"Krkrkrkrkr!"
"Good morning, Perry!"
Phineas jumped out of bed and began feeding the fish in his headboard tank, but Perry and Ferb rose more slowly. Poor Ferb looked as though he hadn't gotten much sleep. As he stretched his tail and spine, Perry carefully watched the boy out of one eye. Ferb climbed out of bed in his normal manner, meaning there had been no nocturnal incidents keeping him awake. The boy must have been thinking.
Perry had slept surprisingly well. His nemesis was healing, his boys didn't suspect a thing, and (in the unlikely event that she had any suspicions in the first place) Vanessa had done well in keeping his secret.
Vanessa was the only loose end left in the equation.
Piecing together what had happened at the hospital had been surprisingly difficult. Phineas and Ferb had had another Big Idea that Ferb had missed; that much was obvious. Phineas couldn't stop telling his brother about all the fun he had skipped.
"That light show you programmed was spectacular! You should have seen the way the lights shimmered on the crystal disco balls! And there were no glitches in the mental plug in! Everyone at the Imaginary Party had a blast! It's too bad you missed it, Ferb. You always make a party more interesting. We could have used you as a DJ!"
Their invention sounded really cool, and Perry hadn't been surprised to learn that a nurse had begged the boy to let the hospital keep it as a way to boost morale and communicate with comatose patients. Giving people the opportunity to live and interact in a dreamlike reality was remarkable. The mind-meld capabilities were truly spectacular, and the breakthrough would have made less generous inventors billionaires. Perry looked forward to entering the designs into his private files on the OWCA network later in the morning.
Aside from the Imaginary Party, Perry didn't know much about what had happened. Candace had tried to bust Phineas, but gotten caught up in the fanfare. And he knew Ferb had stayed with Vanessa. Perry didn't know more than that. Vanessa had said she and Ferb didn't "talk about anything important." Perry wondered what that meant.
The entire Flynn-Fletcher family had gone overboard in pampering their monotreme last night. Linda had heated up a can of tuna as a special hot treat, and Lawrence engaged him in a friendly game of tug-of-war. Even Candace, when alone, had taken a few minutes to sit at the foot of the stairs and pet the "meatbrick." The special attention had done at lot to calm Perry's nerves. He had really needed the support of a relaxing evening, though obviously not for the reason the Flynn-Fletchers had suspected.
After their homework was done, the boys had given Perry a bath. Ferb had been the one to towel Perry dry while Phineas put the supplies away. He had checked to make sure the monotreme was suffering no side effects from nearly choking and experiencing the Heimlich Maneuver before cuddling with his pet. He held Perry close and snuggled for a good fifteen minutes before Phineas had come to see what they were doing and join in, and Ferb had only said one thing the entire time.
"I just love her so much…"
That sentence said a lot, but nothing specific enough for Perry to latch onto. Apparently Ferb didn't consider their conversation to have been about "nothing important," but Ferb's definition of important could easily be different from Vanessa's.
Poor lovesick kid. Perry hoped Ferb got over it soon. Everyone's lives would be so much easier.
Both boys were now dressed and ready for school. They were tinkering with an old fashioned motor as they waited for their mother and Candace to get ready. Perry enjoyed watching them play together and tried not to think of them getting older. Ferb had already hit the early stages of puberty, and Phineas couldn't be too far behind.
Perry hoped they wouldn't grow apart as they grew up.
"Boys, come get some waffles!" Linda called from the kitchen.
"Waffles with doonkleberries on top?" Phineas called as the two boys ran down the stairs.
The sun was rising higher, but it didn't bother Perry. He closed his eyes and relaxed on the S.S. Phineas until the boys had finished eating. They ran upstairs to grab their book bags, and Perry followed them back down to the lower level. Fresh food and water waited for him in the kitchen. Perry watched his children scuffle out the door ("Be careful with your food!" Phineas had warned) before turning his attention to the grub.
