AN: The next two chapters will explain a few things but remember that everything is still not what it seems. HG has done some planning and scheming, taking things into her own hands regarding the LeStranges (how better to do that than with former Death Eaters in her home?). Warnings- abuse, miscarriage, mothering, episodes of PTSD, and language. Thanks for reading and those of you who have followed, favorite, and reviewed!
Chapter 10: Finally
A few weeks later, when Hermione finally dropped the wards and let Seamus and Severus back into the house, it was only because she'd figured out how best to bring the LeStranges into the open, working with Lucius, whom she'd sworn into secrecy through a wand oath; telling him of her plan hadn't been so easy, but she knew if she didn't take matters into her own hands, nothing would get done. Once she explained the contingency plan, he was willing to go along and do exactly as she asked. By the end of February, she would be completely ready to put her plan into motion and perhaps then Severus would be free of the compulsion charm and Lucius of house her hormones evened out and focusing on a particular plan helped her start to deal with the things she obviously hadn't.
She heard a door swiftly open and then slam.
"What did you think you were doing?" Severus asked as soon as Seamus let him know the wards had been dropped.
"Protecting my family. You were gone for over a month before and before that I didn't even know you were my own personal emotional thermometer and bodyguard, so don't act as though you not being here somehow made me less safe. Perhaps I was ready for the LeStrange brothers to strike so all this can be over." She didn't look at him, she carried the laundry to the laundry room and started a load then folded another, her mind consumed with his mouth on another woman's.
"This is probably the stu…"
"Don't you dare call me stupid. Don't you dare!" Hermione almost hexed him and he felt it.
"You are lucky Lucius has been working with me on strengthening my occlumency shields and soon it won't be an issue at all. I'll be back to work and so will you; it will all go back to normal." Hermione took the clothes with her to the nursery and then up the stairs to Albus' room, passing Lucius as she went, nodding to him in passing and leaning in as he kissed her cheek.
"You look radiant today, dove." Lucius had become quite protective and fatherly the longer he remained at Grimmauld Place, working with her to make her mind stronger, more pliable and less inclined to emotional outrage. It had taken her a full week to get her occlumency and legilimency up to standards she's only experienced at Hogwarts with Severus during his recovery.
"Your flattery will get you everywhere." She giggled, almost tripping on the stairs and hearing a snipped conversation between the two men at the bottom of the stairs. A few more weeks, that was all she needed and she'd be back; she'd be Hermione Granger, MLE officer, fighting for the equality of magical beings and living a life she wanted, relatively free of fear.
"Alby, we'll do history and herbology after lunch, okay?" Albus turned to her from his reading and nodded sweetly. He was looking more and more like his father as he grew and she loved it.
"I wasn't finished speaking with you. Can you please stop." Hermione looked to Severus and wondered if he'd bring up the date or whatever it was; this woman could possibly be his girlfriend or whatever he would call her. It was impossible for her to forget the woman's hand on his, his on her jaw just like he'd done with Hermione many times, and the kiss, how she'd longed for him to kiss her even when it felt wrong in her mind.
"In the library, I can bring tea. Kreacher is making stew for lunch and dinner, so I'm free right now." Before joining him with the tea tray, Hermione checked on the girls and found Lily awake and hungry, so she changed her quickly and brought her in the sling. Talking to her as they walked from the nursery to the library, Lily's sweet cooing making Hermione smile as they met Severus, looking annoyed and stern; far more like the teacher he'd been then the friend she'd come to know since working in the MLE together.
"Sorry, I was momentarily detained by a hungry girl. I'm trying to soak up this time as much as I can since they'll be on solids in about six weeks." He didn't say a word, only looked to the sling and noticed how much bigger the girls were in the contraption he'd made her all those months before.
"You wanted to talk?" She asked, pouring the tea and waiting for him to say something snide or biting, but he didn't. He leaned forward at the table and folded his hands around his cup, his frock coat the same as always, his shirtsleeves peeking out of his wrist only slightly. She said nothing further, only looked to him and occluded, her shields becoming so strong she could mask the strongest emotions now.
"How long have you been occluding?" He suddenly asked, his face a mask as though he was always occluding as well.
"I can occlude for full days at a time now, at roughly eighty percent for more than that when needed. It started when you first left in October, but the healer who came a few weeks ago helped far more with things and Lucius, as well." Very proud of herself, she sipped her decaf tea and waited for him to berate her for occluding for so long or for wasting her energies, but she simply couldn't be a slave to her emotion any longer and certainly didn't want him having to deal with things beyond their old working regimen.
"You're awfully quiet for someone who said he needed to speak with me." His eyebrows shot up but he still said nothing. "I apologize you didn't get your birthday present, if you'll wait a second I'll grab it." Hermione stood, leaving the room quickly and grabbing his present she hadn't wrapped and brought it to him, the potions ingredients and new scales were in a fancy bag from the store but no frills or finery. She had planned to write him a birthday letter but abandoned the idea the moment she saw him at the restaurant.
"Happy belated birthday, Severus." She set the presents down and resumed her chair across from him, finishing her tea.
"You shouldn't have." His voice had no malice, it was soft and as he opened the bags, he looked pleased beyond measure for his normal expression yet Hermione didn't feel the pleasure she would normally have felt. Instead, she was disappointed in herself and in him, but she couldn't exactly say why.
"You got these in Diagon Alley?"There was something in his voice she didn't recognize, except for a moment he looked like he had all those years before, the first birthday she'd celebrated with him.
