Chapter 10: Byakuya is a Scary Man. Seriously.
The light behind Byakuya shined brilliantly, and sakura petals blew in the wind around him as he strode forward, the very picture of aristocratic dignity.
Hitsugaya, the person responsible for that effect, sprinted to catch up to him. "Why did I need to do that?!" He demanded. "This room is empty!"
"It's important that you have the practice," Byakuya replied. "After all, putting together an entrance in these controlled conditions is much easier than putting one together in the field. You need to get the entire process down pat."
"I'm seriously beginning to doubt the wisdom of this arrangement…" Hitsugaya muttered.
"Oh, don't worry. You've made a fair trade, Captain… I have made a special study of the 11th division, and know more about how to deal with them than any other Shinigami. Perhaps, even, any other being in all of creation." Byakuya said, flicking on a light to illuminate a huge bank of computers.
"… Since when do we have computers in the seireitei?" Hitsugaya asked.
"Come now, haven't you ever seen our strangely advanced and incredibly out-of-place archives? Or the 12th division's headquarters? Just because we LOOK like feudal Japan doesn't mean we don't also have incredibly advanced Flash Gordon-esque technology when it's required by the plot… er, I mean, by circumstances. We're a very contradictory culture, here in Soul Society."
"… fair enough."
"And don't even get me started on the fox-man…"
"OKAY! I GET IT, ALREADY!"
"Just making sure." Byakuya said defensively. "Anyway, like I was saying before, I have assembled a vast and detailed collection on the 11th Division, in case I needed to destroy them one day."
"Well, that's awfully… well, a little creepy, actually. What made you think you'd need to destroy the 11th division?"
"For starters… well, you've met them. They're a pack of crazed morons. I simply assumed, that based on their overall personalities, there was a fifty-fifty chance they'd do SOMETHING in the future that would require me to destroy them."
"Yeah, I can see that." Hitsugaya agreeed.
"But I recently discovered another application for the information. You see, most of the 11th division members have a very similar temperament to Ichigo Kurosaki, and any strategy that could be applied to them could be applied to him, as well. Basically, it was killing two birds with one stone."
"… you want to kill Kurosaki?"
"No, of course not. I have no desire to kill Substitute Shinigami Kurosaki. He is a highly capable warrior, and an effective deterrent to Hollows in the mortal world. I can honestly say that there are few warriors I would rather have fighting alongside me… if I needed anyone fighting alongside me, which I never do. Indeed, having someone fighting alongside me would actually make the fight last longer, since I would have to take care not to accidentally kill my assistant with my immense power. But if I DID need someone, Kurosaki would be an acceptable choice. I have great respect for the young man, and wish him no harm." Byakuya said mildly. Then his eyes filled with icy menace. "Unless, of course, he lays even one finger on my younger sister. Should that happen, I will unfortunately have no choice but to wipe all trace of him from the face of the Earth. I will destroy him, I will destroy all photographs of him, I will destroy all of his possessions and clothing and even stray hairs that he has left in the street. There will be no evidence that he ever existed, beyond the memories of others… and being a Shinigami, I actually have ways to destroy those too. Of course, the odds are good that they will never become a couple, but I just thought I should be ready in case that most foul of relationships comes to be and I am forced to annihilate him."
"… … … oh." Hitsgaya said, eyes wide.
"Now, where were we?" Byakuya inquired mildly, as though nothing had happened.
"Um… 11th division?" Hitsugaya said cautiously.
"Ah, yes, The 11th. It has been an interesting study, if a rather simple one. After all, there is a wealth of data on how to destroy the 11th division, given how many people have actually done it. There are three entire archive chapters on all the times they've been destroyed, and all the things they've been destroyed BY." Byakuya said, bringing up a series of files on the computer displays that all had titles like 'Mass Salmonella Poisoning Decimates 11th division', 'Freak Bankai Accident Leaves 75 Dead: Guess Which Division they were in?', and 'How the Hell did they get Killed by Gerbils?'.
"Hollows, other Shinigami, rabid gerbils, improperly cooked fish, bread with too much yeast in it, falling pianos… They die regularly and with disturbing skill."
"… you know, I think I actually remember reading that gerbil article!" Hitsugaya said.
