CH 10: Just Breathe.
I woke up to the phone ringing next to my head; it didn't bother Mac at all. I rubbed my eyes a little as I answered it, not looking at the i.d.
"-Lo?"
"Hey sweetie-I need you to help me with somethin' today- you up for it?" It was Walter, the only one who called me sweetie.
I sat up and looked around at my surroundings; I was in my living room, naked, next to Mac.
Oh yeah, we didn't make it to the bedroom last night after he…murdered Ryan.
I brushed my messy lump of hair out of my face. "Course"
"Come on down to the Mesa and I'll even feed ya"
"Ok, I need to shower, give me 30 minutes"
"You seen Mac? He ain't answering his phone" I looked down at the sleeping body next to me, unsure of what to say, knowing Walter wasn't very happy about the two of us.
"Fuck, I need a smoke. I will be there in a bit" I said, dodging the question. He scoffed in my ear-he knew.
Showered and dressed I kissed Mac's head and locked the door behind me-he would probably sleep all day. When I got to the Mesa there was a huge moving van parked outside of the hotel; Devon was sitting on the back bumper watching Reggie draw pictures in the dirt she was sitting in. He has completely destroyed her. There were rope marks on her wrists and tract marks all over her arms, she was pale and looked extremely frail; it made me sad to look at her knowing it was her brother who was doing it to her.
Reggie looked up at me as I got out of the car, her eyes were glossy, and she looked like a child. Devon glared at me, like he was daring me to say something about her-I didn't, not out loud anyway.
"Hey Reg" I said squatting in front of her.
"Hai!" She was always happy to see me-maybe she was that happy to see anyone- It had to be hard to see her brother's body over her every day, violating her.
"You going on a ride, Reg?"
"Dev is taking me to the ocean- we're gunna play in the sand!"
My fucking god
"That's really great, Reg, you be sure to send us pictures ok?"
She nodded and went back to her dirt drawing. I stood up and headed toward the Mesa to find Walter; Devon watched me as I passed.
"You're such a good big brother, Dev." I said smirking at him.
Walter was waiting at the bar for me, sipping on some concoction he had made. He had a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast, and a mug of coffee sitting on the bar.
"Don't suppose it will break your heart to know he is leaving?" He gestured to the food. "Fer you"
"God no-he's a sick fuck, Walter"
He shrugged, he was never that interested in things his boys did as long as it didn't bring him trouble or make him lose money.
"SO you're ok with running the bar tonight?" I asked between bites.
"Mmhmm" He rubbed his butt and grimaced.
"Why'd she shoot you?" I kept asking him out of the blue, hoping he's slip up and tell me.
He finished his drink and winked at me "I'll pay ya fer your time."
…
I spent the rest of the day out in the heat helping Devon load up boxes, take down and load their bed, and keep an eye on Reg; she kept wandering, probably shocked at being outside. The canyons made the little town feel like a toaster over; they threw the heat around and baked everything. We took breaks to drink the constant flow of beers Walter was bringing us, but it wasn't really helping ease the heat. Devon would take breaks to play with Reg every now and then, but I was eager to get them packed so they could just leave; I was ready to stop having to do breakfast runs and watch Reggie slowly deteriorate. At just after 3pm I called Mac to let him know what I was doing- he didn't answer, I figured he was still sleeping off his high.
Finally at just after 7 the truck was filled and ready to go; Devon had allowed Reggie to give me a hug before he strapped her in the truck like an infant. He gave his father a hug and let him know he would keep in touch, walked over to me and gave me a half-asses 'thanks' then got in the cab and they were gone.
"Good fucking riddance" I muttered as the dust flew up behind the truck.
Walter looked like he was about to pass out, so I told him I would work the rest of the night for him; there weren't many people in the bar that night, so I wouldn't be working too hard. He thanked me and hobbled over to the hotel.
Only a few of the locals were in, and a couple of the whores; it would be an easy night- it would give Mac a chance to catch up on the sleep he needed anyway. Terra was there, rubbing up on some dingy old man with barely any hair. She smirked and rolled her eyes at me while the old man grabbed her ass. I called Mac again, just to see if he was awake, still no answer.
Terra was thoroughly trashed by 10, so I cut her off-she didn't need to pass out and be molested by the old fuck. She rolled her eyes at me again at the news, but stayed with me at the bar, slumped over with her head in the drink she'd spilled.
"SO, Terra" I thought it might be a good time to try to get the story of Walters' gun shot out of her.
"Hmm?" She lifted her head, her hair dripping with liquor. I walked around to meet her on the other side of the bar. I dabbed a rag through her hair to sop up some of the liquid, not that she even noticed at this point.
"Why'd you shoot Walter?" I figured straight forward was the way to go.
"Fucker let Devon screw his own sister!" She said-like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"And? What's that got to do with you?"
"Dev got one in the arm too" She started giggling.
I watched her sway in her seat while the old man licked his lips at her.
"You shot Devon too?" I asked, smiling.
"Ya- We used to date, you know that?"
"No." the thought was revolting.
