And without further hesitation, I bring you chapter 10.

Shelby finally breaks her wall down and talks to Rachel.

with love always, hayleynymphadora

Chapter 10: Finally, A Mother and Daughter

Shelby:

It's Sunday, it's been a week since the move, and I still have no job. What the hell happened to me? I used to be so independent. So strong. So willing to just go out there and chase whatever dream I felt like chasing. Somehow I grew weak.

I glance over at Rachel, who's sitting in the chair across from me, her legs curled up into it, and her laptop on her lap. Rachel. I think she was my weakness. I felt horrible giving her to her dads, even though that was the original agreement—she was never really mine. I felt even worse rejecting her idea to be mother and daughter two years ago. I just wasn't ready for that. I don't even know if I'm ready now.

All that I know is that I missed out on a lot with Rachel, and it's always been my biggest regret. Now she's here, living with me, and I still don't know anything about her. We rarely talk about anything, I think she's still uncomfortable around me and I'm not sure how to fix any of this. I don't know what I was thinking.

She laughs at her computer screen, which makes me think she's IMing Kurt or something, but I could be wrong. Again, I have no idea what she does. I don't know anything about her, aside from very few little facts she's told me over the years:

1. She's a vegan.

2. When she was little and sad, her dads used to bring her a glass of water. So she can never tell when she's sad or just thirsty.

3. Gold stars are kind of her thing.

I'm sure I know a bit more than I'm letting on. Little things that I've noticed, like the fact that her best friend is obviously Kurt, her dream school is NYADA, and she always sees the good in people. Even when they've fucked up too many times to be forgiven.

Me. I mean she's somehow forgiven me. Or at least, is trying to. And that in itself is the greatest miracle in this world.

. . .

"So I've decided I'm going to do the online classes," Rachel informs me about an hour later. We haven't moved since the last time we spoke. She still has her laptop resting on her legs, and I still hear a "ping" every few seconds that verifies that yes, she is indeed IMing Kurt. I take my tea off of the side table next to me and sip it slowly, looking up from my own laptop.

"Oh? Well if it's what you want…"

"It is," Rachel reassures me. We take an awkward moment to look at each other for a minute. I hear Beth's music through the baby monitor next to me—I have her lying down for a nap.

"Look, Rachel," I close my laptop and, with my tea, set it down on the side table. I pull my legs up into my lap and sit cross legged in the chair. "I don't want things to be like this between us. So hostile and closed off and silent. I know I've screwed up too many times to count in the past, but this is actually happening in the present, and I'd really like to try to make things work."

Rachel slowly closed the top of her laptop, after typing a quick response to Kurt. "Why didn't you want me two years ago? Why couldn't we have tried then?"

I take a deep breath. Inhale, exhale. Time to face my biggest fears. My biggest insecurities.

"Rachel, sweetheart. I was so scared." I start. She sets her laptop off to the side and wraps her arms around her legs. "For years and years my biggest regret was giving you to your dads, with no contact with you whatsoever. It was a closed adoption. It's what I asked for. I knew your name, and that was it. I signed a contract; I wasn't allowed to contact you. I did that because at the time, and sometimes even now, I was and am a selfish person. I wanted my dreams to be accomplished. Your fathers wanted you as their daughter. They paid me enough money to get to New York and start my career…"

I dry swallow and she looks at me, imploringly, her eyes sparkling brown and questioning.

"But…I never got to hold you." Oh god damn it, here come the tears. "I saw a glimpse of you once, as they were drying you off. You were just born, but I swear to god you turned your little head and you looked at me. It was too late by then. Everything had been signed, and I couldn't get into contact with you unless you came to me. It broke my heart, Rachel. I have never hated any decision I've ever made in my life more. I've never hated myself more than for that moment."

Now Rachel had tears swimming in her eyes and she bites her lip and picks at her finger nails as I continue to speak to her. I clear my throat and continue.

"And then I saw you sing. You were extraordinary. You were me. I knew I had to get to you somehow. I thought maybe it could work. But I was a completely different person then. I was competitive, and I was determined to get what I wanted. I wanted my little girl back. So I had Jesse give you that tape."

Her head perks up at this news. It might be a bad way to start a relationship—to tell her that one of her biggest relationships was built by her mother's influence. But she needs to know this now. It's time we start to fix us, before it's way too late.

"I told him to befriend you—not fall for you. But he did, Rachel, his love for you was real. He didn't want to hurt you. He felt awful for what he did…but he knew he had to move on. That he wasn't good for you…Anyways…he gave you that tape and you found me. But it all felt so…wrong…do you understand?"

She nods to tell me that yes, she does understand, and I knew this part she would get. She even explained to me, way back then, that she should just want to run into my arms and let me hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay but she just didn't feel it.

"Everything felt wrong. I wanted my little girl. You weren't a little girl anymore, Rachel. You were grown up. You didn't need me anymore."

"But I did!" Rachel interrupts. "I did need you—"

"And I know that now and I'm so sorry, Rachel. I'm sorry I got your hopes up and then left. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you when all I've ever wanted was to see you smile and be happy and have an amazing life. I wanted to see your dreams come true. And that can still happen…can't it? If we work hard enough for it?"

Right before my eyes I watch my daughter transform into someone who actually looks like she wants to talk to me. Someone who's been my daughter and best friend all this time and now we're just catching up. Her hard and guarded stature is gone. Her tears are falling freely, as if I've just offered her all she's ever wanted. I suppose in a way, I have.

We both stand and she rushes into my arms. I hold my baby girl and hug her like I never have before and in a way I haven't. This feels like the first real time. The first real hug. I've missed so much. I love her so much. Tears fall down my face too, which is odd for me. I never used to cry this much.

"I love you, Rachel."

"I love you too, Mama."

Mama. Not Shelby. Not Miss Corcoran. Not Miss C. Mama.

She actually called me Mama.

And this time, it felt like the truth.

Today I'm not her just her mother. I'm also her mom.

Rachel:

I never thought this day would come—least of all that it would happen so soon after I moved in with her. But here we are, hugging and crying. Me, accepting the fact that she's sorry for what she's done and wants to redeem herself. Her, tough Shelby Corcoran, letting her wall break down and sobbing on my shoulder. Me, calling her Mama. She, holding me tighter than I thought anybody could hold anybody.

And for the first time since any of this has happened, I believe that Shelby and I might actually be able to make this work. Without the hostility and the awkwardness and the silences that would happen in between us.

Maybe mother and daughter instead of just friends is something that could be good for both of us, in good time.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Finally, I pull away from the hug and wipe the last of my tears with my sleeve. I catch her doing the same.

"Are we—okay now? Can we be friends now? Real friends?" Shelby wonders, with a glimmer of hope in her shimmering eyes.

I nod. "Yes," I respond, with a smile. Another tear falls and I wipe it away. "Yes, of course."

"Okay, good." She smiles back.

I can't stand not giving her another hug. For validation.

"I'm going to hug you now," I say to her.

She laughs. "Okay," and takes my second hug, gratefully. She's warm and for the first time towards me, motherly, and it feels absolutely amazing and I never want this feeling to go away.

The best part is, I don't think it will.

I think this new relationship is finally here to stay.