"Yes, Seamus took me after I begged him. I meant to also take you to dinner or make something special, but things went far differently than expected." She wondered if he'd tell her now, if she wanted to know about this woman. Part of her was so curious she couldn't stop thinking about it and the rational part of her, it reminded her how much she wished her husband was still alive and her preoccupation with him was unhealthy and unfair. It was just as unhealthy and unfair as it had been all those years before at Hogwarts.
"Perhaps when things calm down we can go to dinner and discuss that day." His voice practically pleaded with her and it was nothing but a surprise to Hermione.
"I don't think there's anything to discuss, really." She watched as he smelled the lavender she'd gotten him and moonstone, daffodil, and asphodel. She watched as her hand trembled for a second then stilled; she wondered how long she'd been burying these feelings for him, months? Years? It was as though she had repressed everything that had happened between them, as though the year and change she'd spent with him was really only as his caregiver.
"Hermione, I do not make it a habit of seeking women like the woman you saw, I met her…" But before Severus could say anything else about the lady, Hermione cleared her throat and completely occluded her mind, going deeply into her library and trying to block his voice. She'd made up her mind that she didn't want to know about the woman.
"You really needn't explain. You are an adult and are not required to be in this house at all times. You deserve life lived unfettered." Hermione poured more water into her cup and then used her infuser to steep more tea, hoping the tea made her calmer. A tiny pinch reminded her Lily was at her breast, and that was when she heard her, a tiny cry and then a full wail. Hermione let the table and took Lily from the sling walking around the table, humming and rubbing her back, feeling her tiny head for fever but finding she was just gassy and uncomfortable. When she finally calmed her, she was in the nursery and Lily was nursing again, outside of the sling and realized that perhaps the girls were getting too big for it. In the lounger, rocking, one leg tucked beneath her, Hermione sang softly to her darling girl and completely forgot about Severus for a moment, until he appeared at the door.
"Her hair is getting longer."
"You weren't gone for that long, you know." Hermione quipped, staring into Lily's hazel eyes and wondering how she'd gotten so lucky. Both girls were thriving and mostly happy, Albus was learning more and more each day and though nothing was perfect, she felt her life returning to her each day, more and more.
"True but I didn't get much time with them at Christmas and since then, they've been hogged by Lucius or Charlie when he's here."
"Well Winnie is going to wake in a moment, so you can bring her to me and we can trade off." Like clockwork, Winnie opened her eyes and smiled at Severus, reaching for his hand.
"You are terribly stinky, young lady." He used magic to change her nappy and then picked her up, gently holding her under her armpits and using his fingers to cradle her tiny head, a mass of red curls growing longer each time he saw her.
"I do believe your father was right, Winifred certainly has Weasley hair color but that pert little nose is all yours." It flashed before her suddenly, the sight of Severus holding a baby with dark curls and beautiful dark eyes, cradled against his chest; it should've frightened her, that image, but it didn't. Instead she found comfort in the idea that someday Severus might have a child of his own. He was so good with the girls even if he pretended to be incompetent.
Switching girls, the momentary gap between nursing, Hermione pulled her jumper closed and then, coaxing Winnie to nurse, covering her face in tiny kisses and listening to her giggle- how could anyone be forlorn in the presence of a happy baby?
"Lily's eyes are changing." He remarked, again as though he hadn't seen them in ages.
"Yes, they're far more green whereas Winnie's are more hazel blue. Both such lovely shades." Severus held Lily like he had Winnie, from her little armpits and cradling her head in his large hands and her body on his forearms. He contemplated their beauty- how such loveliness survived such terrible times.
"Oh my goodness we're hungry today." Severus chanced to look over and saw Winnie's hand practically kneading Hermione's breast, their eyes locked in complete love and he wished he could explain to her, how much he admired her, loved her, wanted her and that the woman in the restaurant meant nothing, she had been a means to an end, a desperate mistake to convince himself he didn't harbor such affections for Hermione, but it had been a disaster. As soon as Hermione and Seamus had apparated away, he felt every ounce of Hermione's feelings of betrayal and for the first time, he felt hope. For the first time since he'd first felt the odd fluttering of feelings for her, he felt that there was a possibility, an inkling that perhaps she could return his affections again, all those years before at Hogwarts,and perhaps someday, they could explore more than a co-worker and professor and student relationship. He was snapped out of his contemplation when Lily giggled and reached for his hand. Looking down at her, Severus felt like he was looking at a tiny version of a woman he once loved, once obsessed over; the irony wasn't lost on him. He knew what he was doing with Hermione was exactly the same thing, but he was unwilling to let himself fall into the same trap twice. It was clear she needed time to sort her feelings and he wanted her the right way or not at all.
"I am planning to return to work in some avenue in February, just so you are aware. I've already spoken with Patton, my healer and he agrees that, even if I must work from another location, getting back to work is necessary." Her words were tentative, she said it with conviction because she knew he would argue.
"Your brain isn't going to wither away. The office can handle the other cases." Right as rain, he had said exactly what she expected of him, but she was unfazed; he needed to have some inkling that she would soon be taking matters into her own hands instead of hoping that at some point the Ministry would arrest the LeStranges and deal with the murders.
"The girls will be getting more independent and I won't be away from them for long. Albus is going to have a legitimate tutor or perhaps by then things will be safer and he can return to school. Regardless, my healer and our department head are in agreement." Her eyes pleaded with his even if her voice was distinctly void of emotion.
"I have to disagree, you may feel confined here but at least you are secure." Holding Lily's little hand, Severus chanced to look at Hermione again and though he could sense no emotions from her, there was a line of worry written across her face, particularly between her eyebrows and she was chewing her bottom lip. Even without legilimency or the compulsion charm, Severus could see that she did not want to disappoint him.