"I came here with him, Regina, and a few other people- He's a lousy fuck anyway"
"Devon?"
"Devon"
She brought her hand to her face, pinching different parts of it "I cant f-f-feeeeel it" she said laughing again.
"So you shot Walter and Devon because…" She shoved her finger on to my lips, shushing me.
"He let Mac kill them-he wanted to fuck his sister" She was looking at me, all her laughter gone now. She had tears in her eyes and she was grasping on to my arms tightly.
I knew Ryan wasn't the first guy Mac had killed, or girl for that matter, but hearing that someone else knew this and seeing the fear in Terra's eyes worried me- I remembered that Ryan was missing and I actually had no idea what Mac had done with him.
"Ok. It's ok." I rubbed her leg with my pinned down hand. "I'm going to get you home now, Ok?"
She nodded and released me, and then let her head slump on to the bar again.
I called the house and had Misty send someone out to pick her up, she was a mess. The old man watched her walk out, supported by another girl, and slammed his beer down, looking disappointed.
When last call came around, I had my hands full with everyone getting their drinks- I hadn't expected such a lively bunch on a weeknight. When everyone had cleared out, I looked around; the bar was as trashed as Terra was. There were broken bottles on the floor, the pool tables were soaked in booze, the bathroom has piss and vomit on the walls-I was going to get a bonus for this.
It took me a little over 2 hours to get the bar back to normal; I was definitely taking tomorrow off-well-today. It was almost 4:30am- when I climbed in to my car and headed back home; I called Mac again, seeing if he was awake yet, still nothing- at least one of us was getting some good sleep.
I pulled up to a completely dark house-I unlocked the front door and slowly fumbled around for the light switch.
"Mac?" I called as my fingers found the switch. I was blind for a second, but as my eyes accepted the light I found Mac where I had left him the day before, in front of the couch, curled up and naked.
"Thought you left" He said. He sounded hurt by the thought; close to tears.
"No. I called you; I was helping Reggie and Devon; are you okay?"
"No" He sounded extremely depressed; his voice was shaky. I walked over and crouched in front of him and stroked his hair, getting a better look at him.
He was crashing. Hard. He was visibly miserable; his dull eyes were staring at the wall while his fingers traced circles on the floor at his side.
"Mac, let me get you in bed" I went to grab his arm, but he yanked it out of my reach.
"Don't need yer help" he said weakly.
"Ok, well, I am helping you anyway, so stop being a stubborn ass and give me your arm" I said it like a mother scolding her child. He looked at me and sighed. It seemed like all of the blue light he held in his eyes had been replaced with a darkness.
I held out my hand for him to take-which he did after a moment. I lifted him to his feet and supported him on my shoulder and walked him down the hallway; I flopped him over on the bed and pulled a sheet over his sweaty body.
"The fuck were you doin' helping them?" He asked weakly
"They are moving-leaving town. Walter asked- I wasn't going to argue, if it gets Devon out of here, I am all for it." I was stroking his hair again, his eyes were closed, but he turned in to my touch like it comforted him.
"Are you hungry or anything?"
"Why did you come back?"
"Because I was done with work-where'd you want me to go?"
"No-" He swallowed hard "I mean after I left you in the canyons- why'd you come back?"
"Because I got nowhere else to go-and I kinda like ya" I added
"I don't have anything to give ya"
"Good thing I don't want anything"
I handed him the bottle of water I kept by the bed, his lips were cracked, he was clearly dehydrated. He drank it quickly and then laid his head on my lap.
"Are you done with this shit, Mac?" He nodded, bringing his face closer to my stomach.
He was so different when he wasn't on drugs- I knew that every major act of violence he'd ever done had been because he was high, so if he could stay off them, maybe we had a chance at getting out of this death trap of a town too.
"Do you remember what you did, Mac?"
"When?"
"Yesterday. To Ryan"
"Fucker slapped you" My eye still had a slight bruise from that slap. "I'm hungry" he whispered.
"I'll make you something" I brushed his hair off of his face one last time, kissed him and laid his head on a pillow.
I made him up a bunch of eggs, bacon, and hash browns-which he wolfed down quickly; I watched him eat, my stomach nervous about someone finding out about Ryan…it was only a matter of time. After he ate, he took me back to bed, he was never much for cuddling, but he held me close while we dozed off. I became blatantly aware that I would do anything for this man-it was a new and scary thought; that I would overlook drugs and murder just to be with him.
…
Walter showed up at my house the next morning, he was pissed about something and demanded to see Mac.
"You kill that kid?" His voice was calm but the look in his eyes was terrifying.
"He wa-" I started, but Walter held his hand up to silence me, his hard eyes on Mac.
"Ya-he fucking slapped her" Mac said.
It was always rather hard to watch Mac and Walter interact; Walter was so indifferent to him unless he was angry, then he was a force to be reckoned with-and Mac knew it. Mac always seemed to revert to more of a kid around Walter-like he was still seeking his affection and approval-which he never really got. Nothing about their relationship flowed easily, but I hoped that with Devon gone, Walter would ease up on Mac a little.
