Chapter 8
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA
Sometimes, it's very hard to remember that Edward is actually Riza's superior. (haha.)
I'm back, but I haven't been able to write a lot, because I now have a worker coming out to get me and taking me places. I'm also soon going back to school, so I'm preparing for that. And, unfortunately, the doctor didn't want to cooperate, so I'm stuck with a constant headache and drowsiness(as well as stomach problems) still and unfortunately, Ibuprofen and Peptobismol isn't doing much at all for me *sobs* (and my hypothyroidism certainly isn't helping me feel any more energetic). I was also saving up the credit on Swagbucks so I could get some amazon gift cards to get a Fullmetal Alchemist bag, since my normal bag has food smashed in it. It shipped off and is headed here, I'm rather excited to receive it.
All that aside, I'm also looking for a job, which is basically becoming an act of congress, since I don't have a high school diploma.
Needless to say, there's a lot going on and I'd like to thank all of you for being so patient with me.
Replies to Reviews:
AEW Dragon said: I have quite a few health issues as well that make it hard to do a lot of stuff. I've been having a flare up of one all summer. I totally understand how hard it can be. Take all the time you need to take care of yourself. You are doing a great job!
I'm sorry to hear that, hope things get better for you! And thank you for your support and understanding!
CatCat said: Don't worry about putting this on hold, the most important thing is making sure you take good care of yourself and get better! I wish you well!
(Also, after I ended up posting my previous review I went back and looked over the last one with the mistake and it had gone...I had been really confused and sort of started wondering if I was going crazy XD! Good thing to know I'm not and it's just the author catching my strange spelling mistakes!)
Thanks you for your support! Yeah, I fixed it. I fully understand making spelling errors, so it's no problem! :D
heartbreakerninja said: Hey its cool. You take care of you. We can wait. If it makes you feel better. I took a 3 year break on two of my main stories because of stress and health issues. My readers held out for me till I got my self into a place to kinda start back up so dont worry about us the readers. We'll still be here. Just take care of you. I know how much of a pain ADHD can be. I'm an adult and it still very much effects me. it can screw with a lot of things and it can get frustrating. But just keep your chin up and head held high. You got this and everythings gonna be alright. Just keep being you.
Thank you so much for your understanding and encouragement. I've taken quite a few breaks on some of my stories because of these issues, but I want to at least keep this one going, even though the updates might not be as often, since I really don't feel that well.
sincity27 said: I hope you feel better! And on the plus I'm loving your story!
I'm so glad you're enjoying it. And I hope I start feeling better as well, I wanna be at my best when writing. :D;;;
KittyKatz009 said: I really love this story and I am so glad you are writing it. I am eager to see what happens with Ed once they get to the hospital. I know he was strong for so long, so this was definitely coming. I hope you feel better soon and get your medications figured out.
Thanks so much for all of your other reviews on my chapters, and I'm really happy you're enjoying this!
I'm slowly figuring out the deal with my medications. Hopefully, within the next month or so, everything will be back on track.
..
Nextly, in regards to this chapter, I hope Roy doesn't seem out of character or anything, this chapter is fully based off of personal experience (more than some of the others, so try to be understanding.) (There's an author's note explaining everything at the end of the chapter.)
(Also, whenever I say Roy has gotten physical with Edward before, I was referring to when Roy punched Edward after Edward thought that Roy had killed Ross...)
...
Beep.
Edward had never particularly liked hospitals that much. But if there was one specific thing he hated about it, it was the waiting. The silence. The pure consternation and anxiety.
Beep.
Occasionally, he could hear people walking by outside the door.
Nobody had said anything for the past thirty minutes and it was driving him crazy.
Were they mad at him? He knew they were disappointed in him, at the least, after the shit he'd pulled.
Beep.
The only sound that could be heard in his hospital room was the beeping of the machines. He'd had a blood transfusion a short while ago, and most of the color had returned to his skin, but mentally, he wasn't feeling that much better. His arm had been bandaged and he had been given a short sleeve hospital gown to wear. Feeling exposed, he'd used a quilt to wrap it around himself and hide his arm from sight, including his own.