"It's still a while away; a lot can happen in a that time, I mean my entire life was changed in a matter or moments, this break is a long time." Smoothing Winnie's curls, Hermione kept her eyes locked on Winnie's, the rush of emotions hidden from the man across the room.
"Must you always go full force into a fight, or create one?" He snapped, trying to keep his voice low and calm, but she heard the pleading malice, the annoyed anger in him.
"I just want my life back and you deserve yours as well. If I can make that happen, I will do anything in my power to do so. I can't live a life wherein I am afraid to walk into Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley, to buy supplies for my children, or...or...walk into a restaurant." Her eyes flashed to his as she said the last part, knowing that she had told him she didn't want to know about the woman, but part of her, the wicked part, made her want him to feel slightly terrible, as terrible as she felt. Did he fancy her that way? Could he ever?
"I have a fine life, Hermione." Lily tugged him a bit and then tried to sit up, so he pulled her from the cot and held her against his chest, her little face mere inches from his own. Leaning into him, she blew a raspberry and he smiled. Hermione had seen his smile so infrequently in their acquaintance; she decided it was one of the loveliest sights, him with an innocent baby in his arms and the worry lines erased from his face.
"Well, you deserve a life that doesn't have to include me." Winnie's eyes started to close slowly, one little hand in her hair and the other on Hermione's breast, Hermione watched as she fought sleep.
"You continue to forget I chose you, Granger, above all others." When his words stopped, she realized she'd closed her own eyes, imagining him kissing the woman again, she felt sick. She shouldn't be thinking of him, she shouldn't be obsessing over something that was none of her business and she certainly shouldn't wish that those lips had been hers, not when her husband had been dead less than five months.
"And you can continue to occlude, wearing your mind and body out, or you can just process your emotions because I read them regardless. You hide no guilt nor worry, no anger nor love from me." With that her eyes opened and he saw fresh tears and though he couldn't specifically feel what she was feeling, he could see how distraught she was, even if only for a moment.
"It will not be your concern soon, Severus."
"You seem awfully sure of the outcome." Placing Lily back on the cot, Severus reached for Winnie who was asleep as well, but barely looked away from Hermione who was adjusting her bra and jumper, standing and stretching her legs before going to the cot and kissing each girl, wandlessly she cast the charms on them and walked out of the nursery to the kitchen to see if Kreacher had finished lunch and found him labeling stew into bowls.
"This looks decadent, Kreacher, thank you." He bowed slightly then scurried away. Hermione heard Albus and Lucius come down the stairs, and then all were at the dining room table, eating their stew with fresh bread. Lucius tried to engage Severus in conversation but he was too distracted by Hermione's words; he knew she was up to something and just didn't know exactly what. He feared she was going to do something foolhardy and dangerous, enough to get herself killed and it was something he simply couldn't let happen.
"Aunt Hermione, when is Uncle Charlie coming back?" Albus asked reaching for another piece of bread from the basket and dipping a chunk in the stew.
"By Valentine's Day, my love. He is in charge of training a new handler so he can stay away longer sometimes. He promised to write you, so we should see an owl soon. And you need to write Jamie back; after lunch, okay?" The boy smiled and nodded, he finished his stew quickly, ran his bowl to the sink and then up the stairs. He had homework and letters to write.
"We'll play outside after homework." She yelled after him. As soon as he'd gone, though, he could feel a fog descend on the men in the room, one who supported her even if she often made foolish decisions and the other two annoyed and rightfully so as she'd practically banned them from their jobs and her home for a week.
"We'll have stew again at dinner, so it will be sort of a floating meal because George and Angelina are stopping by to take Alby for a sleepover at the Burrow. Bill and Fleur will be staying with them as well, and I went to renew the wards already." Seamus and Severus exchanged glances, and Hermione knew that they thought she was being too bold.
"If you are worried about the plans, you can speak with George and Bill. I just think Albus needs time with his cousins and Draco cannot come this week with Scorpius. The poor child shouldn't have to endure what we do if we can help it." With that, she took her bowl to the sink and started rinsing what dishes there were in the sink still since Kreacher had cooked. She felt his presence behind her before he said a word, but didn't have the energy to fight with him, but when she turned, she saw a look on his face that did not suggest he was looking for a fight. Without words, he stood before her, his arms crossed and his normally stern face free of any malice. There were words he wanted to say, of course, but he knew it would fall on deaf ears.
"Excuse me." Hermione went quickly passed him and up the stairs to Albus' room where she found him writing a letter and his books pulled out, little pieces of parchment poking out where his lessons needed to be reviewed.
"Let's get all this finished so we can play outside before the girls wake up again." They worked for an hour and then she watched him fly in the garden with Lucius who seemed to be enjoying watching the boy fly as much as she did.
"Severus is concerned."
"Of course he is, because if something happens to me he'll have failed his mission and get sent Azkaban, but nothing is going to happen to me." Her terse reply made him pause, but choosing the right words, he replied.
"It's more than that, Hermione, and you know it." She scowled then smiled at Albus as he swooped down near them.
"Surely not. Severus is dedicated to the promises he makes, for sure; I've never known a more devoted man, aside from my husband, but their devotions are so dissimilar. When this is all finished, he'll see." Hermione quickly plaited her hair and rolled the braid into a bun, leaning on Lucius for a moment as her mind worked overtime, going over detail she could to ensure she wasn't missing anything, any minor detail that could ruin the plan.
"You and Charlie agreed and the matter is settled. I will not continue my life in fear and neither should you or any of the Weasleys for that matter." Her hands were on her hips as she stared him down.