The one bad thing about accepting social invitations from Heinz was that Perry's taste buds had been ruined. For the first two years of his life, Perry had eaten nothing but platypus food, the occasional piece of butter-free popcorn, and cans of tuna. He had thought nothing of it. But after being Heinz's nemesis for six months, he had finally relented and shared a snack with the scientist. He had never tasted people food before, Heinz wasn't doing anything evil that day, and the marvelous chocolate cookies had smelled too wonderful to turn down. Perry had gotten carried away and eaten so many that he was sick later that night.
And he had ended up being trapped inside a giant glass measuring cup.
Perry liked the platypus food alright. It provided great sustenance, and it was very nutritious. However, it wasn't near as exciting as the treats Heinz would share with him. Perry hoped that Heinz and Vanessa would offer him leftovers from Linda's meal last night. After five years of smelling, it would be nice to taste the same food his boys normally ate.
Once he had eaten, Perry found a lair entrance through the refrigerator. He shivered slightly as he moved toward his chair to store the data on Phineas and Ferb's most recent inventions. He had procrastinated a bit lately, and he had a weeks worth of blueprint scans to sort and file. It was a good time killer. He didn't want to arrive at the hospital too early.
After uploading the documents, Perry still felt it was too early to leave his lair. Heinz and Vanessa both needed rest after the events of yesterday and Perry didn't want to disturb them.
Perry decided to make a list of some of the things Heinz needed to do or ask. The poor man needed supervision in even the most ordinary of circumstances, and couldn't be expected to think ahead enough to work through these issues without help. Charlene wasn't in town to assist him, and now that the woman had remarried Heinz needed to be weaned away from her support. Perry didn't want the burden to fall on Vanessa. She had enough to deal with without having to take on adult responsibilities like paying bills and making legal connections. No, it was Perry who needed to step into the role of helpmeet and make sure Heinz kept his affairs in order.
Perry couldn't do these things for Heinz. But he could make sure Heinz did them, and help wherever he could. After all, the smoother things went, the sooner Heinz would get better. And the sooner Heinz regained his health, the sooner they could return to the moments when they didn't get along.
He took out his notepad and made a to-do-list.
Contact Norm
Contact your regular doctor
Contact your insurance company
Ensure you won't be late on any payments- Don't lose your building again!
Ask about the compatibility of medications
Ask when you can schedule medical appointments
Determine with Charlene & Vanessa when she should return to school
Cancel next week's LOVEMUFFIN meeting (or request a change of venue)
At 9:00 Perry decided there was enough on the list to start out. He hopped into his favorite winter rocket car and departed for Tri-State Regional.
From the rooftop he made his way down to Room 118, ignoring the looks various members of the staff gave him. Heinz and Vanessa would treat him like a person, and that was all that mattered. As he approached, Perry could hear voices coming from inside.
"-without the cumbersome shackles of sentimental introspec—"
"Dad?"
"Yes, Vanessa?"
"I know you get a kick out of reading to me like old times, but are you sure this isn't wearing you out?"
"I had a heart attack, not a throat attack. Don't worry, pumpkin, I could go on talking for hours."
"That I believe." Perry could hear the smile behind the words from his place in the hallway.
"You know, the information in this book will be very helpful to you if you follow in my eeevil footsteps! Who knows, you could be the head of LOVEMUFFIN one day!"
"Would that even be allowed? I thought it was the 'MR. LOVEMUFFIN' Pageant."
"Times are changing, sweetheart! Every year there are more and more evil opportunities for women! The olden days when ladies could do nothing but be hench wenches are long over! You could help destroy the glass ceiling, Vanessa!"
"Dad, you're the only evil scientist with a daughter. And all the boys in the 'next generation' either dislike me or like me way too much to ever consider letting me be the leader."
"Yeah, well right now they're teenage boys. Teenage boys are idiots."
"I just don't think that will- oh, hi Perry!"
