Chapter 10
The wolf is my enemy. Therefore he is hers.
The only thing that kept me from ripping Jacob to shreds was my need to see to Bella. She was upset; no mind reading needed to figure that one out. She was forcing herself to calm, and my covering her up had seemed to help. I stood, awkwardly bringing her up with me, my hands attempting to rub vigorously on her arms and keep her warm.
She couldn't continue living like this. It was too dangerous.
It was that simple. I knew she saw it, too; there was a well-worn rut beginning to form between her slightly uneven brows. Without leaning in or thinking, I was gently running the pad of my thumb, feeling the furrow, letting the light tickle of near-invisible, unplucked hair brush my skin. It was like a thousand ants crawling along my body; unpleasant for what it was yet stimulating all at once.
"You can't imagine how that feels," she whispered, her voice thick with- something. I couldn't tell yet, but I imagined that it was longing. Women's throaty, raspy attempts at seduction tended to blend after a while, and though I detected similar undertones in the timbre of her voice, I knew without devoting thought to it that Bella wasn't intentionally trying to turn me on; that was simply how she was.
Or maybe that was how my body chose to react to her. I wasn't sure; I had been too busy thinking about her to devote any time to actually think about her. Being in her presence didn't help, either; I couldn't distract myself with focusing on her thoughts, so I had to settle with focusing on my perception of the minute changes in her facial expressions. How amusing.
"I think I have a pretty good idea," I murmured, purposefully holding my breath in. I knew how it affected her, how my vampire-ness affected her; this time, I wanted to see if it was the predator/prey relationship that she unconsciously responded to… or if it was, inexplicably, me as a person.
We stood like that but a few seconds, me touching her lightly between her eyebrows, she standing there, eyes half-lidded and holding her breath. It was a fleeting instant, really; ephemeral like most of my other connections with humans. But that wasn't how my constantly bored vampire mind perceived the moment. For the first time in more than fifty years, I wasn't concerned with hiding my cold skin, or trying to figure out how to best fuck her without her noticing I was less than human, or wasting my time with forgettable conversations to get into her pants. I simply… was. We simply were.
I dropped my hand and she opened her eyes. I looked directly into her irises, noting how the moon reflected in them, like it settled on a still lake at night. I hadn't been breathing- a human trait I tended to use when I was around people- so I slowly inhaled, the overpowering scent of her blood sticking in my nostrils, my throat, my taste buds. Delicious. She smelled absolutely delicious. The unpleasant tang of wolf was there, distinct and making my body react with the instinct of enmity, but Bella's savory flavor was getting stronger, overpowering the wolf smell and overpowering me. The glands in the back of my mouth tingled as venom began to collect there, and I had a fleeting human memory of biting into a not-quite-ripe plum. I suppressed my normal around-humans instinct and stopped breathing; I might need to if I was around her; the temptation to bite was too great.
Her pupils had dilated slightly, her body reacting to its own natural instinct to fear a dangerous predator. I chuckled as I realized it. The furrow reappeared, and I explained myself before her mouth could even form the question.
"You are much too tempting for your own good," I said, injecting a light tease in my tone. Her mouth turned up at a corner and she backed away a step; whether it was unconscious or not, I wasn't sure, but I didn't want her to be afraid of me.
"I don't want you to be afraid," I said, staring directly into her eyes. She appeared to accept that, but rather than coming toward me again, she sat down Indian-style, right there on the grass. This amused me greatly; I liked that Bella wasn't the type of girl who would be bothered by dewdrops or unforeseen bugs in the darkness. Perhaps it was a result of hanging out with mangy dogs, but I sensed that it was more a part of her character to not care about things like getting down and dirty.
"I don't see anything to be afraid of," she shrugged, mindlessly pulling out pinches of grass and sprinkling them haphazardly behind her. I lowered myself so that I was sitting with my legs in front of me, sort of perpendicular to her form. I rested my arms straight out behind me and gazed at the night sky, completely aware of Bella's breath blowing across me like a humid breeze. She smelled warm, human; she had recently brushed her teeth, and the peppermint tang carried with the salty human scent. It was getting easier to ignore the pepper of wolf. I began sneaking little breaths; I couldn't get enough of her smell, but I was hesitant to breathe it in too much.
"I don't scare you?" I asked, putting on my best Edward Cullen smirk, but she was looking up at the moon, considering my question.
"No more than usual," she replied softly, running her palms across the wet grass. She looked down and plucked a yellow dandelion, shredding it with her fingers as she looked at me. She grinned and raised her eyebrows before saying, "I think you do that shit on purpose, you know."
"Oh, do you?" I smiled. Playful. I liked that. It was something of a relief to discover that I liked Bella as a person. I found that even this small thing surprised me a little, and I have always prided myself on finding few surprises when it comes to the human female. Perhaps it was because her mind was closed to me. Perhaps something else.
