Trigger Warning: This chapter may contains mention of drug abuse, suicide, physical abuse, rape as well as emotional abuse

„I will never go on a hike again in my life." Ana groaned while she was on the sofa with Christian each of them with their feet in the other one's lap getting a much-needed foot massage.

„I hate to say it, but it was your idea, Ana." Christian replied dryly. Their hike had started out great until about two hours in they realized that they had gone off the trail and neither of them knew how to get back on the damn trail. All in all their three-hour hike had turned into a seven-hour nightmare and just twenty minutes before they had reached the house it had started to rain leaving them looking and feeling like two drowned rats by the time they had finally gotten back to the house.

„I know... oh my God, I will have to wear flats for the entire week, no way will I even think about wearing heels." She got out while her phone started to vibrate again.

„Take the call, Ana." Christian said.

„No, no phones, remember?"

„Someone has called you twenty times at least, maybe it's important, please take the call." He encouraged her, so she got her phone.

„Yes?"

„Finally, why aren't you answering your phone, Ana?"

„Sorry Gideon, this was supposed to be a phone free weekend."

„Oh... sorry... can you sit down?"

„I'm already sitting, why?"

„Angus did a final sweep of Hyde's place on Friday, he found a key to a storage unit and went there this morning." Gideon said and Ana felt faint.

„Did he find something?" She finally asked quietly.

„Yes, we found it, Ana. It's over."

„Say that again?"

„We found it."

„I... I... can't, I need to... can I call you later."

„Yes, is Grey with you?"

„Yes." She whispered as the first tears started to fall down her face.

„Ok, just talk to him and I will call you tomorrow... if you need me, no matter what time it is call me." Gideon said and they ended the call.

„Ana, what happened?" Christian asked and she surprised him by jumping into his arms and holding onto him for dear life while she was sobbing her eyes out.

He had no idea what had happened or how to handle this situation other than to hold her until finally, she had composed herself a little bit.

„Talk to me, Ana... what happened?"

„It's over." She whispered still crying.

„Over? What do you mean, what is over?" He asked her and she looked at him.

„Do you still want to know why I disappeared?" She asked and he stiffened but nodded. So, he sat down with her and she took his hand in hers.

„That day when Jack told me about the conference in New York, I knew you would say no and you did, but I really wanted to go. I thought it would help me with my career and I didn't want to tell my boss no. I knew Jack was bad news, he just had this vibe about himself, but I thought I could handle him. I also knew that you would be pissed but I just stupidly thought I would deal with it when I'm back and that by that time you also had time to get over it." She said still trying to stop crying and get her breathing under control.

„Do you know that I went after you... I arrived at the hotel just minutes after you had left." He told her.

„No, I didn't know that." She whispered.

„Ana, what happened in the two hours you were in your hotel room?" He asked and could see her trying her hardest to keep it together.

„While I was getting the luggage at the airport he wanted to get us something to drink because they were out of everything without alcohol on the plane because it had been late in Seattle so they didn't have time to restock. He waited outside the luggage area for me, handed me a cup of lemonade and we took a cab. By the time we reached the hotel, I wasn't feeling well, but I just told myself it was the flight and knowing that you would be mad at me, so we got our keys and went to our rooms. Upstairs I was so dizzy that Jack offered to help my carry my bag into the room for me. I just laid down and he told me that he would get me some water and call a doctor if I was still not feeling well after laying down for a while. About two minutes later I knew what was happening. During orientation in college there was a meeting from a sorority and Kate wanted us to attend it, it was not about joining them but to bring awareness to issues on the campus... girls getting drugged especially." Ana whispered and tried to fight back the urge to vomit while she was recalling the single most terrifying and scarring moments of her life.

„He drugged you?" Christian murmured horrified.

„Yes, he used a date rape drug... the kind where the person it has been given to is fully aware of everything that is happening but can't move. It felt like being trapped in my own body... I wanted to scream, fight him... anything but there was nothing I could do." She said as the tears started to fall from her eyes again, but now that she had started she needed to tell Christian everything because she knew if she stopped now she wouldn't have the strength to continue later.