"You have Severus all wrong, Hermione, you really do." Lucius forced her to
look at him. "He is not a monster, he is not unhappy here."
"Who can be truly happy when they're in servitude?" Hermione's large brown eyes met Lucius' blue ones, and they refused to look away from each other.
"He doesn't believe himself in servitude; he only wants to do what comes natural to him which is protecting you. He will be far angrier that you are trying to do this without him." Her voice was pleading. she was desperate. She didn't want Severus this way, tied to her against his will.
"And when we succeed?" His hand came to her face before she even realized it and pushed a curl from her line of sight, and she wondered for a moment what it would've been like for Draco to have this version of Lucius as a father.
"That will be his downfall, I'm afraid." Hermione didn't quite understand his meaning, so her face scrunched.
"Why would having freedom be such a problem?"
"It's not freedom he desires, dove." Lucius patted the hand resting on her lap, but Hermione still didn't understand.
"Fine, he can go to any bird he wants, he can be a random lothario in any restaurant around the world but I won't have to see it again, I refuse to see it again." The bite in her words took Lucius back to the same tone Narcissa had gotten with him when he was unfaithful. It made him regret so much, each kiss, each caress. He couldn't think of anyone but Narcissa. Although he knew he could never understand exactly how Narcissa felt, the pain on Hermione's face brought what empathy he had back, full force, and his own guilt weighed heavy on his heart.
"Give it time, you will see. Severus doesn't want to be a lothario and he certainly doesn't want to be one around the world. As the time passes, it will all be clear and you will be able to understand the mixed emotions you feel." They both sighed at the same time, both moving their eyes back to Albus as he flew, carefree and growing more confident and adjusted as the days rolled closer to the summer break for his brother and cousin.
"I'm a fool, Lucius." He heard the pain in her voice, knowing the guilt and pain she felt as his own sins.
"We all are." Lucius sighed again and pulled at his hair."Do you think you can give me a cut?" Hermione turned abruptly to him and thought of his with Draco's old haircut.
"What would you like?"
"Short, like George's. I think once this is all over, having less the austere look will be to my benefit." Hermione took out her wand and with a few simple shearing charms, his hair was much shorter and he looked far younger, almost as though he was Draco's brother.
"Wow!" Albus exclaimed as he touched down on the ground and ran over to Hermione and Lucius.
"Do you want a trim?" She asked, turning her wand on her nephew. He nodded fiercely and then stood still as his aunt trimmed his hair.
"Maybe we all need a trim, but I need a mirror for mine. Hold on." Hermione went to the window, unplaited her hair and straightened it as much as possible, taking off a few inches, then a few more until suddenly, it was much shorter, so short she almost cried because it was the first time she'd ever seen herself with hair so short, aside from baby pictures. With a little curl on top, a very slight wave, and short sides and back, she looked like Harry had almost, aside from the colour and curl. Staring at herself, she wondered what had possessed her to take it all, to completely remove the hair she'd had for years, and then she realized, it was the weight, the freedom, the change she needed to move on. Removing her hair was like death itself; the grieving process the same, the grief as apparent as ever, but there was also relief and a pleasure that she hadn't known for months. Her pregnancy had been difficult, fear of losing Winnie as she'd lost their two sons late in pregnancy, and the sickness, though meaning that the baby was still alive, wracked her days. Now, she felt herself again, even if her most prominent feature was gone.
"Good lord, what did you do?" Lucius remarked, smiling at her as she stepped away from the window and looked at them.
"I needed a change." His hands went immediately to her hair, the soft texture of her neck blending with her hair and then cupping her face.
"I can see your eyes so much better now." He kissed both cheeks and watched her go inside.
"Winnie woke about five minutes ago." Seamus said from the table where he was writing up some paperwork, finally looking up to her as she passed. "What the hell happened to your hair?" Hermione stopped and gave him a ferocious look.
"I wanted a change." She replied, passing through the kitchen and dining room to the hallway and then the nursery. Severus was holding Winnie when she walked in, removing all shorn hair from her jumper before going over to them to see if Winnie was hungry.
"She is changed, but still a bit unhappy." He hadn't looked at her yet; instead he held the small girl in his arms, against his chest as though she were precious cargo.
"She has a few teeth coming in, they both do, so I bet they'll be fussy until they break through. I know Rose kept a fever for a few days when hers were breaking through, but nursing helps." Taking her from his arms, he finally looked from Winnie to Hermione and the shock was visceral.
"Thank you for holding her, I think we'll try nursing and then I have a recipe for a minor pain reliever if she stays uncomfortable." Unbuttoning her jumper as he stood and stared at her, Hermione sat on the lounger, one leg tucked beneath her, a pillow under her arm and Winnie at her breast, Hermione hummed lightly without awareness and rock slightly with her foot, going into her own world, her library filled with books, with memories and moments she both wanted to remember and forget. She didn't notice him staring, his keen eye roaming over her as though he was seeing her for the first time or after a long absence. Though Lily remained asleep, Severus stood by the cot and waited, wondering if this new hairstyle was some reaction to her grief or related to the desire to leave the house and go back to work. When Lily finally stirred, Winnie was asleep once more but still a bit warm.
"Come here, little love." They traded girls, Severus feeling the warmth of both of their tiny bodies and for the first time since they were born, he was genuinely concerned about them. He watched as Hermione snapped her bra in place on one side and then unsnapped the other, moving her jumper out of the way, allowing Lily access to nurse.
"Do you want me to brew the potion?" Severus asked, unable to take his eyes from her. Although he liked this new hair, he missed her wild mane, the recognizable attribute of her personality.