"You're not as scary as you try to be, you know," she said, looking away and smiling at some inner joke. I felt a crazed sort of pleasurable panic not knowing what it was she was thinking about. If I had to name the feeling, I'd call it "drunkenness", only vampires can't get drunk. Emmett claims to have "blacked out" on those several occasions when he met his blood singers, but since I wasn't nearby at the time, I've never known how true that was. His memories were nothing to go by; vampire recollections can be just as influenced by want and desire as human recollections.
"I'm not trying to be scary. On the contrary; it's a little unsettling how easy it is to be myself around you." The words slipped out of my mouth like the dew slipped from her fingertips as she lifted her hands from the grass. Much too easily.
"That's funny, I was just thinking the same about you," she mumbled, flicking at some invisible speck of dust that kept her from looking at me.
"Oh? Life as a den mother not all it's cracked up to be?" I asked, trying to sound like I was teasing and failing. I suppose my desperate need to know the answer to her question was all-too apparent because her head jerked up and met my eyes.
"Don't ask me about them," she said, tilting her chin pugnaciously, daring me to defy her. Her eyes were blazing despite her back being turned to the moon; her defiance was glorious to behold, and I sucked in a sharp breath without thinking.
The fire, the utter burn that rushed down into my mouth was like a back draft; Bella's scent was rushing into my mouth, replacing the oxygen atoms and trying like hell to ignite the venom that was again pooling at the back of my throat. I was caught completely and utterly by surprise; the last time I had had such a strong reaction to any one human was… seventy years ago. Not too far from here, actually. My first. First kill, first sex. I had concluded after the fact that I was unprepared for it, that it had all been too much. Now I wasn't so sure.
I swallowed three times, desperately trying to clear my mouth of the burn, to digest the flood of Bella in my mouth. I could feel the dark stirrings in my loins, that shadow that loomed below whenever I was either hunting or fucking. The soulless nature of the vampire, I liked to call it. Alice always told me that I was being morbid whenever I referred to it that way, but that is exactly what it felt like. I had perfected the art of suppressing it over the years, but for some reason- right here, right now- it wanted to come out.
I wasn't even feeding. Or fucking, for that matter.
I should have gotten up and walked away. Fled. Fled quickly.
But her eyes kept me there. It was the first time I had seen her have a correct reaction to being in my presence.
She looked afraid. I'm ashamed to say that this only enticed the soulless shadow more.
I exhaled deeply and shut my eyes, focusing on the sound of her quickened heart rate; I counted the beats, noting that they slowed after about a minute or so. She was doing the same thing I was- calming herself down.
"That was… interesting," I said, trying to laugh and lighten the mood. She laughed uneasily and we fell into a short silence, wondering what to say next.
"I should probably go," she said softly, the impact of her words hard and hollow.
"No, you stay," I said quickly, getting up in a blur. "I'll go."
She looked up at me, her expression troubled. "I don't want you to go."
"Then I won't." Not if you don't want me to.
"I don't want you to go," she whispered, and when I looked down to see if she meant it, I caught a fleeting look of pain on her face. I wanted to brush it away with the strand of hair that gently whipped in her eyes as she turned her head slightly, but I didn't. It took every ounce of strength and will that I possessed, but I didn't. I wasn't sure that I'd be able to stop myself if it happened again.
I wanted to see if I could refrain.
I wanted to see if my willpower was stronger than the odd need I had to remain near her.
It seemed unfathomable to me why this girl, this human female, was so irresistible to me.
Had it really only been days since I had first seen her?
My common sense was hollering at me to get the hell away from her, but that deep down dark was growling for me to get closer. I wanted to see if I could find some sort of middle ground, so I paused, willing both instincts to quiet down to a faint buzz.
"I'll stay if you ask me to," I finally whispered. It was barely more than a human could discern, but she caught it. Her pupils dilated and her heart rate bounded in my ears; I shifted my gaze to an area just under her jaw, my mind lazily taking note of every imperfection. Every tiny detail- the sporadic clusters of freckles splayed on either side of her nose, a pock mark next to her eye. Her left ear was slightly higher than the right, both lobes unmarred by ridiculous piercings as so many human females were want to do.
My eyes finally rested on that spot, that thrumming rhythm of blood beneath the corner of her jaw.
Taking a page from the human playbook, I sucked in a breath, focusing on the in-and-out motion; imagining the intake of oxygen flowing into my non-functional lungs, filling the alveolar surfaces, binding on red blood cells, flowing to my imaginary heart, supplying my impervious-to-damage cells with the energy to replenish, repair, regenerate.
Focusing on the mechanics of oxygen exchange helped take away the ever-present lust for blood. It was but a moment, but it was something.
She watched me studying her neck, but to her credit, she didn't flinch. In fact, she turned her head slightly, affording me an indecently vulnerable view of her sweet spot.
"What are you doing," I murmured, my body crouching near her without my consent.