„He didn't stop until the effect of what he had given to me slowly started to wear off. Jack got up, got dressed and came back to the bed... he... he was holding a camera he had sat up while I already couldn't move. He told me if I would ever tell you what had happened he would release the tape and send it to everyone I know... my family, friends, everyone at work... that I would never be able to prove that it was rape because the drug would be out of my system before I could get a blood sample taken and that he would edit everything to make it look like I'm just really boring in bed." She said and stopped when Christian got up and punched the wall.

„Oh my god, did you hurt yourself?" She gasped checking his hand.

„I'm fine... god damn it, I want to murder that son of a bitch..."

„He is dead that's why I felt safe to come home." She admitted.

„Why didn't you come to me, Ana?" He asked and sat down with her again.

„When I could move again, all I wanted was to get out of there... away from Jack... so I took my suitcase and just left the hotel. I was too scared to turn my phone on, I knew that you could track it and didn't know if Jack would be able to track my phone too. So, in the end, I threw it into the Hudson River and then... I don't even know what I was thinking, but I found myself thinking about jumping off that bridge and that's how Lola found me."

„Your former roommate?" Christian asked.

„Yes, she was on her evening run and saw me on the bridge. She just knew what I was thinking about, I was shaking, still a bit unsteady on my legs and a sobbing mess. She told me I couldn't stay there all alone in the condition I was in, she offered to get me to the hospital, but I refused because I was too scared no one would believe me what happened, so she took me to her place. She never asked me what happened, but the girls made sure I wasn't alone and would eat at least a little bit every day. I guess they all kind of knew what had happened to me but they didn't want to force me into talking about it. At first, I didn't know what to do, I just sat in what later became my bedroom and tried to figure out what to do."

„Why didn't you call me, baby?" He asked and she looked at her hands.

„I felt so ashamed... you told me not to go to New York and I didn't listen, I stupidly thought I could handle Jack when I couldn't because I never even thought about him doing something like that. I thought about coming back home, but I knew neither you nor my parents or Kate would just believe me that nothing happened and I didn't want to lie... no one would have believed me anyway when it was so obvious at the time that something terrible had happened to me. But I knew I couldn't tell anyone, especially you. You would have confronted Jack and he would have released that tape and I... I couldn't have that happen because I never wanted you to see what he has done to me. I'm so, so sorry, I ruined everything because I was stupid and naive and made all the wrong choices." She sobbed and he pulled her into his arms.

„Hush, it's alright... he is dead, Ana... he will never hurt you again." He whispered into her ear, while he continued to just hold her.

Inside, however, he was furious. He thought with him already suspecting that Hyde had raped her, he was better prepared for the moment when she was finally told him the truth, but he wasn't prepared at all. To hear what that sick bastard had done to her made him want to find a way to bring Hyde back to life, just so he could murder him again and it not in a quick way, he wanted to torture him, slowly bring him to the brink of death just to allow him to recover a bit so he could start all over again.

„Are you mad at me?" Ana asked after a long while of her just crying in his arms.

„What... Ana, how could you think that I would be mad at you?"

„Because it's all my fault..."

„No, stop, please, Ana... please do not blame yourself for what has happened to you. Yes, you went on that trip when I told you, you shouldn't go, but you damn sure as hell did not ask to be drugged and raped... it's not your fault, do you understand?"

„But it is... no matter how I look at it, I brought this on myself and it's not just me... I hurt you and Kate... and I just know that Jack didn't stop after what he did to me..."

„No, no, baby... please don't do this to yourself. Yes, I was hurt when you left without any explanation but in hindsight it also did me a lot of good, it made me question everything in my life, it made me understand what Elena was doing to me and allowed me not just to rid myself of her, but also to grow so much closer to my family... and I even found a good friend in Kate. I have learned to look for the positive in everything and not dwell on the negative. And you know what is most important?"

„No."

„You came back to me."

„It's all I could think of in all the time I was in New York. All I wanted was to be able to come back and then when Jack died I knew I could come back to Seattle and see you." She confessed.