"Ah, Perry the Platypus! It's so good to see you! And by 'good to see you' I actually do mean 'good to see you!' I missed you last night! Thanks for bringing all this stuff."
Heinz's bed and side table were littered with things from the DEI Building. He had surrounded himself with Perry's "gifts" much like a child would on Christmas Morning. The Wexler book was open on his lap. Heinz was wearing the purple robe over the lab coat over the hospital gown. He looked a bit ridiculous.
Vanessa was curled up on her own bed, wearing a loose fitting Scraping Fangs T-Shirt and cotton shorts. Perry had never seen her in her nightwear before. She smiled at him as she climbed out of bed. Perry noticed her eyes flicker over to the platypus balloon tied to Heinz's bed.
"I'm going to go change. I'll be back out in a bit." She grabbed her purple bag and her cosmetics case and departed for the bathroom.
"Perry the Platypus, I saved you a seat!" Heinz patted the one spot on his bed that wasn't covered with junk. There was one tiny free space, the spot where Perry had sat yesterday when he held Heinz's hand, and it was just big enough for the monotreme to sit comfortably. Perry rolled his eyes, but jumped up to claim his spot just the same.
"Did you see this?" Heinz pointed at the balloon. Perry nodded. "He was here when I woke up. I haven't decided whether I want to call him Platyloon or Balloonypus. I guess it depends on whether or not I can find a tiny little helium hat. 'Perry the Platyloon' sounds better than 'Perry the Balloonypus,' don't you think?"
Heinz should know better than to expect Perry to have an opinion on such a stupid issue. Perry folded his arms looked up at him incredulously.
"Okay, I guess that question was a bit awwwwkward. Let's blame that on the medication and move on. Okay, Perry the Platypus?" Perry tilted his head slightly before giving the man a curt nod.
"Good. So anyway, I've been looking through all the things you brought. You make being in the hospital much less boring. It's nice. So, what do you want to dooo?" Maybe the medication really was getting to Heinz. Perry pulled out the to-do-list he had made and gave it to the scientist.
After reading the first few lines, Heinz huffed and tossed the piece of paper onto the nearby table. "It's too eeaarly to work, Perry the Platypus. You just got here and you want to get down to business? It isn't even ten yet! Can't we do something a little fun first?"
Perry sighed. Heinz was going to need a lot of pushing. However, the monotreme decided that there was no harm in relaxing for a while. He had just arrived. Perry looked at the scientist inquisitively, wondering what the man could have in mind.
"Oooh! I know!" Heinz reached for a photo album. "Have I ever showed you these pictures? Come sit here so you can see!" Heinz started rearranging the piles by his side, creating a spot for Perry to sit beside him and view the puzzle box and sketchbooks clattered on the floor.
Perry hesitated. Now that Heinz was out of immediate danger, he was a bit more reluctant to sit so close. But Heinz looked so eager and enthusiastic, rearranging his pillows so that Perry could use one as a seat and leafing through the pages, that Perry couldn't refuse. Perry moved into the place by Heinz's side, the fluffy pillow giving him enough height to see the pictures easily.
"I think this is a Halloween album! Oh look! Vanessa is three years old!" Vanessa was scowling at the camera, wearing a black cat costume and carrying a pumpkin bucket. "She was such a cute black kitty! She spent the entire night growling and hissing at people instead of saying 'Trick or Treat!' It was so precious."
There were at least ten pages of Black Cat Vanessa before they came upon pictures of Zombie Vanessa, followed by Witch Vanessa and Dinosaur Vanessa, sometimes accompanied by either Heinz or Charlene. Perry wondered if the child was really as disagreeable as her frowning images would indicate, or if she had simply always hated having her picture taken. There were pictures of her smiling, but they were candid shots where she didn't know she was being photographed.
It was fun watching Heinz light up at certain memories and point out all the little details.
