By the end of the week, the folk in Rivendell had become considerably more fit and athletic, able to run great distances at a fast pace. Although this was one of they very few benefits of having Mary Sues stampeding and pursuing you everywhere at every minute of the day, the cons overwhelmed the pros by far. The A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S craze was dying down ever so slightly, but most of these "minor" or "ignored" canon characters could still go about their business sipping Miruvor cocktails and the like without being followed, although they did occasionally have to fend off a Mary Sue or two.

Everybody was getting quite good at reeling of random excuses as to why they and the Mary Sue(s) couldn't "be together", especially Legolas, who spent most of his running time, the catchphrase for the time in which you were being chased by Mary Sues, thinking of such reasons. And trust me, Legolas had a lot of running time. The hobbits found that spending their running time together…er…running made things slightly more tolerable, and they had mastered the art of being able to talk and sprint without running out of breath (pardon the pun). Running with his hobbit-friends made things better for Frodo especially, since Sam had no qualms about whacking Sam-Sues and Frodo-Sues with his trusty frying pan.

A most unusual addition to the Lustees, or those being lusted after, came in the form of an Uruk-hai. Uglúk stumbled into Rivendell, looking muddier then usual, blubbering something along the lines of "Why me? Why is it Uglúk who is being hunted? Why can it not be Grishnákh or Lugdush or Snaga or some other orc?"

"Because, my dear Uglúk," purred Boobookitty, coming up behind him, "you're the most rugged and outdoorsy creature in Middle-earth. Oooh!"

"Go away!" yelled Uglúk, backing away. "Go away! I am Uglúk! I command! Go away!"

"I do SO love it when you get all domineering on me," Boobookitty sighed dreamily. "By the White Hand, I love you, Uglúk!"

"GAAH!" Uglúk screamed in terror, and fled, till at last he found Elrond, who was, of course, running.

"He-elf! Elf-man! HEEY!" yelled the orc, waving his arms to attract Elrond's attention.

"In Elbereth's name!" exclaimed the elf-lord, startled.

"Please, elf-man! Give me sanctuary!"

"My name is Elrond, orc. LORD Elrond to you." Elrond replied, still running, glancing behind to see how far away Mjskystalker was.

"I am Uglúk! I command! Please, Lord Elrond the elf-man, help me!" Uglúk shouted. "I am being stalked by some demon-woman!"

"That demon-woman is a Mary Sue, a foe more treacherous than Morgoth." Was the elf-lord's reply. "But I can not help you fight this evil. My kin and companions and I are in the same predicament as you are, and even Gandalf the Maia is powerless against the Mary Sue."

"Even so, let me stay! Please, Lord Elrond the elf-man! I am weary, and I need food and water!"

Elrond paused to consider this for a moment.

"All right, you may stay. For we must all unite against this Evil, and maybe you will be useful in defeating her…it. But you must swear never to harm any of my allies or any of my Kinfolk as long as you remain here, or my archers will not hesitate to put an arrow straight through your head."

"I swear." Uglúk answered.

"The kitchen is but a while away. Leave your weapons here and proceed in that direction," Elrond indicated. "I must leave you now, because I see a demon-woman coming for me!"

Elrond took off just as Mjskystalker appeared.

"You! Funny looking man!" she said to Uglúk. "You like, have a really cool outfit and mask and all, and I like, totally respect you for that, but if you touch Elrond you die. He's MINE!"

With that, she ran off after Elrond, and Uglúk ran off in search of the kitchens, while Boobookitty ran after him.

"NOOOO!" screeched Saruman, dropping his nail file and grabbing the Palantir. "How could this be? My poor Uglúk, being sexually harassed by a Sue! First they kill Lurtz, now this!"

"I warned you of the consequences of letting loose the 'Sues, Saruman, and you still agreed to proceed." Evil Chick said, sitting on Saruman's throne and fingering her cocktail-umbrella adorned teacup. "Surely you aren't going to back out now?"

"No, no, of course not!" Saruman replied hastily, letting go of the Palantir and resuming the filing of his nails again.