"No, thank you. I will brew it after dinner. I want to see if their temperatures come down on their own." Glancing up at him, Hermione saw his concern but it was beyond her now, her desire was too soon, too unpredictable, and she knew, again, that it was unfair. She couldn't let him feel the erratic yet powerful things she was feeling for him, especially if he was having to seek comfort because of it.
"Thank you again. Lucius asked me to cut his hair and then we all decided a trim was in order, so I didn't hear the charm." As though summoned by his name, Lucius appeared at the door and saw his friend trapped in Hermione's force field.
"You received an owl, my dear." Lucius strolled over the lounger as Hermione looked away from Severus and took the letter. "Seamus ran it through spells; appears fine." Breaking the seal, she saw it was from Charlie, he was coming a week earlier than expected. A smile stretched across her face and continued to her toes; she folded it immediately and put it in her pocket, returning her gaze to Lily.
"Thank you, Lucius." Both men then exited the nursery, leaving Hermione to the girls and her obsession with outing the LeStranges. But she heard them as they left, "But what possessed you to ask for a haircut?" Severus asked him, his voice returning to his normal tone.
"I'm too recognizable; this makes it easier for me to blend in."
"And why would you need to blend in now? You're in this house until things are settled or have you forgotten." Severus sniped, their voices still low.
"When I am freed, I want to disappear, you know this."
"And why did she cut hers?" Hermione could barely hear them now, so she stretched a bit, standing and walking with Lily.
"She's just as confused as you are, surely you see this." And then they were too far away. Closing her eyes, she went back to her library and sighed, she needed to bury her confused emotions and hope that she could free him of the jail sentence before she went crazy.
SSHGSSHGSSHG
(While Hermione was still at Hogwarts in 1999).
It took an hour for Hermione to really wake up on Severus' birthday; her mind had been reeling since Christmas with thoughts she couldn't quite explain. She'd been taking care of him since May, since she'd gone back to the Shrieking Shack and found him, his heartbeat faint but there and his bleeding had slowed, though it was most likely because most of it was on the floor. As she remembered that day, almost losing Harry and the others who'd died, it made her feel good to know she'd saved at least one person, especially since it was Severus.
Padding down to his rooms, she took her presents for him and the cake she'd made. It was chocolate but not bitter nor too sweet because she knew he didn't like things that were too sweet, and the icing was buttercream with just a hint of cocoa powder. He was turning thirty-nine, she believed though she didn't know exactly and she was too afraid to ask him, so she'd left the cake blank and simply iced it. Breaching his wards, she sent her patronus ahead of her to make sure he was decent, but found his quarters completely empty. Setting all his presents and cake down in his small refrigerator before leaving, feeling odd being in his rooms without him, though she'd done it before when he was still more frequently in the infirmary. Suddenly, she worried he'd had a relapse as he had at Christmas, so she ran through the halls to the infirmary and searched the main room, then the private rooms, finding him in the last room, she visibly paled as she saw him vomiting in a cistern, tears leaking from his eyes as he doubled over again.
"What happened?" Hermione rushed to his side, wiping his head and cheeks with a cold flannel, looking to Madame Pomfrey as she did, trying to ignore how terrible Severus looked and sounded as his vomiting finally stopped and he fell back against the cot.
"Some of his medicine reacted badly with new treatment."
"Oh Severus, on your birthday?" Hermione helped him get more comfortable on the cot, casting cleansing charms and trying to remove his soiled socks. It was a weird attraction, what she felt for his perfect feet, but she couldn't help herself. Like his hands, soft and delicate, they represented the dichotomy of his life, the rough side, his tattoos and scars, then the delicate length of his fingers, the perfectness of his toes.
"My birthday is just another day, Miss Granger, it matters not if I vomit or spend my day in this blasted room." She frowned at his words, sad that she knew as much as she did about his childhood and early life, images she'd seen in his mind when he was barely conscious. It made her heart sore to think of him so neglected, so ignored by everyone around him; it made her understand his desire to join Voldemort and his Death Eaters.
"Well, I made you cake and I have a few presents, and you're going to accept them because I made an effort." She was about to tuck him in when Madame Pomfrey came through again.
"If you help him, he can go back to his quarters." Hermione nodded, helping him to stand, then wrapping her arm around his waist. They'd done this so many times since he was able to walk again, but he felt incredibly light this time, she felt his hip bones as though he'd lost a whole stone, but she tried to hide her reaction so he wouldn't admonish her when they made it to his rooms.
"I know this is asking more you than is appropriate, Hermione, but can you fetch me clothes? I don't relish smelling like my stomach's contents for the rest of the day." She smiled at him, at least his humor was back and sarcasm. Going quietly to his room, she found a change of clothes for him and brought them to the sitting area where he was asleep, probably exhausted from vomiting, so she slowly removed his trousers and shirt, he woke up when she leaned him forward a bit to change his shirt, but when she met his eyes, he wasn't angry with her. Instead, when he looked up at her, she saw a sheepish smile, a grin she had only seen a few times and so she smiled back, taking his hand she led him to his room and helped him onto the bed.
"A nap would do you some good, then cake." As though in a daze, the medicine obviously getting into his system again, Severus reached for her hand, pulling her close and thanking her quietly, his voice raw from the bile and acid from his noticed he'd been whispering all morning.
"Just rest, Severus, we can celebrate you later." She smoothed his hair, the shortness of it still making her pause because she'd seen him for years with longer hair. He pulled her closer again and whispered something she couldn't understand; her confusion must have displayed on her face because he pulled her so hard she stumbled into him. Sometimes he forgot how strong he was, especially with her frail form.
"Stay." He whispered, patting the bed next to him, letting her go as she walked around his bed and climbed next him and crawled under the covers.