"Well, it did make the front page of the Seireitei post. Yet, in recent years something has changed, cutting their death toll down to a fraction of the previous rate." Byakuya stated.
"So, their fatality rate suddenly dropped about a century ago? Hmmm… isn't that when Zaraki took command?" Hitsugaya guessed.
"A good guess. He certainly is the most powerful captain they've ever had… but no. In fact, all analysis suggests while his raw power, personal skill, and seeming inability to feel pain should keep HIM alive in nearly any situation, his command style… or lack of command style, I should say… should have resulted in a fatality rate that makes the Bubonic Plague look like Chicken Pox. And yet, his squad members are living longer, healthier lives. Why is this?" Byakuya asked, his tone suggesting he already knew the answer and merely wished to hear Hitsugaya's theories.
"Well, it has to be something that began around the same time that Zaraki became Captain. Come to think of it, didn't all his primary officers enter the division at the same time he did?"
"Exactly." Byakuya said approvingly. "Yachiru Kusajishi, Ikkaku Madarame, and Yumichika Ayasegawa. Seperately, these three are meaningless, but together they have managed to turn the highest casualty rating among the Gotei 13 into… well, still the highest casualty rating among the Gotei 13, but considerably less so. I mean, only three or four of them were killed when Ichigo and his allies invaded, and that was entirely due to a tragic accident with a toaster, not combat actions. In times past, an invasion of Ryoka would have completely wiped out at least ninety percent of the squad."
"Captain Kuchiki, having met the officers in question, I have to state my personal doubt that they could effectively hide Christmas presents from a five-year-old child, much less dramatically improve the performance of soldiers under their command." Hitsugaya said doubtfully.
"True… SEPERATELY. But you have to look at it from the combined perspective. Madarame spends his days sparring almost constantly with anyone he can find, while Yachiru keeps them awake at night with her antics and unending series of giggles, explosions, and infuriated people chasing her. And since Zaraki generally accepts only testosterone-charged, rough-and-tumble madmen in his squad, they're all so creeped out by Ayasegawa that when they DO sleep, they are plagued by nightmares of his preening mannerisms. Consequently, the average 11th division member gets somewhere in the area of one hour of sleep every day."
"But shouldn't that make them MORE likely to die?"
"Not at all. Look here," Byakuya said, pointing at another screen which had a graph displayed on it. "Here we have a chart comparing average time sleeping to average death rate amongst 11th division members. As you can see, the death rate is at its highest when the involved Shinigami get the normal recommended rate of eight hours per night. But when the amount of sleeptime becomes either very large or very small, the average death rate drops significantly in a standard bell curve. When they spend a very long time sleeping, they are spending too much time in bed to get into as much fatal stupidity as normal. And when they spend too LITTLE time sleeping… as they are now… they are too TIRED to kill themselves as efficiently as normal."
"So… you're saying they don't have enough energy to wipe themselves out? And that to remove them as a force of annoyance, all I have to do…"
"Is remove ONE of the three officers who are preventing them from sleeping regularly. After this, the division will become well-rested, and better able to engage in suicidal stupidity. As opposed to the merely NORMAL stupidity they engage in now, I mean."
"I don't know…" Hitsugaya said doubtfully. "I had a very similar suggestion from Captain Soi Fong, and I have to say, the notion of wiping them out really doesn't sit right with me."
Byakuya waved the protest away. "Please, Captain Hitsugaya. As much as I respect Captain Soi Fong, she is utterly lacking in subtlety of any sort. Which… now that I think about it, is a very disturbing quality in the woman who is supposed to be in charge of our spies."
"You may have a point there. And, by the way, if you're ever in her office… with that cat she has on the desk…"
"You touched the cat?" Byakuya said, in the closest to horror he had ever displayed in his life. "And you're still alive?"
"Well… you know how a fox trapped in a snare will chew off its own foot? Turns out that when trapped by a murderous Captain, I will chew off my own dignity. Let's leave it at that." Hitsugaya said sharply.
"… Very well." Byakuya said, apparently sensing that he shouldn't push the subject. "My point is, I am not suggesting we take the extremely undignified path of knifing some thug in an alley. All we must do is engineer a situation that causes even a single one of these three officers to be incapacitated for about a week; lethal force will never be necessary.