"Good. Besides, it'll be fun, watching Ugluk squeal and nance like an Elf. Lighten up, Saruman!"

"How do you manage to be so…so…"

"Evil?'"

"Err...yes."

"It all happened one day when I was strolling along the road killing chickens, when I heard a voice calling to me. 'Evil Chick…Evil Chick…' it said. 'Why do you kill chickens, Evil Chick? Why can't you do something else?' So from that they on, I decided to devote my life to NOT killing chickens."

"Really?" whispered Saruman, awed.

"No, you fecking moron." Was Evil Chicks scathing reply, as she sipped her tea. "What kind of an Istari are you anyway? I TOLD you specifically that I want two lumps of sugar and a spot of milk, not three lumps! Fix it, now!"

Saruman sulkily took the teacup, dumped the tea out the window before proceeding to make more tea for Evil Chick, grumpily muttering about how he "at least remembered to put in the umbrella."                                                       

Evil Chick smirked. "I'm Evil. Sue me."

"So what Crystaliafashiera Melisushania said is that ISEP said that she heard Patty Took say to Alinagawathawen that she heard Beautiful Mary Sue say that Legolas said that Elves are better looking than hobbits and men and dwarves!" Kaelie whispered to Princess Beauty, both being Hobbit-lusters.

"NO!" replied Princess Beauty, looking shocked.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Scandalous!" the two chorused.

"How dare he! " Princess Beauty raged. "Pippin is definitely better looking than any Elf. Cuter too."
"Spread the word around," Kaelie told her. "We hobbit-lovers have a bone to pick with these elf-lovers. While you're at it, like, get the humans and dwarf-lovers too."

"Right."

Legolas and Pippin watched from a distance, smirking.

"Excellent plan, Pippin," Legolas said. "Soon they will be too busy fighting each other to bother about us."

"Thank you, Legolas," replied the hobbit. "But I think we'd best go tell the others before celebrating."

"I suppose. Come, let us go," said Legolas. "and by the way, Pippin, I AM better looking than you are."

"You are NOT!"

"Yes I AM!"

"Howeth dareth youeth sayest that Hobbits and Men and Dwarves areth better than Elves!" Lintehísiëiel shouted, glaring, and gripping the broadsword that she suddenly had with her.

"Yes THEY ARE!" Nibingristieth screeched. 'Well, men, at least."

"No, dwarves are the best looking of all!" Allie yelled.

"No, hobbits!" Barbecuemonkeyfaceham insisted. "Hobbits are, like, sooooo gorgeous!"

"No, Elves!" said Riona Sakura Delliella Flowertiara Sparklyeyes Flibbertigibbit Taori Kasumi Silkyhair
And on and on the quarrel went, until Mary Sue of Mirkwood broke Isobel's nail.

"That's it bitch!" Isobel shrieked. "I am SO going to rip you apart."

"Try me, you…bitchier bitch!"

"Tell me, Mithrandir," Boromir said, as the Lustees watched from a distance. "What are the origins of these Mary Sues?"

"Fanfiction," muttered the Wizard, as Gollum and Ugluk ran past, their 'Sues were not involved in the conflict.

"What?" Merry asked. "What's that?"

"Ignorance is bliss, Merry," Gandalf replied. "I think it's best if you didn't know."

"No, tell us Gandalf," Éomer persisted. "what is fanfiction?"

"Well, some of it, if not entirely accurate, are well-done stories of Middle-earth and its folk, written by others who exist a long time after we pass away. And then there are some pieces of fanfiction which are…traumatizing."

"Gandalf," laughed Frodo. "How bad can a story be?"

"Alas, I have no desire to tell you of the dangers of bad fanfiction. But if you do want to know, I suggest that one of you go and ask the Mary Sues."

All heads turned to Legolas.

"No. No, in Eru's name, I will not willingly approach these creatures. No, no, no…"

Author notes: Hah! The folk of Middle-earth find out about fanfic or rather, badfic in the next chappie, so keep a look out for that. No more Mary Sue applications, sending them to me will be futile, I will consider them null and void.