"You didn't have to manhandle me, Severus, you know I am always happy to stay with you." He turned towards her and brought a hand to her face, a small smile appeared and then he was out. Hermione watched him sleep for an hour before her mind calmed enough that she fell asleep, too, and when she woke, he'd pulled her tightly against him. She knew if he woke and found them like this he'd be angry with himself, so she moved his arm slowly and moved back to her side, wishing she didn't have to because the pressure his body had felt so welcome and so glorious.
"Were you too warm?" He whispered, reaching for her again.
"No, I know that you…" She paused and worried she was pushing him away when he was finally accepting her. "Severus-" She didn't know if she could continue to lie in his arms and not have some sort of understanding that he wasn't going to push her away.
"You are always welcome here." She couldn't believe he was letting her lie in his arms and she knew it was temporary most likely. Relishing the feeling of being wrapped in his arms, she felt herself drift again to sleep, both of them exhausted. When she woke again later, she was spooning him, her arm draped across his waist, her fingers laced with his. She needed the loo but didn't want to move; he'd done this so infrequently that she was afraid to break the spell, remind him he was the bastard of the dungeons. So she waited as he slept and recited what she remembered of 'Hogwarts: A History', in her mind. When he was finally awake, she hugged him tightly and went to the loo, curious about giving him the presents she'd made and bought and of course the cake.
"Do you need help to the loo?" He nodded as she helped him stand; although she'd seen him nude plenty of times before he was fully functional again, it was a bit different now that she'd realized her feelings for him were far more than friendly. She left him at the door and waited then helped him to sit on his sofa.
"Do you want some cake now or lunch?"
"Cake." His voice was a bit louder, his face still relaxed but she could tell he would need a pain potion soon. Grabbing the cake and plates, she set them on his coffee table then when back for the presents.
"I didn't know for sure what flavor you would like so it's sort of dark chocolate." Slicing him a piece, she put it on a small plate and handed him a fork. It surprised her when she watched him eat, as though no one had ever made him a cake. She ordered tea service and waited as a elf scurried through, apologizing profusely because Severus had tea at exactly the same time everyday and the tiny thing hadn't brought it. Hermione was sure they were still miffed with her about SPEW.
"Do you like it?" Taking a huge bite for herself, it was moist and springy, the buttercream perfect.
"Yes." She watched him attack his fork like it was his first meal after a long famine and smiled at him. It was his birthday and she loved him.
"Your family celebrated birthdays?" He asked quietly.
"Yes, always. Especially once I came here. We usually had ice cream and watched movies together or sometimes, especially for my Dad we went to a museum. Both of my parents are academic." It felt awkward talking about her childhood, how drastically different their lives were, so divergent. Hermione wanted him to feel how much she cared for him, even if nothing came from it aside from being his friend.
"Now your presents. I know you claim you don't like gifts, but I put some thought into these, so please don't be mean unless you really hate them." He squinted his eyes at her in pretend annoyance took the perfectly wrapped packages from her. The first was a new set of quills and ink.
"The quills will write automatically and better than a dicto-quill." He marveled at the colors, how they fit in his hand perfectly then set them aside and took the next package. It was a new house robe in velvet with a soft lining with silver accents and a beautiful recreation of the Whomping Willow and his name stitched perfectly in cursive on the breast pocket.
"I made it; it's not perfect but it's warm." He didn't meet her eyes this time because he knew if he did, she'd see how vulnerable he was, how utterly surprised he was that she would go to so much effort for him.
"I made those as well." He opened a set of perfect Slytherin socks, four pair and again couldn't meet her eyes. When he got to the last one, he found what looked like one of her essays, words neatly written on parchment and as he started to read, he felt her words flow over him. She'd created a charm to heal his wounds from Nagini's bite. It combined a potion and charm, she'd put all of her research on paper to prove to him that it was possible.
"I've been working with Professors Flitwick and Slughorn for months and we finally had a breakthrough. Unfortunately, this only works for fresh wounds." She thought of her own, how the combined potion and charm had helped with the word 'mudblood' on her arm but not the lighting bolts that stretched across her skin. Suddenly, she flashed red and hoped he wouldn't notice.
"You've combined magics?" She heard something in his voice she couldn't place and wondered if it was good or bad, like he didn't trust her.
"Yes and we tested it; I promise it works." She answered, almost sternly.
He scrutinized her, wondering just how she knew it worked so emphatically. He'd been trying to do the same things for years.
"You're sure?"
"Yes, I healed a few people with it." Producing the potion from her beaded bag, she handed it to him then sat next to him, aiming her wand at his neck.
"It tastes alright because there's mint." He removed the stopper and swallowed the contents as she cast the charm, repeating the same incantation over and over until she watched his jagged scars disappearing. They faded so quickly she almost forgot where they'd been; she fetched a mirror from her bag and held it for him.
"How is this possible?"
"We tested it a few times in hope. Slughorn pointed me to several restorative droughts until we found the one compatible with the charm." He still couldn't believe she'd gone to all the trouble of researching and creating a cure for him.
"Hermione, you shouldn't have spent so much time on this." His tone wasn't quite how he wanted to say the words and he knew it as soon as her face fell. She was sensitive and he knew this, but sometimes he simply couldn't control his tone, even for her.