At the end of the album there were pictures of a nine year old Vanessa. "This was the year her Great Aunt Adelheid came to visit my parents from Drusselstein and brought her a pretty pink princess costume to wear. She refused. You see, Vanessa wanted to be the Queen of the Vampires that year. My mother was so mad at me for not making my baby girl wear the princess outfit. Said I had insulted Aunt Adelheid's honor or hurt her feeelings or something."
The last few pages of the book were devoted to Vanessa in a black and red dress with a silver skull crown and fake Vampire teeth. When they had viewed the last picture, Heinz shut the book and sighed.
"Looking back, I'm really glad I ignored my mother and let her choose her costume. You see, Perry the Platypus, the next year she refused to go trick or treating at all. Said it was for babies and that she was too old. She stayed home at her mother's house and handed out candy to all the other kids." Heinz reached for a different album.
It was sad. For as long as he had known her, Vanessa had shown a burning desire to be grown up and independent. To be completely self reliant. And sometimes she would give up on the funner sides of childhood to accomplish that goal. Candace was fifteen and still went trick or treating with her younger brothers. Vanessa had stopped when she was ten. Younger than Phineas was now.
"Dad! Why are you showing him old baby pictures?!" Vanessa was fully dressed in her usual attire, but was toweling her hair dry as she approached.
"They aren't baaaby pictures, sweetheart. You're almost ten years old in this album."
"It's embarrassing! Besides, Perry isn't interested in seeing old pictures of me."
"You think so? He didn't seem to mind."
It was true. While Perry would never request that Heinz show family pictures, he certainly didn't dislike them. He was genuinely fond of Vanessa, and he could see how happy Heinz was when someone was interested in seeing his photograph collection. They also helped him better understand Heinz's family. All of the pictures Perry had just seen had been taken before his egg had ever been laid. It was nice to see visual proof of non-traumatic back stories.
"He's being polite, Dad. You're boring him. You know, last week Mom tried to show Sam some old pictures and bored him out of his mind. He kept making up excuses until it got to the point where he had to flat out tell Mom he wasn't interested in seeing them. Perry doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're sick."
"Alright, alright. I'll put the pictures away." Heinz mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously similar to "Perry the Platypus is way cooler than Sam" as he shoved the albums away. Both Perry and Vanessa pretended they hadn't heard him.
"Okay, sweetheart. What do you suggest we do?"
"Hmmm. Well, maybe we could-"
"Hallo, Vanessa."
The three occupants of Room 118 turned toward the door. There stood Heinz's mother, wearing a traveling cloak and giving her granddaughter a weak smile. She entered the room with an air of impatience.
"…Good morning, Oma." Vanessa's grandmother gave the girl a quick, halfhearted one armed hug before taking off her cloak. She then walked to the end of Heinz's bed and removed the top blanket without a word, knocking most of Heinz's possessions to the floor, and used it to cover the stained chair so that she could sit down. Once seated, she looked over at her oldest son.
"Aren't you going to say something, Heinz? Where are your manners? I came all this way to visit and you are ungrateful."
"….Hi, Mom."
There was an uncomfortable pause as Mrs. Doofenshmirtz straightened her dress. Neither Heinz nor Vanessa seemed to know what to say.
"So, um, have I ever properly introduced you to my nemesis? Perry the Platypus, this is my mother. Mother, this is Perry the Platypus." Perry managed to remember to tip his hat. They had seen each other at the Doofenshmirtz family reunion. It seemed everyone but Vanessa and Charlene (who hadn't seen him, somehow) had glanced at him in surprise before realizing he was with Heinz and ignoring him.
"Yes, yes. I've seen your schnabeltier. So Heinz, tell me of your condition. How are you faring?"
Heinz seemed surprised and pleased that his mother had asked about his welfare. He launched into a long, waffling rant about falling in his lab and stents and how he couldn't be thwarted for at least four weeks. It was obvious he enjoyed having his mother's attention.