"Without these three officers, the 11th division will wipe themselves out as they have done so many times in the past. And unlike those times, they no longer have a Captain who will bother himself with replacing minor things like robes, medical supplies… or people. In fairly short order, the ENTIRE 11th division will consist of Captain Zaraki and his three officers. When that occurs, they will no longer need to use your barracks, and will simple be able to bunk at Zaraki's private residence which, being a captain, he has available to him. They will be out of your life, and you will have done nothing to harm them, merely let nature take its course."
"That is… mildly horrifying." Hitsugaya said thoughtfully.
"Well, I suppose we could think of something else, this WAS our first plan…"
"Hey, I said it was evil, I didn't say we weren't doing it." Hitsugaya interjected. "Sometimes, a Captain has to do horrifying things."
"Fair enough. Now, we need only focus our efforts on a single one of the three officers."
"Yachiru." Hitsugaya said without hesitation. "She's the one that I, personally, most need to get rid of, no question about that. And of the three, she's the most dangerous; Ikkaku may cause fatigue and Ayasegawa disturb restfullness, but Yachiru is the one who wakes them up at night and destroys their sleep cycles. Without her, the whole twisted operation falls apart."
"Hmmm… I agree that she would be the ideal target, but I think you do not fully understand the power you are challenging." Byakuya said, bringing up an image of Yachiru on one of his monitors. The image was covered in analytical notes detailing 'possible weaknesses' and was prominently labelled 'Threat Level Omega'. "The Yachiru has no fear and feels no pain. It has only three moods… 'happy', 'indignant', and 'eating'. And since 'happy' releases toxic levels of cuteness and annoyance, and 'indignant' causes the creature to bite, it is only truly vulnerable when 'eating', which lasts for seconds at most. Yes, the Yachiru would be a valuable victory… but achieving that victory could well cost us both our lives."
"… … seriously?" Hitsugaya asked doubtfully. "I mean, I know she's annoying, but deadly? I mean, she's bit me before and…"
"Really?" Byakuya asked mildly. "Ah, yes, Captain Kyoraku did say something to that effect when last we spoke…"
"NOT THAT KIND OF BITING." Hitsugaya growled, fighting down the urge to drive his zanpakuto in Byakuya's kidneys… and wondering exactly how far that damned rumor had spread if Byakuya, who wasn't exactly gossip-prone, had heard it. "What I mean is, I've been exposed to what you called the 'indignant' mood, and… well, it was bad. Really bad. But I never felt my life was in danger."
"Ah. Ah-ha. Well, I suppose your word on the subject will do." Byakuya said.
"Well, thank-"
"I mean, it's not as though I would know better. It's not as though I have a giant fortress in my basement devoted to defeating the 11th division. It's not as though I've spent the better part of a century gathering information on them, plotting out their weaknesses, and preparing… obsessively preparing, some might say… for the day I would eventually be forced to destroy them." Byakuya said sarcastically. "Oh, wait, I actually HAVE all that. My mistake. Still, your WORD is good enough. The word of the man who's been ALIVE for less time than I have been a CAPTAIN."
"… Have you maybe considered that you're taking all this too personally?" Hitsugaya said.
"I… I… apologize, Captain Hitsugaya. I'll admit that this," Byakuya said, gesturing around the command center, "Looks somewhat bizarre. And I'll admit, at first wiping out one of my fellow Shinigami divisions was only a hobby to me. But… HER." Byakuya said, pointing at the display of Yachiru. "Vice-captain Kusajishi has been a thorn in your side for two days. She has been a thorn in MY side for longer than I care to think about. It is a rare day when I turn around… in my own home, Captain!... and discover she isn't there. Watching. Waiting." Byakuya's eyes took on a slightly haunted cast. "TALKING. Yammering on about ponies, what she had for lunch, where she wishes we could go walking, how much FUN it is to talk to me…" Byakuya continued, saying the word 'fun' like it was toxic. "And calling me Byakushi. BYAKUSHI, Toshiro. Do you have any idea how far beneath my dignity it is to have a nickname like that? They don't even have units to measure it. Sometimes, she just starts jumping around, shouting 'Byakushi' over and over, for no reason at all."