"I did it for me, too and others who had permanent scars that would never fade otherwise. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for anything that was caused by an unforgivable curse or something more than a year old." Folding her arms across her chest, she diverted her eyes. Standing next to him, she grabbed the paper and took it to the rubbish bin, annoyed that she'd let his words get to her when it was clear he liked his presents. Pausing for a moment to order sandwiches from the kitchens, bacon and eggs his favorite, then returned to the sitting room where he was touching his socks and robe again. This time she sat across from him and waited.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." She felt foolish, like she'd gone too far, played her hand too soon and now she wanted to leave; their friendship had always been tenuous at best and any time she tried to treat him as she'd treated Ron and Harry, it backfired. He wasn't a teenager, his experiences obviously made him weary and she felt immediately that she'd done too much. Anxiety boiled over within her and she bolted as soon as the elf brought Severus his sandwiches. She ran to her room and buried herself in books, studying up for her midterm exams, ignoring her rapidly pounding heart as she worked and the knocking at her door. So completely submerged in her work, she didn't even realize it was nighttime until she felt faint and so hungry. Searching through her beaded bag, she found some snacks and ate, trying to remember the feel of Severus' arm around her, his leg between hers, his breath on her neck. When she finally folded herself into bed, she cried. She felt far more foolish having run and left Severus alone, especially after the morning he'd had. Guilt overwhelmed her other emotions as she wept, her heart stuttering along as she tried to calm herself.
The next morning when she awoke, she decided to go to classes then return to her room, giving both of them space. She felt that her obsession with him had gone far enough; she didn't have to continue saving him to feel valid. Yet, each time she walked by the library and to potions, she felt her heart seize. In her panic-driven state, she ran to the astronomy tower and for the first time, Hermione stepped to the edge and like she'd seen him do over and over in Severus' mind, she stepped free of the railing and fell, the air flowing through her and just as she was going to hit the ground, she flew of her own will as though she had some power she didn't know about. And as though she wasn't sure, she tried it again and again, casting a cushioning charm each time in case she hit the ground; yet, each time she flew, taking off like Superman in comics or Ron and Harry on their brooms. She'd never felt so free.
SSHGSSHGSSHG
Weeks passed in odd quiet between Hermione and Severus. The girls two bottom teeth finally came through and then two top teeth, making nursing a rather odd sensation. Although she knew she would miss the bonding time, Hermione knew she would continue to pump and would get to bottle feed them or some meals. Knowing they were thriving was the ultimate gift. She received letters from James and Rose, both still doing quite well in school and loving quidditch, like their fathers. When Charlie arrived the first week of February, she and Lucius filled him in on the plan, and though he scoffed as Lucius had, he was willing to help if it meant the outcome would free more than one person and bring justice to their family.
The night of Valentine's Day, Hermione made lasagna for everyone and red velvet cake, a recipe a lady from the auror office Ron had brought home. The lady had been from North Carolina where red velvet cake was made with sweet cocoa, so Hermione began to make it for Ron for Valentine's Day each year, though they rarely did anything more romantic than watch a film together or when Rose was older, they would have a special dinner and cake, perhaps a walk around the neighborhood of townhomes and a few dances in the living room to old Big Band music Ron had learned to love due to Arthur's obsession with muggle music. Stirring, the batter, she poured two equal cake pans and put them in the oven.
"That already smells heavenly." Charlie remarked, coming up behind Hermione and running his hand over her shortened hair. "This is a good look for you, almost like you're a pixie now." He tickled her neck, her laughter ringing the kitchen and throughout the first floor of the house. She heard the charm on the nursery ring and grabbed two bottles from the larder.
"Here, make yourself useful." Hermione turned on the oven timer before following her brother-in-law into the nursery where both girls were trying to pull up on the side of the now deepened cot, reaching with one hand for Hermione and Charlie. She remembered for a moment how they hadn't recognized her at first when she'd first cut her hair, but now, as they were becoming more mobile, she knew they recognized her when she came into the room. Taking WInnie, she carried her to the living room and Charlie followed, the two girls drinking quickly.
"When she's finished, you can put her down. They love to sit up and try and crawl; they're growing too quickly."
"True, but I'm not putting her down until she screams, I haven't seen them in six weeks. Far too long for Uncle Charlie, wouldn't you say, Lily?"
"Have you seen Lucius or Severus?" Hermione asked not hearing much commotion from around the house.
"Old sour boots is downstairs in the lab, working on something for Lucius." Hermione's eyebrow quirked slightly then she smiled, thinking that by the end of the month they would be free again.
"Sour boots?"
"Yes, Madame Granger, young Weasley here seems to think my boots are particularly sour." Severus appeared at the door, watching as she laughed, her eyes bright and happy; this was the woman he remembered working with for years, even if her main form of therapy was occlumency. His eyes moved to Winnie who was holding her bottle and looking at him and then as if little Winnie had her own force field, she held her arm out to him, making a small squeaking noise which he couldn't refuse.
"Someone loves Severus." Charlie remarked, holding Lily tighter, but seeing that both girls wanted Severus, Lily's tiny arm reaching for him as well. Severus bent down and took her with his left arm, and with them sat on the settee across from Hermione. Winnie was first to lay her head against his chest, then Lily did; it still surprised Hermione how willing he was to help with them, feeding, changing, making each of them happy when he could. It seemed effortless for him, as though all the years he had been unable to share his true self was all dispensed on them.
"The timer." Charlie interrupted, as Hermione watched Severus with Lily and Winnie, content and comfortable. She bent down to him as she passed and kissed his cheek, "Thank you, Charlie. Try and pry one away before Severus hogs them all afternoon." Charlie scoffed but as soon as Lily was finished with her bottle, Severus sat her on the ground and she scooted over to Charlie, slobbering on his pants leg before putting her hands up.
"Traitor." Severus joked, placing Winnie on the ground. She sat still for a moment, then Severus took their bottles to kitchen where Hermione was pulling the cakes out of the oven.