When Heinz finished talking, Mrs. Doofenshmirtz turned to Vanessa. "Schatz, could you find your Oma something to drink?" Vanessa hurried to the cooler in the corner and grabbed a juice box.
"Danke."
"Bitte." Vanessa turned to her father. "Dad, I'm going to go in the hallway for a bit. I haven't talked to Mom since yesterday."
"Oh, how is her honeymoon going? She and Sam looked like such a lovely couple at the wedding."
"Wait- YOU went to the wedding?" Heinz was flabbergasted.
"Of course. I've always liked Charlene."
"No one told me you were there!"
"Must have slipped my mind." Vanessa lied. It was obvious that Vanessa had deliberately kept this information from her father. "Alright, I'll be out in the hallway if you need me."
Perry wasn't sure what he should do. It was awkward to be alone with Heinz and his mother. As a Secret Agent, he didn't like interacting with people he didn't know, and Heinz's mother made him uncomfortable. But when he fidgeted on his pillow, Heinz looked down and have him that look. That pleading, "I don't care if you let me blow up tomorrow, just don't leave me alone right now" pitiful look. Perry settled back down into the pillow.
"She's such a beautiful little girl. Sometimes it is hard to believe she's yours."
"Yes, yes it is." The sincerity in Heinz's voice tugged at Perry's conscience.
"Does she have a serious beau? She didn't have a date at the wedding. She turned everyone down too, but one little green-headed schnitzel." Perry had to stifle a growl.
"I don't think she's seeing anyone right now."
"You should do more to encourage her. You know when I was her age I was already betrothed to your father."
"Yes, yes I know. But this is America. In the 21st Century. And she's only a junior in high school."
"If she could find a good husband she wouldn't need an education. You know, she would probably already have a beau if you made her dress like a lady. And I've been telling you for years to set up a dowry, but do you listen to your mother's advice?"
"Again: America. 21st Century." Heinz was grinding his teeth. Perry had a new found respect for Heinz, not letting his mother ruin Vanessa's life with her horrible child rearing ideologies.
"If Roger had a sixteen year old daughter, she would have a beau. I can't even imagine how pretty-"
"I've had enough of this conversation." Heinz folded his arms and looked very cross. No one but his mother would ever have been allowed to speak of Vanessa like that in his presence.
"So what have the doctors told you, Heinz?"
"I told you, they said-"
"No, no. I mean what caused it. Is it genetic? Or is it something you did to yourself?"
"They haven't said."
"Well, what do you think?"
"I don't know. Does it reeaaly matter?"
"Of course it matters! I hate to think this could happen again to my precious little boy."
Heinz's eyes watered a bit. "Do you really mean that, Mutter?"
"Of course. I'd hate for some genetic disease to ruin his chances of being Governor one day. Did you know your brother Roger might run for Governor after one more term as mayor?"
Heinz's eyes were now watering for a different reason.
"I'm not feeling so good. I think you should leave."
"Very well." Mrs. Doofenshmirtz stood and grabbed her cloak. "Do you have a message for your father?"
Father? Perry had always assumed the man was dead. He hadn't been at the Family Reunion, and Heinz never mentioned him in the present tense.
"No, no I don't. I haven't spoken to him for twelve years, and this situation hasn't changed my mind about anything."
"I'll tell him his son is stubborn and unforgiving."
"And he'll tell you I'm not his son."
They stared at each other for a moment. Heinz broke the eye contact first, glancing down at his subconsciously wringing hands.
"Get better soon, Heinz." the woman said faintly. With a swish of her cloak she was gone.
Perry and Heinz were alone for a total of three seconds before the man broke down, sobs wracking his body. He leaned forward to hug his knees. Perry gently rubbed the man's back.
"I'm such a dummkopf, Perry the Platypus. I thought she was talking about me. Why did I think she was talking about me?"
Perry chattered gently and continued patting the man on the back. To think, that woman was the better of two parents. Even if Perry had been capable of speaking, he would not have known what to say.