Chapter 10

February 17, 2012

Castle had called his car service to pick them up from the precinct and take them to his loft by way of Kate's apartment. She insisted on going in by herself, claiming she would only be a few minutes. In reality, she needed to be alone for what she was about to do.

She grabbed a bag and threw in several days' worth of comfortable clothes then she placed it by the front door and went back into her bedroom.

Ideally, she would have taken more time to work up to her task, but her partner was waiting and she was feeling exhausted, feverish, and in short, terrible. In the end she indulged herself with a few moments of quiet reflection as she fingered the shutters.

Mom, I hope you understand.

She opened them and looked at each picture and document, this time not as leads in an ongoing case but as a final overview of a finished work. She took them down one by one and with shaky hands inserted them into an envelope, save two items.

Kate looked at the face of Roy Montgomery.

I hope you know you're forgiven. As for me, Ryan, Esposito and Castle . . . you will always be our Captain.

She thought again of his children.

I promise to do what I can to protect them - to keep them from falling into the same rabbit hole looking for answers.

She tucked the picture in the box where she kept her mother's ring and her father's watch.

She turned back towards the window and its one remaining picture. She peeled the tape and carried the picture to the bed. She sat and reverently touched her mother's face.

Mom, I tried. I wanted to do this one thing for you but whenever I move closer to finding the truth, it only causes more death, more pain. Dad lost himself for years after you died. If he lost me to this same conspiracy he wouldn't survive it.

She studied the pictures and realized that her mom had been gone for a third of her life.

You've missed so much. You never got to know me as an adult. If you're somewhere looking down on me, I hope you're not disappointed in me, or Dad. It might not seem like we've done much more than exist at times, but we've done our best.

I'm sure my life is a far cry from what you wanted for me. I'm not a high power attorney who has a devoted husband and a couple kids. I know you always dreamed of taking grandchildren to the cabin in the summers so Dad could teach them to fish and you could teach them card games.

Nope, I'm a single cop. It's a risky, solitary life - mostly solitary. My 'partner' has been trying to nudge himself into my life for years. I resisted at first but he's worn me down.

She couldn't help a rueful smile at her next thought.

I nearly drowned and your 'dreamboat' of an author rescued me. I can't believe you, my own mother, used to refer to Castle as a 'dreamboat'. You would've gotten a kick out of his heroics - and made me rehash every mortifying detail over cookies, or maybe it would be wine by now. The combination of you and Lanie would've been relentless.

She knew the two women would have been fast friends when it came to hounding her about men. She sighed at yet another image of what would never be.

I wish you could have known him; you would love him. He's a good man, Mom. There's so much more to him than charming manners and a roguish smile. He's loyal, especially to his family and those he cares about. He's relentless, which can be a gift one moment and a thorn in my side the next, but his heart is in the right place. He cares about me more than I deserve.

She thought of him holding her so closely when they sat on the submerged step, how precious she felt in his arms. Her resolve strengthened and the words tumbled through her mind.

If I delve into your case, I'll end up dead or self-destructing and taking him with me. I can't hurt him or his family like that again.

She felt her chest tighten at the thought of how much pain she'd already caused him.

I can't roll back into a downward spiral and end up jumping at shadows, more than I already do, anyway. I'm still a mess, Mom. I'm trying but I have a lot to atone for and a lot more to work through. The one thing I know for sure is that I have to give it up. The case will forever be unsolved and I need to find a way to make peace with that.

She hated the word 'unsolved.' She thought of all Johanna Beckett stood for and how she never stopped seeking justice. As Kate propped the picture against the box, she couldn't blink back the tears and she said aloud, "I'm so sorry, Mom."

She put the envelope in the bag and tried to settle herself before facing Castle. As she made her way back down the steps she felt as though she had to reach for each breath. Combining that with her emotional distress, she feared she was headed for a full-on panic attack.

This is so not good.

Castle started to worry. He had seen five, ten, then fifteen minutes pass with no sign of his partner. He started to imagine her passed out and gasping for air so he reached for the car door handle to rescue her from whatever fate had held her captive. When he stepped onto the sidewalk he saw the door to her building open and a very distressed version of Kate Beckett approaching him. He rushed to her side, took her bag and put an arm around her back guiding her to the car. She still stood erect, but her eyes were red and she was nearly hyperventilating.

He knew her well enough to know she wouldn't want him to make a fuss so he kept his words to a minimum. "Let's go."

She nodded and let him ease her into the car then she put her elbows on her knees and placed her head in her hands, trying to calm herself and regain control. She felt his eyes on her as his hand rubbed her back.

He addressed his driver with a forced calmness, "Henry, take us to the hospital."

She placed a hand on her partner's thigh, "No, Castle, no. I'll be okay at the loft. I'm just . . . I just need to rest. Please?" She knew part of the problem was psychological and would pass.

Henry looked to Castle for final instructions.

Reluctantly he agreed, "Okay, we'll go to the loft." He pulled the inhaler out of his pocket and she took it, but it didn't help nearly enough. She kept her head down and tried to inhale and exhale as slowly as she could while her partner remained uncharacteristically silent. He was too nervous to even think of calming her with words, so he kept his hand on her, rubbing her back rhythmically. Every vibration he felt increased his anxiety.

Finally they arrived at his place. He grabbed their things and he put one arm on her lower back as they rode the elevator without speaking. Castle felt as though words would somehow delay them. She sensed that his verbal restraint was somehow important so she remained quiet as well.

He fumbled with the lock, swung the door open, dropped the bags then led her directly to his bedroom.

At the threshold she turned to him. "Castle, I'm not sleeping in your bed."

He answered her with a determination she'd rarely witnessed from him. "Yes, you are. It's the most comfortable bed we have and you can barely breathe when you walk, so going upstairs is not an option. For today this is the guest room, so come in and sit down. It's not up for debate."

Awestruck and too tired to argue, she complied. Her partner knelt in front of her and took off her shoes. He then gathered several pillows and propped them against the headboard and explained, "It'll be easier to breathe if you're elevated. I'll get the nebulizer and after that you can change if you want."

She reclined against his luxurious pillows on top of his comforter in his masculine yet elegant bedroom. The exhaustion she'd held at bay over the past few days overtook her and she felt sluggish in body and mind. It seemed as though Castle was moving at Matrix speed and she could barely focus on him through her long blinks. Before she knew it, she was wearing the clear plastic mask and Castle was sitting next to her hip, leaning one hand on the mattress on her far side. He was consumed with worry which concerned her in turn.

"It's okay, Castle, I'm okay."

She ran her fingers up and down his forearm. He closed his eyes and took comfort from the brush of her skin on his. Now that the momentum of the case had passed he felt suddenly choked up at the thought of how close she'd come to dying. Not just from drowning but also from Sofia holding them at gunpoint. There was a terrible second in which he thought it had been Kate's body bleeding out.

Her fingers stilled as she fell asleep. He swallowed awkwardly and blinked back the dampness that threatened to betray his own exhaustion.