"Yeah, I can see how that would get old."
"NO REASON." Byakuya continued, as if Hitsugaya hadn't spoken. "There's… there's no reason for it. Or… or is there? Some reason beyond the comprehension of men? Something… something that we are not MEANT to know? No." Byakuya whispered harshly, apparently to himself. "No, there CAN'T be a reason. It just… it isn't right for there to be one. There SHOULDN'T be a reason for that girl. There MUST NOT be a reason…" Byakuya continued.
"…are you feeling okay, Captain?" Hitsugaya asked nervously.
"Hmmm?" Byakuya asked, as if waking up from a dream. "I'm sorry, Captain Hitsugaya. I was lost in reverie. What were we speaking about?"
"Yachiru."
"AH. Yes. Her. Well, as I was saying, she is by far the most dangerous of the three. Are you SURE you want to chose her as the target of this operation?"
"… Actually, after seeing how she's scarred you over the course of your association, I think it would be in BOTH of our best interests to get her out of the picture for awhile. Take a break, you know?"
"And you're willing to face the risks?"
"… Captain Kuchiki, I am sitting in your basement plotting how to make the 11th Division tear itself apart by, basically, kidnapping someone. I have, in my pocket, paperwork to have them all assassinated by a lunatic who nearly gutted me for touching her stuffed cat. The mere fact I am willing to consider this course of action should tell you that, at this point, I am not playing with a full deck. Frankly, risk means nothing to me at this point. These people MUST be stopped… no matter the cost." Hitsugaya said grimly.
"… And you say I'm taking this too personally?"
"Hey, I'm not the one with the command center."
"But you've only been dealing with this problem for two days."
"Yes. Apparently, two days is long enough for me to abandon all my morals. I'm not exactly proud of that, but I'm learning to live with it." Hitsugaya said grimly.
"Fair enough. But I'm afraid there's more to this matter than risk, as well. It will require extremely advanced tactical knowledge… knowledge that I fear a Captain simply does not possess."
"Excuse me?"
"Think about it. The most important part of warfare is the ability to think like your opponent, to get inside their head and predict their movements. Do you honestly believe there is any way, any way at all, that we could POSSIBLY think like Vice-Captain Kusajishi?"
Hitsugaya considered that for a second. Then he shuddered. "The rainbows alone would give me nightmares for months." he concluded.
"Exactly. So before we begin our campaign, we will have to acquire a tactical consultant. Someone whose mind works on the exact same level as the target."
"But where will we find someone like that?"
In her pleasant home in the pleasant town of Karakura in the pleasant Material World, Orihime Inoue whistled a pleasant tune. Chirping birds braided her hair as shining-eyed deer scampered about, doing her laundry. "Ah, life is just so pleasant!" she proclaimed cheerfully. "Now, who wants some of my home cooking?"
For some reason, all of the friendly creatures of the forest chose this moment to run away as though starving wolves were pursuing them.
"Huh. Oh well, more for me!" she said cheerfully, getting out twenty or thirty random things to throw together in a pot and proclaim to be dinner. Just then, however, a knocking came on her door. Always happy to have visitors, Orihime rushed to answer it.
The light behind Byakuya… or at least his gigai… shined brilliantly, and sakura petals blew in the wind around him as he strode forward into Orihime's dwelling, the very picture of aristocratic dignity.
"Ooooooh…" Orihime said in wonderment.
Hitsugaya ran up behind Byakuya, breathing heavily. "You know, the more I do this, the more I question the need for it…"
Byakuya looked sadly down at the panting young Captain. "I knew it was too early to take you out into the field… it is extremely difficult to make a dramatic entrance if my subordinate is running around playing catch-up."
Hitsugaya's eyes flashed. "Your SUBORDINATE?! I am NOT your–"
"Um, not that I'm not glad for the company, but… why are you two here? We're not exactly close… or from the same world…" Orihime asked.
"Lady Inoue," Byakuya said. "We require your advice on a matter of grave importance. Hundreds of lives, the stability of the Gotei 13, and the very sanctity of Soul Society itself, could depend on your wisdom."
Orihime thought on that for a second.
"Oh." she said.