Sophia. There she lay. Walkers all around her. All of them had died their second death and she was among them. Dead. Twice over. I tried to block what it must have been like to be her from my mind. Scared. Alone. Bitten. She was so young. She wasn't ready to die. This wasn't fair. I knew how much this meant to, well everyone―except Shane. If we could have found this little girl alive, there would have been hope for the group. Not only had we lost her, we were kicked while we were down to find her as a walker. I tried to hurry away from the scene quickly and Rick met my eye. Somehow, I sensed that he needed someone to talk to. I motioned with his head for him to follow me. I got into the driver seat of the green car and he followed. I started the engine and pulled out of the driveway. He needed to be alone and share his thoughts with someone. I knew that this was a lot to handle. Rick Grimes, a father, had just put the bullet in the head of a once living twelve year-old girl. This was not something a normal human should have to live through.

"She's been there the whole time," he broke the silence that had consumed the air around us, shock evident in his voice.

"I know," I replied, chewing on my lip.

"That could've been Carl."

"But it wasn't."

"But it could've been," he frowned. I reached over, gripping his hand tightly.

"Rick, look at me, I know you," I pulled the car onto the shoulder. "You're going to sit there and blame yourself, but you cannot do that. You're a decent human being and this is not your fault. You did everything you could. Sophia was not prepared for this world. Something we all need to work on is making ourselves prepared. Carl is on the road to being able to handle himself. That should be your focus," I gave him a small smile and he hung his head slightly. "Rick Grimes, you stop it right now! I mean it. My Grandma Jean would slap you silly if she knew you were beating yourself up so much. Stop it!" I also knew how he what he was feeling because I was very similar. I wished I had been out there looking for her much sooner. Like right when it happened. Maybe then she would have stood a chance against the walkers. I could not stop thinking about what had happened to her. Had she turned and then Hershel caught her? Had she snuck into the barn, looking for haven? Either way, she died scared and alone. She did not deserve such a death.

"Sadie, I can't be their leader. Not when shit like this happens."

"They picked you as their leader. You have a good heart and you can handle this," I squeezed his hand with my own and he finally looked up to meet my eyes. He looked almost defeated. Where the hell was the fire in his eyes? He needed that fire to take on the rest of this shitty world in which we all lived.

"You should be the leader. You're smart and brave," he told me. He was so different from any Rick Grimes I had ever seen.

"I lack the people skills for the job," I laughed uneasily, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and I knew it was coming. Before it even happened, I knew what he was going to do. I had the chance to stop him and maybe I should have, but I didn't. His lips touched to mine ever so gently and I kissed him back. I did this because I wanted to. I wanted to be close like this to someone. I hadn't bothered to sort out if I felt anything more for Rick than what I always had. I just wanted to share a kiss with someone. That was the only way I could justify my actions.

"I'm sorry," he said right after.

"I wanted you to," I shrugged. "Even though it shouldn't have happened."

"Lori's pregnant."

He was lucky I already knew. "I know."

"How do you know?" he asked, looking at me slightly angry.

"Maggie swore me to secrecy. She and Glenn got her the test. And the morning after pills."

"You knew about those too? And you didn't tell me?" he asked, progressively getting more angry.

"Rick, what was I supposed to you! You fucking know me, okay? I don't get involved in other people's shit. I don't exactly what to be a part of the you/Lori/Shane shit that's happening."

"There is not Shane in this equation. There is Lori and I, me and my wife."

"Yeah, that's why you're out here kissing some other woman," I snapped.

"That's not fair, Sadie, and you know it."

"Why the hell not? Because you can get pissed at me over something but I can't react the same to you. You and your double standard bull shit. Same with you getting pissed at Lori and Shane when we basically did the same thing!"

"Those are two different things!" and they were. I knew that. I wasn't stupid. I was just a defensive asshole. Rick still loved his wife. That was why I couldn't sort out if there was another reason I wanted to kiss him. I didn't want to go after a married man. I wasn't a complete savage. Even if all I ended up wanting was a good fuck. He was still a married man.

"Let's just get back to the farm," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Why do you do that? Shut down like that?"

"Because I have to," I said.

"Or what? You afraid you might feel something for someone?"

"Rick, we are not having this discussion. You're clearly still married, oh and you have a baby on the way."

"Might not even be mine," he grumbled.

"And what's the alternative to it being yours? Shane raising a baby! Ha! That's almost as bad as me being a mother!" I pulled into the farm and quickly exited the car, slamming the door. I really didn't know where to go or what to do. There were people everywhere. All I wanted was to be alone. Away from people who would ask me stupid questions and piss me off.

I hurried to the tent I was still sharing with my brother, grabbed my things and went over to Daryl's camp―which he had moved a few more paces away.

"I need a place to sleep," I said, dropping my bag. He barely even looked up.

"'M sure they got room in the RV."

"Yeah, asshole, I'm aware they probably have room in there. But Andrea sleeps there. No thanks. I'd rather sleep near your smelly ass. Do you ever bathe?"

"Ya done tryin' ta piss me off yet?"

"You done being a pain in the ass yet?" I countered. He rolled his eyes at my childishness.

"Ya touch any of my shit an' ya can go stay with Andrea."

"Sounds like a plan, man," I said, tossing my bag into the tent.

XxX

"Where's all yer shit?" Shane asked as I walked towards the tents later that day―after the barn clean up. That was what he was concerned about? Not how he had released the walkers from the barn?

"Daryl's tent," I said.

"Ya think sleepin' with him is gonna keep ya safe?" he asked.

What was his problem? We used to get a long. A little bit, at least. "It sure worked for Lori," I snapped. I knew, I was being an asshole. I had just kissed Rick. I was practically the same as my brother. I was a fucking hypocrite. But whatever...nobody knew about Rick and I kissing so that made it okay, right? No. Fuck. Why was I trying to kid myself. I was an asshole home wrecker just like Shane. No, I was worse. I knew that pregnant Lori was alive and well. Fuck me. I felt like a whore. Why did I let that happen?

"Sadie―"

"Save it, okay? Your concern for my life is unhealthy. I'm a grown ass adult. Worry about your pregnant ex-lover," I said, walking off.

AN: I felt inspired. Even though I'm not feelin' too much love from all of you :( I'd love to read some reviews. I might give you some early [Insert gift giving December holiday of your choice] gifts. Thanks!

There are plenty of things to bring up in this chapter...Rick kissing Sadie, Sadie moving in with Daryl, Shane's typical asshole actions. Your choice!