With each inch toward Bella that I gained, I could smell her. Stronger. Saltier. Closer. I never got this close to women without touching them. I never had a reason to. It was as though I was watching from a safe distance as the bloodlust propelled my actions. Or was it sex lust? Bella lust? I realized I couldn't discern a difference.
Worse, I didn't care.
Something was happening here, and I knew what it was. I had witnessed it enough over the years.
I made sense of it, even if my vampire side scoffed at the idea.
I wanted her.
In more ways than one.
Which way was strongest? I'd have to find out.
Finally, my body and head reconciled, and together they leaned in. Her blood scent got stronger, and I could feel the tremor in the air as she shivered, the waves of Bella crashing into my nose and mouth, pulling me in. I balled my hands, squeezing so that I felt my skin stretching over my knuckles. I should have stopped; I wanted to stop and wanted to never leave that very spot.
"Edward, what are you-" she breathed, her voice catching on my name. Like that, I came to. I paused, my nose mere centimeters from the neck muscle that seemed to be pulling me in. A thrill had passed through me when she said my name; I liked how she exhaled it, wondering how it would sound when passing through her lips in passion. Without moving my head, I glanced at her face; her eyes were closed again, head still tilted to the side. Her lips were parted slightly, my thin shirt crinkling between her breasts as her chest moved with ever-increasing breaths.
"I'm sorry," I murmured into her neck, wanting desperately to bite her there. Maybe for real, maybe for pleasure- both would be fun, but both seemed wrong. "I find you so… frustrating." Frustrating because I simply didn't know how to conduct myself.
"That's not what I expected you to say," she laughed, pretending to be offended. She made to move her head back, so I gave her room but didn't change position. My face was now next to her ear, her tangled hair tickling my own uncombed mess.
"What, then? Beautiful? Enchanting?" She laughed at that, the music of it like Chopin dripping off of my fingers and onto a keyboard.
"Well, that might have been lovely, but we'll never know, now. Will we?" She was using her teasing voice, and I locked that information into my growing store of knowledge on this girl. She responded to uncomfortable situations with sarcasm. It was endearing and so very human.
"No, we won't," I said, a bit of regret in my voice. She turned her face toward me, looking serious as she tried to decipher my tone.
"Why do I frustrate you?" she asked, pulling in the corner of her lip, the soft sucking sound of her chewing making me want to find out what her lip tasted like.
I considered her question for a moment, deciding to tell her the truth. It might be liberating, really, letting someone who wasn't Alice or Carlisle or any Cullen in on my little secret. I felt like I could trust Bella, even if she were technically "the enemy".
"Because I can't hear your thoughts," I said, looking directly into her eyes, letting her know that I was serious. I didn't want her to think that I would ever deceive her. I had a feeling she would know the truth, anyway. This girl seemed capable of seeing through all of the little falsehoods life had to offer. Maybe that was why I was so drawn to her.
She pondered my revelation for a moment before responding. "Mind-reader, hmm? I guess they weren't exaggerating that, then," she said, and I was floored that she accepted it so readily. Then again, this girl had known from an early age that those things that went bump in the night were real, so maybe my surprise was unwarranted. I laughed then, a very hearty, very real laugh. She wasn't scared of me- the vampire me, or the mind reader me. Fascinating!
"What's so funny?" she asked, looking adorably confused as she sat up straighter. I was disappointed that she had leaned away from me, so I leaned in again, my nose brushing the hairs on the side of her face. I felt heat emanating from her skin, and while I wanted to touch it, I didn't. I wanted her to be the one who touched me.
"You are a delightful person, do you know that?" I breathed onto her skin purposefully, enjoying the shiver that rippled down her neck. She started breathing heavily again, her heart racing, and I immediately stopped forcing myself on her. No vampire tricks. I had to stop it. I wanted her to want me on her own.
"You're not too shabby yourself," she said, her voice weak. She was leaning toward me, her skin coming closer, and it was all I could do to quell the dark urges rising up from the lower half of my body when she finally, purposefully brushed her cheek against my nose.
Hot, seering, white. A jolt; a shock. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. The combination of her everything- the oil in her skin, the heat; the tickle and the tension. I was on fire, in the best of ways; I wanted to fuck her, I wanted to love her. I wanted to pick her up and run far away, make her mine, make me hers. Make us Us. Good God, if I had but known that something like this existed, I would have crushed everything that dared stand in my way to dust to get to it.
And like that, it all came crashing down on me.
She wasn't mine to have.
She was my enemy. Well, she represented my enemy.
She was a human. A living, breathing, blood-generating human. Delicious and sultry and full of life.
I couldn't take that from her. I wouldn't. The dark in me was screaming that I had no choice, but I wouldn't accept that.
There was always a choice.
There had to be.
It amazed me that the inhuman cry that was wailing throughout my body went unheard in that meadow; it had all happened so fast, yet felt like ages. I couldn't even see her reaction as I did what I had to do.
I ran.