One of the nurses had wanted to take his automail from him to prevent him from harming himself any further, but Roy had surprisingly been the one who said, "That won't be necessary."
Maybe he knew that if Edward really wanted to hurt himself badly enough again, he would find a way, so taking his automail from him would be pointless.
He didn't face them.
Especially not when Roy finally spoke, breaking the silence after what felt like hours.
"Explain." the man said in a tone of voice that came out harsher than intended.
In all honesty, a part of Roy couldn't help but feel a certain responsibility for this; for not speaking up on his suspicions sooner.
Perhaps, it had been pride that had stopped him from stepping out of his comfort level to truly confront him on his strange behavior. Perhaps, he didn't want to believe it was the truth, so he simply dismissed it. Perhaps, he'd been too afraid of dredging up bad memories of his own past. Or, maybe, part of him simply hadn't wanted to get involved, because he felt that Edward should have somehow been able to fix the problem on his own. More than likely, it had been a mix of all of them, but Roy knew that his reasoning had been selfish and he couldn't just turn away anymore. Seeing Edward covered in blood made him realize just how scared he was of losing the kid.
He had been pure lucky that he arrived as soon as he did, he knew this.
Had it been any later and Edward could have died. Hell, he probably would have.
And now that the memory was still fresh in mind, haunting him, he was determined to face him and confront him once and for all.
After all, Edward was still alive and right before him. He still had a chance to save him, and he would do what he could in his power to prevent things from ever getting to such a point again.
"Explain what?" Edward muttered. He knew what Roy was talking about, but, for one, he didn't like Roy's tone, and secondly, and didn't want to talk about his feelings.
"You know what he's referring to, Edward..." Riza said, in a softer voice than Roy would have offered. However, even though she didn't want to be overbearing about this and wanted to try to be as understanding as possible, she couldn't condone this any more than Roy did.
"I don't want to talk to him about it." Edward said, barely above a whisper.
Riza could immediately tell by the look in Roy's eyes that he was about to say something he'd surely end up regretting, so, once again, she took the initiative.
"...I can only begin to imagine what you must have been feeling to do that do that to yourself. And I know that talking about your emotions has never been easy for you, but you can't keep bottling things up like this." She said.
As a solider, she had seen a lot of blood in her life, but that didn't ever make it any easier to stomach witnessing something like that.
What made it frustrating was that she had known that something was wrong for a while, and the signs were so painstakingly obvious; insistence on wearing long sleeves, flinching at physical contact and so many other things. It should have immediately been a dead give-away.
However, now that she knew what was going on, she had to stop focusing on what she'd failed to do in the past and focus on the present and a way to prevent it from happening again in future. Her position and status be damned - she knew that she couldn't just stand back and do nothing, while Edward was suffering to the point of hurting himself. No, she refused to.
"Look, I made a mistake, okay? I cut too deep, I admit. But it won't happen again." Edward said, not seeing a problem with his actions.
"That's not-" the issue, Riza tried to say, but was cut off by Roy.
"You're right, Ed, it won't happen again." he said simply. "Because we're not going to allow it to, and from this point on, you are going to be under our supervision 24/7, until further notice."
"I don't want a babysitter." Edward retorted.
"Well, that's too bad," Roy said coldly. "because, apparently, you need one."
"No, I don't!" Edward shouted, turning to glare at him. Being monitored by Roy meant Alphonse was, without a doubt, going to find out about his cutting. And it also meant that he would have to put further hold on getting Alphonse's body back.
Riza really didn't like where this was going, nor the way Roy was speaking to Edward, but she knew that the issue couldn't be avoided, considering that Edward didn't even see an issue with cutting himself. Of course she would step in if Roy started acting or speaking in ways that she didn't approve of.
Roy got up and Edward started to edge back in a subconscious fear. Was he going to hit him for shouting at him? It wouldn't be the first time that he had got physical in one of their disputes.
However, instead of hitting him, Roy simply ripped off his covers and grabbed the boy's hand, pulling his arm out to expose all of the bandages and some of the scars.
"Look at yourself, Ed. You've been ripping your own skin to shreds, to the point you even passed out. This right here is proof that you need help." Roy said, as a matter-of-factly. "Do you really not see a problem with it?"