"These will sit for an hour to cool and then we'll ice them...oh, sorry, I thought you were Charlie." Hermione turned and saw Severus staring at her movements, as though mesmerized by the mere sight of the heart formed at the nape of her neck, her neck elongated now that her hair was gone. She thought of the chocolate cake she'd made him for his birthday, for some reason that entire episode was readily on her mind.
"You can ice, too, if you're so inclined." Setting both cakes on the racks, she turned the oven to a different temperature and put the lasagna in.
"You cook like a muggle most of the time, why?"
"I am clumsy enough without adding magic to my cooking. Plus, this is how my Mum taught me, it's sort ingrained now. Old habits and all." Thinking of her mother made Hermione momentarily sad, so sad that her mother was in a safe house until Rabastan and Reynaldo LeStrange were captured, and before she could summon stronger shields, the weak facade of her shields cracked and he felt it all; her shame, her guilt, the lingering loss of Ron and her family, the absence of her mother, the love for her children, the fear of losing someone else, and then the worst of all, attraction. Her attraction to Severus had grown steadily even though she'd tried to distance herself as often as possible, there was something literally beckoning her to him.
Closing her eyes, she tried to go into her mind, she tried to find another memory or thought to latch onto, but then the worst and best possible thing happened, Severus wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer and closer until her face was practically buried in his armpit, then his hand found her hair, first at the base of her neck, then slowly, she felt each finger crawl across her scalp, as though he was searching for treasure, she shivered against him, and before she thought she couldn't handle more, she felt him lean down and his lips touch her head, his nose noticeably taking in the smell of her lemon and honey shampoo and Hermione almost lost all sense of control. Pulling away slightly, she looked up at him, his face inches from her own and instead of asking why, she simply hugged him tighter, and felt her shields break completely, but instead of running, she felt herself melt against him, her entire body like putty in his hands. She knew she was tempting fate, pushing herself beyond boundaries she'd set for herself but in the moment, it felt too good to be wanted even if Severus would never want her quite like she wanted him.
"You've been holding this in too long." He whispered in her ear, the warmth of his breath making her skin tingle, and another shiver overtook her senses.
"I don't know how to turn it off some days, honestly. I've been living in my library; I thought I was stronger than this." She replied, her voice small and quiet, her arms wrapped around his waist and her fingers laced together, wishing he'd done this on Christmas or earlier when the breakdown started. Really it had started before that, but their inability to exist together had shifted then and she knew it would shift again before March, when her plan was put into action.
"You are the strongest person I know." His reply came with shock; shock that he thought of her as a strong woman, shock that the words weren't a derision of her behavior, but most importantly, the eucalyptus and spearmint on his clothes invaded her senses, forcing her to inhale as much of it as possible before she felt foolish. Guilt became her pervading emotion, it had been less than six months since her husband passed and she was clinging to a man, this man...a Severus Snape man.
"Stop berating yourself, Hermione, I can feel that, too you know." There again, his fingers made lattice work of her hair, each honey curl loosed through his dexterous fingers, and then his lips again, on her forehead this time; then something akin to lust took over and stronger than she could express; biting her lip, she knew she needed to move away, to distance herself from heartache.
"I am not going to hurt you." His words were even quieter than before, his breath causing another shiver to cross her entire body, but she knew he was lying, he'd already hurt her before, multiple times. Jokes about her writing, her briefs presented in court, her mothering skills (before he really saw them in action), her hair, her freckles, her teeth- they were all topics for fodder in the office, but worst of all, since she'd learned of his required protection of her and compulsion to be near her when she was upset or her life was in danger, he'd been unavailable most of the time or emotionally disconnected, as if her knowing about the requirement made it worse for him somehow. As though admitting that he could feel the wide spectrum of her emotions made him as vulnerable as she was. In her research, she found that she could reverse the spell herself since the was the object of the charm, but she didn't know exactly what would happen. Would he be immediately transported to Azkaban? Would Kingsley know what had happened?
"I don't know exactly what you're thinking, but stop, whatever it is, don't mess with it, Hermione." The tone of his voice changed; he was finally doing what she expected of him. His go-to response was always derision.
"You are not my keeper, Severus." She replied, pulling back and looking deeply into his eyes.
"I beg to differ." Instead of making her ire surge, she laughed...he was technically right but not for long.
"Feel better?" He asked, as they continued to hold each other at the waist, both pulled back slightly.
"If I am being honest, not particularly." Biting her lip again, his eyes traveled there and she felt it, his emotions bleeding into hers. "But, I have also never felt quite like this, so I am not a good judge." She didn't want to let go, she didn't want his scent to leave her clothes nor his hand to leave the nape of her neck, one long finger in her curls. As though under a spell, they continued to stare at each other until Kreacher appeared, breaking the magic and with great reluctance, they pulled apart, but not before he put his hands on her shoulders, facing him, he made her look into his eyes.
"Whatever you are planning is not worth it; I am not worth it." There went her lip again, stuck between her teeth, the same he'd made fun of once ages ago.
"I beg to differ." His arms immediately fell and with that, he left the kitchen, leaving Hermione to dissect what had happened, to hope that when she was better, when the compulsion charm was lifted, perhaps when she knew or certain that her feelings were legitimate, and that she was honoring Ron's memory, he would be amiable to something else between guilt she felt, as soon as he left room, hit her harder than she could imagine, it was thick, it was unbearable and that was the immediate sign she needed that what she was feeling was too soon, too raw, but so much wanted. Her affections for Severus were far different than those she'd had for Ron, and it honestly scared her more than possible death at the hands of the LeStranges.