Walter walked over to me and grabbed my face, twisting it in to the light and looking at my eye.
"Thought that was your work" he muttered to Mac
"Walter- Ryan hit me then tried to rape me, Mac saved me" It couldn't hurt to play damsel in distress.
Walter kept his eyes on my face but spoke to Mac. "Sherriff from the next town over found his car- you best have covered your shit, boy."
"He ain't gunna be found" I looked at Mac who was trying his best to keep himself together; he was still riding out the effects of coming down.
Walter rubbed his thumb over my eye softly and then gave me a smile. "You take the day off, sweetie" He said, his voice kind again. He gave one last look at Mac then slammed the door behind him.
"Oh fuck, Mac! Are they going to find anything?" I was panicking now
"No, ain't nothing to find" He pulled me over and kissed me for the first time in a while. "Don't worry about it"
I was mostly worried about who would be looking for Ryan-I knew his father all too well- he was vicious, like a Rottweiler- if he wanted to bring something, or someone down, he would. I let it go though, trusting Mac that he had taken care of it-we'd deal with things as they came.
It was finally cooler today; the sky was completely covered with grey clouds and it looked like it might rain again. Mac and I stayed inside all day, watching movies. He was better after he ate, but he still had an air of depression about him. There wasn't much I could do for him; we just had to wait it out-
…
The next evening I was back on at the Mesa, Mac was a whole lot better after his r&r days, so he came down to meet up with the boys while I worked. The sheriff from the next town, where Ryan's car was found, was sitting in a corner chatting with Mike and Harley, our local officers. I kept my head down and avoided looking at them as much as I could, my stomach was in knots again and I felt nauseous. The other sheriff wasn't there long, he had a beer and a chat with our boys, then left. Walter had stayed behind, clearly curious about what was up.
"Man, that guy is a dick" Harley said walking up to me at the bar
"Oh ya? What's he here for?"
"Found a car" He took a long drink "A guy is missing. Ryan Fields. He wanted to pass out fliers in the town"
"Ryan? He is missing?" I decided to go with my gut and play up innocence.
"Ya. You knew 'im?"
"He is my ex. He came by to talk, but I told him to leave…and he did" I added lamely
Why the fuck did you say anything?
"Uh hu…so, he just…left?" Mike asked stepping up to talk to me, he was looking at Mac.
"Well, I went to talk to him, he attacked me, hit me, and Mac beat him up- but we told him to leave, which he did, and Mac went home with me"
It was mostly the truth. Mac was looking over at me now, curious about my discussion with the officers.
"I might have you come down to the station to talk, Kate, just to clear things up with the other sheriff, you know"
"Anything you need"
Fuck, fuck, fuck
He smiled and they left, eying Mac again.
Predictably Mac came up and leaned in to ask what the fuck that was about.
"They're looking for Ryan-I told him the truth, mostly…he hit me, then left-we had nothing to do with him after that" I sounded more confident than I felt.
He kissed me, looked at Walter, and then walked back over to his game.
Walter had annoyance and an 'I told you so' look on his face.
"You need to ease up on him" I said to Walter, breaking his glare on his son.
"The boy's a fucking screw up"
"No-he isn't. He's fucked up, but he is doing his best" I said pointedly. He turned to me and rested his elbow on the bar.
"You two…together now eh?"
"In a matter of speaking"
"I don't like you with him"
"You don't have to- I do." I turned from him to let him know I was done talking about it.
…
"You're back!" Terra said excitedly "I haven't seen you in ages" She had emerged from a corner with somebody
"I saw you the other night, were you really that trashed?"
She furrowed her brow in thought. "I don't remember" She laughed at herself.
"I'm thinking of getting outta here. Vegassssssss baby" She said doing spirit fingers.
"You'd kill it there, you sexy thing" I winked at her
"Some of the girls are thinking about pooling our money and heading out there together. It would be a great opportunity!"
"What about Misty? She okay with her girls leaving?"
"Fuck, she's the one who said we should pool our money together and leave" she giggled
I looked at mac while Terra talked about the move- he was in a wife beater so his shoulders were showing- they were fucking delectable, they made me weak whenever I saw them. Despite the scars and scabs on them, his arms were sexy as well; they flexed as he bent over the table and lined up his shot. God I was wet just watching him play pool.
"…Pregnant" Terra said. Her words shook me out of my fantasy.
"Huh? Who's pregnant?"
"I said maybe YOU are- you're rubbing your stomach again"
I looked down, surprised to see my hand resting on my belly.
"Maybe that's why your stomach has been 'sour' lately. You on birth control?"
"Of course, Terra- and no, that isn't possible"
"No? ok-Just sayin'" she raised her eyebrows, looked at my stomach again, then slid off the chair vanishing in the crowd.
I looked over at Mac; his face was mirroring the worry on mine. My mouth was dry and I couldn't breathe. He dropped his pool cue and started toward me before everything went black.
|| It may be a while before I get the next chapter up- I have a couple of different things I want to do-so I may write two different versions-I need to see which one feels right. Thanks for reading! ||