"No..." Edward muttered bitterly in denial. It was his own business what he did to himself. As long as he wasn't trying to kill himself, it didn't matter. And why was Roy getting so involved anyway?
Roy sighed, but was trying his best to be patient. "Tell me this much. What does cutting yourself do for you?" He desperately wanted to know.
"...It's none of your business..." Edward grumbled. He really didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't like either one of them could understand, anyway.
Roy sighed. He really was trying his best, but it was pretty apparent that Edward wasn't going to open up to him without a push.
"Fine." Roy said, letting go of Edward's arm. "If you won't tell me, then I'm sure you'll be willing to explain this to your brother instead."
Riza was about to protest to Roy's idea of getting Alphonse involved in this right away, but stopped when Edward quickly reached out, nearly falling off the bed as he grabbed onto Roy's sleeve, when the man started to walk off, presumably towards the telephones.
"Wait! Please..." the boy murmured desperately, letting his hair cover his eyes. The next words that came out of his mouth were barely above a whisper, but no less strong of a plea. "Don't tell Al..."
He sounded like he was on the verge of tears.
"Then you will answer my question." Roy said sternly.
Edward's eyes widened slightly at hearing the subtle threat, before narrowing in frustration.
More than anybody else, Alphonse was the last person he wanted to find out, least of all right now. His brother wasn't usually the type to hold a grudge, but there was no way he wouldn't be at least a little mad at Edward for lying to him. And Edward didn't like Alphonse when he was angry, which was why it scared him so much.
He knew that he was probably going to find out eventually anyway, but Edward was willing to prolong the inevitable no matter what the costs.
And after all trouble and worry he had caused them, he knew they had deserved some kind of answer. It was the best bet to simply cooperate, because he didn't doubt Roy for one instance.
Even so, what was he supposed to say?
Any answer he could have given them would have sounded downright stupid and there was no short explanation as to why he cut himself. There were so many reasons he did it. He couldn't narrow it down to one, just as he couldn't put a single name to his feelings half the time.
He could feel their eyes on him, in expectation.
He moved back, letting go of Roy's sleeve.
"It distracts me..." he finally mumbled. While, sure, it wasn't the only reason, it was something.
"From what...?" Roy asked in as soft of a voice as he could manage, even though it still came off gruff and sharp, causing Edward to slightly pull in on himself in response to the older man's harsh tone.
"...Everything." Edward admitted vaguely, feeling like there was a lump in his throat.
There was nothing in specific he could name. And it was true. When he cut, he wanted to focus only on the pain, not anything else. It wasn't just one factor leading to it, after all, it was too many things to count.
"How does it... make you feel...?" Riza suddenly asked.
"...I don't really know how to explain it, but there's a sort of rush I sometimes get. When I'm holding the blade, I feel in control of something for once and it's exhilarating... Watching the blood... It detaches me from my feelings, my situation, my surroundings and everything. It clears my head so I don't have to think." Edward described it the only way he knew how.
Suddenly, he felt sick. Did they think he was crazy after saying such things? Were they going to judge him? Were they going to shun him? Would they even want to be associated with him anymore?
Despite his anxiety, however, it was actually quite easy for them to understand what he was saying.
Edward was just a kid that had been through a lot of hardships in his life, and had faced so much pain and unpredictability on the path he'd chosen. He was only bound to try to find a way to get a sense of regulation eventually. It was simply unfortunate that this would be the lengths he went to get it.
"You know..." Roy murmured in a grim and solemn voice, deep in thought, averting his gaze. "I once did the same thing."
Edward looked up at him, shocked by the implication. Riza, on the other hand, had a knowing look on her face and opted to look away.
"I didn't know how to cope with having taken so many lives during the war. But thanks to Hughes and Hawkeye, and several others, I was able to realize that harming myself wasn't getting me anywhere. It was only getting in the way of my goals and life."
At that moment, he met Edward's eyes. "I don't know how long you've been doing this, but I'd be damned if I allowed you to continue going down the same path that I barely managed to pull away from. The Rockbells didn't put so much hard work into crafting your automail for you to hurt yourself. They did it for you to protect yourself. So keep your chin up and stand tall, Fullmetal. You may think things are bleak now, and, it's true, things may get worse, but you will always have people that are there for you; people who have supported you from the beginning. Don't you dare lose sight of them."