„Why didn't you tell me then what had happened."

„Because it took Gideon and his team until today to find the tape." She said and he tensed.

„They have it?"

„Yes, that's what Gideon told me on the phone. I couldn't tell you everything while I still had to fear that someone else would find it first and I didn't want you to be the one who finds it. I'm sorry..."

„Stop with the apologies, Ana. I know you feel like you have to apologize, but I'm not mad or hurt or in need of an apology. All I need is to have you in my life happy and healthy, so we need to work on getting you back to be happy. Have you seen someone to help you work through this?"

„No, I saw someone for my eating disorder but never brought up what happened with Jack, Gideon wanted me to talk about it, but I can't... I just... I"

„What is it, Ana, why do you feel like you can't find a therapist to help you with this?"

„Because I know it's my own fault." She whispered and he wanted to tell her again that it wasn't but he knew that she had had four years to convince herself that what fucking Hyde had done to her was own fault, so she needed way more support to get through this than just him telling her it wasn't her fault.

„Do your parents know what happened?"

„No, my God, telling Ray would have been the same as telling you... I told them I was just overwhelmed with everything and needed a fresh start. They weren't happy, but I told them if they would tell anyone where I am I would just disappear again."

„Why did you tell, Cross?" Christian asked wondering why she trusted him when she apparently hadn't told anyone else.

„When we became friends he noticed some odd behaviors."

„What kind of odd behaviors?"

„Mainly that I will not drink anything unless I watched the drink being mixed or it is in a sealed bottle, that I told him I couldn't go anywhere with him where there was even the slightest chance of my picture being in the news due to him. Me not being able to eat... it was just a combination of a lot of things. One night he asked me if I was in danger, I told him that I didn't know for a fact and he insisted on me telling him, there is more that led to me actually telling him, but that is not my story to tell... so I told him and he made sure that I couldn't be found by anyone unless I chose to be found, which allowed me to life with a little less fear... he helped me to eat again... and with him helping me I had hope again that one day I could come home, which is why I stopped to... that I didn't... I..."

„That you didn't do what, baby?" He asked holding both her hands in his.

„I was very suicidal at the time... it was like a constant nagging voice in my head that kept telling me to just end it... I had dreams about cutting my wrists open... taking pills... even jumping in front of a train... it was a horrible time." She said quietly and he pulled her in his arms.

„You are not thinking about it now, aren't you?"

„No, and I haven't thought about it in almost three years. It's a permanent solution to a temporary issue as Gideon would always tell me. Plus, I made the choices that led to everything that has happened... so I have to deal with the consequences." She said and Christian absolutely hated to hear her talk like that.

She was acting as if she invited Hyde to drug and rape her when she most certainly had not done that. Still, she was blaming herself for a stupid decision she made years ago. Yes, it had horrible consequences for herself and the people who cared deeply about her, but she was not to blame for it. Everywhere on earth female assistants accompanied their male boss' on business trips and 99 percent of them will never go through any kind of sexual harassment because of it, so of course, she felt safe on the trip and confident that she could shut down some unwanted attention.

„Ana, I would like for us to stay here one more day. I feel like it would be good for you to have a day to relax after everything that has happened today." He told her but she shook her head.

„No, I can't I have to work and I can't just take time off, I've created this mess, now I have to live with it..." She said and he had to take a deep breath so he wouldn't yell at her but then she surprised him again.

„Christian, all I want you to know is that I will try my best to make it up to you... that I left, that I made sure you wouldn't find me, hurting you, I promise I can make it up to you." She said and he was shocked... she thought she had to grovel to win him back... after everything she had just shared with him she thought about making this better for him and not herself.

He had no idea how to handle this. How was he supposed make her see that she was not to blame for what had happened to her and he knew he needed to talk to Flynn about it to get some advice on how to help her get over those feelings she obviously had been keeping for the past four years without getting any proper help.

In this moment, however, he knew all he could do was to hold her and make sure that she understood that he didn't feel any different about her after hearing what had happened to her...