"He's right, you know." Riza gave a small smile, catching the blonde's attention. "And you may not see it now, but your life is precious, Edward."
Edward's eyes widened at their words. It was then that he realized:
His attachment to Roy and Riza wasn't completely a recent thing. It had always been there.
Several times in the past, just like now, Roy had managed to push him forward at points that it felt like there was nothing he could do. Likewise, Riza, while also having a slightly strict side herself, was soft-spoken, a little like his mother, and had always managed to somehow boost his sense of self-worth even when it was at it's lowest. Both of them were equally encouraging in their own ways.
For the first time in his life, now, thanks to them, something in the boy genuinely wanted to stop cutting.
Yet doubt still plagued his mind. He found himself wondering if it was even possible to. The sheer optimism reminded him of Alphonse.
"...I've never understood how you or Al can keep looking forward and even succeed in encouraging others when everything seems so hopeless. There are times I've really envied you guys for that..."
"You're a lot stronger than you think, kid..." Roy offered.
"Yes," Riza said, having got up herself. She reached out, tenderly grabbing Edward's arm. "this right here is proof of your perseverance. It's a symbol of your struggle to survive. Even so, being strong doesn't mean you have to do everything alone. Roy and I both care for you, and so does your brother and everybody around you. You will always have people that you can rely on."
Edward looked down at hearing her words, almost as if in shame.
"Edward," Riza murmured, now rubbing circles into his hand. "if I may, I'm going to make a selfish request of you."
"What is it?" Edward couldn't bring himself to face her, after realizing how much pain and worry he'd caused them.
"The next time you get to the point where you're considering hurting yourself again, I want you to at least come to one of us. Can you do that for me?" Riza asked in a soft voice. Edward was silent for a long time, pondering it. But, eventually, he gave in.
"...I'll try..." he said in a weak voice, barely stronger than a whisper. He hoped they wouldn't be upset with him for not being able to give them an absolute answer or make any promises.
"I wouldn't ask for anything more." Riza gave his hand a small reassuring squeeze, noticing the look in his eyes.
"Colonel...," Edward mumbled.
"Hm?"
"Thanks... For telling me."
"Don't mention it..."
Edward didn't have to thank Riza for her to know that he appreciated her efforts just as much.
They all fully understood that this was going to be a hard road to tow, and Roy and Riza still didn't know everything that was leading to the cutting or all that Edward was upset about, but that was just something that they would have to work with and figure out as they got him to open up, no matter how long that may take. There would definitely be setbacks along the way, and Edward would probably have relapses at some points, but that was something they were fully prepared to face together.
As a family, regardless of blood.
...
A/N: This chapter was extremely hard for me to write because of how tired I am... But I hope it's satisfying none the less.
Sorry it's so short! D':
Self-harm may seem out of character for Roy, but it's actually exactly what I went through with my father figure... I feared him finding out that I self-harmed, and was afraid of him judging me, but when he did find out, he told me what he had went through and that he used to do the same thing. He is one of the few people in my life that helped me stop, so this chapter is fully based off of that personal experience. Of course their personalities aren't completely the same(though they are a little alike), and I had to take that into consideration when writing this, but the base idea is still there. I hope it's not a turn-off or anything. It's not a present issue for Roy anymore in this context, it was simply a part of his past that has made him stronger in the long run.
Also, the reason Riza didn't suspect self-harm isn't quite specified. My mother figure this is based off of didn't really suspect it either (even though she already knew that I had past experiences with it), but after she found out, she was very concerned, and was more understanding than the majority of the people in my life was.
Speaking of which, I hope it doesn't feel like I'm short handing Riza in this at all. I definitely plan to have some development between her and Edward as well soon.
By the way, if anybody has been keeping up with my fanfiction called "Melancholy" (which is actually part of what this one was inspired from(aside from my interpersonal issues anyway), I've misplaced my phone, which had my document for it, so that story may be put on hiatus until I can find it. Sorry!